When to Tell a New Partner About My Cancer and Urostomy Bag?

I've been single for 2 years, since my boyfriend left early in my journey with bladder cancer. I have stage 4 currently managed by immunotherapy, but every 3 months I hold my breath while the PET scan is read. It is an aggressive variant and generally the prognosis is poor. I feel I'm living on borrowed time but want to enjoy as much as I can.

I have a urostomy bag and the upper portion of my vagina had to be removed - shortened. Sex would be painful/impossible.

A man I'd met at a social group connected with me and we really hit it off. I've been smiling every time I think of him. Of course, I'll need to tell him about my situation. How did you all handle a similar situation?

There is a thread on this topic. Take a look and you will see a wide range of answers.

The "when" to tell someone depends on how things are going. Timing. I'd rather find out more about that potential partner than reveal anything myself. It shouldn't be about you. This other person is not perfect. A past? A habit? Skeletons? Hmm? Medical?

Just my 2 cents' worth.

It's a lot to do about chemistry, too.

If it's a solid relationship, nothing else matters. Love should conquer all.

Good luck.

If it were me, I'd tell the guy today and see what happens. If you are living on borrowed time, why waste another minute? Life is short and time is the most valuable thing we have.

Keep it simple with what you say. You can go into more detail later on when he asks, and the sooner you tell them, the better. In my view, I've always been upfront and never had a problem. With your health problems, if he doesn't already know, it's better to be honest and upfront from the start. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Very few run screaming when you tell them, but if they do, it wasn't meant to be.

One life, live it. I'm sure no one knows that more than you. Keep on fighting.

I talked with this gentleman on the phone today. It turned into a 2-hour convo with nothing held back on either side. We have a second date tonight. Even if this doesn't turn into a long-term relationship, I am glad I ventured to show vulnerability. Probably one of the braver things I've done on this journey.

Living with Your Ostomy | Hollister

Good for you. Either way it goes, you'll be better off and have more time for whatever happens.

That scourge can be beaten, especially with immunotherapy. A good friend did just that with advanced lung cancer. Some others as well. Keep fighting, you will beat it. Hopefully, you will meet the right person soon, looks like you already have. All the best wishes from a faraway land.

Good for you, jump in with both feet.

(With appropriate caution, of course.)

🍹🍾🥂🎉

I'm really happy for you. I hope all goes well, but if nothing else, you can always have just a best friend and him be safe and hugs.

(Theme from Jaws plays)...

It's been a few days... nail biters unite. 😳

Well, that went well. I was matter-of-fact in telling him, and he was matter-of-fact in his questions and acceptance of my situation. I'm impressed he even went online in the following days to educate himself. The worst part of our cuddling on my couch was that he is allergic to cats, and I have two who kept insisting on hanging out with us. Life is good.

See, it's not that difficult. It's too bad most are too scared to even try and date.

I'm not good at managing this app, but wanted to share an update - I've gone into remission. I read that this is relatively rare and likely short-lived for Stage 4 bladder cancer, but I'm going to keep on doing what I have been and hold hope for the best outcome. 

Welcome back. Good to hear from you. It's good news you reached remission. Don't dwell on the negatives. Day by day, kiddo.

Did things work out with that guy you met 4 months ago? Hope so. Nice having that around.

I am very pleased to hear your good news, River. I sincerely hope you get all that you wish for. x