Dating Challenges: Cancer, Ostomies, or Herpes - Which is Tougher?

I think we are all in similar states. We are people, we are not our cancer, we are not our ostomy bag, and we are not our non-deadly little herpes virus that 75% of the people have, whether they know it or not.

I kind of rank cancer as the scariest subject and most downer subject.

Then my subtotal colostomy and diet

Then herpes. Figure if they get through the first two, that is good.

It's best to have the talk via text or email, or in a private location—a quiet coffee shop, a peaceful beach, etc.—to just get to know things about each other conversationally.

?

jazzygirl52, even though it is more difficult to do it in person, talking one on one privately would be the best option. Texts and emails can be misinterpreted because there is no emotional connection. Being able to take cues from each other's voice and body language should make it easier to know if they are okay or uncomfortable with the discussion. Even Skype, Facetime, or a phone conversation would be alright if you can't meet up.

Wondering this too. As my marriage comes to an end, I wonder about getting out and dating again and needing to bring this up. Cancer is the scariest subject to me as well, and then the colostomy. I am a 4-year survivor of recurrent ovarian cancer, which has horrible survival statistics. There's always the risk of our cancers coming back. It's also the lead-in to the colostomy discussion because I had that due to ovarian cancer complications.

Interested to see what others' experiences have been.

I definitely feel that the in-person, gentle talk is the best way. We have all been through things in life. My present partner watched his wife of 35 years die of stage 4 breast cancer. He was just happy that I have a spark in my eyes. I suspect that if I had breast cancer, that would not have been doable for him... quite understandable. But he has gained compassion in his journey and has no problem with my ostomy. I told him about it the first time we met in person and I saw there was a flame between us. I let him know that I had been through some tough medical issues, but that I was okay now. I placed his hand over my ostomy and asked him to notice it. I then explained what it was and how it saved my life. His only concern was not hurting me.

He has suggested super glue for leak issues... lol... Any relationship issues we have stumbled on have not been about my ostomy. I think it all depends on how you see yourself. That energy comes across, so be confident in your worth. If they can't handle it... it's not YOU they can't handle... Better to know.

This is such an important topic to share, especially with people new to life with an ostomy. I have had mine since I was 15...and that's more than 50 years ago. So I had to "show" and/or tell at so many different stages of my life. As a teen, everyone knew I had been sick, and the kind of surgery I'd had, so even when I dated...most of the guys kind of knew. But mores were a bit different then, and I didn't jump into bed, or get sexually active until I had my final surgery at 19. To be honest, I had more difficulty with my weight, stretch marks, and stretched-out skin (due to steroids) than I had with my actual ostomy. My self-esteem took a real hit during those teen years, but I always regarded my ostomy as my badge of survival, and so when I had to share the info...I did it openly and honestly. I ended up marrying a man with an ileostomy (met through the group I belonged to) but that didn't keep us together. We divorced after 24+ years of marriage. So I've been dating (again) for the last 20 years. I've revealed, so many times, and in so many different ways...and have found there is no one perfect way. I generally felt (since teen years) that if I wanted a guy's hands to go below my neck, then it was time to tell. That's worked well for me. I've been hurt and disappointed by some reactions throughout the years. One guy got up from the table, excused himself, and left the restaurant... I thought he was going to puke! Another guy I dated several times and thought he didn't have a problem with it...heard me "gurgle," and that was the end of that possibility. But the man I'm seeing now has absolutely no problem with my weight, my scars, or my ostomy... Such is life. I guess if we want someone in our lives, we have to take the risk and be vulnerable. It's been an adventure and gives one good insight into what is really important...to oneself, and to others.