Dealing with Ostomy Stigma and Relationship Betrayal

When I got my ostomy, it never seemed to bother my husband. He didn't care much about that. Then, two years ago or so, we moved into a place where we had a neighbor who lived upstairs and was bullying me. Somehow she knew I had an ostomy and was saying I smelled, but I did not. I honestly think he told her I had one, or she opened my package when my bags were delivered. I suspected for many reasons that my husband was cheating with her.

Then my husband came home one night, throwing me out of the house, saying I stunk and was stinking up the whole building, which I was not! I use M9, and no one, including him, has ever said I did before. I think this all came from her just knowing I had one and her pushing him to get rid of me. He came intoxicated that night, screaming it like he wanted to make sure she heard all that he was saying.

Later, after I left him, he called me, telling me he was sorry and that it was the sewers backing up in the building and that the lady was threatening him and had three guys come over to try to do something to him.

I suspected they got into a fight and broke up. I went back to him at a different complex, but shortly after, he started treating me badly again and verbally abusing and sabotaging me. I suspected they got back together again because he told me he did not want me anymore and wanted to be free. He did some pretty rotten things to me that forced me to leave again. I'm basically traumatized, with PTSD from it all. Although I'm slowly healing from it all, I'm done this time though. I'm now in my own place and can afford it.

What's confusing is... was my ostomy the reason he did all this, or is it that they befriended each other and that she was pushing him to say this stuff to me about my ostomy because he never cared about it before? He was helping me with it, actually, and told me he never smelled it, only when I ran out of M9. He always said to me that it did not bother him in bed. I kept a wrap on, so it was not even visible.

I was with him for 25 years and had my ostomy since 2017, but not until he met her two years ago did he start saying things like this to me or treating me badly.

The past is not worth dwelling on, he treated you like crap for whatever reason, move on and enjoy whatever it is you enjoy. 

I appreciate your reply. I'm just so self conscious about my ostomy now and never was before. 

He sounds like a complete ass... Don't let him take anything away from you emotionally or how you feel about yourself. Don't give him that power. You deserve better.

And that's the problem, you're letting him win by listening/believing (even if it's subconsciously) to what he said to you. You know that you're good, now it's just a matter of convincing yourself of that.

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Just a poor excuse of a man mentally abusing you to make himself feel big... Mental abuse is the hardest thing to get over. Have you ever thought of counseling/therapy? Talking is good for us and really does help to get everything out instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.

“Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.”
  — Eric Hoffer

He didn't have the strength to tell you he was seeing someone else. I have seen many people break up and then make up, repeating this pattern multiple times. There does come a time when the love dies and there is no making up. To hurt someone where they are the most vulnerable is often what kills the love. 25 years is enduring many ups and downs. I am sad when I learn of a failed marriage. Most times the person being hurt winds up in a better position than the person doing the hurting. He will ultimately get rejected because the person he is with will never trust him or completely love him as you had. When he comes back you will be able to tell him he killed the love. Pray and cry as you need but don't ever doubt your self worth.

Ostomy appliances are made not to smell if applied correctly. Emptying /changing your ostomy bag in the bathroom is where the civilized world leaves poo.

Think often about the opening quote. You deserve strength in a partner, your ostomy is a part of who you are. Focus your energies on finding a strong partner. Don't be in a rush, patience is a virtue while seeking someone who will love you. Let your light shine. Force yourself to find something to smile about every hour — smiling brings out your beauty. 😉😊

Hello Hibiscus.
Thank you for sharing this horrid experience, which you explain so well. I get the impression that the way you have contemplated the situation  answers your own questionings and 'confusion'  on this matter. 
25 years is a long time, but I agree with what others have said and feel that the sooner you can put this all behind you and look forward to a better future without him, the better you will feel about yourself and life in general. 
Best wishes

Bill 

Throw the stupid jerk into a garbage can with your full ostomy bags, put on the lid, and forget him. Happy thoughts! You are FREE!!! :)

Every dog has their day, kiddo.

Those two will get theirs. Karma.

Agreed with everyone above 100%.

However, divorce is imminent.

Don't allow him the upper hand,

especially if this upstairs ho is needling him. He messed up. He should pay. Yes, I know it's a hard pill to swallow. And an expensive one too. The year will be difficult for you. We are here, lending an ear. No fear.

My warrior dance for evil spirits will be cast on him.

In baseball, you get three strikes. In life, you allow a second chance.

Stick a fork in the relationship. It's done. Move on.

Hugs.

Stay strong!  

Narcissists employ all kinds of emotional abuse that leaves their victim confused and hurt.  It’s not you, it’s him.  He can’t accept the blame for the awful things he did, so he blames you and your bag for his behavior.  That’s BS, he’s just a weak human!  You deserve so much better!

it’s hard to get past emotional abuse but like the others have said, don’t let him have that power over you anymore.  You’re free so you need to rebuild your self confidence and learn to live and enjoy your life!  I know it doesn’t feel like it yet, but this is a second chance for you!  I’ve been “free” for about 7 years now and life is great, but it did take a while to get to this point.

Consider therapy, a support group or even just reading on the subject.  Stay strong and when/if he comes with his tail between his legs saying he’s sorry, stay strong and kick him to the curb.

I agree with everyone  else's  remarks. Stay strong and don't  doubt yourself.  You do deserve  to be happy. Be your own best friend.  Just count  yourself  lucky to be without the jerk.

We've discussed this before. Then my response was that it was her and not you. I've got the same response as to your husband. He sounds like someone not to waste any more of your time with. Best case, he and the woman were commiserating about the odor in the building and your husband said something about your ileostomy and that started the campaign. Whether or not they are/were having an affair, he just does not sound worth it. My advice, dump the chump.

Daniel

You're too special to deal with that kind of trauma. He used excuses including "you smelled," which you didn't or don't. Believe in yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember God loves you and so do we. Take care and get yourself a treat. 🥰

I thank you all for the support. I'm very happy to be out of this situation. I think it's just the shock factor. Like, did this really all happen? But it did, and it's something I have to deal with. He will never be able to sweet-talk me back after this last stunt, and that's for sure. It's also different this time as I have a stable income and an apartment that's affordable, so there is no even thinking of turning back. I went back before because I didn't have that.

This last time I went back, it wasn't over the bag this time but some severe mental abuse that was going on from the time he'd walk in until he'd go to bed. He kept telling me he was going to drive me out. I could not figure out why he asked me to come back in the first place, but I'm assuming it was because I had help and was working on getting a stable place for myself. I guess he had me come back to ruin all of that.

I worked so hard for this. 52 days in a DV shelter. Getting my SSI together. And finding a place of my own to call home. It's been a long journey, but here I am, and I made it! I made it even while struggling with health issues. I sometimes shock myself as to how strong I really am, but deep inside there's a big hurt and confusion as to how a man I've been with for 25 years could turn on his own wife like that.

I know I don't smell. It was all a fabrication of that woman to socially destroy me in the complex. I often think though that after he was with her, someone without a bag, that he decided he did not want someone with one. One day he's going to go through something medically and need someone to be there and be understanding, and he's going to find he screwed up because no one will be there for him.

I do have much outside support. A peer support, a therapist, and some friends. It helps.

Mmmm......actually I smell a rat....maybe even two?

V.J.

Sewer rats

Very well stated.  We should never judge our self worth based on the opinions of others.

Hi Hi,

Wow... this has been an interesting post! You just never know what you're going to read on here! It's fall, so I can't spend a lot of time on here... so sorry for the late reply. I know it's hard to wrap your head around something like you described, as a lot of emotions come into play, and you're the star of the show... but I can tell you're a smart cookie and know exactly what to do in this situation. When friends come to me for advice on personal matters, I always tell them to think about it from someone else's point of view. Meaning, if what's happening to you was instead happening to your best friend... what advice would you give them? As for the why... don't even waste your time trying to figure that out... he (they) aren't worth it. You certainly don't stink, and even if you did, your partner of 25 years (who should love you unconditionally) wouldn't care. What I've seen couples with that much time invested in each other do when they have issues is nothing short of amazing (in a good way). That's what love does. You know where I'm going with this. As others have said... time to close shop and go open a new business. It's not easy... but it has to be done... and we both know you got this.

;O)

Stay strong Hisbiscus.  He sounds like a narcissist.  My parents got married at 16 and 17 and were married for many years.  My dad was verbally and physically abusive - sometimes the verbal seemed even worse than the physical.  Things got especially bad one night between them when I was in 5th grade - the next day my mom had 2 black eyes and she said "pack one outfit - nothing else".  She took all 3 of us kids to a DV shelter and we were there for many months.  She was a hero, but regrets not leaving years sooner. 

So I understand how much courage it takes to leave - and it's difficult to stay away once they're 'sorry', but I hope you will.  I asked my mom once how she got up the courage to finally leave (aside from wanting to keep us safe that is) ... she said it was because the last time he threatened to kill her if she left, she realized she would rather be dead than stay with him.  I am glad you have support.  The peace you will find in the future will be worth it.  Sending hugs!

All that you all have said here is true and sound advice, things I already know and should know. I guess we abused women have that syndrome afterwards, feeling left confused and doubting ourselves, feeling the need for others' advice to confirm. It's going to take some work, I suppose, with my support system and therapy to overcome.

To Dexib, I know I had to make that final leave for the same reason. I'd be dead if not, but I still worry he will find me. I do have most of that covered with my state, but it's still a possibility and makes me very anxious.

Yeah, they're sorry alright, about the time they figure out they lost the best thing they ever had. 2 words. Stupid jerk!

Yes 25 years and the first time he threw me out for her was about 2 years ago. She must have dumped him for a while and ooh he was so sorry and so convincing. Then I gave him another chance in a whole new apartment complex but the abuse was 10 times worse within 3 weeks so I assumed she was back in touch with him. 

Maybe this isn't such a great topic to be put up here, especially for new ostomates, so I'm asking the forum monitor to feel free to remove this thread. Sorry, I'm just so beside myself and needed to talk.

Hello Hisbiscus.
Sorry to hear that you are having second thoughts about posting this topic on here.
I felt that it was a very pertinent subject, which reflected the way some people will manipulate a situation to suit their own needs and desires. The fact that it involves the concept of a stoma and distorts the misconception of smells is highly relevant to those who may have 'suffered' from similar discrimination.
To share such experiences with 'us' feels appropriate, enlightening and educational. I also feel that anyone who is holding onto 'any' subject that is disturbing them emotionally, should be able to express their feelings on here so that they may receive support and understanding through the replies they get. 
Thanks for bringing up another concept which enables me to resurrect a rhyme from the past:

Best wishes
Bill

A RANT.

I’ll share what rant’s are all about
they’re there to let the venom out.
Keep poisons in and they will grow
give voice to them and they will go.

If I can have a rant I find 
it clears the rancour from my mind.
It’s relaxation for the wise
and satisfaction is the prize.

So if I rant and fume it might
rid me of my gloom and spite.
As I unwind there’s some release
and in my mind I find some peace.

May all the malice that’s in there
stay in the chalice that we share.
Then when the rant is over we
can then decant and feel we’re free.

I can recall distain and hate 
when I became an ostomate
and pent up animosity
that went towards my ostomy.

The rant’s I had were functional
if not a tad compunctional.
At that time I’d seethe and shout
to vent my pent-up feelings out.

A rant decants some enmity 
nastiness and hostility.
But what I learned from my blue rage 
was I could turn to a new page.

So there are ways rants can be good
as I always knew they could.
I must be hopeful you can see
just how useful rants can be.

                                    B. Withers 2013

You nailed it, Bill.

Any subject... and then some... whether stoma related or not is welcome.

In this case, her soon-to-be ex-husband is using smells as a put-down. And we are all very conscious of those smells.

As abuse, this subject is of great relevance to all of us, not needing removal.

Hibiscus.....

Your post is very relevant on this website. Nearly everyone here has, or had, an ostomy. We worry about its effect on marriage, friendships, dating, sex, work, travel, and our emotional well-being. It's a hard road for many, especially if there are further treatments in the future.

Sadly, there are deceptive, unfaithful, abusive people in this world. It's horribly bad when senseless abuse and nastiness are directed onto someone dealing with physical/emotional challenges.

In 2022, when I was undergoing radiation treatment, I would arrive early for my appointment. Into the waiting room came many couples. Some young, many elderly. Many of the mature patients slowly hobbled in on walkers, wheelchairs, or canes, assisted by their wife or husband.

I chatted with them. Nearly all were married when they were young, passed through their youth together, raised families, retired, and now took care of each other the best they could. It was enlightening. I told my wife about many of them. She said, "That is love."

I encourage you to continue relating your experience. It's good to talk about it with people who understand. Take care and remain strong.

Hello H

All you get from looking backwards is a sore neck; keep moving forward, you're already on your way.

Oh hell no!  This is exactly why this forum exists.  And why this particular one is so great.  Hopefully the opposite is true......that new ostomates who are having difficult emotional or physical issues WILL read your post and feel they can also reach out on here for help.  We're all in this together, and it's only by helping each other out, no matter what the issue or problem, that we'll get thru this crap.  And if anyone reading this ever feels they don't want to identify themselves and has an issue.........just PM me and I'll post it for you anonomously so everyone can help you out.  Remember that the chitter-chatter, jokes, stories, etc on here is just the fluff.  The meat and potatoes is the help.  Let's eat!

;O)

Hi,

Thanks to all of you for understanding. And to Axl, I'm just having a hard time wrapping all of this around my head. We are talking 25 years and an abrupt, all of a sudden change. I get what you're saying about not looking back. It creeps up on you though and eats at you. My therapist tells me I have to get it out instead of bottling up my feelings like I sometimes try to do.

It's not so much the splitting up part that bothers me. It's the shadiness, sneakiness, and the horrible cruel verbal abuse I have endured. There was much more cruelty done to me that I just haven't disclosed here. There was nothing I was doing differently to cause him to change this way. What really eats at me is that this is someone I've trusted to always care for me and thought would always be there through thick and thin, as I was for him. I mean, 25 years and who would have ever thought things would take a turn this way, especially when we were getting along fine when this all started.

Regardless, I understand I do need to focus on the future and my new life. I do have lots to be thankful for. I should probably keep focusing on that.