Late Night Thoughts on Dating with an Ileostomy

Since 2009, I've been dealing with this ileostomy and how to tell people about it. I vacillate between being resigned to being alone for the rest of my life and an engulfing loneliness at the prospect, to hope that there might be the magic combination of a man who not only has the qualities I need (kindness, intelligence, curiosity, life experiences) but who isn't completely turned off at the thought of the baggage I carry, literally. I'd rather be alone than to be with just someone. But I'd infinitely rather be with the one who can overlook said baggage and just see me.

I recently trod the same steps with a man that I had with a few others, but really feeling that this time was different; there's been no intimacy, just a couple of months of great—no, awesome—conversations, as there's geographic distance. And I believe he's trying to be "ok" with it; he's a good man, whom I respect and enjoy. But there's just that little bit of cooling, a little less eagerness to spend time with me, that difference that I'm sure many here have felt. It's not completely unexpected, but it's disappointing, and it stings more.

Hi autumndreams, your message made me feel sad as you sound so down with this side of your life. I have had my ileo since 1998. I had been married a year and had a small baby to care for, so it was hard. The ileo never bothered my husband, as I am sure it won't bother the right person if they love and care for you. After 15 years, we divorced due to his problems, and I am now alone too, but I feel optimistic about the future as I believe, clichéd as it may sound, that the one is out there. You just have to kiss a few frogs (and toads) before you find your prince. Keep faith as you are a lovely, kind, caring woman and will find happiness, I am sure. Karen x

Hey there Autumndreamr. I have had a colostomy and then an ileostomy for the past 11 years, since I was 19! In that time, I have been in two relationships, the first with a hot pro surfer and the second with my husband of 5 years and partner of 9. I did not tell either man I had a bag to start with. I was horrified enough with it myself to tell them straight up, but eventually, when it came down to the nitty-gritty (you know what I mean), I just said I had a little hole on my tummy which is covered by a little bag... At this stage in the relationship, both boys (men I suppose) were totally into me and didn't care in the slightest about the bag. I feel extremely blessed that this is the case, but I truly believe that you need to be confident in yourself before you will find what you are looking for. It is hard for someone to love you if you don't love yourself and look at all you have been through; you are a champion to go through this horrible thing but yet still be optimistic enough to be on this forum. I think what is a great thing to do is go out and have an awesome time with good friends and feel pretty, sexy, and vibrant, and then, when it's supposed to, you will meet someone who loves you for the person you are and not be at all bothered about the sneaky little bag. I have only told a very small amount of my friends about my bag because I believe no one needs to know, so why should I tell them? They don't tell me about their bowel habits!! I suppose it has been pretty easy for me to hide as I can still get away with wearing a pretty small bikini (my stoma is low and small), but even so, I still think you don't have to tell people; it's no one's business but yours! Anyway, I really hope you are not feeling too sad about this guy not being so eager anymore, and I think next time maybe just don't tell them, meet them first and let them make up their mind once you have had a chance to show them who YOU are. oxo Kimberley

Hi Kimberley, I totally agree with you. It is all about confidence and how you feel about yourself. I also think that most men (unless they are really shallow) are less hung up on appearance than women are. We see things from our view and most men are only concerned with the 'nitty gritty' in the end!! Karen x

Thanks for the kind comments. I'm trying not to let having this define me, just hard when it seems to define me for others. I didn't want to travel so far or have him travel, and have it be a surprise. I can't even say that someone is shallow if it bothers them, that's just their preference as I have my preferences.

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

The thing is, ideally no one would have the preference of a lover actually having a bag. In fact, if I didn't have one myself and didn't know about them, I would probably get a bit freaked at the thought of one too. So no, it's not shallow if it initially bothers them; however, if they are not really interested in getting to know you more just because of the fact you use the bathroom slightly differently from them, then maybe it's time to start chatting to other nice guys... there are plenty out there! You are a beautiful girl, so smile, hold your head up high, and be proud of who you are. You will fall in love with the right guy when it's supposed to happen. oxoxo

Hello Autumndreamr,Just a comment from a male perspective. I think Kimbo's comments are very pertinent. Obviously it would be great if everyone was perfect but for those of us who look beyond the external and physical, it is about what that person is like on the inside. Having a sound and great personality is much more attractive in a long-term relationship than similar qualities of body. If you become confident with who you are it will radiate into every relationship you have. Sometimes it is useful not to perceive new relationships as having any potential other than platonic friendship. This way you get to know people and they get to know you without any expectations. If a stronger bonding develops over time it is this bond that will continue and not whether or not you have some physical attributes that may or may not be attractive. There is an old Jamaican saying that sort of sums up a more pragmatic approach to relationships: Love don't last -- cooking do! I have been married since 1968.(44years and she still can't cook!) We knew each other a few years before that as acquaintances during which time we had a chance to ascertain whether or not we might be suited for a longer-term relationship. I don't recall ever wondering whether she was or was not perfect physically and it would not have mattered either way. There are some things that you can do something about and other things you can't. It is surely the former that matter most and it is those things that reflect your basic personality.Just enjoy life as it comes and someone will recognise your qualities rather than your hangups.Best wishes Bill

Hi Autumndreamr! I hope that this day finds you feeling better about your potential relationship... I understand how you are feeling as I have had more than one man cool off after learning of my little friend. :-) Now, I have decided that it must become a non issue for me because if I feel the need to apologetically tell a man about this, then that should be red flag #1. We don't apologize for the color of our eyes or hair so having an ostomy is as much who we are as those things. I won't feel guilty or embarrassed about it, anymore...Now, I talk the talk but walking the walk? I have a friend who lives on the West Coast. We've never met face to face but have talking on the phone for almost a year. We discuss everything but I've never told him. I'm not sure why. Partly, I think it doesn't matter and the other part is I'm afraid he will cool off like your friend has. He is coming to visit me in the Spring. I'm not sure if I will tell him before then...I know, I'm no help. Sorry! I just relate to what you've posted and I wish that this part of our lives was easier. I understand why you told him. It's kinda hard to explain the rude noises that escape from our tummy area when they have no idea. I'd rather tell than for them to think I just totally have no manners! It would be so much easier with a man who has an ostomy also. Wonder where that section is located on Match.com? lolHope your day is great!Rhonda

Hello Autumndreamr, I, Charles, am here, a 5+ year ileostomy patient. I was with my wife for 34 years; she dealt with all the sickness and time at the doctor's, and then going under the knife. I am healthy and strong, which helped me take care of her in her last years. You see, she died 2 years ago. So now, I too am looking for someone to spend time with. I have chatted with girls on here and talked to some on the phone and Facebook. I try to be upfront and put it all on the table, and if they just want to read the cover of the book, then they never know how the story is going to end. I think if someone likes your photo and how you sound, what you say and do, the ostomy (any ostomy), or any other health cares that come up in life should not matter. I would have cared for my wife for the rest of my life; she was part of my heart, and I died a little with her. I would love to fill the hole we all feel when someone quits on us, or dies, or turns away because we had our lives saved. Sorry to all for the rambling, but it is how I feel. Best wishes to you and all the best in finding someone to hold. Charles.

I appreciate everyone's comments. I am very sorry for your loss, Charles, it sounds like you had that special bond most hope for. No need to apologize at all. Well anyway, the gentleman I referred to in my initial post is no longer in the picture; he months ago decided to see someone more locally to him, no surprise I guess. I've since started college, and between taking care of my son, my own health, and homework, I really don't have time for a relationship right now anyway. If a friendship should happen, wonderful, but for now I'm in that holding pattern. I hope this posting finds everyone in a good place. :)

Hi Autumn, it sounds like you are in a much better place than you were before. Things have moved on for me and I am now seeing a fellow ileostomist I met online. He lives a few hours away but we see each other once a month and it's great not having to explain everything. It's still only early days so we will see how it goes, but I have to say it has made me a lot more confident about the future. xx

Where online did you meet him? I'm still reluctant to even try to date, it's just too awkward to broach the subject. It would be nice to just get it out of the way.

autumndreamr, there is a section on this site for those interested in dating. Try that and see what you think. I met one man on this site and we talked for a bit on the phone. It was nice that neither of us had to even consider the obvious but we just didn't seem to clique. Well, I wasn't interested to be honest. That was a pretty amazing feeling. He was a nice man but it just proved to me that just because each had a major thing in common, it takes lots more to make a match!

autumndreamr, I met him on Ostodate site. We talked on line for a while and found we had loads in common (not just the bag). I also made some lovely friends on the site from all over the world. Its not for everyone but it worked for me xx

Thanks, I'll try that.

It depends on how we look at this condition; it is very personal and the experiences vary from person to person. I would say there is no need or obligation to share with anyone. Other people also may have things they do not want you to know; they are personal and in time you find out, one way or another. Feeling confident and a belief that you are worth it and have a lot to offer helps overcoming these feelings. I felt like that for years, until things changed and suddenly regained my confidence. It is hard to find kindness, compassion, good conversation, fun hobbies, sincerity, and peacefulness, anyone would want to be with someone with those qualities for anything in the world. If you have these qualities, you're gold.