Dating with a bag - possible or not?

People on here are so goddamn miserable! Poor me, I've got a bag no one understands. Get a grip, people. Just be glad you're alive! Bags are better than a box!

Hey 1985, I seldom disagree with opinions from posters here except when it concerns religion, creation, evolution, morality, empathy, selfrightiousness, selp pity, and a dozen or so other things.  I usually don't reply though.  I wait, read more and eventually I understand the writer better and learn from her or him.  I might still disagree but find it much easier to accept their side of it.  Your suggestion regarding our misery is way wrong.  Sure we have our moments and sometimes we get really pissed and even condemn the Big Guy for "doing" this to us but you know what, we come back to reality, get back on the forum, find some folks who really need help, give them our best offering and we all feel a little better in the end.  There are some bright caring folks here who are so generous with their time and effort and they are ostomates.  They have hearts and souls and jump at the chance to eliminate others' miseries.

Stick around, check us out and see if you don't get to respect our attitudes and efforts.

Sincerely,.

Mike

Hang on a minute, I'm not in any way being nasty with what I said! I'm a caring person after all, I'm a single mother! I understand people get down, depressed, and say "why me," but at the end of the day, life is what you make it! Smile, hold your heads up high! And again, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone!

Hi again 1985.  You certainly don't owe me an apology and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Respectfullyu,

Mike

Hmmmmm should I or shouldn't I? That is the question. Oh hell, why stop now.

I must say this: this is probably the "only" place some of us have to vent our anger over this. Some of us didn't have problems for years that this surgery resolved. It was sudden, unexpected with no time to contemplate what it meant in the long run. Or if we are just having a really shitty day (no pun intended) the people on here are willing to listen to us rant. Some even make us feel better by saying, "Yeah! I know exactly how you feel." This isn't just a feel-good site. It's our place to come and feel comfortable with people in our situations and get things out that we can't with the people in our everyday lives. It doesn't mean we walk around like that 24/7, just means at this time we are and need to reach out.

If I had not found this site, I may not be here. I let out all my nasties and some very wonderful people reached through the internet waves and nabbed me and made me smile. If I would have gotten responses from everyone like what you wrote up there, I'd have never come back and would have not searched further for answers and help.

I believe that's what Mike was saying too. Every day is not sunshine and roses. There are rainy days too. We need someone to open their umbrella and walk with us at those times. Not tell us we are silly for crying in the rain.

I'm sure you're a wonderful person. We really aren't miserable, we just feel comfortable here. If you sit and read the forums for a while, you will see there are some very intelligent, funny, happy, caring people here.

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Hi everybody

( Moonshines ) Spot on, your reply just concluded all my thoughts in a short sentence.

I am gonna drop some knowledge here, so please feel free if you do like it or dislike it

It seems that girls, women, females or whatever you call them on this website are looking for George Clooney with an ostomy

Guys, gents or similar creatures on here are also looking for Cinderella with an ostomy

Would also like to highlight some trendy words by some ostomates. When it comes to dating on this website, please don't say I am looking for someone to date from the same boat without meaning it.

I thought I would find people on here who would help each other not to sink in the ocean of dating misery, but the truth is that people on here are striving to stay afloat by using other ostomate as a swimming aid.

So, for people who claim on their profile "I am open to talk or chat with anyone" and then don't reply even when a contact email is been provided in the message ( F--K U ALL FOR NOT spending 2 minutes in acknowledging respond ;) (SELL OUTS fully applies to u lot)!!

People..... Realistically, it is much easier to convey how you feel, whatever it's because of the ostomy or a relative health condition to an ostomate than a stranger who knows NILL in medicine.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR OF SOMEONE WHO GOT ALONG WITH AN OSTOMATE FROM THIS WEBSITE AND IF IT is (0) WHICH I'M SURE ABOUT IT, THEN, THIS WHOLE DATING OPTION IS AN EXPLICIT SCAM AND CLEARLY PLAYS ON PEOPLE'S INSECURITIES AS A MARKETING TOOL.

Having said that, this website is a great source of knowledge and you can actually chat with some really nice people on the chat forum or the chat room, who are happy enough if they make you feel better by any sorts and means. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO ITS UGLY OPTION OF DATING, DON'T BE LIKE ME AND FOOL YOURSELF ANYMORE

If you can prove me wrong; as this website has successful stories in dating ( 5 successful ones at least) I'm deleting this reply and also posting an apology instead, and if it's true think about it for a minute.

Sorry for being long

Love you all

Hi Darrius, try not to allow a member's non-response to affect you too much as some members no longer or infrequently check their messages.

Here's a video introducing a guy who seems to have mastered the art of feeling happy even though many would not be able to enjoy a life like his:

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I'd love to talk with you! I'm having a rough time dating not only because of my bag, but because I have a sister that is determined to commit infidelity with anyone I date! What have been your experiences? What do you want out of life? How about traveling? Have you traveled? To where? Do you, or can you travel now? Where would you like to go? Doing what activities once there? As far as dating, which I don't know if you are, I think it is better with another ostomate. But they may easily stray if a non-ostomate seduced them, depending on the person, the ostomate, and the situation. What have been your experiences? I hope you write back soon on this blog. We want your feedback, advice, and suggestions. Some ostomates do not want to date another ostomate. To me, it all depends on how well one is respected, treated, and pampered in the relationship!

I am in no way trying to be mean, Spiritual Living, but Darious is 24 and I believe his comments were more directed at the girls (women) that he has messaged trying to get to know to see if a dating situation would arise. NONE have messaged him back even to say "Hello, thanks for your interest." While you are still a good-looking woman, you are not exactly in his age group for dating. Plus, you mentioned some ostomates don't want to date another ostomate..... then they shouldn't be on this site checking the little box that they are looking for a relationship. As for your sister, she needs a good slap, but in lieu of that thinking you are a pacifist, at least a good tongue lashing. Another thought, if the men are supposed to be dating you but easily end up in bed with your sister - I'd be rethinking the kind of men you are picking to date.

Darious, I would love for you to have to delete your message and apologize. But, even though I have gotten several gentlemen messaging me (which I ALWAYS reply, even if to say "just want to be friends" - has nothing to do with looks, has to do with things in their profile I just know won't work with me) I have to agree with you. I know you have been on this site long enough that SOMEONE should have replied to you. You are not the first young man I know on this site that has the same problem. He messages every new person that comes on here, particularly the girls in his age group, just telling them he'd like to be friends and is willing to talk any time. None reply to him either. He's the sweetest man, intelligent, funny, cute. After reading your profile and what you wrote up there, you are intelligent and, to me (I know I'm older, but I am still a female) handsome, and I have chatted with you several times in chat and you have made me laugh and are interesting. I don't get it either. Especially if they have looking for "friends" just want someone to talk with, my age, that understands. I didn't know there was a criteria for friendship.

Mainly, I agree with what you said and I'm glad you posted it. Just not sure the right people will see it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRLS????!!!! YOU ARE PASSING UP MEN THAT YOU SAY YOU WANT TO KNOW!!! Geez, they're even confident enough to contact you first, there's guys my age won't do that.

Also, you shouldn't blame this site for people's lack of courtesy. The site is only a tool, you know this. The site is not a scam.

I can tell you I had met someone on here and it looked like we were going to end up "happily ever after". But he disappeared on me and I have no idea what happened. I am only hoping he is well. I don't know if that counts as one of your 5, but it's the best I can do for now.

HUGS!

Hi everybody

Thanks for your replies and as I said, I accept all of them.

-Three- thanks for your advice- you almost got it right. I am already striving to start my own thing. I am planning to launch a new service for students by September. Hopefully, I keep the passion up there because that's how I survive nowadays.

-Spiritual living- it sucks having a sister like that, whatever people you do like to date; I would be absolutely wrecked if I were in your situation. What's yours is yours, no matter how old, how big, how tall or if it even was an alien from space :D:D:D

I haven't got much experience in relationships but dating. I am sure you know much more than I do in various aspects. As I said, I'm currently working on that startup, I am going all in or nothing in this. I'll definitely be visiting the states once, have always wanted to visit that place, but not this year to be honest. HI5 for loving motorbikes, just got one 2 days ago :D

- Zewi- thanks for your shout out to girls in here.. hope they listen !!!

Mentioning (ostomate.org) as a tool for ostomates to have similar -condition wise- relationships is a defective tool, hence, it is the exact meaning of not having the tool at the first place. I am not the first person to complain. Lots of other members that I had a chat with almost mention the same thing about dating on this website.

EVERYTHING COULD BE FIXED. IF WE JUST STAND STILL, IT WOULD NEVER EVER CHANGE!!!

WHAT CAN WE DO TO HAVE A COMMUNITY FOR OURSELVES THAT IS NOT CONFINED TO VIRTUAL CARING, BUT LOVING AS WELL?

I'll definitely be counting yours as one of the 5. So it is 4 to go now. I would love to prove myself wrong.

To be followed....

Well, since you are a young man, I think I should pass on the top 5 things that men understand about women.

1:

2:

3:

4:

5:

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHHAAAAHHAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA OMG!!! ;MMMS; you are great! I actually laughed for about 2 minutes on that one, still smiling.

Darious, I get ya now on the site. I don't know exactly who set this up or what they had in mind but it is not like other sites where they "match" you or make suggestions. It's just you checking off if you want a relationship or not and then hoping and praying someone answers you or messages you. It does leave a lot of room for improvement. It was a good idea but stopped real short of its potential.

Unfortunately, I may have some computer knowledge but not enough to write a program that does such a thing. Nor do I have the money to buy an already canned version of a dating site that only needs a few tweaks to be more customized to what we'd like to see.

Anyway, the only way someone is going to see my SHOUTING is if they read this topic and my reply. It would be nice to be able to put a banner up somehow that all could see as soon as they log in to this site. Or a sticky topic that would always be the first one seen. (I thought all forums had that?)

That was hilarious :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

LOL.... looks like you had lots of experience

Hmmm, seems not too many are taking up your challenge. Maybe all the people that have hooked up on here don't come on here anymore?

Anyway, I looked this member up from another post because he intrigued me, saw he was in my age range, (Yay!), saw he was looking for friends, relationship, travel partner, (another Yay!), really liked his profile (Yay, Yay, Yay!), checked out his pics (nice looking, but "sigh"): Well, can't figure out how to get the pic here but check out lowflyingbs profile on this site. (Probably should not have tried to post a pic from his profile without his permission anyway - oooppss, sorry.)

Laters, Darious!

P.S. Have to make an addition here because some of my friends were trying hard to find ways to fix me up with lowflyingbs. He is already with someone :) That is why I told Darious to check out his profile. The pic is him with his girl. Just was showing Darious another story from here where people got together.

I just saw you mentioned my profile. I sent you a message last night. Hope you get it and respond. I enjoyed reading your posts on here. It is possible to find someone on here, I've done it. Hoping to find someone again. And I don't mind if you tried to post a pic of mine, kind of flattered actually.

Sorry, I didn't get it.

Gar, you goof. I kinda don't think he was talking to you. But then again.........

Honest mistake. Hard to tell who's who without a program.

@ Darious, I know how you feel. I've written many people, and they will not reply! I don't understand why they say they are looking for friends and someone to chat with, yet when someone reaches out to them, they ignore you! What's the sense of having a profile here? I mean, they take the time to read the message, the least they could do is say they're not interested. Yes, for those of you that may not know, we can tell when you read our messages. So you reading and ignoring is ignorant. Those that ignore us, good luck in finding any friends. (I'm being sarcastic too). You know what, Darious? We deserve better anyway. Who wants a friend like that? But I don't care. I am done reaching out to people. Their loss. Those that met me and know me say I'm the sweetest friend. They sadly are either in a relationship or too old. So even if I were looking for a girlfriend, sadly things wouldn't work too well. But I never was looking for love, but friends to help make them feel better and happy. Those that ignore me, their loss. I don't need friends from here because most are too ignorant and not worth it. Hang in there, bro. You deserve much better anyway.

I don't understand it myself. I have been told a few have even messaged, given their off-site email - then never answer that. Me yelling at them here doesn't help. I have also been told that they may answer once here but not again. So it does seem a bit fishy. It would only be the polite thing to do to, at least, as you say, reply back you're not interested, or talking to someone else or you seemed nice but someone on here warned me against you. ANYTHING except ignoring the email. Plus, as you pointed out, you can tell if your message was read. I didn't know this at first myself. But it didn't matter because I always answer my messages. I also know you don't expect an answer the next day. You have waited a decent amount of time for a reply.

Just because we are on the internet does not mean we are exempt from following basic social etiquette guidelines. Though I know from experience, the majority of people seem to believe the internet does just that, exempt them from acting like decent humans. If a person says hello to you on the street in passing - would you ignore them? I never do, I smile, say hello and keep walking. And think how nice. It's the same with these messages. If you don't want to get into a big conversation, smile say hello and keep walking (in this case saying thank you but no thank you would suffice).

And girls, I am one of the "older" ones. I have gotten to know Lone Star and he is sweet, fun, intelligent and nice looking. He was only looking to help and make friends here. I emphasize friends because that is exactly all he wanted. If I wasn't one of the older ones - he would have never had a reason to write that post up there. Some of you missed out, that's for sure, even if you weren't looking for a relationship you missed out having a true friend.

Someone once said the following:

If you do the "right thing" for the wrong reason, it's no good, but if you do the "wrong thing" for the right reason, it's okay.

I am careful not to expect others to respond the way I respond, as the mystery of life is much bigger than my expectations. I have messaged many who have never replied, and that's okay — the lack of response tells me more than a "not completely sincere" polite response ever could.

That's debatable, but it is a quote to contemplate and it makes a good point in this instance.

I am not a mind-reader, but I think I'd be safe in saying there was a smidgen of hope that out of friendship love eternal would spring. However, offering friendship and help was not an ulterior motive.

But there is also legitimate frustration happening on a regular basis to many people on this site about not replying. True, it's affecting the younger members more than the older. My opinion is, the majority of angst about life's pitfalls disappears after a certain age. A lot of things don't bother us that would have at one time. But if someone is not polite enough to respond, I reserve the right to mentally call them whatever name I wish.

Being polite is the right thing to do under any circumstance. It doesn't matter if it's a guy messaging a girl, girl messaging a guy, guy messaging a guy, old woman messaging a young man, etc. If that is not true, then my parents and my teachers wasted 18 years pounding that into my head.

There's another saying about a leopard changing its spots; maybe being polite wasn't taught to the younger generations; trying to change the behavior now is futile.

Has anyone considered that responding may be impossible due to the fact that the recipient doesn't know how to respond? Not everyone is computer literate. And while it may be obvious to some that in order to enter the general chat room, you press on "General Chat". Some may not even realize that they have mail when it says so on the "Main Screen". Having taught Introduction to Microcomputers at two colleges, we can't assume that what is simple to one is easy for everyone. Some of the pupils were just too afraid to touch a computer in case they would break it. My advice: If you break it, they didn't build it right. If it stops working, turn it off then try the next one. Frustrated? Smash the keyboard. You may have to spend $10 (now $3 at the dollar store) to buy a new one, but it'll be worth it. Getting people, especially middle-aged, to overcome their fear was the hardest part of teaching that particular course. You give a three-year-old an iPad and they will just use it. Give it to someone middle-aged and that person will never get the full use out of it. So it may just be an issue of not knowing, afraid to make a mistake.

Just thought I'd throw that out.

Also, having a stoma can be a real kick in the gut to some people. It may make them rather trepidatious.

Ed

Yes, Ed, I sure did. I even said the same thing. I also came up with the argument that maybe they went to the hospital or don't visit the site that often. I always try to give someone the benefit of the doubt. That's when I was informed you can tell when a message is read or unread. (Which I had not seen until I was told about it). So knowing this, I thought it was a valid complaint - if they have figured out they have a message and read it, it's not that hard to press the reply button and reply.

I agree with you on the middle-aged and older being afraid of computers or not understanding how to do something. I am excellent on computers but have problems on some sites. I didn't realize the home screen and main menu screen showed different things at first. There are things I didn't discover on here for several weeks. I just found out last week that if you log off, you have better search options for ostomy-related topics.

I always check the new members' profiles. I didn't know you could tell someone checked your profile until a gentleman messaged me and thought that, because I checked his profile, I was interested in him. I answered him, but he got a little miffed at me because I was on a dating site and didn't have anything to say.

Sometimes I forget this is a dating site also.

Just another bit of information. Some people on here without a full membership simply don't know they can reply. I don't take it personally if someone does not respond because I have no idea what situation they are in physically or mentally. Some people are not ready to correspond even if they put that in their profile. To those who don't believe you can't meet anyone on here, I will tell you that I did over two years ago. We are still together and I know of quite a few on here that are in relationships. Personally, it has never mattered to me whether the other person had an ostomy or not. Cheers all!

You absolutely can date if you have a bag! Come on people, don't tell yourself such horrible things. I've had mine since I was 9, so I've had it through all of my dating history. Yes, some people are uncomfortable with it, but that's just further confirmation that they aren't the right person for you, and there is someone out there who will love you exactly as you are. Because, after all, that's what we are all looking for, isn't it?

My wife left me after surgery. I totally rejected. I was damaged goods with no future. Then I found a lovely woman that loves me for what I am. She accepted my bag straight away, even though she had never seen a stoma before. She even helped me start irrigating, which can be a bit daunting, even for a more experienced person. We now have a loving relationship. We are married and settled nicely. So you see, there is someone out there for you.

I am a free member and don't know how to reply to a message unless they give us a free point. I'm not ignoring or trying to be rude. :/

After reading a message in your inbox, click the reply button just above the message — you do not need a paid membership to do this, Autumn Dreamr. :)

Hey, I'm Christian Levarity. I like your post. Wanna be friends with you. I have had my colostomy all my life, living in the Bahamas. Not many people are in my situation, and supplies are limited. I am looking to move in the future as well. I am hoping to make friends with people in my situation, which would be nice! I also want to travel, so hit me up if you're looking for friendship.