Dating with a bag - possible or not?

Yay Autumn Dreamer - at least you said something. Hopefully now you can reply.

Welcome Christian!

Sup ;) Where are you from?

Hey Criiz, not much is up. I am from the U.S. You can click on anyone's name on here to check out their profile. Peace

I am having the same trouble with dating. Things are fine until they find out about the ostomy, then they start acting all weird on me until things just fall apart. One thing I can say is that if you do not have the ability to accept the bag yet, no one else will. You have to be comfortable with it. That is a hard thing to do... I have had an ostomy on and off for 7 years, and I am just now starting to be able to change it on my own because I don't really like to see it.

Hi alliejmw2,

You sent a wink to say hi, so here's hi.

So introductions are always hard, so I thought I'd comment on your post on dating.

I completely agree with you regarding oneself accepting the bag, and yes as a general rule people don't accept you if you don't accept yourself. But that applies not only to this horrible bag thing we have but to our personalities and who we are in life too. Just a thought... If someone likes you and does the dating thing with you, then is put off because of the bag thing... Then surely they are not worth it anyhow? By the way, I know about multiple operations too!

My name is Alastair. Pleased to meet you!

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Hi there.

I have to agree with what you said. I'm heading for yet another surgery in a few weeks because the stoma went into my abdomen, so they have to do it over. Since I'm not a full member, I'm heading over to the general chat if you want to meet me there.

Allie

I'm having the same problem. My husband left me before my surgery for another woman in March 2011 but divorced Sept 4, 2013. I was having cramping pains in my stomach and I started throwing up, and I was throwing up a lot on Saturday night. Sunday, I went to the emergency room. I just got home today. I had a kink in my small intestine and I have an ileostomy. So glad to be home. But I have a full membership on this site, and I have no luck with nobody on here. I don't know if they're afraid to get to know you. I can't find people in my area. I just don't know what's going on with it.

Hi Pammer....and "all"...

I've been back in the dating pool, 2nd time around...for the last 20 years. Disclosing is never easy,

but I don't think of myself as "having a bag".... More like, I have an ostomy, like others have an anus.

Have to get rid of the waste somehow. It may turn some (men or women) off...and not make any difference to others. One has to kiss many a frog (or frogetts) before one finds his/her prince/princess. I'm seeing a very nice man currently, and he doesn't "see" my ostomy, or my scars, or stretch marks for that matter. I regard them all as my "badges of survival". However, I'm more conscious of my weight issue...than I am about the ostomy. But neither stop me from getting out there and meeting people. From what I heard, Mr. Right isn't going to end up on my doorstep.

So for any of you out there who want to chat....just write to me. I always answer...

And no...I'm not always upbeat and positive...A few days ago, I tripped over my bed frame, fell, bashed my shin...bled all over the carpeting and bathroom floor...had to call 911, was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I needed 6 stitches, but at least nothing broke. I'm adding still another scar to the ones I already have. And with dresses short and no stockings, that scar will be visible for all to see. :)) Best regards....

We used to say in Texas, "When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging." You're on your own, Bubba.

Hey everyone,

As a young single gal, it is a struggle to meet someone and then to tell them about the ostomy. Can anyone share a good way to do this? And what date is right? I feel like I have been able to have casual relationships and it wasn't a problem at all, but then again I wasn't thinking about a future with those people. So coming to my point, I had started dating someone and after 5 great dates and some hangouts with friends, I told him about my ostomy. Things had been heating up and it was something I needed to tell. Things felt different with this guy. He is someone I could definitely see myself with. He was even introducing me to all his friends the next day at a dinner party he was hosting. So when I told him Friday, it went okay, not great but okay... The mood changed for sure. But still, at the end of the night, he kissed me and said he would see me the next day. I met his friends on Saturday and it went well, but I do feel like he has been distant since I told him. My close friends have told me to give him time to digest what I told him. It is killing me though to wait to see what happens. If this is the reason it doesn't work out, I am pretty sure it is going to make me feel afraid to try to find someone again. Honestly, I want to reach out to him but at the same time, I feel like I should give him some space.

Oh well, please post your thoughts!!

Hi there CAMC

I hope you are well and this email finds you.

I am new to this site and have found it extremely useful in sharing experiences.
I read your email and can certainly relate to your current situation.
Just a bit of background on myself - I was 20 years old when I had a sudden bout of UC/CD - they still can't tell me but was quite ill over a 2-month period and was given a permanent ileostomy. My health ever since has been excellent.

As you would know, a big shock to the system at that age and the thoughts about meeting someone quickly diminish. It took me some time to gain the courage to date again and when I became close with someone and thought that I should reveal my situation, I quickly lost the courage to do so.
At the age of 25, I met my partner (later became my wife - now separated). She was the right person in my eyes and she definitely felt the same way about me. The most difficult part of the relationship was how I was going to tell her?

After reading your email, I think we have shared very similar experiences. My partner was curious as she had not known anyone with this condition. I recall sitting up all night with her quizzing me about my experience and how I managed and dealt with my condition. I too experienced the same distance from my partner but in the end, it was not an impediment on the relationship/marriage.

Give him some space and continue to talk to him.

I really hope things work out for you.

Take care and regards

Hi CAMC! I've definitely been in your shoes and I guess I've developed a "speech" for the occasion that I tailor to the person a bit (I dated a paramedic for a while and thought that might make it easier . . . but it didn't). I tend to do it pretty early on in a relationship. I'm an extremely honest person and I always feel like I'm lying to someone if I don't tell them about my ileostomy. I don't mean that I tell everyone--just in romantic relationships. Anyway, at the first sign that things are starting to get physical, I find a quiet time to talk. I often start by taking their hand and placing it over my ostomy (over top of my clothes) and I say that I don't want them to be shocked when the time comes that they see it. I tend to be very "matter of fact" about it because I find if I don't make a big deal about it, they don't either. Lately though, I have felt the need to expand that conversation a bit because my Crohn's disease is very severe and atypical and if I think there could be a future with us, I feel they need to know what they're getting into. I try to be balanced about the way I talk about it though. I stress that I am doing well now and that I have had some long remissions in the past but that there is no cure for this disease and I would be lying if I told them it wouldn't impact me again or that it doesn't impact me now. I feel that is the best way to go. Try not to harp on it or it will become all that you are. You may want to address this again with this guy you're seeing. He's had some time to think and react to what you told him. He may have more questions or not know how to go forward physically or he may be looking for an out, unfortunately. I've had that happen too and in those cases, it's best to just know that now and be done with it. I've learned that some people just can't handle it. Period! But they are usually the people that aren't as mature or settled in their lives or they're unrealistic about life and the fact that we all have our issues and we all get sick at some point. Hope that helps somehow.

Of course it is possible to 'date' with an ostomy!! I have had an ileostomy all my life, I am now 19, was in a long-term relationship for four years until I was 17, and have been with my current boyfriend just over 9 months. Something I feel a lot of people forget is that, even though you have had life-changing surgery, it has pretty much helped you get better, obviously, easy for me to say because I don't remember life without my pouch, but I have had friends go through the surgery and I know how difficult it can be. I personally think, when you meet someone who means something to you, just tell them, when you are ready of course! If they make rude comments or make you feel uncomfortable, then there should be no reason for you to give them the time of day. For me, my surgery saved my life. I have had incidents where people have been squeamish or rude, but I said, "This is me, take it or leave it." Just because you now have an ostomy doesn't mean you are restricted from anything in life, it just takes a little courage and the right person.

Hope this helps xxx

Hi there. I have had a colostomy since I was in grade school. When I got the colostomy, they had a support group for people with colostomies, but all the people were adults, not young people. So I had no one to talk to about things. So I grew up being very shy, afraid to go out with boys. Then in high school, I met this boy. I told him about my colostomy, and he didn't care. It never bothered him. It felt great being treated like I was normal. But we divorced after a while. Now I have a hard time finding a man who isn't afraid to be close to me. Now that I found this website, I hope I can make friends and meet people just like me.

I use bag bling to help me feel sexy again

Hey JojoOsto; yh, that really helped. Thanks for sharing. Maybe you should hit me up. I want to ask about your surgeries you had.

Hi, I went on Plenty of Fish and here is what I tried. I put in my profile that I had an ostomy. I received 26 emails from women looking to correspond. Most of them were in my general age range (58). Some of them said that they were familiar with an ostomy, having friends or relatives that had one. Some were nurses and were very familiar with an ostomy. I waited a month and rewrote my profile and left out the part about having an ostomy. I then received 41 emails. When I wrote back and explained that I had an ostomy, all but 3 were never heard from again. My conclusion was that I should be honest up front.

Hello Pammer,

It is very possible to date with a bag. I had met a man 4 years ago when I had an ileostomy. He stuck through it all with me and was very understanding of the condition I was in. He told me it didn't matter, it was the person that counted inside. As of today, we have been married over 2 years now. Plus, I had a reversal and he stood by me and took care of me for 3 months and helped with my care...so there are good men out there who are willing to date even a person with an ileostomy... God bless

Cherylem

I am giving up on this group pretty much myself. I do not understand why you cannot post an email if you are an adult. In any case, I am depressed and looking at another surgery soon that I fear will have a negative outcome for reasons I cannot get into. In any case, at 69, there are not too many outgoing people my age, period, let alone an ileostomate. No, I do not dance, and I am not Diamond Jim. Just looking for a kind ear and a smile. I cannot find any of my first two advice postings. I guess that my advice learned from experience is too different in some instances. For instance, I use a small binder clip to reinforce my Velcro closure.

Hello Latke. I found your other three posts and they were informative. I can definitely see the teacher coming out in you. :) But I do not have the same thing you do, so there wasn't much reason for me to reply or confirm anything. I don't know how long you've been here, but if you click on Main Menu, it brings up your profile page and if you keep scrolling down, it shows all your posts. Also, at the very top, there is a title called Notifications; if you click on that, it will show everyone that has responded to any topics you posted in. Just in case you haven't figured all that out already.

As for the dating aspect of this forum, it's been a (heatedly at times) debated topic for some time.

As for the email. Most sites you join (especially if they are asking for money to belong) don't want you publicly entering your address because it kinda defeats the purpose of the site. Plus, really, you shouldn't want to publicize it. But if someone sends you a private message or you can send private messages, you can put it there without a problem.

This stoma crap is just that to me. But I am learning to live with it. Depression, anger, all those wonderful feelings come along with it. I agree, the cure isn't necessarily a cure. It just seems you're trading evil for evil.

I hope your upcoming surgeries give you some relief and not too much more distress. But I'm afraid I have a pessimistic attitude about all the "fixes" myself. So I am not one that can cheer you up about anything.

Hi latke, I haven't been online for months because of illness but I would urge you not to give up on the group as the group won't give up on you. It's tough, and it's not fair, and if everything was equal, we would all live in lovely homes with manicured gardens and have a full bank account. But sadly, as you know, life's not fair. I haven't seen your other posts as I haven't been here, but really, that's irrelevant.

I don't know you, and I don't know all your medical conditions, but sometimes I feel as if there is a celestial bucket of shit that is just ready to be poured on me. I do have times I want to give up, but then I see the children who have cancer and other serious problems, and they make adults look like they are the child. They cope, and I feel ashamed.

I am very blunt, but sorry to say, time now is precious, and I try to get to the point quickly.

I hope you find the answers you need and the comfort you deserve. Lorraine

Lorraine... I just love you! You are soooo ;!

Hi there, yes absolutely! I have had an ostomy for 6 years, first a colostomy, then ileostomy after more surgery - now I've lost my rectum too. I was married when I had the first, he was good about it all, but our relationship didn't work out due to his abusiveness for other reasons. I left him, and went out with a guy who knew I had been unwell. We hit it off very well, I told him about the stoma, but it didn't deter him at all and had a great relationship. I since ended it, as he enjoyed walking miles as a hobby, whereas I have joint issues due to my Crohn's and I found I couldn't be as active, so I let him go. I'm now engaged to another lovely guy who also has no issues at all about it.

The right person will love you for who you are and what you have, but first you need to accept it yourself. For me, it was a life or death situation, and I'd rather be alive. A stoma can be your friend, after all, it's much cleaner than not getting to the loo on time - I've named mine too, it was 'Henry' when I had a colostomy (Henry the hoover sucks, mine blows lol) now I have an ileostomy I call it Henrietta - it helps to come to terms with it. Plus, I've put smiley faces on it at times.

Of course, we all get those days when we don't cope, but as time goes by, we find we accept it more, and if we do then non-ostomates find it easier too. It's not your whole life, it's only part of you, so don't let it stop you dating, as it won't bother the right person xx

Hi all... :)

Is it just me or.. as you get older with an ostomy.. do you think more about maybe hoping to find someone else that has an ostomy too?

Let's face it, dating is hard enough.. but.. maybe some of us are missing the boat by saying it doesn't matter.. maybe it does.

I understand that you don't want that to be the thing that binds you to someone but.. I don't know.. this thought has been on my mind lately..

Thoughts please!!

Well, JJ, I have shared many thoughts on this subject before, so I'll try to make this short and sweet. Dating sucks, big time! As far as limiting ourselves to ostomates, the only advantage to that is we won't have to explain this wonderful bag on our belly. Other than that, there is still all the doubts and wonderments of first meeting, then getting to know and trusting someone enough with our inner secrets to even consider going to the next steps. The older we get the less important it is that we play all the games that go along with the dating scene. Take me for what I am or don't take me at all. That's pretty much how I feel. I've gone through too much in my life (not just talking about this cancer and this stupid surgery I was told I had to have to stay alive) to play dating games. Trust me, I can still play them, I simply don't want to. I don't think anyone here is saying they are looking for someone that doesn't have an ostomy. They are just looking for someone that gets them. The only thing that will come of finding someone on this site that has an ostomy is that you won't have to worry about explaining it. Otherwise, you still have all the anxiety that comes with a new relationship and wondering if it will last and if they will take you for who you are. Hugs. Z

Dating is hard. Living with this is hard. My condition left me with nerve and muscle damage after it was under control. My favorite thing is having a conversation only to be interrupted by a squelchy bag-fart. I enjoy the 'pop-pop-fizzle' ones even more. The hardest thing to deal with is all the friends who I thought were friends dumped me like a piece of garbage. They didn't even visit me in the hospital. I was crushed.

Hi Dweide, I wanted to quickly respond to your post regarding the stoma noise and friends not visiting while in the hospital. I completely understand how disappointing it is when you think you have a good friend or friends and they let you down. I had a friend, had it the key word, for over 20 years. She was so absorbed in her life that she forgot to ask about mine when I was sick. Yes, I did receive a few phone calls and cards but all she wanted to do is talk about her problems, aches and pains. And, I was the one getting a stoma. Eventually, I had had enough and told her how selfish she was and is. I refer to these types of people as vampires...they suck the life out of you and disappear until the next recharge. The friendship cooled and I was fine with it. Anyway, two years later, she had some medical issues. I continued to talk to her from time to time, but I did not go out of my way. You get what you give...I made some phone calls and sent her some "get well" cards like she did for me. I am dealing with my own medical stuff so I need to help me first. As for the pouch music, my pouch grumbles especially when I am starving and I gulp down a meal which is often. I know I should be eating throughout the day but the less I eat during the day, the less I need to worry about my ileostomy. Not a balanced lifestyle but it works for now. One time, with clients, it let loose, popping and sputtering - I brushed it off and said my belly was growling for food. Because I am always hungry, no one thought twice. Good luck to you and know that we are all here to help and support one another. I totally enjoy reading the posts as they give me encouragement and great advice. Take care and have a nice weekend. LH

Having an ostomy might increase our difficulties in finding someone. But as in any activity in life, confidence is paramount.

In our society, bathroom needs are kept private. Talking about stool and bowel movements can be awkward or uncomfortable. This is often true for a person with an ileostomy. But while you learn how to deal with the changes that have been made, you may need help and advice. A good sense of humor and common sense are needed when changes in body function take place. Be confident. You can learn the new system. Before long, you again will be in control.

Copied from:

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/physicalsideeffects/ostomies/ileostomyguide/ileostomy-guide-toc

Maybe because I grew up in a different society, I am not as bothered by having a stoma, or maybe just being full of myself might be the reason.

In any case, at least once a week, I get asked to add these 25-30-year-old gorgeous women to my list of friends.

Ed

I appreciate it. :)

D! I didn't realize you were from Michigan too! That's great!!

I am sad that your friends are like that. My family and friends have always been really supportive. Guess those people just were not worth your time.

Hope you find some great friends along the way here!