Feeling Doomed at 32 with a Stoma

Hey all, as per the title I'm at a bit of a low place right now. I've had my permanent stoma for 18 months now (I had a looped ileostomy for 18 months previously) and suffered yet another setback with a nice woman. My Crohn's and subsequent mass of operations ended my previous 7-year relationship.

I have taken my time in getting back into the "meeting women" scene as I have been very ill, and it's making me regret agreeing to a proctocolectomy, which is strange as I know things had been desperate and agonizing before the surgery. I just wanted an end to it.

I just feel it's put an end to any chance of meeting someone.

Sorry, not the best first post. I should have really just said hello first.

Marc

Hi Marc, I just did a search on your age group {32-35} for females looking for a relationship on this site....I got 5 pages of profiles....... Just suggesting you might meet the girl of your dreams right here. Now get busy....

Marc, I do understand. I think we all do! Your cute enough, as above said. Soz, super um, yeah, check out the women in this page. Your age group, gr8 mms, good suggestion..

Hi Mark,

I just posted a similar reply to another "mate"...with similar issues. I told him to hang in there and give it a chance. I had my surgery 48 years ago, when I was 15, and began to date with an ostomy soon after that. I decided back then, that if someone couldn't accept the ostomy, then he wasn't the person for me. But back then, situations didn't get intimate as quickly as they do now. Although I married and had kids, I'm now divorced and am back to dating and the same issues. When do I tell? For me, my ostomy is my "badge of survival", and I wear it proudly. Some men are quite accepting and others aren't. We all have flaws....some are just more visual than others. The most important part is to first accept yourself..... and be glad to be alive. Anyone who really cares for you, won't be bothered by the ostomy. Best of luck to you....and start searching....on this site, and out in the dating world.

Marsha

Hey, Marky-Marc - you are a good-looking young man with an interesting name (where have I heard it before?) - what makes you think you are going to be single for the rest of your life. I agree with MMSH - you've got 5 pages of nice, compassionate young women available to you on this site - I'd say you are way ahead of the game!

Now try being 54 and single - that's when it's appropriate to feel doomed to being single the rest of one's life (it's not like I'm old and set in my ways - it's just like MMSH once said - I can love my dog, but when he gets on my nerves I can stick him out in the yard!) ;

My Ostomy Journey: LeeAnne | Hollister

Hey Mark!

I feel like we have a lot in common. I'm 32 and have had a permanent ileostomy for just over a year now. Let me assure you that there is hope! I'm living proof!

I hope you are at least feeling better and healthier since your surgery. I got the impression from your post that you are. Being in a relationship is hard enough when you're healthy. I'm sorry to hear your last one ended while you were ill.

I felt so good a few months after surgery I joined an online dating site just to start getting out and meeting people. I didn't have any real hope of successfully dating either, but I had been a sick recluse for so long I didn't have many other options heh. However, I lucked out and met an amazing girl and we've been together ever since!

And she's so cool. Doesn't have a squeamish bone in her body. My point is THERE ARE GIRLS OUT THERE WHO WON'T CARE! Beautiful girls! Fun girls! Do yourself a favor and find yourself one!

I can't guarantee you'll meet one right out of the gate. There are going to be awkward moments, but there are always awkward moments. There's going to be the chance of rejection, but there's always the chance of rejection. My only advice is this: I think the ideal timing for "the talk" is somewhere between first and second base... maybe shortstop at the latest

Best of luck!!!
Matt

Hey Mark... I completely understand the way you feel. I don't have any advice for you (sorry), just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

Okay Mark. Listen to these people. At our last support group meeting, a new woman showed up, young (The rest of us are mostly over 60). Her boyfriend left when her colostomy arrived. Then she met her current love on a discussion board just like this. He also has a colostomy and they are both going to attend our evening meetings together.

It is not over for you. It is just beginning, unless you stop.

I think your problem is part of a larger disease that seems to be consuming our society where it's not considered important to honor the wedding vows of "in sickness and in health."

Don't give up on finding loving supportive friends and a special someone!!

Brenda Elsagher's book is advertised on the top of this page, It's in the Bag and Under the Covers. Have you read it? I'd recommend it for everyone. It's a collection of stories by ostomates about personal relationships in the face of ostomies.

Marc,

I'm 39, and had the same surgery you had about 7 months ago. I still can't quite get used to the proctocolectomy. I've been in the mode where you feel like this just isn't a life that you want to live. I don't think anyone wants to live this life. However, I've been off prednisone for 6 months. I've never, ever been off prednisone that long since being diagnosed with Crohn's.

You just fight to make the best of things. I'm still struggling with when you tell someone that you have an ostomy. Do you wait for them to get to know you so that they have more of a bond to you? I think people forget that the one you are with has some sense/feeling of what you are going through and live a portion of it with you. I know my ex-wife got frustrated with the disappearing to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes at a time when you go out. Wondering if I could go out was an issue. I couldn't travel. We had to worry about where we went to eat. It becomes a big part of the other person's life as well. I hate to say this, but to say "If they love you, they will understand" is a bit unfair. I think it is very, very hard to ask/expect someone to have to conform/live your life to a certain degree.

That being said...
I think the poster that said find someone with similar circumstances hit the nail on the head. You both understand what the other is going through. It's funny how sometimes we get "messages." My gastro Dr told me that I needed to get a divorce quick because the stress of the divorce was killing me. Then he went into a story about how he tried to talk a friend of his into NOT marrying someone with Crohn's. It is hard to put the conversation into the proper context, but the moral of the story was that relationships would be very hard. I was a bit down about the conversation, and I met a woman online. She wanted to meet and indicated that we had to be "mindful of where we went for food." I asked why. She indicated that she had digestive issues. I pushed and asked if it was Crohn's. Guess what? .. It was. We met and she was wonderful. I had a great time. We aren't together. However, it hit home to me that I had to find someone that understood...not necessarily someone that had Crohn's but that understood it in the way I did.

I hope that helps.

Anyway...
Keep looking.
Keep living.

Later,
Ellison

I had my operation last Feb and have just started thinking about trying to find someone new. I've been really ill for a couple of years, so I've been out of the whole social world for some time. It's really scary and has left me with not much confidence, so I'm finding it very hard. Like most people, I was in a long-term relationship before all this really kicked off, so trying to get to know people knowing I may have to tell them about my stoma is something I'm finding hard at times, as it's very easy to let the rubbish thoughts in. I just have to be brave and push on, I guess, and hope that there really is someone out there for everyone.

Hi, I've had my stoma for 7 years and was in a long-term relationship and he stood by me through it all. Now we have just separated and I'm kind of in the same place as you, but I believe that if I meet someone new and my little friend is an issue for them, then they are obviously not the right person for you!
Keep your chin up, hun, and if you ever wanna chat, I don't mind listening x

Hi all, thank you so much for your kind responses. It seems that I have just had so much confidence sucked out of me. I'm currently seeing a therapist and am on a course to try and help regain some of my self-esteem. It's early days but it can't do any harm.

I've struggled a lot since I had my last major surgery and have been regularly sick for the past year. I've just been through the whole batch of 'tests' again to see what's going on. I still have just under half of my small bowel and it seems that it just has not settled.

I have been unable to go to work for ages now, which also seems to contribute to feeling so low.

But I really appreciate all your comments. You're a good bunch.

Know how I feel, Marc. I've had my ileostomy since I was 17 and am now 36. I always feel awkward when I'm with a new woman. I have had a few issues since with pilonidal sinus, first 12 years ago and again recently. I have had 3 operations since August 2011 and have been off work since then. I've found it hard being stuck in the house and away from work and the real world for so long. I'm hoping to start back in a few weeks, as things have improved well lately. I actually joined this site thinking it would help me maybe find someone that understands, as other comments say. All we can do is keep our chins up and get on with it. Good luck, life can only get better....

Cheers

Steve

Hey Marc,
It's all in the attitude. You have quite a few of us telling you that there is definitely hope. Especially when you are a good-looking guy like yourself.
I have had an ileostomy since my early 20s and now in my 50s. I have been married twice and now have a boyfriend for the last 10 years. I don't think of myself as very attractive, but I am usually told that I am very sexy because I act that way. It's all about your confidence and how you view yourself is what others will see.
You need to give it a shot. Yes, it will be awkward at first and yes, you will need to have a little courage. But, the prize will be very sweet.
Hang in there and go for it.

Hiya Marc,

I only recently had surgery so haven't been through the same as you, but I do understand your concerns about being single long term. After reading everyone else's replies, I've decided to be upfront with people about my wee pal Zena. If it's off-putting, then they really aren't the right person to have in my life. Similarly, in your case, I'm sure you would want to share your life with someone who accepts you, no matter what your health issues, and sees past the outer shell.

It's hard to keep positive, I can appreciate that. We all have low points, which are often exacerbated by steroid use...lol I'm up and down like a yo-yo...but if you can try, hold on to the positive aspects of your life since surgeries. Less pain and better quality of life is what I try to focus on.

I hope that things improve and you don't feel so disheartened. I'm sure you will find someone to love you bag and all...probably when you aren't looking and least expect it!!!

Regards, Sheila

Hi Marc

I'm 28, nearly 29, and have been through something pretty similar. I'm now 10 years down the road with a permanent ileostomy and an ex after 6 years together!! I am lucky to say that the two are not related!!

When I became single at 27, I felt that no one was ever going to want to be with me ever again because of how different I was!!

When I was ready post-breakup, I met quite a few different men who all had different reactions and a different take on how they felt about it. Some were honest, some not so much, but I always knew why some guys never called again, even if we had not even gotten that far into things!!

I then moved to Saudi (I'm from Essex originally!!) vowing to earn loads of money and live a truly indulgent lifestyle with good friends and no men involved!!

All I will say is no matter what you plan, life will always come along and change them!! I am very pleased to say I am now in a relationship with an amazing Egyptian guy who is a little younger than me but is wise beyond his years!!

I even used my stoma to try and scare him off at first!! It didn't work as he had a friend who had bowel cancer very young, so he knew all about 'my baggage'!!

The reason I'm telling you all of this is that I have been where you are right now!! Who knows, I may well be there again one day, but whatever you do, don't give up!!

There are millions of single people in the world with and without bags. It doesn't define you as a person, and anyone worth spending any significant amount of time with will know this!!

When you're off the steroids, things will settle. It takes time to discover who you are and the person you have become, but believe me, you may well be pleasantly surprised by some of the people out there!! The rest of them are not worth your time or energy!!

Take care

Millie xxxxx

Hi - I recently met the man of my dreams ... on this site. We're doing great. Sometimes good things happen.

Can I just say... Marc, I've seen your profile (and pictures) and I don't think you would have any problem finding a date.

I had a total colectomy at 25 years of age. I met my wonderful husband of 23 years after my surgery. I was feeling very insecure but healthy and ready to get on with my life. When you get off all the drugs and stabilize, I hope you feel the same.

Mark...

Way off. You will find someone. But you got to get your head in the right place. Do you introduce yourself to women as "Mark - the fun, witty smart guy"?

Or "Mark with an ostomy"... chicks dig witty fun guys. The stoma is a small side note. I don't think a woman that finds you attractive because of your personality will mind the stoma part. But you can't lead with "Mark - the Stoma guy".. Don't let the stoma define who you are. It's a part of you no doubt but not all of you... Get your head in the right place and the babes will come.....

Chin up fella had 4 beautiful ladies in my life lost 2 to cancer.

One was a model still with the 4th 11 years now.

She put a quote on Facebook once: "He might not be perfect, but he's perfect for me." And she is 11 years younger than me.

Positive thinking is all it takes.

Dave C.

I get it. Totally. Sorry, I don't have any advice.

Hey hun, I've got a permanent urostomy, my ex put me down etc and I've been hurt a lot due to the problems I had prior to the urostomy last month. I can relate to how you feel. I joined the group in hope to find an equal, a friend, then maybe more in the future. I'm petrified and unless you go through these ops, peeps don't have a clue. But remember, you are stronger than you realize and you will find the right one, so keep ya chin up. I'm emm by the way, always here if you want to chat or rant xx

Hi, how are you? Nice pics... I'm new to the site... I'm from Wolves and had UC for 6 years now with an ileostomy and would love to share experiences, etc.

Hi

Love your sense of humor!

Hi Mark,

You are still quite young. Get yourself in order first, then worry about dating and all that. You will meet someone who cares. I know that is the usual line that is given, but it is true. But until you get yourself in the right mindset and feel better physically, you don't need the extra pressure of a relationship.

I hope you find someone eventually. Hang in there.

Oh how well I understand. I did too. It's been almost a year and I am not happy. They say you get through it and I guess you do, but it is not easy. On top of that, I lost my mom on Monday. Sad times for me. Just keep on going. It's time for good things to happen for us both J

It just takes time, my friend. Stay positive. You will find someone special.

Amazing. This forum eleven years ago had so many caring people offering excellent, encouraging advice. Sadly, most of them do not post anymore. I think it was Bob who pointed out that it has a huge attrition rate. Hopefully, the missing ones are thriving wherever they are, including the one who raised the discussion first.