For those of you who don't know me from MeetAnOstomate world! Lol, my name is ~traci~ and I have Crohn's disease, I'm a diabetic, have arthritis, and have suffered from depression for 30 long agonizing years. I'm proud to say that I have had a permanent ileostomy for 20 years! It was my choice to have the surgery at the age of 22 years old! Good thing I did because I was deathly ill, on a respirator, and had an abdominal zipper put in my tummy to go in and out of surgery every day because an abscess the size of a grapefruit broke inside! I was married at the time and had a beautiful baby girl! Loving supportive family to get me through the long days, months, and finally a year later after learning to walk again, I was sent home to resume my normal life! The problem with that was... that moment in time in the hospital, almost dying, changed me as a person and I was lost! Believe it or not, I feel like that 22-year-old scared girl! Back then, I was a fighter; I had the spark to live and thrive! I was excited again about life... but I was still struggling with pain, loss, grieving for my body, and depression really started to hit hard! Other people fighting over who will raise my baby, the stress of not being able to be the mother I wanted to be, or the wife I should have been! I never talked about how I was feeling! Over the years, I got more and more dependent on my pain medication. I found if I took the little white pill, all the problems just went away! My house was a disaster, I was so embarrassed, I didn't take care of myself, I didn't bathe, or even change my clothes! I could see the desperation of my family and friends to be involved with me in their lives. I pushed them away... all of them! A wonderful, caring, loving husband, friends, and most of my family except my parents and brother who never ever gave up on me! Then when things couldn't get any worse with my Crohn's and feeding tubes, TPN, IV at home! I met a wonderful man, whom I adored... the problem is for the last two years I have gone back to my old ways and the depression is worse! I'm scared to leave the house, I can't get out of bed, I can't do anything and he's not prepared to stay anymore to watch me give up and roll over! I made promise after promise that I would do better and get help but... I thought things would get better again! Last week I went into the ER room after a fight when he told me that he's finished! In a way, I don't blame him; abandonment hurts and no communication for two years! I don't know how we did it for so long! I'm getting counseling now for my depression and anxiety panic disorder! Even though the help came from desperation, I'm glad I'm finally going to talk about the trauma I went through with Crohn's at a young age! It feels good to know you have a plan and if I follow it, maybe I won't be that little scared mama at age 22! Maybe I will find out who I am as a person now and understand why I let every dream that has come true walk right by because I'm scared to fail, or get sick! A couple of other major things happening in my life is my daughter Samantha, now 22 years old, has moved away from home to school 2 hours away! I think my heart still breaks when I talk about it! But I am so very proud of her, more than words can say! The only thing that keeps me holding on is the thought of sharing my love with her and one day her family, marriage, homes, career, babies can't wait! Another amazing thing that has happened to me is I have become an advocate for Crohn's and Colitis Disease and everything related to IBD and ostomies and pouches! My hard work pays me back millions of times over! I love to speak about my life with Crohn's and an ileostomy! Young and old, we still feel the same emotions and pain! I love to help people with their problems! I could do this full time if I could! AND I COULD... BUT WHAT'S STOPPING ME? It's so complicated, I'm scared to try this on my own without a partner to support me? Am I just scared because I don't know who I am? I've never been alone before and at 42! One thing I know for sure, I need to get my stress under control and fast! I'm 105 pounds and can't keep anything down! I go see my doctor tomorrow and I'm sure I'll be back on tube feeding! Yay for me, not! Wish me luck! Lol sorry this is so long, I just needed to talk to someone! I needed an old friend to come back to! And since I don't have any real live friends, I decided to go where I felt safe before this all started happening again! I needed friends who understand... SO I CAME HOME TO YOU GUYS AND GALS AT MEETANOSTOMATE! Thank you so much for your ear because I give you my heart! Please feel free to check out my profile and write me! I love to talk to you and get to know you better! I'm just so happy to be back!
Hi Traci, you look great! Lovely pictures. I have had mine for over 30 years and have traveled all over the world. It's good that you love to travel as it broadens the mind, and you get to experience some absolutely great things and see how other people cope with far less than we have.
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