Impact of Medical Devices on Intimacy and Relationships

Has anyone else's relationship ended and the sex immediately stopped after getting the bag? I'm thankful for it saving my life, but it has made me depressed since, and now my wife won't even touch me at all, making it worse. I've tried talking to her and suggesting a few things, but it just ends up in an argument. I just don't know what to do anymore. So over this.

There's always divorce and then finding someone that accepts you for you. Life's too short to be in a miserable marriage.

You are not alone. My wife still thinks I should not have had a colectomy. I know there is a lady out there who could appreciate me as I am. When I ask to talk about our relationship, it consistently ends in an argument. Then the status quo continues. I am not sure that I have the energy to go through a divorce again. There are choices: 1) Improve your relationship, 1:1 discussions, counseling? 2) Divorce or have an affair 3) Continue the status quo if you can stand it 4) This one is not a good one since there certainly is someone out there who would appreciate you.

Beep beep beep... let's back up a bit before driving into divorce court. For some, that may be an easy solution... for others, not so easy. Think real hard about the results you want and if you can afford the pros and cons of settlement. It will take at least 1 year if you're lucky to divorce her and a few big bucks too.

This topic has been discussed before, and you should take a peek at the replies.

@Dennis, is she totally repulsed at you now? How long have you been married?

If she decides to close down communication, or counseling, just turns you off... tunes you out, then fudge that noise, brother.

But for the sake of a successful marriage, try opening her up.

The more I hear about marriages ending up in the toilet, the more I feel "in sickness and in health" needs further definition. Perhaps a footnote or two.🤔

I hope your wife just needs time to accept the change as we all have. Maybe once you begin to accept it and become more confident with it, your wife may also become more comfortable with it. With or without a bag, sex talks are difficult to end without an argument but possible if both people want to find a solution that makes them both happy (been there, done that). If you haven't already, you can try just having a conversation about how you both feel about your surgery, without discussing intimacy. Let her know she can share her thoughts and she doesn't have to worry about upsetting you or offending you, and vice versa. Maybe that'll help you both understand where each other's thoughts are towards one another a little better.

How to Manage Emotions with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

How long has it been since your surgery? I can't gather from your post if she is willing to go to counseling to talk out this issue. In my opinion, if you can get her talking about it, that will make a difference.

Wow, that sure is a bitter pill to swallow, Russ.

The whole marriage thing does get put to the test when one of the partners becomes ill or physically altered. The alteration to our body doesn't just affect our husband or wife looking at us from the outside - it affects ourselves internally even more.

In my case, it was the opposite. My husband still treated me exactly the same way as before my ileostomy. He was loving, warm, and affectionate at every turn. He would constantly demonstrate his feelings of love and determination that this would not affect our intimacy, either physically or emotionally.

I was the roadblock. It took me forever to feel even slightly sexy or attractive anymore. I lost my playfulness and enjoyment of even a hug or kiss because I didn't feel anything. Nothing. I was completely shut down emotionally and physically and extremely suspicious that he was only acting the part as a dutiful husband. I did not believe his words of love and commitment.

Gradually, though, I did start to trust his sincerity, and our relationship began to improve to the point where I hardly noticed a difference anymore. We were back on track and now we are more solid (and intimate) than ever.

I honestly can't understand individuals such as your wife, who already know that the surgery was not by choice and it was not your fault. And to reject someone like that makes me wonder if they even loved you in the first place. I mean really loved "you," not just your physical exterior.

You need to have a serious talk with her ... again. You don't deserve this, and you sure as hell don't deserve living the rest of your God-given life in such a miserable and lonely state.

M

xo

 

 

 

 

I have to agree with Marjatta, I was the one in my relationship that had the problem. I will admit that when I saw the way my wife looked at my ostomy in the hospital and struggled, I made every effort to conceal it from her. As it turned out, she didn't have nearly the issue with it that I did. I made it a problem and created a divide that was unbridgeable. You are who you are, and no matter the physical change... you remain the same. You can get through this!

My wife has just left me, 4 years after my colostomy. We didn't have sex for those 4 years, and then I tried to get the marriage going again. We made love for the first time in 4 years, and then 2 weeks later, she said she didn't like me anymore and was leaving me. This was in March, and she left last month. Marriage vows do not really mean anything anymore. I'm a 55-year-old male, so I think that is it for me, and there is no hope of another relationship.

She waited until I was at my lowest, and I had to give up work due to my parastomal hernia, and also after I had brought up her daughter from a previous relationship.

I think most relationships are somewhat transactional, but it seems mine was completely transactional.

We know that 80% of divorces are instigated by women, so I think a woman with a stoma might have a completely different experience than a man with a stoma.

There is nothing we can do about it, my friend, except suck it up with a good bit of stoicism.

The only thing I wanted from her was someone to take me to the hospital when my hernia finally ruptures, and it seems that was too much.

At least there is a lot less drama in the house now.

If the only thing you wanted was a ride to the hospital from her, you have way more issues going on. 

I never put any restrictions on her. She never paid any bills, and I bought the house. She spent all her money on herself. She could go out and do whatever she wanted to. She never did any housework or cooked.

I fail to see what else I could have done to accommodate her other than not get sick.

Hello, I've been reading all these posts about rejection and wonder why people feel that the only way to live is by being with a partner. I've been divorced for 37 years and have been in several relationships. I was the one who ended these. I've been single for 5+ years and have never been happier. My self-esteem is so much better, including my Crohn's disease. No more worries about what I look like and if I'm enough. I choose not to be intimate, and it's a huge stress off my back. I now enjoy life with my family and friends who make me feel good about myself, and at the end of the day, I go to sleep happy and content. Don't let someone else chip away at your self-esteem. Life is too short, and you're so much better than that!!

Sounds more like you were roommates than in a relationship, that might have been an issue. 🤷‍♂️

I'm pretty sure this was the case. A leeching, parasitical, entitled, and lazy roommate lol.

She took so long to leave because of the guilt of leaving someone who was ill. My friend says she was not malicious, but that there was zero self-reflection or introspection on her part.

I think she checked out when I had my op and got the bag 4 years ago.

Having said all that and for the benefit of Russ, I think it is pretty normal, but we don't talk about it.

I believe that this happens to lots of ex-servicemen who come back disabled.

We've just got to suck it up and you will become much more mentally strong.

I always ask myself the question of how people in different times over the last 2000 years reacted to adversity.

When you think about this, it grounds you and you feel more at peace.

You also realize that society and most of the people in it have strayed very much from normality.

It is the madness of crowds, and it is normal throughout human history.

The lack of morality and vow adherence is because there is no shame in these modern days, but it will change and the pendulum will swing back.

My biggest issue with my wife is that she abandoned me when I was at my lowest. The only thing I NEEDED from her was to take me to the hospital.

However, I wouldn't take her back. She was an awful wife, and now she is gone, friends and family tell me how much they disliked her.

She is now the star of her own movie.

For myself and any new relationships?

Right now, "the juice ain't worth the squeeze."

You will cope, Russ. You will become stronger.

Perhaps you gave her too much of a good thing? Sometimes you think you know a person.

I dated my ex ten years.

Married her.

Within five years, divorced.

She was an introvert.

Never gave me a clue in those ten years we dated.

Fifteen years!! A massive waste of time. You just don't know or see it, man.

 

Sorry this happened to you, but you learned an important life lesson. Men marry for love, while women marry for security, both financial and physical. I'm not a misogynist. That's just the way things are.

It's okay to be involved in another relationship, just don't marry.