Intimacy Struggles After Surgery: Seeking Support and Understanding

So I spent the night with my significant other last night.

It was the first time since my surgery 12 days ago.

There was no pressure on me, and she has been so supportive. We became intimate, and I felt ashamed. I haven't felt like this so far, but the idea of my bag (in those circumstances) made me feel gross. Nothing further happened, and like I said, she has been nothing but supportive.

Then, afterwards, when I was drifting off to sleep next to her, I turned away from her, sleeping with my back to her and wearing a t-shirt to sleep in.

Totally embarrassed by the whole thing, tbf.

Hi Jtad163,

Although I have had my ileostomy for 28 years, I still tend to struggle with self-esteem; however, my husband has always been very supportive and encouraging.
I think it's fairly normal to be self-conscious about having a bag.
I have been married for 30 years, and often it's not my bag that is the biggest issue when it comes to intimacy, but pain—as I suffer from both acute and chronic pain.
Don't be ashamed; you're going through a time of adjustment, as is your significant other. It has only been a very short time since you had your surgery, and it does take some time to become adjusted to your new way of life.

Here are some websites that may be helpful:

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/managing-cancer/treatment-types/surgery/ostomies/stomas-or-ostomies/sex.html

https://www.clinimed.co.uk/stoma-care/living-with-a-stoma/sex-intimacy-and-relationships/

https://www.oakmed.co.uk/advice-centre/articles/mental-health/

https://www.oakmed.co.uk/advice-centre/articles/sex-relationships/



All the best,

Gracie

Welcome jtad163!

I too have felt this way. I took the advice of getting a swim wrap from https://ostomysecrets.com.

Many of us wear them during the day and night. They help keep things from getting in the way. Get a couple of them!

Keep reminding yourself, you're still alive! She's by your side. You are blessed!

Welcome. Your significant other sounds like a keeper, dude. Don't blow it. We are our own worst enemy.

It's you. You gotta just wait and be patient. In time, the shirt will come off. And you two will be face to face. The thing is, with her by your side, this journey is much easier. Don't blow it, as I say. Face the issues head on, and there's nothing wrong with feeling a bit vulnerable. Ask her to hold you from behind like you would her, yet you turned away. This time, explain why. Move on. You guys are young. You got this.

I wear a Confizz support vest during intimate times. I even wear it when I am out on social outings. It is a bit expensive for me, but it has been well worth the investment.

Depending on the maker of your barrier/wafer/flange, you can also wear a small 6" closed-end pouch — one of the advantages of a 2-piece appliance is you can switch to a different size/type of pouch without changing the entire appliance.

https://comfizz.com/collections/tops/products/comfizz-vest-level-1-support-mens

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Just get yourself an elastic waistband, think boob tube, and let rip; don't punish yourself.

Warrior, do you know what happened to Daniel? I learned a lot about ileostomies from him — I miss his wisdom.

Mosey mouse? Idk.. he too disappeared. Give him a shout.. he might get a notification.

This is one reason I hoped 2025 could bring members closer - a phone or email network. It could happen.

Small steps, I guess.

Him.. shamrock and Hisbiscus..

Poof! Vanished. Send him a post. I'm sure he will reply.

Hi and welcome. You've come to the right site on this very new life journey that you are on. Very sound advice from people in the know. Don't let having a stoma, wearing a pouch define whom you are. Ostomy Secrets - wraps for men is worth checking out. Go and enjoy. You've got this 🌈👍

G-Day jtad163,

I totally agree with Warrior; you have a keeper if she was okay with everything. It's you that has to make sure you don't turn her away.

Get a T-shirt or a good one is what the ladies call a Boob Tube. Cover up, then go for it, but don't turn her off.

Regards, IGGIE

It's hard to feel attractive with the bag, but my husband doesn't care. If your significant other is patient and cares, focus on that. Not that you have the bag. And get something like what's suggested here to help you. I use a stealth belt.

I have wondered where he is as well. I reached out to him with a private message, but got no reply. I miss him too.

Terry

Can you still perform? If so, dump the "ashamed" and "embarrassed" feelings. This is your significant other. Don't push them away.

Wear a tube top or other wrap. Put a shirt over it if you'll feel better. Hollister Corp. makes small capacity bags perfect for intimacy.

I can't "get it up" anymore. And even if I could, radiation therapy ruined all the plumbing. My wife doesn't care. An occasional hug or caress, and she's good.

You're alive. You get a second chance. I would be taking a long dirt nap if I didn't get my colostomy. I prefer to be above terra firma.

Hang in there. It gets easier.

Hi jtad, give yourself some grace; you just had surgery 12 days ago. Once your physical healing is done, you may feel different. Try not to compare yourself to who you were pre-surgery. It's early for you; hopefully, this gets easier with time. All of us on here have gone through this process, and most who are commenting now are way past where you are now. We have a lot of advice for when you're healed, how to feel better about yourself (you are way more than your ostomy), and what to wear (lots of products for men and women). Your gal sounds like a keeper - she clearly loves you for who YOU are.

Very well put and correct.