Dating with an Ostomy - When to Share Personal Health

I love this reply

There are so many people in this world that judge my parents. The first man that I dated after my husband passed away had an ileostomy like me. So, I was excited that that didn't come into play. However, at the time, I weighed 297 lb, and he was significantly prejudiced against my weight. I foolishly tried to change for him, but losing the weight was good for me anyway. I'm down to 205 lb. I did not meet him on MaO but just in everyday life. It was kind of a surprise, but after dating an ostomate, it made me come here, and I found my next gentleman caller who also had an ileostomy, and he is accepting of me in every way. Just don't give up, keep looking. It doesn't matter whether you have an ostomy or not; that's just good dating advice.

When the time comes, my first post was about intimacy after ostomy. I was an ostomy nurse for 8 years before I got mine. I have now had my ostomy for almost 15 years, and I have enough experience to share. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

There are so many people in this world that judge my parents. The first man that I dated after my husband passed away had an ileostomy like me. So, I was excited that that didn't come into play. However, at the time, I weighed 297 lb, and he was significantly prejudiced against my weight. I foolishly tried to change for him, but losing the weight was good for me anyway. I'm down to 205 lb. I did not meet him on MaO but just in everyday life. It was kind of a surprise, but after dating an ostomate, it made me come here, and I found my next gentleman caller who also had an ileostomy, and he is accepting of me in every way. Just don't give up; keep looking. It doesn't matter whether you have an ostomy or not; that's just good dating advice.

When the time comes, my first post was about intimacy after ostomy. I was an ostomy nurse for 8 years before I got mine. I have now had my ostomy for almost 15 years, and I have enough experience to share. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

An excellent and sane 'take' on the topic. Agreed.

I don't understand how he saw the bag cover. Ostomy Secrets have pretty lacy bands you can wear over the bag. I would wait to say anything until either the end of the first date or the second date if it is someone you are interested in. That way, you can judge their character and person if it is someone worthy of your time. If they can't handle the news after you tell them, they are not for you and you can move on quickly.

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

I agree wholeheartedly. So, for the first couple of dates, try to wear something blousey or a loose sweater so the bulge will not be noticeable. My preference is shirts over pullovers, so I wear patterned shirts and find that disguises the bulge. When dating, if it appears that it might develop beyond a goodnight kiss, that's when I would explain about my medical condition. If they really like you, it does not usually cause a problem, although they will often have a question or two.

Bill!

I loved your response and dating with a stoma!

I have my better half, so really I am not in the dating arena (thank God, with or without a pouch).

Thank you for your wise words that can apply to our daily life, even more; they should be part of our lives…

You had the best teachers. Our pets not only give us love 24 hours a day but also share their wisdom with us, not to mention how funny they are and how much they bring us laughter, good mood, exercise, new friendships, and I could go on and on.

 

Thanks, Bill,

June Bug

I have been married 3 times. I have no regrets about my relationships. With all my relationships, I let them know from the get-go that I have an ileostomy and how I deal with it. I haven't been rejected even with relationships when I was not married. Maybe women are just more mature and understanding than men. Why didn't my relationships last? I was married to my first wife for 19 years, then she cheated on me. I was married to my second wife for 5 years, an 8-year relationship if you count prior. Her children were irresponsible and destructive, and I could not overrule my wife, especially when I was threatened by her daughter's boyfriend with a gun. When they turned 18, I kicked them all out. I was married to my third wife for 5 years, a 9-year relationship if you count prior. She was untrustworthy and a thief. As you can imagine, I am very cautious with any new relationships and not because I fear rejection. My past experiences speak more than having to worry about being rejected. You need to have some backbone and find an understanding and mature man!

Good luck! Mike

You make a good point assessing that women are more mature and understanding.

No argument there.

I have heard more of women being rejected on here than men being rejected, and reasons for that will be unfolding in member replies...3, 2, 1...

 

 

As hurtful as rejection can be, thankfully he cannot waste any more of your time. Actually, he did you a favor by immediately reflecting his true self. He showed you right away who he really is. Don't let one jerk make you doubt yourself. Anyone worth your time knows you have a heart above that ostomy bag and will want to get to know it.

Note to insensitive, rude people - don't let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you.

There are people out there who will love you for you. I am very blessed to be married to one of them. We were married when I had my ileostomy, but he hung in there with me through many health challenges before marriage. I saw him down on his hands and knees cleaning up the floor after one of my accidents. Told me all I need to know. I am no more special than anyone else - just fortunate that God put us on the same path.

I too almost died twice. Every day is a gift. You are a gift! Please don't be afraid to keep trying. The right person is out there waiting for you!

 

 

There is no rejection as hurtful as rejection from a fellow osty on a date. Two osties. This is real. It happened once that I heard of. Still relevant. Always possible.

So you're right back to ground zero. Thinking, what now?

Hi momfourus478. I'm a bit late to the 'party,' but just wanted to offer you my congratulations on your baptism into the world of ostomy dating! Better to let someone know sooner rather than later. Stomas are relatively small. No need to allow them to become the elephant in the room, so to speak. Medical science has given all of us on this site the ability to continue on our life's journey relatively unimpeded. Occasionally a bag breaks, a wafer leaks, or someone passes through our usual filters and ends up as a one-time date. So, simply clean up the mess, repair the leak, or date the next candidate who clears your initial filtration system...

Step in line, bro. I'm ahead of you by two others. 😉

I had no idea that there was such a place where you could buy cute lacy covers. My mom's friend made mine.

Thank you for the info.

Book the airline ticket and get to it then. 👍 Fly in mid-morning, rent a car, get your own room, and pick her up. Her town, her rules; go enjoy a day or two of doing things she likes and new things for you to experience. Whether or not it turns into anything is irrelevant; enjoy the company, relax, and live a little. 🤷‍♂️

What part of NC do you live in? I am yet to meet someone with a stoma close by.

Let me know if you are interested in chatting now and then to exchange experiences, hints, or ideas. I am new at this. My stoma is almost 3 months old.

Let me know.

June Bug

Yes, well expounded...

Opportunity favors those prepared...

The accidental sight of a pouch with a tank top was unfortunate - but I guess, like most things, whether it's a deal maker or breaker depends upon the circumstance.

 

Good luck Mom4

 

[I had my ostomy when I was 25... Husband and later soul mate partner had no issues with it... but like Rob says - education, understanding the psychology behind stuff is helpful...]

 

Confidence and realism are good bedfellows...

Love and fun need work and engagement.

 

~ ~ ~ Waves from the UK ~ ~ ~

 

Jayne

[An active 30-something flying close to her 70th... Have fun]

Another way of expressing what Alex is saying is that there has to be unconditional love of self before another can truly have unconditional love for you.

 

Confidence yes, understanding yes, not majoring on the unhelpful... but above all, just getting out and being in the moment is important too.

 

Hang-ups make for unnecessary heavy baggage, so the trick is don't collect weight as you journey.

 

BW

 

J

Hi June Bug, anytime you want to chat, message me. I sent you a message.

Hi momfourus478, I couldn't agree more with Dowdena. After many relationships with my ileostomy (all good by the way), I found all of them to be totally okay with my ostomy. However, as Dowdena said, I got to know them well before becoming intimate. I was very blessed that none were turned off by it. I like to think it was my positive attitude and self-confidence that won them over.

I agree. There is no need to tell someone all your business on the first date. Why was her bag cover showing? She did not explain. Timing is everything.

I was sitting and the cover of my bag was showing from the bottom of my shirt.

I was sitting and the cover of my bag was showing from the bottom of my shirt.

That's what I dread if I should have someone who wants to become a partner. People are so shallow and non-compassionate to accept health issues that are out of one's control. The person is still a human being with a health issue; if they can't accept the issue, they're not worthy of you or your time. I'm grateful to be alive and this saved my life. Life goes on; it's already done!

I agree wholeheartedly!