Why me? Coping with life after an ostomy.

Hi Walk, I struggled with the question for years before I could simply accept that this is now my life. My operation was a total surprise. The worst symptoms lasted only weeks before I woke up with this thing. I had no time to prepare for my future reality; it just arrived on my doorstep. One year of college to go. Ready to start my life and boom! No life, like a black hood dropping over my existence. I was bitter, very angry, pissed at my own body for the way it attacked me out of the blue. I had taken good care of it, never did drugs (a joint on weekends or a few beers). I rode my bike many miles every day. I worked heavy construction every summer to pay for school, no loans. I fed my body properly and treated it with respect, and this was the thanks I got! It was eating my colon alive and trying to kill me; boy, was I pissed! At my own body for doing this to me. I was given Vicodin to make my J-Pouch work better; it worked very well, but it took more and more of it to work for me. When I stopped that, I was shitting broken glass; agony for years. Why me was always on my mind. I'm not religious, so I could not blame God or ask him/her for help, or ask God, why? I was lost for a while and terrified of the future I was facing alone. Why would any woman want me? If the tables were turned, honestly, would I be able to handle it if the shoe were on the other foot? I had to answer honestly, probably not. Therefore, I could not blame any woman if she rejected me; I would not blame her at all. I had to accept a life alone, without the love and touch of a woman. I knew nobody who had an ostomy, nobody who could relate to my feelings or frustrations. I too was broken, and nothing could fix that; if I had a million dollars in my bank, it would not fix this and give me my life back! I finally simply accepted it. The feelings of loneliness come and go, and my wonderful family keeps me going. I found the right bags, flange, and Micropore tape to prevent leaks. I swim regularly, ride a bike when my ass allows it, use my rowing machine when my ass allows. I travel quite a bit, on the cheap I hasten to add, got family all over the US. I can travel to Europe from my native Ireland on low-cost airlines (Ryanair). I enjoy life now. I don't care anymore if someone does not like me; I am what I am! Take it or leave it! I swim with my shirt off, in the ocean, the pool. I get a tan with my swim trunks and no shirt. My baggy half exposed. I really don't care if someone gives me the look, disgust, embarrassment; whatever, that's their problem, not mine! By the way, I never get comments and almost never get a funny look. If I accidentally meet some open-minded lady, so be it; if not, I will survive and enjoy my survival. When I go back to Ireland next week, I have a shitload of work to finish on my little house. Finishing my new kitchen and dining will keep me busy, just walls and insulation now. I will finish it eventually, hopefully by the end of 2016. This is my focus now. I never ask why anymore because there is no satisfactory answer, none that will help! As DeNiro would say, "It is what it is!" Accept it. I still miss a woman's touch, but hey, I'll survive. The final straw was losing a dear online friend because she could never accept her new life, just could not cope with it and could do little to help herself. She allowed herself to succumb to the misery that this nag causes us all. She did not kill herself; in the end, her surgeon's mistake accomplished that task all by himself by cutting something he should not have cut. That cut ended her fear, her terror of, and hate for the bag. As a man once said, "I will not go quietly into that dark night." I'll be fighting tooth and nail. Took me years. Literally, I hope you achieve it sooner, Walk. All my best wishes for your future and, as a wise San Francisco politician once said, "Don't let the bastards get you down." Eamon/Magoo

Hi Eamon, what a great post, truly from the heart. I hear you and posted on this thread previously. I too was very healthy, living life to the fullest and my body began to fail me as well. I blame it on a spoiled hamburger that I ate at a summer picnic. But, whatever caused this autoimmune problem could not be cured and I too was left with a stoma. Some days I am okay with it and live my life as I did previously. Other days it scares me to death because I start to ask the what ifs....What if something else happens, what if, what if, what if. Then, the what ifs are accompanied by why did this happen to me? Pretty difficult mix of feelings...the frightened and the sad. I try to keep positive and when I am feeling good, I take advantage of the positive. It is the only way for me. When I get sluggish and into my head, I do my best to put it in drive and go....I am not certain where I am going but I go somewhere, the store, market, a walk, the florist, etc. Take care Eamon and everyone. We are not alone in this journey as we have each other to share, offer suggestions and smile. I thank God for this site every day. LH

To all who responded to walk, Rosiesmom here. I am currently enjoying the month of October in a rented condo on Crescent Beach, St. Augustine. My friend from home (Edinburgh) is here, as well as my beloved hubby, Tony. Sons and grandkids arrive on Sunday. I had a hemorrhage on Thanksgiving Day from an unknown rectal tumor (cancer), and the following day I was told I had cancer. I thought my life could be over soon. I went through chemo, radiation, surgery, and gave birth to Rosie. More chemo, and my rectum was sewn closed. Regrets? Perhaps only for my own fear that prevented me from seeking help sooner. However, that is in my rearview mirror. It affords me nothing to wonder "what if." I live now. And only now. I had a great month in Europe with my whole family, and now I am here. I love Rosie. She is a part of me, and anyone who is ever disgusted by her or embarrassed when she becomes vocal (lol) is not important in my life. My 4-year-old granddaughter knows about her. Is she bothered? No. It is how Grammies goes potty. Enough said. We are unique, we are strong, we are a part of an elite group: SURVIVORS. Yeah for us. Love to all. Rosiesmom

Rosiesmom just kinda enlightened me. We are strong, somewhat unique and, certainly, survivors. I guess we tend to forget how far we've come, what we've learned, what we've shared and the energy it took to get where we are. Yup, we are special and I'm gonna try to remember that. Thanks, Rosiesmom. Mike

Me too!

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Hey everyone, for some reason I can't get back into my account. I started this blog and have come a long way since I wrote it. My new screen name is walk6076....get ready for some amazing updates.

Hey Walk, I've been following this thread since your first post back in May. I'm wondering how you're doing now: what trials and tribulations you've been through, what discoveries you've made, and how you're feeling about life now. So update me already!

Hi Walk6076, I can't wait to hear how things are going too. Take care! LH

Well, I see they've changed the rules since I started my first blog. I'm not going to be on here long. I think we need to start a Facebook group. Let me know if you're game. Send me your FB name. Here's my update. I was in so much pain when I started this blog. It was unbearable, but I chose not to complain. I only asked God for three things. The ability to walk/run again, to be able to exercise, and to sing again. I'm proud to say that I have now done all of the above, with last night being the first time I've sung publicly since my surgery. Having this hole in your stomach changes things. All of my pain subsided the last weekend in June. For the first time since my surgery, I can truly say that I'm happy. I thank you all for all of your support, comments, and kicks in the pants. I'm Tony D. Christon-Walker on Facebook. Just hit me up and tell me you know me from here.

Hi Walk, happy to hear you are in such a good physical and emotional place. I have thought of you often. Keep up the oddities, how about a vocal post, would love to hear you. I don't Facebook so please log in from time to time. You have come a long way, baby. Lol yours, Rosiesmom

Hey Tony, I don't do Facebook, so I'll look for you on The Voice. Pick Blake or Pharrell. Keep it going, and thanks for sharing.
Mike

Hello everyone, my name is David and I've had my ostomy since December this year. I am finally getting used to it, but it makes me feel very unmanly if you can understand that.

Hey there David, I have had my colostomy since January 2014. I can understand how you can have those feelings, but just remember that your colostomy is just a scar from your fight with a killer. You won that fight, you are still here and the cancer is gone. That's how I keep myself positive. Stay strong and positive.

Hi David, it is definitely emasculating to look down and see your plastic friend... that is simply a fact of life. To be honest, it will put a damper on intimacy for most people, from what I've read from people. Your body image is changed forever, but this is real life, so you adjust eventually. Dating is a whole other story, usually not a pretty one! As Medic says, just try to stay positive, and you will have some bad days, but hang in there, and it gets better.

Well... it's not that easy for a chick either... I have had this ileostomy since 10/2010... it's a bitter pill to swallow - no pun intended since I have scleroderma with esophageal problems... but there are people out there that will see beyond our physical issues.

Hi, I live in Las Vegas and would like to hear from anyone (age at least 65) regarding their ostomy. Magoo looks like a possibility. Is anyone out there from Las Vegas, Mesquite, or surrounding areas? I would like your email address if possible. Thanks. Cabbage. I look forward to hearing from anyone. I had my ostomy on 3/14 and hernia surgery on 5/15.

Walk. I had ostomy in Nov. 23 of last year due to bowel perforation a doctor overlooked. I had four surgeries in two days, many infections, massive blood loss, and when I woke up in ICU, they had "day of death" on the board. She wanted a divorce and was cheating on me. I am on my own now, getting ready to try to get back in college, off 1/2 meds, lost 112 pounds and still losing. I look great, feel great, still trying to figure out ostomy stuff too. I have a Facebook group if interested. Keep your head up, chin up, and bag tight. Talk to you soon.

You have such a positive attitude for having so recently gone through so much. I am currently struggling with several physical problems, some the doctors are still trying to diagnose. What gives you inspiration?

I learned a long time ago you've got to fight in this old world. God has a purpose for me or he could have taken my life a very long time ago. I'm meant to find that purpose and use it.

So true.

Hi LadyHope, Labrat said it all.

LadyHope,
My email said you had a comment for me, but I can't seem to find it. A computer guru I am not!

Hi Cabbage, thank you for the email. I did comment on the previous post regarding life has a purpose. Hope you are well. Thank you for reaching out. Have a nice week. LH

Hi, I was having a bit of a struggle this morning due to news that I need another surgery for a hernia, but after finding you and reading your posts, I'm stronger because even though the initiation for this club we are all in was horrible and the monthly dues can range from easy to terrifying, our membership is loaded with mind-blowing physical, emotional, and spiritual victories. Thank you one and all for your candid stories. To triumph apparently means something a little different to each of us. The common denominator is sharing in order that it could possibly help another soul, and at this point, I just wanted to be a part of it. I had a colon perf, peritonitis, and sepsis in June, then resection in Sept with an anastomotic leak, so emergency colostomy. My surgeon, looking at the stoma in ICU the next morning, dubbed it beautiful and said he took pride in all his stoma creations - that they were like kids to him. So with raised eyebrows and a little tongue in cheek, the nickname 'Beautiful' has stuck. The definition of beautiful has changed for me and is still a very tough battle. Now my Arsenal contains quotes from medic361 and labrat that bear repeating: "Colostomy is just a scar from your fight with a killer...you won that fight" and "You got fight in this old world" "Head up, chin up, and bag tight". Peace.

We all have days of the blues. Trust me... Today has stunk for me. I'm fighting my ex in court over my 15-year-old daughter. No one believes that my ex is abusive, but the police keep getting repeat calls back. Plus, now there's a hotline for abuse from the school. It makes me mad that I have no money to fight it, just the will to keep trying and living.

Thank you for all of the posts. They are inspiring. LH

Thanks to Dr. Osas for curing my husband from colon cancer. If you are having any kind of sickness, diseases or virus, kindly contact him because he can help you get rid of your problem. He is a God sent to save the people.
Contact Dr. Osas on doctorosasherbalhome@gmail.com or call him on +2348112252378

These are all older comments, if you are still in this group I would love to hear how things are going.

Hi all, I had my colonoscopy operation in 2008, and life is great since I invented my own bagless system 7 years ago.

And my quality of life has improved by 200%. Email me for more info at mark@glanvill.co.za.