ABC's Wide World of Stomas: Ring Toss Competition and Unexpected Drama

Welcome back to ABC's Wide World of Stomas, brought to you by PoopBgone.
I'm Jim McKay. Today's competition promises thrills and chills as we watch the first annual International Barrier Ring Toss Competition, taking place on the scenic campus of Fairleigh Dickinson University in lovely New Jersey. Expect to see the unexpected.
Down on the field is lovely DexieB to explain ring toss basics.

Thanks, Jim. Athletes mold their ring, then toss it 10 feet, trying to land it over a 1-inch diameter pole. Each contestant gets 1 pitch. After all athletes have tossed, rings are judged by distance to the pole. The top 4 advance to the finals. A "ringer" automatically wins gold.

Thanks, Dexie.
Ostemates have entered the stadium and are warming up. I see Beachboy, aTraveler, IGGIE, Rose Bud, AlexT, 7dragonflies, and Morning Glory. No sign yet of Beachboy's nemesis, Warrior.
Beachboy is running on the track, waving to the cheering crowd. What's this? He's lifted his jersey and is flashing his pouch! Oh my. Cups and popcorn boxes are flying onto the field. Bboy is waving his bag and pumping his fist. What a spectacle. From the far side, I see Warrior walking in. He spots Beachboy, pulls out what looks like a long, large balloon from his backpack, and starts chasing Beachboy! Warrior is trying to pull the balloon over the boy's head. Officials are racing after them. Beachboy runs into a corner and is trapped. Just as Warrior closes in, a shapely blonde in the stands pulls up her blouse... Warrior is instantly distracted. Beachboy hotfoots it over to the officials' tent and slides under, leaving a confused Warrior wondering, "Where did he go?" What a crazy start.

More to come after this short intermission.

Dexie is standing by with Warrior.
What's the scoop, Dex? Warrior says Beachboy made a wisecrack about a condom. So he bought a large circus balloon and planned on stuffing Bboy inside. Warrior is in a foul mood from an incident last night. After dinner, he ate a ghost pepper on a dare. This morning half his wafer had melted.

Wow, Dex... tell Warrior hot peppers and stomas don't mix.

I am molding my barrier ring around Stomagenics' StomaGenie to ensure it stays perfectly round.

Stay tuned as qualifying ring toss semi-finals begin shortly. Action on the field has been lively, spurred on by a boisterous crowd. The first contestant to toss will be a Traveler, utilizing a controversial StomaGenie ring management system. Then followed by Morning Glory and 7dragonflies.

Meanwhile, DexieB is trying to find Beachboy, still hiding out. If you just tuned in, during warm-ups, Bboy "bag flashed" a shocked crowd. Mayhem ensued. Dexie, when you locate him, find out... what the hell?

I'm still getting over the bag tossing Iggie.

I am trying to find an escape route.

We interrupt our normally scheduled program to bring you this current breaking news...

Lucy Lu here reporting live from the university for ABC News.

Apparently, a man and another were struggling with each other at the university's exit on campus.

The larger attractive man was manhandling the other who appeared to be... well covered... um... wrapped in some kind of plastic wrap, almost condom-looking rubber prophylactic.

The younger, attractive male threw the other male into a Chevy van and sped off.

Local authorities are on the scene but missed the van leaving.

We will continue updating as more news avails itself. Now back to you, Dexi B. Hello? You there, hon?

What? Huh? Sources have confirmed Dexie B was the driver of the van! An eyewitness said there was a black cat involved flipping the bird at onlookers. Stay tuned as this is an ongoing story. Film at eleven.

Back to you, Jim. Jim? Hello? Oh bloody hell!

 

 

Warrior... has... blocked... chained... all possible exits... for an escape route... It's grim for all to trespass...

You are in my backyard, folks... New Jersey... we don't play well with others... even Tony Soprano got his... Hoffa turns in his grave...

(snickers and grins)

Don't underestimate a Southern woman. We have steel under our Southern charm. 😂

Wide World of Stoma's continues. Here's Jim.

As qualifying is about to begin, I've been notified about a commotion at the stadium entrance. Dexie, what's going on? Well Jim, Warrior kidnapped who he thought was Beachboy. Unknown to everyone... that was Beachboy's identical twin! Back to you, Jim.
Wow Dexie, just like a soap opera. Reminds me of the time I accidentally ate escargot pudding in Paris. A case of mistaken identity.

We have an update about contestants. Morning Glory and Iggie have pulled out of the competition, which is about to start.

It's been a crazy time so far. I think we'll have to rename this "The Wild World of Stoma's."

Bugles play into ABC newscast 📯🎷🎺.

With the latest news, here is Lucy Lu ...

Good afternoon and welcome to our latest news-breaking event.

As an on-scene reporter earlier this afternoon, I was at the university ring toss where chaos broke out with an alleged kidnapping.

That's right folks, police detectives have confirmed one person missing and several alleged kidnappers are involved.

There has also been alleged theft involved of some sports items, such as the rings being taken from the participants today.

The games have been suspended as a result.

Also, a person unrelated to the game, a busty female, has been reported missing.

The only evidence police have found thus far are described as colostomy bags, two found where the alleged kidnapping took place.

No further details as to the van or location whereabouts.

We have been unable to find Jim McKay, too. We know ABC News correspondent Dexie was in fact driving the getaway van. It's unclear if she was a willing participant or forced to drive at gunpoint.

Interviews with participants known to the alleged abductor and

abductee appear to be tight-lipped, saying it's a community thing.

There are names as rumors being spread like wildfire here folks.

Warrior and Beachboy are both missing from the roster, apparently rivals from long ago. There is talk about an "Iggie" thing.

Stay tuned for more late-breaking news right here on ABC News.

And we continue with our present program, The Young and Bagless.

🎺🎷📯

We now rejoin The Young and Bagless.

Nanette: Oh Jonee, he makes me tingle.
Jonee: With what, his stoma paste?
Nanette: Oh you! You're just jealous.
Jonee: Jealous of him... Ha! I've seen bigger bags at the supermarket.

Warrior saunters into the bedroom.

Warrior: Hey ladies. Your Warrior has arrived.
Jonee: Plaeeeze.
Nanette: Warrie, let's blow this popsicle stand and go to your place. Where we can be alllll alone.
Jonee: Plaleeeeze.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Got poopy grime in your bag? Got poopy grit in your wafer? You should try new and improved PoopBgone. With hydrogen nucleotides. Two drops and poop stops. Guaranteed to make you shine.

Arriving at Warrior's house. Muffled moans are heard coming from the bedroom. Alarmed, Warrior tells Nanette they should leave and go to a flea bag motel instead. But she angrily accuses him of hiding a gal pal. She rushes to the door, flings it open... and there, covered by a huge circus balloon... is Beachboy's twin.

Nanette: Oh Warrior... you so kinky.

Tune in tomorrow as Jonee says:
Plaeeeze.

Through the magic of videotape and AI, The Weird World of Stoma's concludes.

Jim McKay back again with DexieB, in what has been "a wild time" at the barrier ring toss championships. Disrupted by Ostemate and local legend Warrior, the finals begin again.

Judges clear the toss pit and reset the B pole. There is some confusion about who the next tosser is. Judges motion over DexieB for consultation. A call is made and stadium speakers crackle to life. "Warrior, report to the toss pit." Suddenly the Jumbotron flashes on... it's Warrior! Wearing a boxer's robe, he dances up the steps of the stadium to the booming theme song from Rocky! Pumping his fist in the air, he's soon inside and circling the track holding his Hollister barrier ring high.

What an entrance, Dexie! I'm getting goosebumps. Oh Jim... don't get sentimental.

At the toss pit, Warrior removes his robe and prepares his ring. Then dramatically points at the pole and nods his head. Reminiscent of Babe Ruth's "called shot," the crowd goes wild. He motions for quiet, spins the ring on his finger, rears back, and fires away. The ring soars skyward and begins a graceful arc toward the pole. Spooked by the crowd, a pigeon is flying by. The ring goes around the poor bird's neck! It begins squawking and flying in a circle. Warrior can't believe what's happening... neither can I. Everyone is taking cover. Then with a neck flip, the ring is set free. It sails downward... and right into DexieB's hair! Warrior reaches out and grabs the ring... which remains stuck. Hurrying over is Stoma nurse Nanette. Pulling out her trusty ostomy scissors, big chunks of hair are soon falling. Dexie is kicking Warrior... Oh my! The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

This is Jim McKay thanking you, from all of us here at ABC, so long and thanks for watching.

After all the commotion of the annual ring toss today, the judges have got together and decided that this year's event was canceled and no winner. Sorry folks. Tune in for next year's event. Stay safe and watch out for Warrior and Beachboy because they may be at war still as we speak. XX

Warrior is like all of us ostomates... We're making the best of our situation. Many of us have had tough times with intestinal illness, infection, long hospital stays, and multiple surgeries. And now wear the bag, or for some... 2 bags.

If I can bring a smile to someone feeling low, then all my silly stories are worth it.

I'm humbled by your resilience and inner strength. I tip my hat and salute all of you.

I've said it before that we have the best bunch of people on here, and when they can turn a person's bad day into a smile, then they're good people in my book. Regards, IGGIE

@Beach Boy, as long as you tip your hat and not burp your bag, we will stick around.

And do our "thang" for entertainment purposes, of course...😉☺️🤪

It's half my name, dear. I am the warrior.

 

I shall have my cake and eat it too. Beachboy's days are numbered.

Even if I have to pull a John Travolta's "Face/Off" on his twin...

A day of reckoning is coming to that flabby as well.

(Thunderbolt strikes nearby) Hee hee hee hah....⚡😲

"Magic"... more like fiction.

This story... someone pinch you yet? 'Cause... you... need to wake up...

You are "broadcasting" like Channel Five News Center here in NYC. Fake news, amigo...

Everyone in your story associated with the ring toss has disappeared...

Vanished... McKay... Lucy Lu...

Several participants... gone... keep looking over your shoulder, friend... the Kraken has been released... (thunderbolt strikes again). Boom! ⚡😲

Unfortunately, if I burp my bag... my hat flies off!

Now that... be some hot air.

Flabby takes a moment from her busy schedule to fashion a candid and thoughtful reply to spurious assaults on her character.

Buzz off

Pppppppppthh. (blows raspberry)

DexieB here, still trying to recover from the wild events that transpired! Uggh... The ring stuck in my hair reminds me of that one time I fell asleep while chewing Grape Hubba Bubba on the school bus and somehow it ended up in my long hair... my second grade teacher cut it right out, just like Nurse Nanette! I had to kick Warrior because he was smirking, sorry Warrior.

My hernia might have returned from laughing 😂🤣😂. Thanks, guys!

@ Dexie... hmmm? My dear..?

Do you need more time recovering? Perhaps you bumped your pretty head? Or the nurse pulled too hard on your precious hair?

I did smirk, and the kick was worth it. I forgive you because I was thinking... 🤔 wondering...

Your disguise fooled no one, my pet... 🤨😎

You were the one who distracted me in the stands by lifting your blouse... 😲 You saved Beachboy's ass. Were you in cahoots with him? He knew I was a horndog and would stop dead in my tracks, like headlights on a deer... 🦌 Viewing those spectacular "girls," even covered up... Victoria's Secret? Or Frederick's of Hollywood? 😍🤓

Uh-oh... 🎙️🎵 Or was it just my imagination 🎶... running away with me? 🎵💃🕺

 

 

 

I cannot confirm nor deny… 🤭