GRATITUDE

Hi Bill and Angelica Marie,
Bill, thank you very much for sharing your personal experiences. This manner of explanation is incredibly gracious. It truly brings us to a more substantial understanding of the concepts you are introducing. To be as engaged in this life and in the manner you describe yourself to be invokes admiration. You are innovative, inventive, caring, and genuine. I suspect this bit of praise might not be your cup of tea - but I am so grateful to be in this place at this time reading this and wanted you to know.
I'll work backward from your last two posts because the topic of suicide is a giant attention-getter. I will only speak for myself, and I know that probably goes without saying, but I just want to be clear about that and leave no question of arrogance or presumption. But the healing potential of your theories in action holds such fantastic implications for our community here that I hope my impression is of some use.
Waking up with a colostomy is one of the most bizarre things that I ever experienced. Taking care of this little lifesaver stretched my sanity and had me walking around for weeks like a deer in headlights - shaking my head with eyes wide in amazement and mouth sort of hanging open. It's not that I was completely unfamiliar with ostomies or freaked out by them - when I was 18, I met a woman in her 40s at my place of employment who was to become one of the best mentors I ever had, and she had an ileostomy. She was also a real talented seamstress and had a side business called "VIP" - "Very Intimate Personals" - and she made really nice custom men's and women's underwear for folks with ostomies. She started out sewing stuff for her to wear to cover her bag during sex. I'm sure there's an entire industry for these products now, but in 1982 she was the only game in town. This was back in the days before the WWW, so she advertised in health magazines. And her business was booming! I used to help ship orders sometimes, and we became very close friends. Also, my grandma had a colostomy, so I grew up hearing the gas noises and seeing the different supplies in the bathroom and being careful to only hug on one side and not squeeze too tight.
I only bring this up to perhaps demonstrate that my personal reaction to having an ostomy and how it changed the way I felt about myself (vulnerable) and how I perceived the world (scarier) was an entity of the whole experience that left me stunned and unbalanced. A recipe for depression, anxiety, panic, you name it. So the concepts and models you developed, Bill, mean a great deal. We all need a strategy to achieve personal happiness. The reasons for one's reactions are elusive, and a model for identifying why we are the way we are or feel the way we do holds great potential.
I often think about the first time it ever occurred to a surgeon to save someone's life by pulling a healthy section of intestine out of their abdomen. Now THAT I think was some ingenious lateral thinking!
Back now to "working on drags and uplifts". With the big Thanksgiving holiday looming next week, there are some issues in the wings that I considered needed a bit of thought. Holidays are just tough. Even if you have a 'perfect' situation with loved ones available and engaged - something or someone usually dinks it up. (Borrowed your word). I already anticipate some high emotions, so I made a list. I started with pros and cons as headings. Then I changed that to "drags" and "uplifts". I found that I could record a lot more stuff under the "U" column. So that felt good - although I may not be identifying things appropriately yet - but it's a start. And yep, I have a couple of things in the "D" column as well. But it's not a 1:1 ratio, is it? I suspect those Ds have enough emotional energy potential to cause an unwanted release. I am "heads up" on them already though. That counts for something very desirable. The proof will be in the pudding....
Best Regards and Wishes,
Andrea

Hello Andrea.
I do so love reading your posts as it is clear that you are genuinely thinking about these concepts and what they might mean to you. I also admire the sorts of people you talk about, that were pioneers in doing the surgeries and in helping people to cope when they had surgery done to them. You are obviously very knowledgeable about what people go through having a stoma both physically and emotionally. This gives you the background to help others in their coping strategies. It is my belief that there will be people reading these posts who may or may not identify with what I am saying but, will almost certainly warm to the graphic descriptions of experience that you are writing about. My words are just theory, whereas yours paint a picture of practice as it is happening. This is priceless in terms of helping people to learn about themselves.
I will continue with the next model as soon as I have the time available. If you just keep thinking about these things as you are doing, I am confident that you will master the skills necessary to manage and control emotions in no time at all.
Best wishes
Bill

Reading this is like reading a story. The way you break it down, Bill, thanks. How was your day, or should I say, how's your evening? I really enjoy communicating with you, my friend.

What a nice thing to say. How unexpected. I enjoy communicating with both of you (all of you out there). Thank you for reading what I post. Please please please do not feel obligated to reply! But please do respond if you want to say anything at all. Above all, please be well and know that your kindness is very deeply felt and appreciated. Also...if it's not imposing...I could use a good novel. The holidays always roll better after a few hours with my nose in a book. No obligation or pressure...might you be willing to share perhaps a favorite title...or a creative offspring of your own?

In gratitude,

Andrea

Thank you for responding. It was like you understood what I felt. Take care, Angelica.

How to Manage Ostomy Leaks with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Good morning, my friend, because I don't know if it's night
or day there. So, good morning! I hope you have a pleasant day and continue writing, Bill.

Angelicamarie

Hello Angelicamarie.
Thanks for your posts. There is really no way of telling what time the messages were sent as it only gives us the dates. It's 06:00hrs in the morning here on the 18th November, at the time I'm writing this so It's a day later than when you wrote yours.
I note from your private message that you want me to pass on your regards to Lemonlimeviolet/Andrea. However, it looks as if your communications on this blog are coming through okay so I am confident that she will get the message without me writing separately on your behalf.
Best wishes
Bill

Hello Andrea.
I thought I needed to respond to you asking about favourite books. I only started reading books about a year or so ago and I had absolutely no preference of my own in that regard.( I just take them off the shelf at random) I was brought up believing that the dictionary was the best book to read because all the words are in there and you only have to shuffle them into the right order and you have your own book. It's a bit like a jigsaw puzzle in words where you piece together whatever story you want until the thing is complete.
As for my own efforts. So far I have not really been writing them for an external audience but more as a distraction form the drudgery of stoma maintenance. If I had your email address I could send an attachment with the script and you could read them that way for free. I do not have full membership, so I cannot message you privately but I can and do answer messages that others have sent me.
Best wishes
Bill

BACK TO EMOTIONS:
The last model was a simple Birth to death concept which is easy enough to grasp but simplicity often does not paint a comprehensive enough picture to explain anything much.
The next concept tries to show that the journey of life rarely runs in a straight line.
In this mini-model 'life' is portrayed as a spiral,(like a spring) where each repetition where each repetition of the spiral may or may not look the same but as the journey moves on and involves movement in time, there can never be an identical spiral.
I use the graphic of the spiral to share the theory that the first revolution of an emotional developmental spiral could represent the years from 0 to about 7/10yrs. This first spiral is almost certainly the 'pattern maker' for future revolutions of the spiral.
The image of the spiral leads directly from the birth-death line but it also reflects a similarity with the double helix model of DNA which is someone else's theory of life.
By referring to the spiral I can encourage people to identify at what age their emotional development has been stopped, stunted, damaged etc. ( I called this the AED score-Age of Emotional Damage)Invariably this coincides with early childhood and experiences of parenting but other things, such as trauma later in life can also have similar effects on emotions.
The second cycle of the spiral represents roughly the years 7 - 20years which are described as 'teenage' years. Expectations are that hormones are changing rapidly and emotions are chaotic. If the child was not taught how to control and manage their emotions in the first period, then they are unlikely to learn it in adolescence. In the next cycle, after 20yrs. the person is assumed to be an 'adult' and should know these things. My theory states that if the child is not taught at the beginning and is allowed to do their own thing in adolescence, how can they be expected to have learned what they need to about emotions by the time they reach adulthood. The patterns/ habits of lacking emotional control are, by then fairly fixed - so without help, they are likely to remain stable (or unstable) for the rest of the person's life.
My spin-off theory in this regard is that our 'society' is run by manipulative, greedy people, who have a vested interest in the bulk of the population having little or no control over their emotions. People act on their 'instincts' without thinking first. It becomes easy for the people in the world of commerce to persuade these people to buy stuff that that do not need when these people act before they think things through.
The theories surrounding this concept involve many day to day examples which there is not time to elaborate here - but I'm sure you get the idea.
Best wishes
Bill

I omitted to mention politicians, who also have a vested interest in the mass of people being told what they should think, instead of encouraging people to think for themselves.
Best wishes
Bill

Hi Bill, how are you today? I had some appointments. I don't feel too good. I think I caught a cold from some nasty person. I say that because some people will come to church and cough their heads off on you!!! Instead of staying home and tending to the cold. So much for that. How was your day, friend? Hoping you had a good day and definitely wishing you and your family a safe and great weekend!!!! Angelica Marie

Heck Bill, as soon as I send you a message, the item is posted out there.

Hello Angelicamarie.
Thank you for your good wishes and I hope the same for you and your own family.
Sorry to hear you have a cold. Wherever people gather together they are likely to spread their germs. If it's not in church, then it's somewhere else like the supermarket where they cough all over the food that someone else is going to buy after they've gone. It is not surprising that epidemics spread so quickly in our modern societies as some people have little or no consideration for others. However, in the context of practicing how to control emotions; With these types of irritations/ frustrations, there are several ways to turn the concept around in order to make it a more positive experience.
When people are ill, they tend to look for comfort and understanding from empathetic 'others'. Many folks go to the doctor's, hoping that they will get this emotional support from them. What they usually get is a prescription for medication that does little for their emotional needs. If they come to church, one suspects that they are looking for emotional support from their fellow worshipers or from the God that they pray to. It is perhaps a good thing that these places exist in order to cater for that need when people are ill. Otherwise, where else would they go in order to satisfy that need?
Another way of perceiving this, is that not everyone is affected by these sorts of illnesses, even though theyare constantly exposed to the germs. Research has shown that people are more likely to become ill if their immune system is depleted or they are emotionally unstable(maybe the two are linked). those people who HAVE A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON LIFE are less likely to get the colds and, if they do, the effects tend to be less dramatic. It has been found that the negative affects of illness are more acute for those who have a negative outlook. This negativity is invariably linked with a person's emotional state and their ability to control that.

More of this later but, as I understand it, Jesus did not hesitate to get upfront and personal in tending to people with contagious illnesses such as leprosy. I have not read anywhere that he suffered himself as a result, but he set an example as somebody with a positive attitude towards helping others with the affliction. An example to us all maybe?
Best wishes
Bill

BACK TO THE THEORIES:
Having established that life is a journey from birth to death that we are all on whether we like it or not.
My next mini-theory involves explaining the simple concept of how important it is to 'look where your are going' whilst on the move. People who have become emotionally dysfunctional because OF PAST experiences, have a tendency to focus their attention on the past rather than the future. I have several ways to get the message across that it is more functional to look in the direction you are travelling (the future) rather than looking backwards when you are in fact travelling the other way. The first way of illustrating this was to draw a picture of two faces, one pointing to the past and one to the future. The second was a practical demonstration of what happens in the scenario where people don't look where they are going.
I place a chair in the middle of the two imaginary points which are described as 'Birth' on the one hand and 'Death' on the other. I explain that the 'chair' represents a problem or obstacle in the journey from birth to death. I start at the 'birth' point and start walking backwards towards the chair, whiclt inviting the observer to guess what is going to happen when I reach the problem/ obstacle. By the time I have finished the sentence, I have CRASHED INTO THE CHAIR and come to a standstill on my journey. I then repeat the process, but this time I face the way I am travelling. It becomes obvious, but I still explain, that if I'm looking towards the future I will almost certainly see the obstacles before crashing into them. This will give me the options of avoiding them by going to one side or the other, or actually moving the obstacle so that it is no longer blocking my path.
Seeing the problems and having the time to THINK about them before you crash into them seems a much more sensible approach to enable a person to make rational choices about what they need to do to stay in control of the situation.
In the process of enabling people to control their own life, emotions and destiny, it is useful to explain what I am 'not trying to do' as well as being clear as to what my aims are. I do not use the techniques of some psycho-therapists, who concentrate their efforts to help people to look back on their past. I usually refer back to concept (1) to explain that my perception of people relying on psycho-therapy is akin to using a 'prop' and, unless they get better and move on, the prop is more of a hindrance than a help.
I often use the analogy of a driver making a journey in a car. Most 'functional' drivers will make sure they look forward if they are in motion and use their mirror to 'reflect' on what is happening behind them. @reflection is, therefore, seen as important but should not be so distracting that the focus on the journey ahead is neglected.
I did explain at the beginning of this discussion, that most of the people that were referred to me were at the end of the line in terms of 'therapy'. Most had not benefitted from psycho-therapy, so this was a way of explaining why this might be so. The point of looking back into one's past is to gain an insight and understanding that will allow you to move on in the journey without having to keep looking back. If the person does not turn around in the process, then the psycho-therapy is ineffective and can actually make things worse because the past is then brought into focus even more.
One of my 'clients' describes it really well when he described his past life as "A heap of shit! Being taken back in time via memory, felt like being dragged back through all that emotional shit, without getting any relief from the symptoms."
The concept of looking forwards, does not discount 'reflection' but advocates having it fully under control, with the aim of avoiding the shit catching up with you. Also, so that you can move on in such a way that you are more likely to leave the shit behind in a 'constructive' and controlled way.
Here endeth the fourth concept!
Best wishes
Bill

Hi Bill, people with positive attitudes get sick. I try to look at things in a positive way. However, when I'm sick, I don't go out. Why spread it? I don't like how I feel, so why give it to someone else? How are you today or this afternoon? You said you weren't a member, but you are. You won membership!!!!

Will should be with Bill. Sorry, I know it doesn't bother you. Thank you for being human! Bill, sometime before I'm finished, it's out there. Well, hell, why talk and send a message if it's taken right away and shown to all? Should just send it to all and not a particular person.

The reason you send it to particular people is somewhat a comfort zone.

Hello Angelicamarie.
I do understand how you feel about sick people spreading their germs about and it is good to think of others in these situations. However, some people do not have that sense of social responsibility and I was trying(unsuccessfully) to point out that there can be other ways of viewing their choices.
As for the messaging service; I do keep getting notes to say that I have free membership and yet when I have tried to send a message the service is not available to me. Because I don't often have the urge to use it I just carry on as if I don't have the membership. Obviously, I will still reply to any messages sent to me through that route but I must admit that most correspondence takes place in the open forum or on the blogs. I hope that you received my replies to your past messages and I will always reply to any sent I future.
Best wishes
Bill

Understood Bill.

Hi Bill and Angelicamarie,
Bill, once again, I'm finding a ton of useful, logical, and applicable perspective in your theories. They are very well-rounded, aren't they? I confess that I do struggle when I try to subscribe to the premise that humans are devious. But I am getting there. I would never ever classify you as a devious person. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I remember the first response you posted when I thanked you for posting GRATITUDE and the conversation turned to the element of "selfishness". (A component of deviousness perhaps) I hope this is coming across properly. My goal is to show that the way that I think is changing. Also, the amount of time I spend thinking is increasing a lot. I am curious about the source of deviousness in humans. Is it always lurking somewhere in the mind, even at the tiniest level of severity? (Rhetorical question)
It's not something I could easily convince myself exists within either of you kind folks. But in order to achieve the skill needed for emotional control, I feel some terms need a new definition for my mind.
I'm also so glad your philosophical road included the next logical supportive theory regarding "looking forward" because I know I didn't learn emotional control by the time I was 5 and the thought of analyzing nearly 50 years of my past life for the 'fix' was a mealy proposition at best. Thank God one need not pursue that!
I believe it's important not to skip any of the theories; however, it takes time and thought to assimilate them properly for my psyche. Thank you very much, Bill, for sharing all these theories with such relatability. (Totally made up word - I think?)
Angelicamarie - I'm really sorry to hear you are under the weather. My advice for beating a cold is to eat chicken broth/soup. Don't ask me why because I have no idea why - but if you can get your hands on a bowl of soup, please dig in and get well soon!

On a personal note - I wanted to let you know that a dear friend was admitted to a hospice facility today, so I'm distracted, and please forgive me if my post is disorganized or unclear. He's not afraid. It's incredible. But time is running out quickly.
All the best,
Andrea

Oh Andrea, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. You must be close to him. Hold your head high. Unfortunately, we can't change the outcome of some things, but I will keep you and your friend in my prayers. I pray for your strength. Try and have a pleasant night, Angelica.

Andrea, I misspelled a word. "Dome" was meant to be "some things." Sorry for the error!

Hello Angelica.
Pleas do not feel you need to apologise for spelling mistakes as almost 80% of language is pretty redundant. so as we read, our minds fill in the gaps and mistakes as if they were not there. It's just one of the many wonders of the human brain. In computer terms I think they call it 'fuzzy-logic'.
Best wishes
Bill

Hello Andrea.
Thanks for your post and for sharing your sad news about your friend. I have had a few people admitted to hospices in the past and every one of them have commented on how comforting and good they were in these difficult times. Two of them (who had problems controlling their emotions) shared with me (confidentially) that being in the hospice had been the best time of their lives. They were looked after with the love, affection and caring, that they had been seeking all their lives. Surely, nobody could ask for a better recommendation than that. He will appreciate that people are thinking of him and wishing him well. ( or at least hoping he is not suffering too much) This is a good opportunity for you to THINK about what you can do to make his last days as pleasant as they can possibly be, rather than becoming emotionally upset/ disturbed/ dysfunctional. The AIMS for today list that I mentioned earlier is a great, logical format for achieving this, especially the first aim 'To be there' for someone. Now, back to the theories:

I like the word 'relatability' and it does not matter a jot if it's made-up because it's perfectly understandable. 'Stickability' is another such word that I tend to use with regard to practicing the control of emotions because they are likely to spring up at anytime. In response to your query about whether deviousness is always lurking. for now, I would encourage you to think about deviousness as a behavioural manifestation of an emotion/instinct. This behaviour does not emerge from all humans when they want to get their own way. Some humans do not act on their instincts but THINK things through and choose a different path. In order to address this very point, I have developed a much more complex model that I called an 'OWN_WAY LIST'. Tis theory helps me to place people in categories of predictable behaviour patterns even in the midst of chaotic emotions and lifestyles. However, I think that explaining the complexity of that model at this point would be a mistake, as it would be too much to try to take in before you fully grasp and internalise some of the mini-models. So, if you could bear with me on that one, I will come back to it at a later date, when it will be much easier for you to assimilate.
From the replies you send to us, it sounds as if you are doing really well in practising your thinking skills and, although at times it may seem difficult, if you keep at it, in the long-term it will become second-nature to you. Just like any other learned skill, like walking, driving, etc, once you have the basic skills, with further practice, you can do it 'with your eyes closed'. The trick is to get those basic skills under your belt so that as you move to more complex stuff, it all has a firm foundation on which to build.
Your point about NOT wanting to analyse 50 years of your past life is one that came up time and time again with people after I pointed out that under 5yrs was probably when the problem began and when it should have been resolved. I would like to tell you that, if you had been here with me, rather than on a computer, all of these mini-models would have been explained to you within the space of a 2 hour intensive introduction. This way you would not have had time to worry about whether you would be expected to relive your past emotional experiences because the mini-models would have been so close together that it would be obvious that reliving your past was unnecessary. Also, the reason I normally like to get all these mini-models explained quickly, is they are only the groundwork / foundation for building a pattern of thinking that will stand people in good stead for the rest of their thinking lives. The models are only important when they are all linked together and make sense in terms of logical reasons for choosing to THINK for oneself, rather than have your emotions control your actions and subsequent thinking.
I'm so glad you are still with us regarding the theories as it might give you a useful distraction as you cope with the pre-death grieving process regarding your friend.
Best wishes
Bill

Bill, I read what you wrote to Rag Doll, a loner with a stoma. Simply to the point, you're such a good writer, Bill. Angelica Marie.

Hello Angelicamarie.
Thank you once again for your kind comments, even if they are relating to a different blog. Interestingly, your post prompted me to re-read the correspondence on the blog 'A Loner With a Stoma' and many of the points I was trying to make there about people acting on their instincts with out thinking things through in a logical and rational manner are just as pertinent to the discussion we are having here. Sometimes acting on instinct can be so ridiculously wrong ,that it beggars belief that people continue with the strategy over and over. However, thinking about it a bit more, emotions/ instincts are, by definition, 'irrational' so we should not be surprised if there is little or no rational logic supporting the action of those who act on it.
As for the writing. I never had a proper basic education and I had to teach myself how to write when I was well into my twenties. At first I decided that it was not a worthwhile pursuit so I employed someone to type my thoughts out for me. After a while, I thought I would/could teach myself to type and use a word processor to correct any obvious errors. I have been practicing my writing skills and trying to improve ever since. Sometimes I feel I'm doing okay, other times I can perceive in my writing that the basics I taught myself were inadequate and the amateurish nature of the effort would show through. However, this has never really bothered me too much as I detach myself from the embarrassing bits and tell myself that I have come quite a long way with these skills, considering I had a disadvantaged start.
It's a bit like the poor start people have in learning emotional control skills. Once we realise what has gone wrong, then by Self-Organised Living and Reflecting (SOLAR)and sticking at it, we can metamorphose into whatever we want to be in spite of others trying to put blocks in our way.
Best wishes
Bill

Bill, pat yourself on the back. Then, you taught yourself. Some went to school, but you can't tell. I think you have great writing skills. Good night, Angelica Marie.

I think you have great writing skills. Correction from the above message to you, Bill.

Hello Angelicamarie.
Thank you for your kind comments. I do not think my writing skills are 'great' yet but it is, as they say, 'a work in progress' and with time, patience and practice, I feel I am getting better at it. Mind you, I don't know where I would be without a keyboard and a word processor, as I still cannot write very well with a pen.
Best wishes
Bill