Being Single with an Ileostomy

My question is this….. how do you date someone when you have an illeostomy? When do you even begin to tell someone about your condition? 

Hi, I wish I had a better answer.

I do know many people are in loving relationships even with a stoma.

I guess you take things slow and let them get to know the real you.

Then when you feel they know you well enough, you tell them.

All you can do is hope it's not a major problem. If things don't go well, be grateful you found out how shallow they are in time. A stoma doesn't define you; you're still the lovely individual you've always been.

I hope you meet your dream man and you're truly happy together.

Just the same way as I did before I had an ostomy: "Take me as I am or watch me as I go." If you get turned down, you feel sorry for yourself for a few days, just as you would have been before having an ostomy, so really nothing's changed. I've always been open and told everyone right from day one. I don't go into great detail at first unless they ask. I throw a few of my bad jokes in, and if they can take them and laugh, they can take me too, lol. There's no right or wrong way, just what you feel is right.

I was wondering the same thing.  This is a lonely world. 

I say be upfront and honest. Tell someone right away; that way, you don't waste your time. And you know upfront if someone is going to accept it or not.

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Steph - it's definitely their loss if wearing a pouch is a dealbreaker. You're an empowered woman. A mere pouch does not define whom you are - you've got this 🌈

But when? For sure not before, during, or after a meal.

I am so uncomfortable with people knowing. I am so afraid if I share, my privacy will be lost. People love to share in my town. The sad thing is what we as humans don't realize sometimes this can happen to anyone. This is the hand I have been dealt, and it could have been worse; that is one of the things that keeps me going.

So to me, there is not a perfect time.
Just be honest like you said, at the right time.

Thank you

I am a bit different. I am proud of my ostomy and I will show it off, and I don't care who knows it. It's a beautiful thing, a chance at life I didn't have before. Granted, my story has not been easy. I am on my 6th stoma, all in a year, and my stomach looks like it's been clawed into (technically, it has), but that makes me want to say it even louder. I would say it upfront and outright when meeting someone, before a date would even happen. That way, I don't waste my time if they end up having a problem with it. I also think that the world needs to know and embrace it the way they have with everything else. We are the hidden hush-hush, and even healthcare workers don't know much about it, if at all.

Just remember this: we are ostomy warriors; we are strong and we are beautiful.

Thank you for being so strong… for me. I hope I get to this point in my life. I am so thankful to God that He gave me another opportunity today to get it right.

Thank you again!

G-Day Steph, I agree with Beth, tell them right away and if they go, they would have been the wrong one even if you had waited for a couple of weeks. Check if you have any Ostomates near where you live in Mississippi; they would understand everything. Regards, IGGIE

When you learn or accept to put yourself first in your life, then you’ll know when to tell. Right now, by your replies, you’re too worried about what others will think or say about you. Most of us wouldn’t be around or at least healthier without our ostomy, why let that good thing ruin the rest of your life by hiding from others? You got one life to live and you were given another chance, don’t waste it. Worry about you and everything else will fall into place. 

This topic was addressed some time ago.

I opened a thread about it. The results basically were that some preferred to be honest and upfront with their potential date.

Others decided to wait.

Others decided not to say a word about their ostomy until it was time to do so.

Yes, dates and dating can be a cruel time. It's totally your take on when to tell them.

And if you don't tell them, and have the time to invest, then do that. And be prepared.

I feel if you win them over with charm, personality, being a good listener, confidence, etc., nothing else matters. Of course, they could be a shallow Hal.

Oh yeah!!! Chemistry was a huge deal breaker and mileage, distance.

Some people want to settle while others do not.

You will be totally crushed if a fellow ostomy patient and you dated and he/she just didn't like you. Huh? Yeah, game over.

Heard a story about that. So it doesn't matter. Bag or not.

Also, why does it have to be about you? Maybe your date has some flaws? Skeletons in their closet?

Get off the idea it's you. It's not.

Find the confidence. There is someone out there for everyone. Don't despair.

Never give up.

It's funny how often this gets asked and how every time it's asked, everyone has their own take and opinion. That's the bottom line, unfortunately, everyone has their own take and opinion, lol. For me, I prefer being upfront and honest. I can promise you there will be people who won't care. As a newly divorced guy suddenly in the dating world again, I've had dates that went just fine, and I told her upfront about everything. The crappy part (pun not intended) is that there will also be people who do care. It's just the way the world works. I find I'm my own worst enemy with the ostomy. It's on my mind way more than it's on theirs.

You are under no obligation to tell anyone anything you're not comfortable with, the same with any other personal information. But I like to think of it as a situation similar to if you were missing a limb. They'll find out eventually. It's up to you when you feel comfortable telling them.

You will and God will get you there.

Andrew...you're a divorcee with a child? A father always has a better chance than a single fatherless guy.

Your dates went well. Any follow-up?

Did they play the friend card? Did they have a nice time?

Were plans made for 2nd dates?

The dates I had cited chemistry.

None. And I never told anyone about the alien sticking out of me.

However...

Tell you a story. Met a woman who had adult children. Not an issue for me. It's pretty much expected after age 50 to have children. I do not have children.

This woman surprised me on our 1st date. We eventually had 5 dates in total.

Looking good, right? Hold the phone.

Her surprise? Being a diabetic, she had 2 appliances. Told me right up front. Whoa... 2??

One for glucose, one for something else. Can't recall, but related to her condition.

I jokingly asked her, "Is this supposed to scare me off?"

She said no, just wanted me to know... okay...

I replied, "Pffth, that ain't nothing," and left it like that.

She didn't ask or wonder why I said that.

I was impressed she told me.

Took guts on a first date.

It wasn't until the 5th date I reminded her of the first date surprise she dropped on me, and I asked why she hasn't inquired what I meant about my reply "that ain't nothing" in regards to her appliances.

She said, "I figured you'd tell me when you are ready."

I told her.

Haven't seen her since.

Thank you … I have always worried what others thought of me. Always tried to please others before.

It's a new day!!

Thank you again ❣️

You’re welcome. 

No, I don't have children.  Just a niece and nephews.  Very active with my niece and her parents (my oldest brother).   I usually say something up front the ostomy is rarely the issue.   Chemistry can fizzle pretty easily with anyone, ostomy or not.   I'm pretty outgoing and charismatic (without tooting my own horn). 

The last time I hooked up, she was very into me and didn't give one whoop about the ostomy.   

I thought from the profile photo you might be a dad. That's cool, hanging with your brother's kids.

Gotta spend that time with them now. Before you know it, they are grown and they don't have the time for you.

Re: chemistry. I have not hooked up with anyone since my 2021 divorce. First dates go well, but they cite "chemistry" as a factor. Personally, I think it's their way of saying "I don't like you" in a nicer way. Who knows, but as men, we don't get chemistry. Women have this seventh sense; in 5 minutes they know. I don't get that at all.

Everyone is on their best behavior too, so what is chemistry? It develops, right?

Over time, right? Dates... dating... right?

Nope. Not for them.

None knew of the ostomy. But you see, I do have a hearing loss and that can be a deal breaker.

Keep it swinging, man. You're bound to hit someone. 😁

Guys have chemistry too. 

If I go out with friends on a lunch or dinner date, and it's someone who doesn't know about my ostomy, I simply say, as I'm scanning the menu card... I need to order something that won't interfere with my ostomy... Questions will follow, so answer them in a casual and confident manner which will put your friend at ease too about your condition. 🙂 The ostomy doesn't define us... never forget that. 👍

It's a tough question, but being upfront about it takes away a lot of the “ick.” If the person you want to date can't handle it, then you know they will just be superficial in the relationship, all take and no give.
I was widowed 3 years ago and started a lasting friendship and relationship with a wonderful man whose wife died the day before my husband did. We knew each other over the years, and once I realized this friendship was going to go further, I felt it important to share about my “condition” so that the first time of intimacy wouldn't be a total turnoff or surprise.
But the best part was that he shared about his “conditions,” and we decided we are both wounded warriors of life, and we support each other as best we can.
Good luck, and I hope you find a partner of character and strength to support you.

Sweet. ! Thanks for sharing!👍

I'm honest to a fault and I get anxiety if I don't divulge that information right away to people who have romantic interest in me. It really is a big factor for most people in my experience. So I'd rather any ableists fuck off right away. Life is way too short and way too long to share myself for even a few moments with people whose hearts and other parts will turn against me on a dime out of bigotry. 

Good point. 

I fully agree. Press along. May peace and joy be your best friend

I loved these posts, the range, the intimacy, the wisdom. As a consumer and professional provider—also a contented serially monogamous gal—all I have to add is this: Nobody gets out of this earthly life without loss. The gift of learning to metabolize the same with grace and dignity is key! I so appreciate hearing these war stories on self-preservation. Charity begins at home.

So, go get 'em...and keep your eyes open. There is always another train coming down the track. Lust for life is the adventure...it's a very quick ride to the exits. And there are endless sources of delight, pleasure, and eros to be had.

Here's to finding out whatever works for you! Loving that lemonade. Peace on all our houses now. Happy holidays...carry an extra bag at all times...on your person. Major blowouts with all this eating are inevitable. Cheers, Ninja Girl

Tell them when they ask, "what is this?"

I used to tell everyone. Then I stopped because sometimes coworkers or some friends see it as your main feature and talk to your stomach, looking for your bag.

I no longer tell anyone unless I feel they may see me naked. Dating many times is just casual encounters, just hanging out, dinner, movies. But if you meet that special someone, it's better to tell him or her if you think the relationship will progress to an intimate relationship. If someone asks you what the crackling noise is,

they keep hearing... tell them it is a candy wrapper in your pocket.