Struggling with Life After Multiple Failed Surgeries

I had my ileostomy in 2007. My wife could not deal with my problems and divorced me in 2010. I am 66 years old. I had four surgeries because of a messed-up surgery at the VA. Not only do I have the ileostomy, but they also cut all the nerves to my bladder and groin, so I have to use a catheter to urinate and can no longer get an erection. The desire is there but no action. It's been 10 years without a mate, and I really hate it. What woman would accept me with all these issues?

I am so sorry that your partner left you. Mine did the same thing, and I have known several other people whose spouses left them as well. People are so cold. I lost my sex life to cancer surgery, so I understand the struggle you are dealing with. Keep your head up! I know it's easier said than done. You are not alone!

Hi Megalyman, have you discussed your erectile dysfunction with your doctor? I don't want to assume anything here because I know some men are very reluctant to discuss sexual issues with their doctors. It could be as simple a fix as the little blue pill. Please have faith that there is someone out there who will see past your physical issues and just see you. Don't give up.

Terry

Hi, My name is Marsha, and I have had my ileostomy for more than 50 years, since I was a teen. I had all kinds of medical treatment, as well as surgeries, which left my body somewhat damaged. They cut the nerves to my bladder, so I have no sensation and for the last 50 years have been peeing by the clock. Two pregnancies further damaged my body. Yet I dated during high school, married a man who also had an ileostomy. Sadly, the common ostomy was not enough to keep us together, and we divorced after 24 1/2 years of marriage. I've been dating during the last 20+ years, and although I haven't found "the one," I've been with understanding, supportive partners. I've also been with men who, due to surgeries or other conditions, have varying amounts of ED. That's when both partners have to be creative. There's more to an intimate relationship than a working penis. It's been said that orgasm comes from the brain! And with some thought and practice, men and women can satisfy each other's emotional and physical needs, even if there are limitations. You have to have faith in yourself, and in your partner, to put yourself out there, to share life, romance, intimacy. Not saying it's easy, but I've known people who have stayed in sexless marriages for years. Not saying I would... but if you want more, you have to put yourself out there and take risks. Best of luck to you. Marsha

Hi megalyman,

Wow brother... sounds like you did draw the short straw... really sorry to hear that. I think Marsha pretty much said it all. The only thing I can add is that you might be looking at it from the wrong end. Rather than asking what women would want to be with someone with all your issues... ask what women would want to be with someone who still has so much to give. Focus on the good stuff you'll be offering to someone, not the bad. When you read women's dating profiles, you don't want to read reasons why you shouldn't date them... you want to hear why you should! Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Everyone. Show her what you have to offer and then the two of you can decide if each other's skeletons are show-stoppers... or just things you can both work on or ignore. If you're truly a good guy... then you're in high demand out there... with or without a boner!

Regards,

bob

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Hi Meylyman

Bob is right. I know I get a lot of pressure around having sex from guys. I'm not capable of having a full-on sexual relationship due to all the damage from chemo and radiation. I sure wouldn't want one with a pushy jerk who has no empathy!

Being a good guy counts for a lot in my book. There are a lot of women out there who feel the same way. Just be honest and move forward. Sex isn't everything, and intimacy can and does exist without it. Good luck, you deserve love - we all do!

Hi megalyman... sorry to hear about your bitter half... whatever happened to "for better or worse"? With that said, remember not all females or mates are the same... Yours is out there; just keep looking, stay positive, and be yourself! We are here for you... keep smiling.

Your homey with a stoma 😉