Remember the Doughnut. I had forgotten about that poster on the wall when I first set foot in The Bronx. I really didn't understand, not really (I wasn't the sharpest tool in the box at the time!! and am still learning). The poster is about Positives and Negatives in this complicated life. It's a quite deep philosophical concept (for a dimwit like myself!!). The Doughnut would not really be a Doughnut without the Hole... I know the jammy gooey delicious ones, but the real original Doughnut is defined by the hole in the middle, the bit that's missing, its imperfection defines it.
Those days when all you can see is the hole in your life, the missing bits, the imperfections, the personal loss you have endured, the loss of the most important person in your life, your confidante, lover, the warm shoulder you could lean on for solace and who gave your life meaning no matter how every other aspect of your life was going. The empty space at the table, the bed that is now just a bed. The bed that used to be full of laughter having coffee and toast on the weekends. As often happened... Kitty squealing with laughter at the radio..."Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" on NPR, Kitty's sweetheart kids would quietly open the door a crack and very gently say..."I hope you guys are not fighting!!!" Then all four of us would pile into a heap on the bed and continue our Sunday morning laughathon.
The good times and good memories have to be balanced by the not so good ones to give us perspective and the ability to really understand and appreciate our blessings, light a candle instead of cursing the darkness, as a wise person once said.
Reading people's stories of their ostomy progress and about life-changing events in the lives of people who contribute their prose and poetry is quite encouraging I find. Most people eventually overcome the pain, the grief, and the utter horror that was attached to their health conditions. I had many years of pain and agony, sleepless nights that went on for months. I think it takes your body a long time to assimilate and adjust to the new configuration and when it does you might feel sort of normal again. Better late than never I say.
The holes in your life are still holes but they help you (eventually) to appreciate the sweetness of the people and events that only come into your life without those holes. I would not have had the experience of being with my mom for the last ten years of her life (lost at 89 years old). I would never have met the love of my life, Kitty, or her sweetheart son and daughter. All the lovely memories we created would never have happened.
When I feel sad and lonely I remember the sweetness and love of life that Kitty brought into my life when we became a loving little family of four for those three years and then of course I have a little cry about the years with her children that she and they will never have.
When I came here to Marin to help my brother cope with losing the love of his life he told me that people think they have some idea how bad it feels for the most important person in your life to just disappear, never to be seen again. They don't, is what he said. Your grief is your grief, the sister, mother, brother will have their grief, in their way. They knew the person but not in the same intimate way, the bond and the connection is different. Then as we ordered some food to pick up while in quarantine after flying from Ireland and then getting shingles!! I was having a video chat with Kitty at my brother's place in Marin. As he left to pick up the food I was chatting with Kitty as she lay on her bed, about to have a nap before dinner. When he got back with the food I was a blubbering mess. Kitty had been taken to the hospital after (we later found out) a massive heart attack caused by a big clot. I knew in my soul that I had lost her but I told myself it was potassium imbalance and an infusion would fix it right up. My mind could not accept that this wonderful person so full of life and love could just suddenly be gone from our lives. We had been chatting about a big 5 bed house she had her eye on, had to have spares for visitors. She showed me the house and we talked about the veggie garden greenhouse I would build for us. Spending our summers in Ireland and the cheap travel available within Europe.
I was almost catatonic all night after Kitty's sister confirmed what I felt, sat on my bed just staring into space most of the night.
That previous bit is one of the holes that almost swallowed me whole, a dark pit with no bottom. I feel Kitty at my shoulder sometimes whispering encouragement in my dreams helping me to crawl back out of that hole when I get too close to the edge.
Concentrate on the Doughnut!!! She says with that impish grin and a sparkle in her eye....and get yourself out of that hole!!!
If you got this far thank you....even if nobody ever read it I get solace just from writing it down.
Love and peace to all the Baggers out there
Eamon
