Since having an emergency operation in September 2023 for a blood clot, they removed 126 cm of small bowel and fitted me with an ileostomy (reversible at some stage). I have literally become self-conscious of what I look like, and so I seem to be shying away from any kind of male interest. Chatting, dating, the thought of having to explain it all and what I've been through, thinking about what they would think and how they wouldn't find a "bag" attractive. I simply cannot be bothered to even maintain a chat with a man. And I'm always such a happy, outgoing person. Will these feelings pass? I'm turning into a hermit that avoids men, hahaha. And yet I'd love to be in a loving relationship really, but my insecurity and tiredness mean I simply turn away from the idea of it. Normal?
Hi Nikki. I understand your frustrations and it's nothing new. The self-conscious feeling, lacking self-confidence, I get that.
I started a thread exactly addressing singles dating online.
I've got about 500 people, I think, viewing it. If you take a look at that and read everything everybody is saying there, maybe that might help you get through this.
How can you find the thread? You go up to the header, all the way up to the top where the icons are. It should say "Discussions" and you press that, and it'll say "Threads" and you press "Threads" and it'll say "Latest" and "Current." Go with the latest and you'll find my thread there. Got a couple of guys answering and some women too, and I would really think that might be helpful to you to comment.
Why don't you check it out and let me know what you think about it? You can reply there or you can send me a PM because this is exactly what I addressed in the thread, that I have a stoma, a bag, and it really isn't the issue.
Well, let me know what you think, okay? Welcome aboard and Happy New Year.
Why Join MeetAnOstoMate?
First off, this is a pretty cool site with 33,855 members. Get inside and you will see.
It's not all about ostomy. Everything is being discussed.
Many come here for advice or to give advice 🗣, others have found good friends 🤗, and there are also those who have found love 💓. Most of all, people are honest and truly care.
Privacy is very important - the website has many features that are only visible to members.
Create an account and you will be amazed.
I couldn't be bothered either. I prefer being alone since my surgery in 2008. Life is much better without all that other stuff 😆
Read what they had to say.
Hi. Please, please don't let wearing and having a pouch define who you are. You're an empowered woman who should be making every day count and enjoying life to the fullest. Go for it. Be that warrior woman that you are. 💪🌈
Hey, two bags! That is your preference to be unbothered, and it's totally understandable. I get that.
I read your profile, and I could understand your reasons. Whatever works for you.
Nikki wants a relationship but is being held back. Her reasons are valid. But did you check this woman out? 🤭😍 She's a knockout. (Oh snap, did I say that out loud?) 🤦♂️
What I would like to know is in regards to your motorcycles. You said you had a Ken butt, and I'm assuming your large intestine was removed, and the surgery was back in 2008. So I'm thinking you're pretty well recovered, meaning healed down there.
Do you find any difficulty in riding? I'm about 14 weeks post-op with a Ken butt, and I've got a Honda 1100 Shadow. You know, the copycat Harley. And it's got a real fat seat. It's in storage right now for winter, but you know, I'm just concerned about how this is going to affect me riding. The Ken butt. If it affects me? So I was hoping you'd share any experiences or any issues you might have if you still drive or not. How long did it take before you sat on the seat?
I hope we can talk some more about this. Stay frosty. Thanks.
Normal? Yep, to an extent. Until you get over it and figure out you're still the same person you were, your mind will mess with you.
Yes, normal, your surgery is very recent. If you said you have never felt so happy in your life before, I wouldn't believe it. Your head's all over the place, as to be expected.
You're just not ready for a relationship at the minute. That's okay. Take time out to accept what you have been and are still going through, and hopefully, it won't be too long until you have a reversal.
You will be surprised when you're ready for a relationship. With or without a bag, most people aren't the slightest bit bothered about us having a bag. Most of the problems are caused by ourselves pushing people away from us. Some do it without realizing, others on purpose. I used to push people away myself.
Let's be honest, after seeing your profile photo, any man would be raving mad to turn you down. You're a hottie!
Spot on, Ben! I agree, and you noticed she added two more photos, which means confidence, which means sexy, which means she's coming around. Too bad she's located over there, across the pond. Too bad for me, not you, Ben. Hee hee.
(I'd be on that like white on rice) 😍.
She's over there in England. Bloody hell. 🤦♂️🙇
They make this thing called an airplane. ✈️ You should hop on one, fly over there, and take her out. 👍
Learn how to care for your loved one, while still taking care of yourself.
Thanks for your response and the compliment haha x. You are right. I really am not quite ready. My confidence isn't with me at the moment. 🤗
You need some Bruno Mars therapy. Listen to 'Just the Way You Are' while looking in the mirror after every shower. Turn the volume up, sing along until you get your confidence back, and believe every word. Keep on fighting; it gets easier in time.
Warrior,
You mention the KENButt - and bike seats.
Another 'experience' is found when riding a horse - in the saddle.
Obviously, I am female - addressing this very point/s of this thread.
Some are specifics and others are universal :-))
I have also straddled a motorbike seat both as a rider and a pillion passenger - with folk whom I have trusted either in front of me or behind me - different experiences - one is control, the other is trust - and both are a combination of both.
Obviously, riding a bike is different from riding a horse. It is also a very different experience whether one is a female or a male too.
When comparing riding horses - being female - legs in stirrups and the exhilaration of the 'movement' within the saddle in the circumstance of trotting, cantering, and galloping - not to mention the lift-off upon jumping a fence ... a whole range of 'feelings are involved, some of which relate to sexual process as well as horsemanship.
The tightness of the sutured bottom makes for a different experience for both males and females when actually straddling a seat - even a narrow push bike seat - but I digress.
The point being, however, is one of returning to the issue of how it FEELS after healing has occurred.
This - in my opinion/experience with discussion - depends on HOW one's nerves were affected during surgery - and the nature of the cause of that surgery - and how over time prior to the surgery the body was physically - but ALSO how the person WAS and has BECOME MENTALLY as a result of chronic illness/emergency unplanned surgery/long haul management of both self-motivation, and career/life skills options and also DESIRE.
With DESIRE - also is the element of allowing fruition of desire - many elements are involved - trust, letting go, and self-care and knowledge!
Irrespective of how well or otherwise we heal physically/mentally - there is definitely the nerve feedback which has to be addressed - and in my experience - this CAN be overcome/compensated for too.
The situation as regards how our sensations of feeling are borne - depends upon our mental way of addressing - as well as [in some instances] any limiting nerve damage.
We could put forward - by way of example - the manifestation of someone who can still FEEL their amputated limb. Equally, many will still FEEL that they can go through all the mental experience of a 'normal' rectum evacuation - All this stuff takes time to process.
However, what I would also say, is that INTENTION IS A VERY GREAT PART OF THAT WHICH WE EITHER ALLOW or POSITIVELY SELF PROMOTE ourselves to do/feel/accept etc. ..... and we are definitely self-limiting if we insist on erecting mental barriers in order not to 'go through again' that which we have/currently do may perceive as 'difficult'.
If we think we can't - chances are we may not be able or at best be somewhat limiting our own joyfulness in actions/reactions.
It's a cop-out - because if we allow an imagined or even a real 'fear' to limit us - then by definition we are also convincing ourselves not to risk trying - as a consequence defeat is the result. The contra to that is RISKING THAT ONE MIGHT BE ABLE - and then the rewards can be/very often ARE HUGE!
If we HOPE we can - and over a process of adjustment progress to feeling we might actually be able - or at least - willing to progress -
Then, bit by bit we inevitably DO.
.....
Sometimes surprising ourselves by suddenly finding we ARE ACTUALLY DOING that which we had reservations toward or thought we could not.
And so, it seems to me that we have to overcome the 'trauma' element - that even the most Positively Motivated Folk have - because if we do not allow ourselves time to process - then we partially address our feelings and unconsciously there remain elements that can 'appear' when we least expect it.
In other words, the blind 'go for it' [deep breath shut your eyes stuff] does not always work - But, those who adopt this 'device' find it a useful 'nudge' to action at times - and at times they need to revisit a limiting factor that they had either chosen to overlook or become aware of something that genuinely they previously had not registered - so even the only remaining 'fly in the ointment' can be cleared up.
My own advice to myself - and sadly I am not always 100% good at following it - IS LOVE YOURSELF - LEARN TO BE GENTLE WITH ONESELF - and the rest will follow.
Experiment by degrees if unsure - of anything.
One need not have an audience when one goes about exploring how one feels.
Likewise, sometimes, it can be the best thing after an accident or a happening - to try and overcome that gut withdrawal - and immediately get right on back onto the bike seat - your horse's saddle etc. as soon as possible - but acknowledge any difficulties one feels whilst doing so - [not recommended following surgery however - take stock - ask your medics too].
One can ACTUALLY be naturally at ease and truly accepting whilst still keeping an open mind and gently pushing, or self-encouraging as one becomes more at ease.
Intimacy is something that it seems to me is so often affected by past experiences - and often the individual concerned remains only partially aware of these - and as such remains vulnerable and is held back as a consequence.
So Best Wishes for a gentle and honest exploration -
Little by little.
One other final thing - perhaps a lot of us should try and be mindful of - our own Egos - sometimes they do not serve us - particularly if they become overdeveloped or underplayed - The 'secret' - if there is one - to Progress - is BALANCE.
One cannot walk a tightrope without balance.
We do not feel warm and appreciate this - if we have never experienced coldness.
Best Wishes
Jayne
BTW Harleys are special - equally so are aerial 650s and many more marques!
Enjoy - don't leave in storage indefinitely - everything needs a 'run'.
Virtual Hug -
In your own time you will find life goes on -
Just pop out of the shadows and allow the sun to reach your enjoyment.
Hope Everyone's 2024 is a progressive Year
Waves from the Welsh Hills, in the UK
Nicky.
Welcome,
Love yourself and give yourself time.
I feel a great deal of empathy for you.
I am, however, still learning - never stop - [occasionally I do stop - loving myself - and that brings about stuff that is not helpful]
I still have stuff I need to experience / do / and have more joy in my life.
We all go through phases - with or without trauma -
"Happenings" such as radical surgery / chronic illness crisis are challenges which need us to realize what is ultimately best for us - we can then become our best - and also best for others too.
I know - it sounds convoluted - but really, it's quite simple .... it's our brains which get in the way and make stuff complex!
Best not to overthink - and that is some 'classic' statement - particularly coming from me - as it could be - validly - said about me!
Take your time - stay kind to yourself
I send you a virtual hug
and waves to Merseyside - from Middle Wales - some 800 feet up a hillside
BW
Jayne
Happy New Year. Things can only get better for you this year. Keep that smile on your face; it looks good on you.
Hi Nicki, it hasn't been that long since your surgery. Give yourself the time to heal. You will get there if and when you want. You are a very pretty woman. Your confidence will grow in time.
Pretty? That is understated. For sure.
Myself, I have a classification for such beauty.
DDG... = Drop dead gorgeous. 😍
Note to Ben: Get your front butt moving on this gal. Otherwise, I'm buying a plane ticket. Boom! 🤭
If you try a neoprene belt, it keeps everything under wraps. They're thin, 4-6” wide is fine, Velcro, and it's time for the main event! I was and still am conscious of the ileo, but this belt helped the whole mood around the ileo lighten up to nothing! It was a non-issue back when I was a dating maniac 😆 I even put a big ole bronc riding belt buckle on once, just to lighten the mood!
Save a horse, ride a cowboy or cowgirl!
Don't lose that beautiful smile, share it 💚
You are talking about a wrap around the waist, correct?
Hey! Another Kenbutt here! (A new to me term - Ha!)
I had a 650 Midnight Special for 15 years and rode it a lot with no problems. The longest one-way trip I took was a bit over 4 hours - not Iron Butt worthy, but I'm concentrating on how I did riding.
I also had numerous horses at the same time that I would ride several miles at least 2 times a week, often more. I did several rides that lasted 3-6 days straight. Never had problems with any of the different gaits.
The thing that does give me uncomfortable fits is riding a bike. I have not found the “perfect” seat for that type of transportation. I find myself constantly shifting.
I have had my ileostomy since 1986, horses till 1996 (moved and had no place to put them up, so I sold them to good homes). Had the motorcycle till around 2010 when it finally gave up the ghost for me, since I am not a great mechanic! Ha!
Good luck on your adventures!
Hey! Another Kenbutt here! (A new to me term - Ha!) I don't mean to be part of the conversation that could be considered as hijacking the thread, but this is the first time I have seen a post about riding, so I thought I would add my experiences. This can be deleted or moved if requested or by the moderator.
I had a 650 Midnight Special for 15 years and rode it a lot with no problems. The longest one-way trip I took was a bit over 4 hours - not Iron Butt worthy, but I'm concentrating on how I did riding.
I also had numerous horses at the same time that I would ride several miles at least 2 times a week, often more. I did several rides that lasted 3-6 days straight. Never had problems with any of the different gaits.
The thing that does give me uncomfortable fits is riding a bike. I have not found the “perfect” seat for that type of transportation. I find myself constantly shifting.
I have had my ileostomy since 1986, horses till 1996 (moved and had no place to put them up, so I sold them to good homes). Had the motorcycle till around 2010 when it finally gave up the ghost for me, since I am not a great mechanic! Ha!
Good luck on your adventures!