When to disclose my ostomy to a potential partner?

I am a widow - I have been talking to a fantastic guy online. He is perfect. He wants to meet me - do I tell him I have an ileostomy before or after we meet face to face? I do not want to lose him at this point. Could some men tell me how they would like to learn this before or after face to face? Thanks.

I haven't had many successful long-term relationships, but most ended after the disclosure of the dreaded topic of my disfigurement. I figure the general public has image perception, whether it's weight, height, colors, or religion.

I've tried both open disclosure and the matter of fact, and surprise! If people have hang-ups, they're going to run for the hills or just resort to "let's be just friends," and some work, others not so much.

My feeling is that it's better to be upfront before emotions are assumed or expectations are high, as the shortfall is not as severe, but the landing is still painful.

Michael

I haven't had many successful long-term relationships, but most ended after the disclosure of the dreaded topic of my disfigurement. I figure the general public has image perception, whether it's weight, height, colors, or religion.

I've tried both open disclosure and the matter of fact, and surprise! If people have hang-ups, they're going to run for the hills or just resort to "let's be just friends," and some work, others not so much.

My feeling is that it's better to be upfront before emotions are assumed or expectations are high, as the shortfall is not as severe, but the landing is still painful.

Michael

Sooziq,

I've posted many times on this very subject. The gist of it is, most men are very visual creatures. And men aren't nearly as understanding as women are. I personally have never had an issue with letting a woman know I have an ileostomy. And I've never been rejected by a woman because of my ostomy. Maybe it's because I exude confidence or it's because I have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude.

I agree with Michael when he says be up front. The sooner he knows, the better, regardless of any feelings you have for him or he for you. You have a 50/50 chance that he's going to be a great guy and be understanding, or he could turn out to be a shallow prick. Whatever the case, consider your ileostomy an asshole detector. Kind of like the door test in the movie, "A Bronx Tale". Just to refresh everyone's memory or for those of you that haven't seen it, see the quote from the movie below.

Sonny: "Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get out of the car, you lock both doors. Then, get out of the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, dump her."

Calogero: "Just like that?"

Sonny: "Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

You have no idea how many women have failed that test...lol. Of course with modern technology with auto locks and whatnot, it kinda takes the fun out of it.

I wish you luck with your suitor. The sooner he knows, the sooner you can either have a great relationship, or move on to the man you're supposed to be with. We only go around this crazy world one time. Why waste time dwelling on the what-ifs? Just my 2 cents.

Bain

I've always been open and told women straight away. It's never been a problem. Their first words are usually, "I won't jump up and down on your stomach." I always say, "You better, or I'm gone!" LOL. Use humor to make them feel relaxed and know that a stoma doesn't stop you from doing anything. They might not know much about ileostomies. If they run, and I don't expect they will, then it wasn't meant to be and they weren't good enough for you, with or without your ileostomy.

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Thank you. I really like this man online, and he wants to meet me. I just do not want to be a disappointment with the ostomy.

If he truly likes you and is attracted to you, the ostomy won't matter! Maybe try some lingerie also to spice it up!

Thanks! Yep, I just bought new things and a MyHeart cover-up for pouch. Thank you for your opinion. He sure seems like a great man.

Honesty is always the best policy, and if someone can't love you as you are then they really aren't worth the effort or heartache.

Hello,

I don't feel the announcement of your physical condition is a topic for a first or second date. If it goes further than that, then you can broach the subject by starting the story with your illness and then life-saving surgery. I have had numerous women in my life, and generally, the subject was either never discussed if after a few dates I felt it wasn't going anywhere or if I felt there was a connection being made, then I would bring it up, give a little backstory, discuss removal of my colon, and then the questions may come or not. I really feel this is a conversation after a little rapport is established and not an in-your-face discussion. Never be needy and maintain your self-confidence; that is key.

Hello,

I don't feel the announcement of your physical condition is a topic for a first or second date. If it goes further than that, then you can broach the subject by starting the story with your illness and then life-saving surgery. I have had numerous women in my life, and generally, the subject was either never discussed if after a few dates I felt it wasn't going anywhere or if I felt there was a connection being made, then I would bring it up, give a little backstory, discuss removal of my colon, and then the questions may come or not. I really feel this is a conversation after a little rapport is established and not an in-your-face discussion. Never be needy and maintain your self-confidence; that is key.

Bigboreddave,

Thank you for your reply. I figured we meet to see if we still click and go from there.

Soozie

Sooziq,

Good for you, take it slow and easy and then when it is the right time you will know it. I've had my ostomy since 1978 so I've experienced quite a bit and have been through all kinds of weather. Enjoy yourself and have fun, you're a great looking woman and deserve the best.

Bigboredave,

Aww, thanks! Sweet of you to say. Yes, I have had my ileostomy for 42 years! I forget I have it until the little shit tries to leak!! Have you lucked out and found a woman yet, if I may ask?

Sooziq

I have an ileostomy and I know this is hard to deal with. I would like to know up front if you have been talking online for a while, and if he cares, he will not mind or he may need more time. Good luck.

Pietrzak,

Thank you. Yes, we have been online for some time. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I believe honesty is the best policy. If the individual is scared away by the fact that you have a ileostomy, he was not meant for you. That's just my opinion.

I have a colostomy (Nov., 19, 2013), I have found out, it is better to be upfront and tell them. I have been dating since April of 2014 and only one time it was an issue for her. And yes, I did a bad number on my head. I am about to be in a relationship now and she is fully aware.

My thought process (after the one) is, if that is an issue for them, then my hygiene routine will also be an issue. Do not sacrifice your osteomyelitis health for the chance of meeting Mr. Right.

Best wishes for you and I hope whatever you decide, it is the right thing for you.

Hi Sooziq, I think the main thing here is to first totally check this guy out when you first meet as it is often the case that people are totally different in the flesh than they are online, your safety comes first before you even think of an intimate relationship. As for your ileostomy, if you want to take the relationship further after meeting this guy then I would just bring the subject up and let him know, if he's a shallow prick you will know straight away, but definitely bring the subject up before any real emotional connections start to develop.

Tony M

TonyM

I totally agree with you. I would not get intimate immediately. I need to see him in person and become friends, not just online friends. So far, he has been very nice to me and a gentleman. Oh, and I am older than him. He does not care. He also lost his wife 3 years ago, so he knows what I have been going through. Thanks for your opinion. That is along the lines I am thinking.

Soozi

I've tried both being upfront in an online profile and waiting until you know someone a little better. I'll be honest and tell you when it's in my profile, I get very little interest. But when I engage in an online conversation for a while and it looks like things may move along, I always tell them "Before this goes further, I have something to explain..." It seems that if I have established a decent base by then, I have a better chance of moving forward with this person.

Either way, it can be tough... no responses because you're upfront about it or having someone ghost you when you finally explain.

Good luck.

Hello Sooziq!

I would meet him publicly so he has an opportunity to see how I carry myself. That I'm clean and don't smell.

At the end of the date, I'd let him know that I'm an ostomate! If the date was nice, I'd let him know I enjoyed myself and hope we can do it again sometime.

Then go home! If he wants to see you again, he'll call.

Hi Sooziq,

I'm in the same boat you're in........just started online dating and constantly debating when to tell about my ostomy.....and my being short gutted, which makes my appeal even worse to those who like to be very active. I agree a lot with what Bain said. You have to remember that everyone you meet/date is different. Some guys will be jerks and you shouldn't care if they walk/run away. Others will be iffy and maybe (if you're lucky) one or two will be a keeper. I never get my hopes up too high with any one person because they seem to be making more and more single people every day, and if the one you're dealing with now isn't the "one" you'll forget him completely when you do meet the right guy. The way I look at it is like this.........if I didn't have an ostomy and I started dating someone who did have one.....would I care? Or if I started dating someone who had a family history of cancer and not living past 60.......would I run for the hills? Not if I thought I really loved her. People tend to confuse "like a real lot" with "love". The latter is supposed to be unconditional. If there's a condition that you can't deal with......it's not love. Back to that girl I'm dating with the ostomy........if I didn't get that "butterflies in my stomach feeling" when I was with her I'd probably end the relationship because I know I'm really wasting my time. Not because she has an ostomy, but because she's not really the one for me. I don't want to waste time dating and getting into a relationship with someone because it's convenient or because I'm lazy, I want to find the "one" I'll be with the rest of my life, not just a Saturday night every once in a while. So what I've been doing is waiting for a few dates to figure out if I really want to pursue a relationship with this person and give her a chance to do the same. If you're checking all his boxes, i.e., not a psycho, not self-centered or a diva, attractive to him, etc., etc., having an ostomy isn't going to make any difference to him. If you're not checking all his boxes it gives him a convenient (in his mind) reason to get the heck out of Dodge.......and you should be glad he does.

So bottom line....every guy will be different. Give each a chance to love you and see where it goes. If it's right then having an ostomy won't make a bit of difference because he's going to want to be with you no matter what. If when you tell him he runs for the hills he wasn't meant for you in the first place and you need to forget about him and focus on finding the right guy (who's out there looking for you). Life is way too short to sweat the big stuff.

;O)

Regards,

Bob

Bob, thanks. I have told him he is fine with it! Lucky me. We are seeing where this relationship goes. Do not want to rush into anything too fast. He is a really nice guy and a gentleman, a few years younger than me but he does not care about age. I really, really like him.