Why am I feeling overwhelmed with my stoma after 2 years? Need advice.

After coping with a stoma for 2 years, why do I feel I've had enough?

Can't get an ostomate and feel like life has ended.

Anyone got any answers?

Hi Easygoing,

I am Bays from California and a new OM.

I understand your feelings. I have felt the same. I have a urostomy and it has only been 17 months. And oh boy, is it a work in progress. I am still healing from my surgery too and still need help. I had a "why" moment the other day with a few tears. And it is a drag!

But we are here because the universe had other plans for us. I feel that personally, for me, I have to love the old me with the new me. I enjoy every day to the fullest because no two days are the same. Then one can give themselves to the one they desire and be happy. I will bet that friendship, love, or support from someone you enjoy will come around in due time.

But I know we all can always use a big hug or a shoulder at times. Plus, being here at OM is awesome. Best therapy ever!

Sending an air hug. Take care and smile and be safe.

Bays ;)

It's more common than you think for everything you have been through and ostomy surgery to catch up with you years later than just after having surgery.

You have to learn to love yourself first before getting into relationships or it's over before it's started.

Have you told GP/stoma nurse how you're feeling? Always a chance you have depression but that's for doctors to diagnose.

I don't think many members on site ever do have a relationship with anyone on here. Do you have any hobbies that can get you out more to meet more people? I know at the minute with all the restrictions due to COVID it's almost impossible to do in the UK, but it's gradually changing. Hopefully, before long, we will be back to some kind of normality where we can.

As others said, you are more than an ostomy. Make yourself interesting... find things you love doing and learn to enjoy life, get a pet, volunteer. Finding a love partner is icing on the cake but not the whole cake.

As an actor said, "Get busy living."

Hey Gordon,

I've been where you're at, I guess many on here have. As Panther said, you have to accept your new self.......and get back to loving yourself.....before anyone else will love you. It took me more than 2 years.......closer to 4.......but you get there. And when you do, you stop thinking of yourself as an "ostomate" and you'll be back to thinking of yourself as Gordon...with a slight modification. Maybe Gordon 2.0. And then you'll start being your old self, the one people will want to be around, and life will start up again.......in some ways better, and in some ways worse. But that's life. You sound like life's been as unkind to you as it has to many of us.......but the old adage is true........what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger. And I'm not trivializing what you're going through now, or giving you a pat on the head and saying it will all be better soon. Only you'll know when it's better........but it will get better. Trust me, if it didn't..........I'd be the first one on here to tell you so.

So as far as dating goes.......if you want to put your foot in the water right now......expect some disappointment. If you can't handle that, then don't do it. Wait until you're you. I know.......that doesn't help with the loneliness or having a rock to support you through this. But if your options are getting more depressed or being lonely.......go the lonely route and get a dog! Or cat, snake, fish, parrot.......whatever suits you. Depression is much harder to deal with and treat than loneliness. And yeah, I know, easier said than done.......but you're going to have to pick a path......so choose wisely. When you are ready to date, don't feel that your only option is another ostomate.......it's not. I wouldn't preclude an ostomate either, but just being with one won't remove all the barriers typically between men and women in terms of relationships. Yeah, it's pretty cool to have a partner that understands what you're dealing with, and that you can be yourself with, rather than always feeling like you have to hide the fact that you have a shitbag on your tummy. But you'll find as we all get older everyone has their demons or warts or whatever you want to call it........even the non-ostomates. And if they don't.......they will. No one gets out of this alive.

One thing I may look into is dating nurses. Don't laugh, with their wacky hours there's tons of them out there looking for a partner who understands their stressful way of life. Just Google "Date a Nurse" and you'll find there's tons of dating sites devoted to just that. And you know that for the most part they're incredibly kind and don't sweat the small stuff, as they deal with life and death all day. You may find they understand (at least more than non-ostomates) what your world is like and it won't make them run screaming from the table on your first date. Anyway, just a suggestion.

Hang in there, bro.......it just takes time, and you can't rush it. When you get back to being you, you'll know it. That's the time to go find a partner for the last chapter of your book........who'll love Gordon, not the ostomate named Gordon.

Cheers,

Bob

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

My brother was a diabetic with major health problems, so he spent a lot of time in hospitals. He also dated many nurses, all of whom were very kind and pretty. However, dealing with major sickness at work and home caused a huge amount of stress for the nurses, so the relationships never lasted very long. My brother was a charming man.

Easygoing ...

I agree and disagree with some others here. I do wholeheartedly agree that you need to like yourself first. Accept the new you fully. Keep being yourself and life will follow.
I do, however, disagree that people on here, other ostomates, can't find a soulmate. Continue to love yourself and carefully open your mind... then your heart. I was never searching for someone, but have been lucky to find someone that I talked with as friends, then it slowly blossomed into more.
Don't lose faith in the possibility of meeting the right woman for you.... Kind of like getting hit over the head with a brick, then you will realize that there is love and understanding out there, so just be you as that's all we can be.
Stay positive.... Ritz
And yes... it was on this site

Hi, I'm Marsha, and I've had my ileostomy for 55 years, since I was a teen... Through the years, there were many times that I said, "I've had enough" of cleaning, bills, fighting with my ex, infestation of ants... but never of life. I loved Married's advice, "Get busy living." I know the UK has ostomy associations, so if that's what you want, then go that route. Connect with a meeting location or chapter. But that's a start and a limitation. Going out to be social has nothing to do with an ostomy. It's tucked in your pants for when you "need" to use it... Hmmm, much like a penis. If you're looking for a sexual relationship, that takes a little more time and work. Be the best social, sincere, kind, friendly person you can be and attend social events. Be social, meet people, make new friends, find new activities. You will meet people/women. Don't be too quick to reveal your "secret"... Get to know the person first, and let her get to know you. Best of luck. Marsha