When is the Best Time to Tell Someone About Your Stoma?

When is the best time to tell someone about your stoma?

I've never had anything negative said when mentioning it; however, it's not something you drop into everyday conversation.

Especially when meeting new people.

First of all, it probably is more of an issue to you than the other person. For brief relationships, it is not necessary. They don't need to know. You do not need to walk around with a sign that says, "I have a stoma." With an ongoing relationship leading to intimate relations, the sooner the better. It is most important to realize that if a stoma bothers the other person, then that person might not be right for you. Everything happens for the best.

Hello Cheeky Monkey,

 

Welcome

 

I agree with all that Gentle John has said in the above reply.

 

Also, I would add that no matter how intimate one becomes and how love grows - if the non-stoma person in the relationship finds they have difficulty in accepting the stoma - despite their best efforts, it may be that they are unable to change their reservations. Some folk just find a 'difference' a challenge to accept unconditionally, and in all other respects, they may be an okay person.

An illustration of this can also be understood with other 'changes' some folk find difficult. [For it's not just stomas either.] When I had my metal framework bolted through my leg during the process of having a fixed ankle joint, I found that a couple of really good friends actually found the concept of the bolts going through my flesh into my bone really difficult. They felt for me, and despite this, they felt really uneasy looking. So much so, I always wore loose sports trouser bottoms to cover the leg/frame when meeting. So although this was better for them, they still remained extremely uncomfortable with the concept. Although they felt that it 'shouldn't affect them as it did' [and, bless them, were embarrassed about how they felt too]. Needless to say, both of these friends have remained friends, and our friendship in other respects has not changed. [Although I do privately think and hope that if ever my friends or their respective partners ever had similar bodily changes with radical surgeries themselves, how well would they accept/cope!]

These things are never known for sure until they are actually experienced for real, but to have shared others' experiences ahead of time can be helpful so that one is not hurt in the event a relationship is not fitting for those of us who do have stomas.

Guess I am trying to convey the point that with some folks, it's not just a matter of time that is required for adjustment. And, as Gentle John and others will concur, especially with intimacy, our situation either is totally accepted, or it will become apparent there is a resistance. And where there is a resistance, no matter how subtle, chances are difficulties will remain.

 

All of the above having been said, there are some very small cap-type non-drainable consumables [Dansac, and probably other manufacturers have them in their product ranges] that one can use as a temporary replacement for your regular collecting pouch system when an intimate session is expected or planned. These little round ultra-mini bags are snug to the stoma with no hang-down and are very good, giving one near total freedom [as far as one can achieve whilst wearing something over the stoma]. Obviously, if one can time intimacy to fit in with a low output period [and it is doable for some of us, even with an ileostomy, once one gets to know your own system and what foods react in what way and likely throughput times]. And for those with a colostomy, there is the irrigation option allowing for more control of output for a 'freedom' time window.

Over time, we get to know the doables and the 'possibles' and definitely the no-nos.

 

Big smile.

Hope this helps.

Good luck

 

Best wishes

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~waves ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jayne

Whenever you want to tell someone, there is no perfect time. Obviously, if you're going to get some lovin', you may need to mention it so the other person doesn't question why there are two things bumping up against them. 🤭

I would get to know the person first and see if it will go anywhere, as if not, it's not worth explaining everything to them. I would then explain to them once you think things will progress to be more intimate. If you know each other better and have a connection, then they should understand better as they can see that your condition does not define you and your life. I just think that sometimes if you tell someone straight away about medical conditions, due to the unknown, they make assumptions that you are always ill, go to hospitals all the time, need to be looked after, etc. It can paint a negative picture when they don't know the whole picture.

You first have to define the type of person you're talking about here to divulge this personal information to.

New friend?

Potential date?

Next wife?

Your buddy? One night stand? A quickie?

And intentions.

What is the goal you want to establish?

This "when" to tell them topic has been beaten to death here if you research how some people asked about it.

One responder said it was personal info to tell anyone, so think... would you just hand over your social security number? Your mother's maiden name? CC pin numbers? I know in print it sounds so dumb yet obvious.

No. Nike may suggest just do it. Warrior says no... don't.

You will find the right person and when to tell them.

In God we may trust, but no one sees the new ass butt or revised one.

Gotta love the bump and boom boom.

Agreed. Nailed it gentlemanly-like.

There's no right or wrong way, just what you feel is the right thing to do.

I've had one-night stands and even less in my younger days, lol, when there wasn't time to say I had a bag. It was never a problem; it's even turned women on just knowing I have a bag. Nowt so strange as folk, lol. I just see it as the same as before any of us had a bag. I'm sure most of us have had women and men turn us down, and we felt sorry for ourselves for a few days, then we moved on to the next, just the same with a bag.

Well... since my peristomal hernia/stoma duo sticks out like a wayward boob, I get stares. I explain to the obvious "stare" brethren, "It's a stoma. Riding atop a peristomal hernia."

This sudden, trite outburst from little old me is usually met with silence as they quickly look the other way. Sometimes when I'm in a jolly mood, I ask them, "Want a peek?" The once curious gawkers quickly shuffle away... far away from the kooky old man with a strange lumpy bump. But hey! That's just me. I'm a giver.

My response: no need to time anyone unless they are going to see you naked. Example: a potential lover, your doctor, maybe your dentist, physical therapist, gym or swim buddy. Most people have a hard time understanding the concept of an ostomy.

As many have said here, it's totally a personal thing and there is no right or wrong time to tell someone that you have an ostomy. There are so many variables, what kind of relationship you are talking about, platonic, intimate, casual friend, very close friend, old friend, new friend, etc., etc. It also depends on you as an individual. Some people are naturally more protective of personal information and others are open books. Some are comfortable sharing anything and others are not. So, in short, no one can really advise you on this, although that's what we are all doing! Just do what feels right for you. In my case, I've told all of my close friends, and have never experienced anything but complete support and acceptance. I've also told some new friends along the way, but sometimes not, it depends on many things. I've gotten some reactions of a natural curiosity as many people know almost nothing about ostomies, and I've been happy to tell them as much as they wanted to know.

Terry

🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

I don't usually say anything, but it's kind of on a need-to-know basis. However, sometimes I will tell people as a matter of fact. I have accepted this over the last 50 years, and I figure if I tell people who see how well I am doing and adjusted to it, that it might just help them or someone they know if they are ever told that they need one.

From my very limited experience, just intimate relationships with 2 women since 2015 when I acquired my stoma, it is not an issue at all for women. Sadly, some males may have an issue for obvious reasons; we are more superficial and overall not as empathetic as the fairer sex. Of course, there are exceptions to that generalization for both sexes. I agree with some who say that the less you make of it, the less anyone else will think of it being an issue.

As to when to share or show that you have a stoma, I have this thought that the best time would be when you are naked. Not necessarily as in right before being intimate but just being naked to show it for the first time. Follow me on this, a guy seeing a naked woman for the first time in a new relationship may likely miss you even having a stoma/pouch as there are much more interesting things in his mind to be focusing on. Go ahead, men, try to tell me I'm not right on that. And from my limited knowledge of women, it is similar for them; you are naked in front of them for the first time, they are not gonna focus on your stoma, trust me.

And just as an added thought, I understand the body issues people feel with their new stoma, but here's a secret: all people, regardless of a stoma or not, feel some sort of body issues. Just own that you are not perfect; nobody is perfect, and you are attractive to way more people than you realize in your own mind. Please take this literally: both men and women are not that picky and find most other humans attractive in their own way. Connection, the type of person you are, yes, personality even, are the most important things to the vast majority of people in whether they are attracted to another person, yes, physically.

Side note: check out the Netflix show Love is Blind, a favorite of mine. I've seen all the U.S. ones, the Sweden one, the Brazil one. When I find a new woman, she must be willing to watch shows like that with me, dealbreaker. Stoma or not, other medical issues, not happy with her body are not at all anywhere near a dealbreaker.