Adjusting to Life Without My Husband's Help with My Bag

I’ve gotten so used to my husband helping me with my bag and putting it on that I don’t know what I would do without his help if he were gone one day. I guess I would figure it out. I hate having a bag. It stresses me out so much. That’s just my rant for the day. 

For a variety of practical reasons, I would highly recommend that you start doing it yourself ASAP.  Once you get the hang of it, it's really no big deal.  It takes me just a few minutes when I change.  Of course, I've been doing it for sixty years, but there's really nothing to it.  You shouldn't let yourself become dependent upon your husband to be doing it for you.  

I can relate to your fear, I'm 6 wks post op today and need hubbie to help with changes due to the placement of my stoma. I do all the cleaning and kit prep myself he just needs to guide me with placement of the new bag.

My stoma nurse has suggested putting a finger in the middle of the window and using the mirror and touch to make sure that matches centre of stoma I just haven't built up the courage to try that yet.

I'm sure we will both manage it independently with time

Unless a person cannot physically do it themselves, I don't understand why a person wouldn't want to do it for themselves. 🤷‍♂️ A person is really going to stress out if they have to figure it out in an emergency situation.

I don’t even look thru the window thingy until I have it on or use a mirror. I just look at where it is as I put it on. I place the top part first and then press the bottom part. Then, I’ll look at it to make sure it’s positioned correctly and then press it down for a few minutes. If I really miss the mark I’ll put a new one on. If it’s close, it’s good. 👍

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Not all stomas are made the same, I suppose. Mine is in a low position and in a dip in my skin, as my tummy isn't flat, so for now, I need the support.

If you can put plaster on yourself or anyone else if they have a cut finger, etc., you can change a bag; it's just the same in principle. Clean and dry skin, apply plaster, but a bag in our case... If you're physically able to, it would do you good to start changing it yourself. Seeing and touching your stoma can go a long way in helping you learn to live with and accept it. It's not my thing, but some say giving their stoma a name helps them.

My point is that a person, if physically able, is going to have to change it themselves at some point. A person's significant other isn't always going to be there to do it. For example, your husband is at work or not at home, and you have a blowout and must change it. Are you going to just wait for him to get home while pooping however much all over the place, or are you going to attempt to change it yourself? And if you can figure it out in an emergency situation like that, with all the stress involved, why not learn to do it for yourself while you have the help of your husband there? I wasn't trying to put you specifically on the spot; it's just a general statement for everyone with an ostomy. I think of a bag change like this: a bag change is like wiping your butt pre-ostomy. Nobody did it for you before your ostomy, so why have someone do it for you now if you are capable of doing it yourself? Or at least I hope nobody had people wiping their butt before their ostomy. 🤔😁 Maybe I was doing it wrong for all those years. 🤷‍♂️😂

You can do it. It is not the end of the world if you don't get it perfect the first time. Put a stand-up mirror on your bathroom counter and angle it where you get a good view. Learn to do this before something should happen to your husband. You aren't going to hurt yourself.

Trust me, I want to get there, but I'm just trying to figure it all out as I can't see the stoma. It's all so new, but what I'm doing is working for me at the moment.

I think you are blowing this up in your mind, and making it into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.  You are a very young person, and it's totally unrealistic to expect your husband will always be there to change your appliance for you.  You just need to make up your mind, and do it.  It will increase your independence, and give your poor husband a break.  Once you get the hang of it, it will increase your confidence.  Don't expect to be a pro right away.  You can do this!

Terry

Well, what you're going to do... 😉

No one is grading how well your first few solo bag changes look, I swear. Take the pressure off yourself. What's the worst thing? No, seriously, what is the worst thing that will happen when you change it yourself?
Get your stuff set out and have your husband in the room if having him close by helps ease anything giving you angst and do it. Then again. And again.
This is part of your new normal, and if physically able, learning to take care of this new version of your body will give you more independence.
You're a woman. You got this. I know you do 😃

I’m not thrilled about having a bag either.  Who would be?  Changing it myself was daunting and stressful when I first did it without assistance from my partner.  However, it is getting easier and faster the more times I do it,  although I occasionally blow it and have to go back to square one.  I have gotten so much advice and help from the other ostomates on this site, especially those who have long term experience; they know what they’re talking about.  Believe me, if I can do it, just about anyone can!

Did the surgeon give you any practical or medical reason for such a poorly placed stoma?

I understand it's recessed, low, and in a dip, but that just seems like the wrong location for it.

What was he/she thinking, creating all this trouble for you? Can you explain?

Is there such a thing as a panoramic type of mirror that could help you with appliance change?

I need a lot of light and see this alien sticking out so clearly, I just eyeball align it... press and seal. That's, of course, if it's behaving and not enlarged like the Goodyear blimp.

You will get there in time. Doing it yourself... just wondering what the Dr. was thinking when he gave you it; that's causing you all this grief.

And we return to our original poster (O.P.) who has not explained why she can't do an appliance change.

What's she gonna do someday? Panic.

Is someone in need of help or support? I am here. However, I do not quite understand this post. Please respond. Thank you, Britt 💕

Someone was ranting... and someone else is managing a poorly located stoma.

No help is needed. Just advice. Go read the top post.

He hasn't given a reason just that he plans to reverse it at around 12 wks post op. I had major planned surgery and then 9 days later emergency surgery which left me with the stoma so I don't know if the urgency had something to do with it 

I'm using a magnifying shaving mirror when changing, but it's the bag placement that I can't see through the window. I use the mirror to make sure it's correct because of the dip in my tummy.

Thank you for your suggestions. I am trying to be independent; it's just not easy.

Conversely I've never let anyone near mine,  except when unconscious after an operation .. but I had no say in that 🤣

Lor, those dips make it tough. Are you using a one piece bag?

Yes, with rings, the bag is working and keeping leaks away. It's just the placement at changing, as I can't see it.

Have you tried putting the ring over the stoma first then placing the flange over that? Might make it a bit easier. 

Yes that's how I started out but it just doubles the problem as I then need help placing the ring and the bag.

With the paste, it is hard to aim. Then, if I get it wrong, I have to get the paste off somehow. Scrubbing, which isn't good for my skin. I just prefer my husband does it.

Understood, but you gotta know, when the time comes for a show and tell contest... we win. All the time. 😆

G-Day Ireland,

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Using a magnifying shaving mirror will distort things and make it harder for you to locate it properly. Use an A4 size mirror located at the right angle so you can see the location easily. For the first attempt, have Hubby close by; then after that, suck it up and do it by yourself. And then, like 99% of every other ostomate, you're on your own.

And don't come back and say, "But I can't do it." Just do it.

Regards, IGGIE

If you're getting reversed in a few weeks, never mind.

Windows? Mirrors? Just need a little smoke and we become magicians. Poof! 🤦‍♂️ Um, err, Pooh... more likely. 😀 Happy hump day, folks!