Young Widow Considering Dating Again, Seeking Advice

I'm 35 and my husband of 12 years passed away. He loved me so much and he could care less about my ileostomy, but now I'm thinking about dating and I'm scared. I've always been self-conscious about my ileostomy and now it's worse. I don't get sick as often, but still. What have been everybody's experiences? When do you tell somebody about it? I usually tell people right away that I meet, but I was not dating then, lol.

Roseym,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems much more difficult to be with someone you love and not have to worry about what people think, and then having to start over can be tough. But even people without ostomies have to deal with the discomfort of getting to know someone new. I'm also sorry for the long post.

There are so many previous posts on this site with multiple opinions. I'll share what I've learned from myself and from other people and apologize in advance if it sounds like I'm talking out of my arse.

After my surgery at 23, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to date or be naked in front of another woman ever again without feeling like I was grossing them out. But I was confident, maybe even a little cocky. And I, like you, would tell people right away about my ileostomy. Having an ileostomy didn't stop me from being me.

Most of the time, I wasn't even trying to date a woman, more like meeting a woman at a bar or social function. And during the course of the conversation, I would bring up the fact that I'm an ostomate. I would make it a funny conversation along the lines of, "Oh, I had this surgery when I was 23, I have a scar from mid-chest to my groin and I don't shit like everyone else anymore." I honestly NEVER had a woman stop talking or associating with me because I had a bag. And dating or casual experiences were never an issue for me.

Now, that is my experience. From other posts I've seen here, men and women both have a lot of anxiety about dating with an ostomy. Some because they have problems with leakage, self-body image issues, or just feel gross, half a person, or broken. Others just have a problem with rejection.

I've also read that it is easier for a man with an ostomy to be accepted than it is for a woman, as women, not all of them, aren't always drawn to a man because of his looks. Opinions vary. Men, on the other hand, not all of them, are usually drawn to women who are attractive or aesthetically pleasing to the eye, first and foremost, and then later attracted to other qualities about a woman.

Again, this is my opinion or summarization from what I've read in the forums here, and my own personal experiences. Your own experience will depend on what you're looking for. Be it casual dating or if you're looking for a long-term relationship. You may have to get through a few bad apples before you find a person that is comfortable with it. Then again, another Mr. Right may be right around the corner.

Don't give up trying though. Put yourself out there. If you tell a potential date you have an ostomy and they are horrified, think in terms of, "Well, if he can't handle an ostomy, maybe he won't do well in a critical situation either or be a good provider, therefore, he isn't up to my standards." It may make your selection a bit easier and weed out the men from the mice. Then again, you'll probably have to deal with guys that just want to have a one-night stand, whether you have an ostomy or not. It depends on what YOU want. You only live once though.

I hope this long post helped you in some way or form. You've taken the first step to dating again. Be brave. And remember, we're all here for you if you should need us.

Bain

Hello Roseym. Thanks for your post and my condolences on your loss.

I just wanted to say that I appreciate Bain's reply as it portrays much of what I might have said if he had not writen it so eloquently.

Best wishes

Bill

Personally, I find it a daunting task to find a man! I turn and run the other way! Not sure how to get past this hurdle!

Bain and Bill are right on -- if you are nervous, it will show, and there is no need to be skittish. Thousands of people have ostomies, and it is not abnormal. It is what it is, and when you like yourself and accept yourself, as I am sure you do, then just forget it and go on being a good person. Date and enjoy. You don't discuss bathroom matters on dates, whether it is a stoma or not, so why bring it up...

If you had a missing finger or toe, false teeth, a scar, whatever... do you tell someone or worry about it? It is all the same, so go proud -- you chose life!

Once a person gets to know you and enjoy you, then a stoma should not be an issue. Also, I wear a stoma cover - mine is natural and blends with my skin, it holds the bag when I am in a dress or whatever and is sleek. Another layer of protection.

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Hi Roseym,

My name is Marsha, and like the others, I am so sorry for your loss. Be it through death or divorce, starting over is never easy. And age, be it younger or older, doesn't make it easier either.

I had my surgery when I was a teen (for ulcerative colitis), so I dated with my ostomy the first time around. After being sick (and home or hospitalized for 4 years), I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of my new & healthier life.

Bain made excellent points in his post. You have to know how you feel about yourself before you can decide about someone else. I knew, even back then (I'm 68 now), that if a boy/guy or even a girlfriend couldn't handle my ostomy, then he wasn't the one for me. It's my badge of survival.

I did marry (a man with an ostomy as it turns out), but that wasn't enough to hold us together. We did have two wonderful children, but divorced after 24 1/2 years of marriage.

Dating the second time around is both easier and more difficult than the first time. This time, I'm more aware of what I like and need in another person than I did as a kid of 20. Generally speaking, if I really like someone, and I think it's going to go "intimate," I tell about my surgery sooner rather than later. It makes a difference to some, and not at all to others. I'm okay either way, as it's just a first step.

You are a young woman, and you have a long life ahead of you. Dating the second time around gives you the opportunity to do things a bit differently than you did the first time, so try to put the anxiety and fear aside, and have a good time. You deserve it!

Best regards,

Marsha

Hi Roseym,

I was with my husband for 30 years and had only started considering dating before my surgery.

I am 64 years old and it's too funny to call it "dating" at my age, but I know I don't have to be alone and that is what you do to meet somebody, right?

I think that becoming attracted to someone should be a natural healthy response. The trouble with that is that I'm such a recluse I don't ever meet anyone who is a likely candidate to get to know better.

Honestly, before my surgery, I was afraid of being intimate because I have lost a lot of weight and have saggy skin. When I was dating as a teen, I was fearful because I thought I was fat. (Wish I knew then what I had going, lol.)

The point being that it's just plain scary, and add to that all the weirdos we might meet, no wonder I'm reclusive.

I have had my ostomy reversed but now have a checkerboard of scars across that same excess flab, so I think I will take it really slow and although the new morals take intimacy for granted, I don't intend to make any grand announcements but rather, take things slow and be sure of what I'm getting into.

Of course, I'm twice your age and don't have raging hormones anymore, so I'm sure it's easier for me to say, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

CharK63

P.S. However, I do remember what animal magnetism was like and that sure was a lot of fun! (Blush, blush)

I know where you're coming from, Roseym. Remember that he didn't care about it. You need to move towards that attitude as well. If you are uncomfortable, that will make others uncomfortable as well. As to when/if to tell them, I think that if you are thinking about getting intimate with them, that is when you tell them. But also tell them that it won't stop you, you can still be as intimate as any other person, just with a few accommodations... GeekyJen