How to disclose an ostomy to a new partner?

Not at all, CD. You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder. We digress beyond reason at almost every opportunity. So, my question is, why stop now?

Back in the 50's there was a very popular tune called "Among My Souvenirs." I am sure you remember it well. Vera Lynn, Judy Garland and, later, Connie Francis all kept it on the Hit Parade for years. Anyway, there was an alternate version of the lyrics that describes the plight of a fellow who found out about his lover's physical exceptionalities a little late in their relationship. This unfortunate situation clearly relates to the primary theme in our current thread: "open communications early on."    I think Spike Jones was behind this version which I am sure you'll enjoy.

She took out her glass eye
Her false teeth on the sly
And gently laid them down
Upon the chiffonier
Her lovely wooden leg
She hung upon a peg
And oh my eye was filled
With many a bitter tear

Her lovely golden hair
She hung upon the chair
And what was left of her
Slipped in between the blankets.
I looked at her and said
"Don't think I'll come to bed
I'll stay out here instead
Among my souvenirs"

Not altogether off track!

Wait a minute while I gather my thoughts.

So take a brief to ensure that you wait to take out your glass eye and false teeth.
Her lovely wooden leg would surely have been a giveaway but then again......

Nothing here is probably off track but deceiving people probably is.

I really adore people who intend to deceive from the word go. It really has an entrancing effect and ensures that the person I am attempting to touch base with is instantly out the door due to their totally inconsiderate action in being so untruthful.

If you meet someone and you feel you may need to have a relationship with them, let them know. If they are not truthful with you, do you really think they were the people for you?

I am not an unabashed exemplar of attention deficit, ooh look, there's a chicken!

Well said DG, I'm with you. I always say right from the start, "I'm a bag man." It's a personal choice whether you tell someone the first time you meet them or not. There is no right or wrong way, just what's right for you at the time. But talking about it with a sense of humor helps to make someone who doesn't know anything about ostomies feel at ease. From over 20 years of experience, most people say, "Is that all it is?"

I thought this was a forum where we can all say what we think?

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

I can see it, Lobster...

Sorry for the double post. I am not sure why it did so.

Hi Kenny T,

I am not totally sure about that. I, and this is not unique to me I am sure, met someone who I thought was right for me until I realized that she was totally delusional and psychotic (oops, is that redundant?). Stay well, Kenny T.

X_

Glad to see I ruffled some feathers out there in Ostomy land!! Love the Jaws setting PB!! And "Among My Souvenirs" AWESOME!! And the mighty X comment as well!! Panther experience DOES count, if you can't have a sense of humor about the poop leach, you will never get past it, and it will cripple anything you try to do in life from relationships to careers!! "I can't do this because..... I can't do that because...." It's all a state of mind!!! YOU CAN!!... You just have to try.....oh one more thing...fastballs are my specialty!!

I think that it is always better to just be honest right at first and do it with a sense of humor! And if someone cannot handle it well then... they just aren't the one for you...

=)
J.J

I've had my temporary ileostomy for four months and believe I'll have it at least for the following six months, maybe a year, maybe forever.

I just recently started seeing somebody. For my advantage, I knew him already since last year, so before my operation. He was a friend I met via work. We were not close, but had some nice encounters a few times. Anyway, two weeks ago we met again at one concert. I realized that he was interested in me more than as a friend. And of course, I liked him. So, after the concert, we went for a drink and I said, I should tell him something... So, I told him carefully that I was in the middle of a pipe repair... And then of course in a more serious way what it is about. He took it very well. Asked all kinds of straightforward questions and told me it's the feeling that counts. And then he kissed me for the first time after that chat. Now things have progressed and I can say, he meant it - it does not matter, at least not in the big picture. I feel we can now learn to know more about each other in peace and see how serious this encounter will go... Life will show.

I do believe that if someone is freaked out about such a thing as a stoma, or just can't handle it, he/she is not the right person for you to be around. Our illnesses teach us a lot about priorities in life, what really matters. If the other person is not even close to being on the same level with that kind of understanding, your paths are not meant to merge maybe to teach you something but not to merge.

If you can hear your own heart, you can hear his as well.

Good luck, everybody. Let's be proud of who we are.

Lumme,

That was wonderfully said from the heart. Thank you.

X_

Sorry, very different for me. My wife left me over this. I have had my ileostomy for 2 1/2 years. I have met some that it doesn't matter, but for the most part it does. Good luck to everyone out there, just be honest with yourself.

Not at all, CD. You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder. We digress beyond reason at almost every opportunity. So, my question is, why stop now?

Back in the 50's there was a very popular tune called "Among My Souvenirs." I am sure you remember it well. Vera Lynn, Judy Garland and, later, Connie Francis all kept it on the Hit Parade for years. Anyway, there was an alternate version of the lyrics that describes the plight of a fellow who found out about his lover's physical exceptionalities a little late in their relationship. This unfortunate situation clearly relates to the primary theme in our current thread: "open communications early on."    I think Spike Jones was behind this version which I am sure you'll enjoy.

She took out her glass eye
Her false teeth on the sly
And gently laid them down
Upon the chiffonier
Her lovely wooden leg
She hung upon a peg
And oh my eye was filled
With many a bitter tear

Her lovely golden hair
She hung upon the chair
And what was left of her
Slipped in between the blankets.
I looked at her and said
"Don't think I'll come to bed
I'll stay out here instead
Among my souvenirs"

PB-

This made me think of a song by the late George Younce......a wonderful parody sung to the tune of "Side by Side!"    


The words go something like this:

We got married last Friday
My girl was right there beside me
Our friends were all gone
And we were alone...
Side by Side.

We were so happily wed, when
she got ready for bed, then...
Her teeth and her hair
She placed in a chair
Side by Side.

One glass eye so tiny
One hearing aide so small
Then she took one leg off
and placed on the chair by the wall....

I sat there broken hearted
Most of my girl had departed
I slept on the chair....there was more of her there....
SIDE BY SIDE!    

This was meant solely as something to make us smile....not to insult or make light of a sensitive and powerful subject/thread.    Sometimes we need a laugh to get us through the day!

Darla

So what I can gather, Prime is taking out your glass eye and false teeth along with a wooden leg is fine but informing someone on initial contact that you have an ostomy is not?

I may be confused here??

I suppose that being up front and truthful may be the best policy concerning the bag, especially on the first date. But would you be honest enough to tell your date on the first date, especially if it were a dinner date, that you hope they understand, but you are suffering from an acute case of diarrhea?
So, as I have said before, if you don't plan to go from the supper club directly to the motel there is no reason to "confess" on the first date that you are wearing the bag. If you are a woman having your period, do you feel it necessary to confess that too?

No, let it ride for a couple of times. It may break off for some reason other than the bag, anyway.

The one thing for sure is for you to exude confidence and conduct yourself in all situations like it is "no big deal"! That is what I have been doing for 18 months. Also, I have worn an 'ace' bandage wrapped around it with the woman I am seeing now. She wouldn't mind if I didn't. In fact, she is curious about it. I tell people "it's just a small opening, and I have like a bandage over it. Some people have said to me, "isn't there like a tube".

In other words, like many things in life, we usually conjure up a scenario that is much worse than reality. People's thoughts and emotions take over and replace reality. Try to find and be with people who are open, calm, cool, compassionate types; and when dating, people who have experienced some adversity in some form in their life. These kinds of people are evolved and will, in my view, be more able to understand and accept.

KEY: Act at all times like 'it's a piece of cake' and has no adverse effect on anyone other than what is in their minds. Just more challenging in certain ways. Like millions of others with other conditions who have partners and date.

Right on!!!

No confusion, Kenny.    Prime's comments just reminded me of that little parody.....as folks have surmised here, the "right" time to tell someone about your ostomy really lies in the eye of the beholder.    SigmoidFreud's comments pretty much sum things up for me.

Darla

Bag drag,

Sigmund also said "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

X_

Very true, Xerxes.

I recently told a female friend that I have an ileostomy. Her response:
"Oh, so you have outdoor plumbing?"

I loved that!

Wonderful response!  And a wonderful friend, too!

Darla

Hi all

I have been reading some of these responses and they are good. My question is, how many people are in a good relationship? How many people tell white lies? Maybe we have been in relationships where we keep little secrets. All habits we have to change. For the first time in our life, we have to be upfront and honest, a bit like a poker game. You have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them, and know when to run.

I went on this dating site and put a profile on there, and I was honest in saying that I really love home-cooked meals. So, I hope you can cook, and that I have grandkids that will keep you busy as well, and in between, you will be busy cleaning up after me. See, now I just have to tell them about the ostomy. You would not believe the responses I received. Most of the women were happy that I am so honest, then I tell them about cleaning the fish! Most are still in. LOL. Most of all, I am meeting new people with something in common, in that we are all looking for a relationship. I am single though, so maybe I should stick to the white lies, like a very tall 5'7" full of energy or s%$t. Do you see the bag as half full or half empty? Kinda sh t.

Like your comment, Xerxes. Gee07.

I think telling all must be down to how well you can take rejection if it comes, and it will with some people. Age of the person and how well you know them. For me, I would never tell early on in a friendship. If that person should decide to walk away and knowing some personal information on you, they may not keep it to themselves. It's fine if you don't mind others knowing, but if you are thinking of telling or not, then you do mind. So then it is a case of only telling those you want to know. There are ways for a female to hide the bag with clever sexy underwear, so if it's a hot time you are after, then you don't need to say anything. This comment is to all in general. Gee07

Thank you so much "X". However, since everyone is expressing an opinion on this subject in an un-antagonistic manner, I fail to see what the point is of trying (unsuccessfully, I might add) to demean me or anyone else for their expressions. Thank you very much!

Check out my comment at the end of the last page of this subject.

Comes to mind a quote, taken completely out of context, and I might add I take a certain license with, from Winston Churchill,

"Never before, have so many, done so little, for so few, with so much"

An old golfing buddy of mine, who was so much better at the sport than I, once admonished me

that "unsolicited advice was the most useless commodity in the world"

In my final comment to the lady in question: You will have to figure it out for yourself.

I wish you well and good luck in your endeavor.

Christiesdad,

Perhaps you should spend less time in front of the mirror and listening to playbacks of your own voice and read more intensely. My comment to which you refer was made to Primeboy's lyrics that he posted from Spike Jones. It had nothing to do with the theme of the posting. So, put down your poison pen and lighten up and reread my post.

X_

X,
You were right. I did miss that your remarks were directed to PB's post. I guess I really put my foot in my mouth. I will be more careful and observant from now on.

I really appreciate your admonishment and advice. I will only look in the mirror from now on when someone tells me I should... however, I don't quite know what you meant by "read more intensely"?