Dating with an Ostomy: Seeking Advice on Disclosure

Hi all

It's my first time posting here. I have had my ileostomy since I was 12 (29 now, so quite a long time), and obviously, I've had boyfriends and things have gone right and wrong, and I have been happy and sad like anyone else in this world. The thing is, I have always done things the same way... Meet someone and go on dates, sort of to make sure they would like me enough for when I told them about the ostomy.

I never realized I acted this way until this year when I met a super interesting guy and things got closer, so I had sex with him the same night... I had never done that before!! I felt "normal" for the first time and though I kept my shirt on so I wouldn't have to show him, I highly enjoyed that new experience!

What I wasn't expecting was that we have been in contact for months now since that happened (he lives abroad) until we talked about seeing each other again.... Now I am in a conflict because I feel like I need to tell him before we meet, as if I don't tell him, I'll be lying or tricking him into meeting me. But at the same time, thinking that makes it seem like he has the right to say he is not interested just because of the bag, so I can still meet and talk to him face to face...

I don't know if any of you have been in a similar position, but I would appreciate any advice to do things the best way for both me and my self-esteem and this great guy.

 

Thanks!!

Don't worry about it. Tell him so that it's out in the open. If he is meant for you, he will understand and not care.

I have to ask, just because I'm older doesn't mean I know everything, but how the hell does anyone have sex with anyone with or without a shirt and the other person's hands or lips or, well, whatever, just don't go in that area? I can understand how it could probably be avoided if the other person knew - but I just can't figure out how you can sneak it by someone - even in the heat of the moment. Especially in the heat of the moment. Sitting here remembering the times I've had sex; hands were all over me and mine all over him at some point in the process. I can't figure out how it's done, unless you had him tied up. You are not the only one that has posted this. But even if I was wearing a full body teddy, this thing would be felt at some point and probably seen to some extent.

But, as weewee said, don't worry about it. If it was me, I'd have probably asked him how it happened he didn't notice, or felt, or in my case, heard it; because mine makes a definite plastic baggie sound when it moves.

Hey, don't you just love the rustle of plastic baggies in the evening?

I guess if you aren't completely naked, the bag may go unseen (unfelt or unheard?), but even in a situation like a drunken shag or a quickie when partially clothed, surely at some stage there would be a hand or two in that general area?! Being taken from behind, perhaps no hands in the baggage area, then just the hips maybe... Funny, but I am totally losing my train of thought here (but it's certainly bringing back some interesting "before bag" memories!).

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Ah, memories... I know every time I see a live chicken and a weed eater, they just come rushing back.
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Omg mmsh, that goes beyond kinky to me.
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I don't know about you.
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Memories are pretty damn good though!

Isn't it the sexiest thing you've ever heard, vulcan?

All of you gave me a good laugh. Thanks!

Jo, you had me giggling the most. I can think of a couple of ways it's possible, but only after I've known the guy for a time and it involves binding. But unless it's in your own home where you have all the necessary items at hand, it would be impossible to achieve if you're in a "damn, you're so hot I just want to take you right here right now" situation. Nope, can't figure out how unless you're a strong enough woman you can clasp both wrists with one hand and keep them above his head so he can't touch or move his head to any place but where you let him. Still, there's the lovely sound...unless you're a screamer, then I suppose that could cover it. I think this will remain a mystery to me.

Ake, sorry to get sidetracked here. Can't help it though.
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I don't like to say the things most people do. Like if he's any kind of man he'll stick around, or if it's meant to be, etc. etc. It doesn't help you. But there really is no answer to this question that we have all asked or read before. All you can do is go for it and see what happens. If you are thinking of not telling him to make sure he comes to see you (my opinion) that's being manipulative. Again, my opinion: It's better to do it now than later, when you may have stronger feelings for him and he bolts after you tell him. (Not saying he will, just saying.) It will hurt more the longer you wait if he just can't handle it, obviously. I still have to wonder how he doesn't know already though. Plus, I wonder (just wondering I need no answers) what he may be hiding from you?

Hi... I don't know how you pulled it off, but I guess you didn't, thank goodness. I think that I would just ask him if he noticed anything and if not, tell him. If he is not interested, he is not worth it. But, I think I would go slower next time and not jump into it so fast again and try to get to know him. Maybe you might decide he is not someone you want to be with again anyway.

Good luck!
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