Dating with a bag - possible or not?

I had been with my ex-wife for 2 years before I got mine 7 years ago, and it ruined our sex life. She ended up leaving for a "healthy" guy, and I have not been able to date since. As soon as I bring it up to a potential sex partner, I never hear from them again or they politely tell me they hope I get better. This is a bag and the 7 surgeries, and my life sucks since getting this miserable parasite that hangs from my belly. I would love to be an optimist and tell you everything will be great, but my experiences have been anything but! Best of luck, it's a long, hard road to recovery, and hopefully, you find that one person who is able to see beyond the bag!

One man's miserable parasite is another man's lifesaver. What kind of message are you telegraphing to others who want to enter your life?

PB

Primeboy, I couldn't have said it better myself, I'm jealous I didn't say it. It is most unfortunate that InAZnLookin has this perspective. While his viewpoint is that the glass is half full, mine is overflowing. Due to this stupid thing, which is as ornery as the owner, I have met some fabulous people on this site. Only yesterday I was chastised for posting facetiously that the oncologist gave me another four months to live (next meeting with oncologist), she was actually very concerned assuming that I only had four months to live, this in spite of my picture of my t-shirt (see profile). I have talked to people young and old, and am surprised at the attitude I find in just about all of the young people I have met. When I first came on this site, I realized that it might be confusing to people with limited experience with computers, so I would send a message offering help should they need it. And what is more satisfying than receiving an answer months later letting me know that things are improving and "Thank You". What is better than meeting someone in Chat who is rather depressed and changing the view this person has to the point that now this person is mad at us because we made this person laugh. Another person replied to my message and asked me to forward a message containing an e-mail address, sorry admin. I did on condition I get an invitation to the wedding, (never thought I would be a match maker).

So if this is at the cost of holding the bag which has detached while in a store, or spending half an hour in the washroom in a garage cleaning my pants, or making sure I sit on a plastic bag on the seat in the car because the flange decided to part company, I just don't care. I would never have talked to people like Primeboy, Gutenberg, MMSH or been able to introduce myself to Eddie who was looking for a prick.

Be positive and you'd be surprised at the women beating a path to your door, but watch out for Tania from Ghana. :-)

Ed

PB - The message is, "My life sucks and it is all as a result of me deciding that after 30 years of UC, to go ahead and get the surgery I was always too vain to get at 43 years old. I finally met a person who could and would accept the bag. The bag came off during sex, intercourse, and oral. You can't tell that your self-confidence and sexuality aren't affected? I ask the question, how many of us post-ostomates have had and are still in the relationship we had when we had our surgeries? It isn't fun waking your partner up at 3 am to have to change the sheets because your bag blew, or going out to a nice dinner and a show only to have a hardware accident that doesn't ruin the evening and waste $300 because you can't use the tickets you bought because you're covered in sh*t? The bag sucks! We are all here because we are looking for guidance, suggestions, ideas, and hopefully honesty! It does no one any good to tell them it's going to be fine because reality is... It ain't!

A18, glad you're going to be around a little longer

I can't agree more with the people who say, "If they can't cope with it, then they aren't with it," but how many people do you have to start a relationship with only to find out after 2 dates that EVERYTHING is great except he/she is ostomophobic? So back to answer Pammers original post... What do others think? IMHO, I think dating may be possible but long-term relationships are a thing of the past for me and 90% of those who choose to share their stories on this site. :'(

Actually, I kinda liked the parasite comparison. Thought it was pretty clever. I refer to mine as the alien without teeth (you must have watched Alien to understand that comparison). While PB's quote makes sense, as does the fact that One Man's Trash was my Grandparent's treasure (Yes, trash day was one of their favorite days to go walking or riding around to see what treasures they could find. My first vacuum cleaner was a refurbished model Grandpa confiscated from someone's trash.) Not all of us can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some of us don't even see the rainbow. I hate this thing, whether it saved my life for awhile longer or not. I hate everything that goes with it. Not even mentioning what it does to the way some of my favorite tops/shorts look on me now.

Pammer was asking for our opinions, experiences, and thoughts. AZn got dumped because of his but has, obviously, tried to continue on with life and find another mate. You have to give him kudos for that. You can't blame him for his attitude or for giving his honest opinion on the matter. Or jump to the conclusion that he is possibly sending out negative vibes that are making women flee at the mention of his parasite. I can pull up many forum topics that state that very thing - someone has left someone, etc. etc. because of the bag. I doubt very much that it's the bag owner's fault that happened. I am a person who sees the glass half empty. And after it's sat for awhile, I will either fill it up or dump it. Depending on how long it has been sitting. We all have our ways of coping with life's little gifts. Some of us just really need to be pissed off about it for awhile.

Then you have sweet John McKenna (sorry if I misspelled) who does not have one but is so concerned in making his recent ostomate girlfriend understand how much he cares about her and think she's the sexiest woman in the universe, that he came on this site to ask for advice. Which lets us know, it is possible. As does many forum topics and many of the answers in this very topic. But the length of time it may take to find that someone can be very disheartening.

FYI - I am the person that got mad at Ed (Anon), daissy, and Midgey for making me laugh. I still hate the thing - it's getting easier to deal with as time goes on. But everyone that lives in this house with me does hear four-letter words coming from my bathroom quite often.

I also, somehow, attracted the attention of a very wonderful gentleman from this site that I have been speaking with on the phone the last few days. I am feeling like a schoolgirl again, and it's a very nice feeling.

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

There's an old saying about walking in another man's moccasins before advising him on bravery. I had 25 years of ulcerative colitis before dealing with surgery. I also had a long-term relationship with a loving woman who knew that the impact of an ostomy on our marriage would be manageable. Your situation is quite different, InAZ. Circumstances sometimes allow us to see the rainbow without the rain. Good luck in your efforts!

PB

If we date other ostomates, we can all date!

These postings always mystify me and make me curious about what kind of horrible people y'all must be meeting to have such crappy romantic experiences! Mine have been the complete opposite.

I was married when I first got an ileostomy, my husband at the time never cared. I wound up throwing him out myself because over the decade plus of our marriage he never held down a steady job and I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. It had nothing to do with my bag, and as a matter of fact he'd still take me back today. So there's that.

I wear a wrap I bought online during sex; that's my best advice to any ostomate - it covers AND secures the bag so that even if (God forbid) it became detached during sex it isn't going to leak everywhere or fall off. It also covers your scars and has a handy pocket to stow your pouch. They're even pretty :-)

Since I bounced my hubby I go out on dates all the time AND on occasion I've slept with some of the men I've dated. None of them were ostomates since... well... it isn't that common obviously. LOL. I tell everyone I meet I have an ostomy right off the bat because quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. And, it saves time. That hasn't deterred a single one from trying to take me out for dinner or drinks or even get in my pants.

I have never encountered a disgusted reaction from anyone; as a matter of fact, the reaction is usually admiration and they like me even more than they did before they knew. I think way too many people on this site dislike themselves (and more than likely did prior to the ostomy surgery as well, just now they have something to blame it on) and really some folks need to work on themselves as a whole. It hurts me to think that someone would loathe themselves because of a stupid ostomy when I know from personal experience there's absolutely no reason to feel that way, and that there are so many wonderful things about life to focus on rather than the negative things that we can't change.

I'm sorry, but I think you're being a little overly sensitive. The reason I think that there are too many people on this site that dislike themselves is because I've heard them say it, and I think it's unbelievably sad that anyone should feel that way. But I also think that many of them probably had pretty poor self-esteem to begin with because those who have a good sense of self-esteem can regain their positive body image quicker. I've seen it. I work in healthcare, and I've been around folks who received ostomies WAY before I did. So excuse me, but that isn't an opinion due to "self-centeredness," it comes from experience.

As a matter of fact, I've only had mine for a year and a half. So I have not had mine long either. I think that if you are, in fact, suffering from low self-esteem, depression, or any of the other mood-altering states that exist due to your ostomy surgery, then you do need to work on yourself. That means counseling, seeking professional help, etc. There's no reason anyone needs to live like that.

I don't *seem* to be fairly intelligent (cute little veiled insult there, lol); I am, and I know exactly what I'm talking about. If you put out there that you have this horrible, disgusting, awful thing on you that you HATE (as you say frequently, for example), then people are going to see it that way as well. If you were as intelligent as you think you are, you'd realize that. And you'd be able to learn how to adjust your clothing appropriately as well. I'm no stranger to leaks, I have them all the time. As a matter of fact, last night I went to a book signing and RIGHT BEFORE it started - surprise! Leak! So I spent the first 25 minutes in the bathroom changing my ostomy. But I had fun regardless because I chose to. I guess probably should have come on here and cried and whined about it, and maybe you would have liked me more? I don't know.

You have absolutely no idea how hard I worked to develop a positive outlook or how hard I had to work to develop a positive body image again, so don't you DARE ever attack me. Unlike you, I did not have time to get used to the idea beforehand or have an ideal surgery. Mine was done in an emergency because I was dying at 35, with three children behind me, and I had no idea I was going to wake up with an ostomy. Furthermore, I am entitled to my beliefs and opinions just as much as you, regardless of whether I hate the world like you do or I don't. I never said that someone's mate hadn't left them because of their ostomy, I know that happens - what I actually said was those people must be pretty horrible to do that. And more importantly, I never insinuated ANYONE was less of a person, so don't put words in my mouth again. If you want to quote me, then quote my actual words and don't try to manipulate them. That's a pretty cheesedog move of you, actually. The next time you'd like to try and deal a low blow, deal it to someone else.

It wasn't a cute little veiled insult. If I had intentions of insulting you, you wouldn't have to find it hiding in my words. I would have simply insulted you. I am as intelligent as I think I am, just as you think you are.

I don't know where it says, anywhere, that I had time to get used to the idea beforehand. I said in my post that you are entitled to your beliefs and opinions. But you have no right to lump people into the category of hating themselves or having no reason to be depressed because you have no idea what their life has been or is like. Just as you claim I have no idea how hard you may or may not have worked. I don't care if you are God. It doesn't matter to me where you have worked or what experience you have with other people. You can't possibly know everyone on this site and know or understand what they are going through. As for liking you or not, I have no opinion on that. I don't know you. I did not like your words.

The point I have is that in almost every post you write it seems like you are downgrading anyone who has a negative thought or attitude or simply hates their predicament at this moment and is trying to come to terms with it. You do this by saying how wonderful things have been for you and how wanted you are and how supercalifragilistic life is for you and you just can't understand why it isn't that way for everyone else. You start your posts out great with all kinds of nice things to give hope, but then you have to throw in how you just don't understand why some of us are so messed up (to put it nicely).

As for hating the world, I don't see where I have conveyed that anywhere either. I hate this appliance and the daily/nightly, sometimes, hourly maintenance that goes with it. But I don't hate my family or the new friends I've made here, and definitely not the gentleman that I am currently making future plans with.

I did quote your actual words, more than once. I did not manipulate anything.

I wasn't attacking you, I was defending those who are having a really hard time with this and did not need to read that they dislike themselves (and more than likely did prior to the ostomy surgery as well, just now they have something to blame it on) and really some folks need to work on themselves as a whole.

I've been working on myself for 40 years and still realize I can make a lot of improvements and learn something new every day. I doubt I will ever have all the answers, but I do try. That's all any of us are trying to find here.

As a matter of fact, you did try to insult me. Let's not pretend otherwise; just own it.

As for the rest of it, I never said anyone hated themselves or had no reason to feel depressed sometimes. I have NEVER said that. What I do say is to remember all the good things you have so you can keep moving forward and BEYOND those feelings, because it is more than possible. I'm not downgrading anyone or anything; I'm simply stating facts. Things are wonderful now that I can actually eat food and am not in constant pain anymore; I can deal with the rest of the not so pleasant parts. My disease was so awful that having an ostomy and all of the annoyances that go along with it is preferable. Yes, the opposite sex has been very receptive to me despite my ostomy. I'm not sure how you feel that is denigrating to anyone? It simply illustrates my point that just because you have an ostomy it doesn't mean people aren't going to find you a suitable partner; plenty of them will.

Any time you reply to anything I say it's with veiled sarcasm and almost an anger that I don't hate my ostomy as much as you hate yours. It seems as if you're more content to wallow in your hate of your stoma and you react very angrily to people that don't have that same reaction and I am not the only person I've seen you do it to. So yes, I do get the impression that you hate the world because that's how you come across. And yes, you did in fact manipulate my words and you are in fact attempting to put words in my mouth. I never said ALL people who are having a hard time dealing with ostomy surgery dislike themselves (that's the manipulation again) I said WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE dislike themselves. You can dispute that if you want but it's hard to do when people actually say those words.

I probably should have just kept my mouth shut because clearly you don't like to hear people who don't hate their ostomy voice that feeling. However, it was people who lived like I do and had the attitude I came to develop that saved my sanity. Personally, I find your attitude about as helpful to others as you find mine, if you want to know the truth of the matter.

And yes, you did attack me and I'd ask you to not do it again, considering I haven't attacked you, nor have I ever attacked anyone here (and wouldn't) until you forced me to defend myself this evening.

Oh my, "Can't we all just get along?"

Hi Gar

"No!", I say with a scowl on my face, bottom lip stuck out, arms folded in front of me, stomping my right foot on the floor.

Actually, I am over it. I had my say, it's done, life goes on.

Drinks are on me!

Z

P.S. Not sure if you are referring to Rodney King, song lyrics, or something from a book or movie - but it works.

Life's a little too short to be mad at anything other than your stoma if it misbehaves. It was Rodney or my last family reunion. Only had to call the cops twice this time.

Had to log in to see if you were from my neck of the woods. Police and family get-togethers are the norm around here. For some reason, the redneck gene passed me up (thank the Lord), so I just sit on the porch and enjoy the show. Unless it migrates to the porch, then I go into my room and lock the door.

Hmmmmm.  Are we "lumping certain people into a category"? I am just curious since you seemed to go ballistic earlier in this thread for that reason. Here are your exact words.

"But you have no right to lump people into the category "

I am a redneck and curious if I should take offense or not?

Oh oh, Zywie now you have done it. Gerald is good at finding contradictions, I know, but his heart is in the right place, so just admit it, there is a bit of a redneck in that pretty face.

Ed

Hey MMSH,

Actually, I was lumping my family into a certain category in response to Gar's comment about his family reunions. Which made me laugh but good call on your part, keep me on my toes.

To clarify, there isn't one person in my family from this area (man or woman) that isn't afraid to throw the first and last punch or that is worried about the police showing up during it. They are all on a first name basis with the local officials. I managed, somehow, to evade the thirst for physical, ummm, shall we say, recreational activities (if I use the word I was thinking of I probably would have caused another heated debate, and I don't want to at the moment). I am not afraid, as some have seen, to get into an argument over something I believe in or over some wrongdoing that I believe has happened. But I don't throw blows. (Except to slap Ed when he needs it.)

I can't tell you if you should take offense or not. I didn't mean to offend anyone, and I apologize profusely to all rednecks out there.

If we lived closer I'd bring ya' over a 12-pack, MMSH, to make amends. Am I forgiven?

Lol....excellent reply. My family tries to refrain from public fighting...except at high school or grade school sporting events.

I rarely drink, but a can of Copenhagen and a box of 22 rifle shells would go a long way to smoothing things out.

Lol, and I suspect Ed needs a slapping every once in a while, just use a light touch, as really he is a good guy.

Peace all

I think we all have a little redneck in us. I can see mine sticking out through my belly. Typical redneck, always spouting off in public, doesn't care who he offends.

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahaaaaaa

Another belly laugh, thanks Gar.

Only cost you a 6 pack. Well, 3 cans. Have a brother that lived on a pig trail in a trailer around Pensacola in '72. He is a redneck still. Lives in Orlando now.

Ah, cheap date. Well, the beer would be for you as I don't like it. I'm a whiskey girl. But haven't been doing too much of that since the surgery. Though I did have a few drinks after discussing things with Sinfulsot one day, and it was nice. :)

Woohooooo! Your brother made it to the big city! However, I wouldn't live in Orlando if someone paid me. I don't mind little towns, but hate big cities.

Anyone see this.

https://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/aspiring-models-bikini-pic-colostomy-bags-goes-viral-195000147.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuYI1ZkF01U

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/jessica-grossmans-uncover-ostomy-campaign-empowers-people-with-crohns-disease-to-live-fulfilled-lives/story-fneuzlbd-1226978768825

No, I didn't but thanks.

Anyone with an ostomy can date..... I have had my ostomy since age ten....was married for ten years then divorced because the temptations of the young neighbor girl won the scene and of course nothing is ever the same once someone cheats, especially for over three years.....yowza.....but until that point it was and seemed as normal a marriage as any ...intimately and otherwise...... I attempted to try a new relationship a few times with dates since that divorce back in the 1990's, but the few boyfriends I dated I had to let go, they were not right for me.

I'm still sitting alone, but by choice.....I do miss intimacy but I won't take part in it unless there is a serious relationship or commitment involved, but that's just me.......having a bag doesn't mean intimacy cannot be wonderful and pleasurable, especially if the focus is on each other ...and not on the bag.

For both ostomates and their intimate partners, when you get close just relax and snuggle.....so lovely when it all begins with a snuggle.....and the feel of that person's warmth and energy.....maybe a massage and gentle touches.....allow things to happen naturally no different than if you didn't have a bag.....if you cannot help your partner feel comfortable with serious discussion about what things make them uncomfortable or squeamish, try humor into the situation and lighten the mood and find fun playful ways to cover that area up......sometimes partners adjust, and sadly other times they do not.....

Being intimate and close to another person is very important on so many levels....we need that as humans.....it's even proven to be quite healing.....all souls need that closeness and should not be denied that.........someone in my position as an example choosing to wait for Kingdom Come and the right man, well that's another story LOL .........but to my Osty Brothers and Sisters out there.....never feel bad about having an ostomy and never let it stop you from doing anything.....and don't fault YOURSELF if you have a partner who becomes uncomfortable with the situation......if counseling or any other method of trying to comfort your partner and work through it doesn't work....don't allow it to bring you down as if you are unworthy of that love and affection.....it is a problem within that partner, even if that partner is a wonderful person, the reaction is theirs....but you are not any less worthy of that intimacy...........

I ramble......sorry......and it's been a long day so I hope that all made sense.......every word said with sincerity and love...........just carry on everyone, the best you can.......

There's an old expression, .... "life is a dance, sometimes the music changes but the important thing is, we must always keep on dancing" )

Everybody's Sister DOE :)

Yes, I did. But thanks, Gar. :)

Actually, I did not respond to this here because I saw you posted it elsewhere and got responses. I saw the one Ed posted too.

Laters

I've had my bag for just over a year, of course you can date, but then again I was seeing someone who knew me before my operation and didn't have a problem with it. I thought it would be hard to have sex, but no, it was all good! :-P