Dating with a bag - possible or not?

Hi. Just wanted to ask people, is it really possible to date when you have a bag? From things I have read on this
site, the answer is no. People say it's either too hard to tell people about the bag or they run for the hills once they find out. Don't get the wrong idea. I myself cannot think of dating again. I am having a hard time dealing with my own bag. But I wonder what other people think.

Hi Pammer ~ Some words have so much associated with them that it's sometimes better not to use them. For me, "dating" is one of those words. I have female friends that I do diverse things with, but I would never call it dating even though it may look like that to someone else. Some of my female friends are intrigued by my ostomy and have asked to see it, while others get squeamish if I even mention it and will assertively say, "Don't talk about that!

Errrr, is that a typo there? Shouldn't that read "I have female friends I do perverse things with"? ........

I am really surprised at how many people say they would love to talk to anyone. Well, I have written to people, tried to make conversation, and not one reply. Sorry, that's not true. One person wrote back. I am very disappointed in this Ostomate group. I signed up to talk with people, but I guess I was wrong. Have a great day.

Hi. I am new to this site as it's been 18 days since my surgery. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do. But please give it another chance. People I have met in the general chat room have been great. Tips and support. Try the chat room.

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Errrr, is that a typo three?? Shouldn't that read "I have female friends I do perverse things with"? ........        

Now that comment made me laugh mmsh, yes it did — that's the power of one consonant and one vowel.

Hi liberty238. How are you today? I hope that all is well with you. I understand how you feel. I have also tried to correspond with people, and to my surprise, no response. I don't know if it is because most people are free members or if they just don't like to meet someone. I read all the time that people are interested in speaking with someone about the ostomate world or just looking for friends/relationships. I have been looking for a possible companion for a while with no luck! Oh well, that is a different story. If you would like to talk, just write me and I will write you back. I am a free member, so I cannot initiate the first contact. I am planning to become a member soon though. Trying to catch up on some bills first. Take care, Chris

Hi Pam, I hope all is well with you. I can say that it is possible to date with an ostomy, even though it might take a while to find someone who is accepting of it. I have a feeling that was one thing that could have been an issue in my past marriage. I was married for 24 years and it took a toll on it, and I really can't blame her for feeling that way. I have to look at the overall picture. We have a tendency to think about how we feel instead of thinking about how someone else may feel about it! Sure, having a bag does put a damper on things and we are at a disadvantage, but it is not the end of the world. Smile.. I have found that I have female friends but none who would like to be with me. My sex life has taken a dive for now, but I am sure that I will find someone eventually. I look all the time on this site. As for dealing with it, I am sure everyone has a difficult time at some point. I know that I struggle with it from time to time... We have to keep a positive attitude no matter how tough things are going. It really does test one's strength, but you have to keep going the best way that you can!!! If you need someone to talk to, I will be more than happy to correspond with you. You have to write me first though, okay? Take care, Chris

It's very sad that some people can be so shallow. But there are people out there who are extremely understanding and aren't put off by anything... You've just got to weed them out and work out the ones that you have time for. Frankly, if you having a stoma makes them walk away then you are better off without them.

My boyfriend had an advantage in that we'd been together for 2.5 years before he got his ileostomy. For me, it was never an issue; it was only when my boyfriend came round from his operation that I was a bit scared of looking at his stoma, but I soon got over that and it's part of my life as well as his.

I do understand that dating must be daunting, but I'd say that if you meet someone you like and you feel comfortable enough to tell them, then you might have to give them some time to assimilate the information you've given them. I'd hope that most people wouldn't be put off if they care for you enough, but as I said previously, anyone who has an issue is not worth worrying about!

It's too bad that people choose not to respond. But rather than being shallow, it may well be that they are very unsure and uncertain as to how to respond. Not everyone has to have the gift of gab, and some people may be afraid to put their foot in their mouth.

In any case, when sent an email, it is only appropriate to respond. If nothing else, acknowledge the message, and one can always state that right now is not a good time. This at least provides the sender with some acknowledgement.

I think I have always responded unless, of course, the sender has blocked me.

Ed

I believe this is closer to the truth, most people given a chance will respond, however there is always, on any public forum, a certain percentage that choose to remain silent and just content themselves reading about other people putting their feet in their mouths.

A classic example is the general chat on here, while it's always available to everyone, the "regular" chatters comprise a very small (perhaps 10%) percent of the general membership.

Just to clarify, I was responding to Pammer's original post about dating in general. I wouldn't call anyone on this site shallow; surely we're all here for a reason... To help each other!

The people I refer to as "shallow" are those that date someone, like them, and then walk away and are never heard from again once they find out that their date might have to do things a bit differently. Not cool!

Hi rach1987. I totally agree with everything that you said!!! Like I mentioned in my reply, for some people it might take some time to get used to, if they do at all. If you like someone and the other person is into you and they find out you have a bag, then walk away, that's just wrong. You are still the same person you were when they didn't know you had one. I can't stand shallowness!! To me, if they walk away after they find out, then you are better off without them! As ostomates, we have enough to worry about and we don't need the added pressure of rejection.

As they say, women are from Venus and men are from Mars.
This is reflected in the way we communicate. Men tend to be more direct, and the way they write will indicate whether or not a response is indicated, whereas a woman tends to be more circumspect. While a response would be expected, the communication may not indicate that this is so.
OK, other foot in mouth.
Maybe instead of saying how nice the weather is, pose it as a question: "What do you think of the weather?" This puts the onus on the receiver to respond. But then again, the receiver may well be shallow, checks the profile, and ignores the communication.
.
Since I now may have both feet in mouth, I'll stop while I'm behind.
OK, MMSH, Gutenberg, Primeboy, etc. etc., help me out here.
Ed

What are you on about?

Hi Pammer. Usually I am on and off all day. If you would like to chat, I will be on around 11:00 my time. Hopefully, that will be a good time for you too. Talk to you soon. Take care...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y_-vsHvPBE

Perhaps this will explain things ed...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y_-vsHvPBE

Now the problem: who is me?
Do I walk home or pass out on her bed?
Thanks MMSH. I knew you'd come through.
Ed

Pammer, of course you can date. I had my ostomy when I was 12 years old. I have dated, lived with men, and in general lived a normal sex life. I never tell a new man about my ostomy until I know he is someone I trust enough to sleep with. Over the last 50 years, the response has been varied. Most men are afraid they will "hurt" your ostomy somehow. Once they are assured they cannot hurt it, things seem to progress nicely. Of course, sometimes the topic could come up in conversation - before intimacy - then it is a good time to talk. Don't be afraid. If someone rejects you because you have an ostomy, he is not worth your time. Good luck.

That really was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
Loretta

Ok, I read this and had to comment. I got my first ostomy at 28 and was dating. Yes, I was not secure and didn't know what to say, but I did not have an issue finding people to date or be intimate with. I never really brought it up, and they either didn't notice or didn't care, so don't think about it. If they comment or run, then they're not worth your time!! My now husband was the only one I sat down and told. When we were dating, I showed him and told him, "I understand if you don't call me again. I leave it up to you." The next day, we made dinner plans and 8 months later, he proposed!! Now, 6 years together and he says he doesn't even notice it... Moral of the story: the good ones won't care about the physical if they like you! I know it's hard to look at yourself. I still have days I think I'm disgusting, but it was this or death. Feel free to write me if anyone wants to chat!

Be well

Of course it's possible. In reading what you wrote, one problem may be that you say you're having a hard time accepting your bag. Attitude is everything! Learn to love what you have, be grateful your health has been restored, and that alone will make you more attractive. I don't tell anyone about my ostomy until I decide if I like them well enough to share the info. And, by the way, how many people do you know in your age group without some health issue? Don't be so hard on yourself. The rest will follow!

Joyce

Hi Pammer,
To answer your question, is it really possible to date when you have a bag? Yes, yes, yes, it is ABSOLUTELY possible. I left my first husband 6 years after my ileostomy surgery. He begged me to stay, but I divorced him for reasons unrelated to my ileostomy. Well, then I was on a mission, I guess you could say, to prove a point to myself that I was attractive and sexually desirable even though I had an ileostomy. I dated many men and never told them about my ileostomy. They didn't know about it until we had sex, and it did not make any difference to them, I swear. Each and every single one of them continued to date me for a long time, enjoying wonderful sex! For 6 years, I never had a man that didn't want to be with me sexually because of my ostomy, and that included, let's see, Mark, Rudy, Jesse, Ralph, Gary, Pete, Eddie, Bob, Walt, Jeff, Joe, Steve, Darren, Chip, Frank. I am not proud that I had so many relationships with good or great sex, but it just happened that way. I was the one that ended them because I wanted love and marriage, and I simply didn't love them. It was purely physical attraction until I met my second husband and fell in love. You may be thinking I am beautiful or hot or sexy, but honestly, I am an average woman. You have to be confident in who you are on the inside and not let your ostomy define who you are. Trust me, if you feel well and healthy, there are many ways to be sexy and attractive to the men you date. You evidently have only read the negative side of dating on this site. Don't let those people discourage you. Sure, I feel self-conscious and inhibited sometimes, but you can overcome it and laugh and enjoy sex. If a person has a problem with your ostomy, then they are only superficial and are not true loving, caring people. Be thankful for what the ostomy did for your health and enjoy this short life!

Hi Pammer,
To answer your question, is it really possible to date when you have a bag? Yes, yes, yes, it is ABSOLUTELY possible. I left my first husband 6 years after my ileostomy surgery. He begged me to stay but I divorced him for reasons unrelated to my ileostomy. Well then, I was on a mission I guess you could say to prove a point to myself that I was attractive and sexually desirable even though I had an ileostomy. I dated many men and never told them about my ileostomy. They didn't know about it until we had sex and it did NOT make any difference to them, I swear. Each and every single one of them continued to date me for a long time enjoying wonderful sex! For 6 years, I NEVER had a man that didn't want to be with me sexually because of my ostomy and that included, let's see, Mark, Rudy, Jesse, Ralph, Gary, Pete, Eddie, Bob, Walt, Jeff, Joe, Steve, Darren, Chip, Frank. I am not proud that I had so many relationships with good or great sex but it just happened that way. I was the one that ended them because I wanted love and marriage and I simply didn't love them. It was purely physical attraction until I met my second husband and fell in love. You may be thinking I am beautiful or hot or sexy but honestly I am an average woman. You have to be confident in who you are on the inside and not let your ostomy define who you are. Trust me, if you feel well and healthy, there are many ways to be sexy and attractive to the men you date. You evidently have only read the negative side of dating on this site. Don't let those people discourage you. Sure, I feel self-conscious and inhibited sometimes but you can overcome it and laugh and enjoy sex. If a person has a problem with your ostomy, then they are only superficial and are not true loving, caring people. Be thankful for what the ostomy did for your health and enjoy this short life!

Pammer--I am so sorry that you were told that you wouldn't be able to find a man or have a normal sex life. Wherever you got this idea, erase it. I am 44 now and had a permanent ileostomy at age 40. Unfortunately, the long-term relationship I was in ended as I became sicker, but that was because a relationship that had always been focused on him now had to be focused on me, and that just didn't work. It was tough and felt like terrible timing and made me have many of the same worries you have, but that relationship would have gone down the tubes anyway. It was hard to learn when to tell someone about "my bag," but eventually I found that after a few dates as touching would start was a good time to have the conversation. I am a very, very honest person, and it was hard for me not to tell, and I found I would become much more self-conscious about my body until I told him. I wanted him to learn about it from me on my terms and not by stumbling across it or some other way. I generally take their hand, place it over my pouch, and say that I have something called Crohn's disease and in 2010 I had to have my large intestine removed in order to save my life. I say that I wanted to tell them to be honest and to make sure they were comfortable with it and answer any questions they may have. I make sure to say that it doesn't hurt me and shouldn't affect anything we may do physically. Every time I have done this, it has gone well. They may have a question or two mostly out of curiosity, but it tends to make us closer, and they often take that opportunity to tell me about their "baggage." I have never been rejected in any way, and it has never ended a relationship. I was soooo relieved the first couple of times I went through this process, and now I know it just isn't an issue. You have to be comfortable with it yourself or find a way to be. Play around with different lingerie that you feel good in. I like to wear normal sexy panties and often at first, I will wear a close-cut sexy tank top that covers the bag. That said, men usually say for me to show all my skin, show my entire body, and toss the tank top. I always wear an opaque pouch though. I don't care to look at my stool. Drives my doctors crazy though. I hope this helps. Please feel free to ask me anything you want. We need to stick together and decrease the learning curve for all the ostomates out there!

Hi. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I know I have a hard time believing that someone would be accepting of "my bag" as I am still only four weeks out of surgery and I am still trying to accept it myself. But who knows what the future holds. Thanks again. Pammer.

I remember a very experienced nurse telling me right after my surgery as we were changing my pouch for the first time, that the hardest moment will be showering for the first time. She was right. Looking down at my "mutilated body" was such a horrible experience and I remember thinking that no one is going to ever want me again. In reality, as with many things, we are our harshest critics. I hated showering for the longest time and I used to love it. Eventually, you come to integrate the pouch into your idea of who you are and you find yourself not thinking about it every minute. The best thing I did for myself was starting to date again. I put on a smile and got plenty in return, and when men were as attracted to me as ever, I realized I would be OK. I also make jokes about it now by saying things like, "I'm the only woman that can guarantee I won't fart on a date" (yes, the ostomy can make noises but I can't fart in the traditional sense, lol). Feel better Pammer!

I'm skeptical on this dating topic.... I've been seeing my partner for 6 months and although we both have our own homes and kids, we always made time, up until my operation. I was fortunate to know the date, etc., so I could try to prepare for it. Although he said he loves me and we can deal with it, 3 weeks after the operation, he has not stayed 1 night with me.... Work seems to be the excuse, and when he calls round for a few hours, he says it's nothing to do with my ostomy, but yet he has never asked to see it..... He doesn't cuddle me the same watching TV.... I really don't know what to think. I asked him if he wants other things (as a way out for him), but he says if he didn't want to be here, then believe him he wouldn't be! I'm so confused. While I don't know what to do, his distance has made me more paranoid and a bigger complex. So confused.com is definitely me.

Can't help you on the dating - never had to do it.
But
My observation is
If you were a miserable bastard before
You ain't gonna be any more cheerful now

There's a lot of ostomy sites on Facebook. I belong to 4 or 5 and a lot of great people who will help you out a lot. I haven't been on here in a long time. I have been having a lot of problems and been in the hospital a lot. Hope you all can find that special mate.