A Story Only Ostomates Could Appreciate!

Hi Guys,

Well... here's one to brighten your day! A little background first... being a short-gutter, I change my barrier every other day, in the morning when I get up. I have a ritual to do this, as timing is everything in my world. I stop eating about 1:30 am, then re-hydrate from 2:30 to 3:30 am, then hit the sack around 4:30 am. Then it's up at 7:15 or so, and on with my day. Because I'm basically bowel-less, what I do have for bowels empty quickly, and by 7:30 am I typically get my first bile dump, indicating my bowels are completely empty. If I sleep past 7:30 am, I have to wait until my next bile dump, around an hour later at 8:30 am before I can change my barrier. I'm lucky in that I get almost a full hour between bile dumps when things are quiet and I can change up my stuff. I've been using Coloplast's Mio Sensura Convex barriers and bags for about a week plus now, so I'm still getting used to the differences between these and my old Hollister stuff that I've used since day 1. The other piece to this story you need to know is that if I don't get to McDonald's by exactly 10:30 am, the menu switches from breakfast to burgers. Hang on, I'll explain in a sec.

So this morning was my barrier change day. I ate a little longer than normal last night, and didn't re-hydrate... so I woke up a couple of pounds lighter, as to be expected. At 7:30 am, my output wasn't pure bile yet, so too unpredictable to try to change my barrier. So I fed and walked the pooch, let all the chickens and ducks out, and fed the nags. Came in around 8:15 am, I still wasn't getting pure bile, but it seemed infrequent enough that I could get a barrier on. And I did... no problems. Then I had to make a few calls for work and realized it was 10:00 am and I needed to head down to Mickey D's if I wanted that Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle and apple pie. Since no one would see me, as I was only going to McD's and back, I just said screw it and left my sweats on and jumped in the car. On my way there, I could feel I was having output, but nothing abnormal about that. I get there, get out of the car, and go in to order my takeout. I place my order and wait for my food.

Now being short-gutted, I routinely check my bag with my right hand about every 10 minutes, especially with the smaller Coloplast bags. It felt fairly empty, so no need to use the restroom, just make my ORS with the Coke, Diet Coke, and some salt packets, grab my food, and go. I get back to my car and I look down on the ground next to my driver's side door and I notice a puddle of yellow goo. I was like, WTF? Then it dawned on me that I remember having output on the way to McD's, and then felt the bag was pretty empty when I was inside ordering my food. At the time, those two things didn't click as being a problem... but now they did. So I'm staring at this puddle of yellow goo and I look at my sweatpants, just below where my bag hangs... and it's also streamed with yellow goo. Again, I'm like, WTF? Remember, for me, my biggest fear is having my barrier leak during the day or night, as I don't get a break in my output to be able to change it easily. But I was sure it was sticking well, I tapped the full outside edge of the barrier with that awesome 3M Micropore tape... which never lets a leak past it... and then it hit me! I didn't roll up the bag closure and attach those two little Velcro wings to keep it closed! I put my bag on and was walking around with it open for the past hour! That explained why I felt having output on the way there, but didn't feel like there was much in my bag inside the store. Because it all leaked out when I climbed out of my car when I got to Mickey D's! Of course, my sneaker was covered in yellow goo, as was the outside edge of the door frame on my SUV. It made perfect sense, because closing the Coloplast bag was a difference in my barrier changing ritual that I'd been doing for years with my Hollister bags with their simple plastic clip. But what amazed me is no one in McDonald's looked at the mess on my pants and sneaker while I was in there. I would have noticed their eyes looking there.

So feeling like a complete dipshit... I rolled up my bag closure, cleaned up as best I could, and drove home... then cleaned my car door sill and put my clothes in the washing machine. I was really just glad it wasn't my barrier leaking and just me being stupid. So... I'm hoping all of you are having a better start to your Monday than I did. And if not, maybe thinking of me standing in the parking lot of a McDonald's with shit running down my sweats and all over my sneaker will make your situation seem just a tiny bit better. I think in a previous life I was a court jester! And no, I didn't take any pics!

See... I told you only ostomates could appreciate this story!
Y'all have a great day!

Regards,
bob

Did you eat before or after cleaning up, that will tell us what's more of a priority. 🤔 😎 I could tell stories of my bathroom debacles while on chemotherapy and before surgery. This bag-o-mine has changed me for the better now. 

Bob, I love you! As I'm chuckling about your story, I am admiring your bravery to share it and make light of the situation. I think the biggest thing as an ostomate that we can learn is to be able to make fun of what would be to most a horrific situation. Thank you for your vulnerability and showing us that life goes on. 
Hope your day goes much smoother!

😇🥰

Hello Bob.

Thanks for sharing. It is somehow comforting to know that we are not alone in these sorts of incidents. I empathised with you all the way through your story and kept tapping my evening 'bag' just to check. 

Best wishes

Bill 

Hey Bob, that's what happens when there is a little change to routine. I've actually done that myself... middle of the night, half asleep. You got lucky, Bob, could have been standing in line!! Plop...plop....drip...drip..... !!🤡

One night I had to do a change in the middle of the night, half asleep and just caught it before it exploded. So I dumped the pajamas, changed the one piece, and went back to bed. Morning comes and I crawl to the shower, bad sleep night. Just as I step into the shower, I can feel a gush of liquid into the bag. Standing in the shower, turning on the water, and... Plop... Splash, shitty liquid all over the shower tray.

I had put the one-piece wafer on but forgot to peel off the plastic cover!!! I put on the strips of tape and that held it in place. Perfect timing for the shower!!

I always put a strip of the Micropore over the Velcro just in case. !!

☘🤡

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

I've done that in the first week out of the hospital, luckily I didn't get out of the house though.

Hi Alex,

Oh come on... you know me better than that... I ate first! I mean, my sandwich was getting cold... and my seat already was! Glad to hear your ostomy has improved your life!

:0)

bob

Keep it up EA.........you know poor Henry is over there sitting on his hands with duct tape over his mouth to keep him from yelling out..........."Get a room you two!!"

;0)

bob

Love the story. I agree, only an ostomate would understand the humor and appreciate a story like that. I have used Coloplast from day one and it works great, but I have had some close calls and random product mishaps. I have not had that yet, but give it time.

Haha. I might not agree with Sir Bob on a lot of things, but I now declare you to be an Honorary Irishman because you really do have the "Gift of the Gab!"

I've had my share of disasters and near disasters over the years.

Let's see, on the upper deck of a double-decker city bus.

In the security check-in/security line at San Francisco Airport.

Hilariously, in a supermarket near San Francisco, in the soup and gravy aisle.

A very memorable almost disaster in a self-catering holiday rental in the West of Ireland. I had rented a self-catering cottage beside a beautiful beach for a visit with the love of my life, Kitty.

The bathroom was two steps from the bed, and Kitty was on the side nearest the bathroom door. We had done a lot of beach walking and paddling in the Arctic cold North Atlantic. We were both very tired and went to sleep as soon as we got horizontal in bed.

About 3 or 3:30, Kitty pops up like a Jack in the Box, and I sat up instantly. We both said at exactly the same time, "Leak!" We were both having a leak at exactly the same time. Mine was minor, so I wrapped my T-shirt tightly at my waist. Kitty was quickly upright and opening the bathroom door as I came around the bed to join her. Kitty just crossed the threshold, and the bottom of the bag opened. The bathroom floor was tiled, but outside the bathroom was light-colored carpet. Thankfully, 99% of the shitty liquid splashed inside the bathroom, and only a few drops splashed onto the carpet. We spent the next two hours cleaning up and changing both bags (Kitty had an ileostomy also). A new carpet would have made that visit very expensive.

The flimsy little hinge on the little clip on the bottom of Kitty's bag broke. My wafer just came loose. After that experience, I always put a strip of Micropore tape over the fold on the bottom and asked Kitty to do the same.

We were very tired and did not wake up, so both bags were very full.

Eamon out!

Bob that happened to me years ago as I was standing in line paying for my groceries. I felt it gush and go down my leg. It was really embarrassing but I managed to get my groceries in the car . I had a little blanket in the car so I wrapped it around me. I had quite a mess to clean up before unloading the groceries. I never went back to that store lol and to this day I check to see if I feel my clip. I had forgotten it that day.

Hi all, that happened to me at Mickey Ds years ago. As we were leaving, I got up, took a step, and my clip broke, and I had a warm stream of poo go down my leg. I just kept walking out to my car and drove home. What a mess.

Eamon,

The soup and gravy isle??? Lol! How appropriate! Thanks for sharing and making me smile. 

Ok ...there is an untold bit about the soap and gravy aisle.

I was just getting out in my car after many months of being flat on my back with a huge open wound, still open at the time. I couldn't wear pants, so I got some Countrified Bib Overalls...guess what color? WHITE, of course, I guess it was as a counter to the brown stuff coming from my belly!!?? Anyway, still half bent over, my belly always felt like it was going to burst open and spill my guts. Got my basket and thinking Ramen Noodles with chicken soup would be good. It was on the top shelf with brown gravy in glass jars, and other such sauces, gravy. I reached up and I can still feel the hot stuff on my leg. I looked down to see the huge brown stain spreading on my pristine overalls. A big puddle was forming on the floor between my legs!!!! 😈😈🤡🤡. As I pulled my hand back, I clipped a few glass jars on the shelf. Bang... the glass jar of brown gravy exploded on the ground, right on top of the stinky puddle!!

I did a quick recon and there was nobody in my orbit, not close enough to see at least. I dropped the basket and made a quick exit, leaving a trail of liquid as I went!!🤡🤯. Finally sitting in my car, I could breathe again.

My thoughts went to the poor person who came with a mop and bucket to clean up the mess. I am horrified but just crack up every time I think of it. I imagine the kid bending down to pick up (hopefully with gloves!!) the chunks of broken glass and getting a smell of what he thought was the contents of the jar. I can see him telling his supervisor... "We should really check all the jars on that shelf, Boss. Whatever was in that jar must have been really rotten, never smelled anything like that before in my life...smelled like someone took a rotten smelly shit in that jar!!! I would just throw them all out, Boss!!"

I really crack up every time I think of it!!

"Today's special, Shite in a Jar."

The plastic clip closure was often unreliable, and sometimes the little hinge would break. In this case, I think I had not given the clip an extra squeeze to hear and feel the closure clicking and locking in place. When I looked later, the clip was gone, so either it broke or I did not close it properly.

Magoo ...☘

Omg!!! I am cracking up! I'll bet that kid will never eat gravy again!!!! 🤣😂😭 That is a great story!

😇

I'll never look at gravy the same way ever again. I'm glad this didn't come up before Thanksgiving. 🥴

Lol... he might have gotten a pay rise for coming to the boss and saving multiple lawsuits!! The conversation with the supplier must have been quite interesting!! ☘🤯

Until they pull the store camera and see some guy running away in white overalls with brown streaks. 😂 

Hahaaaa...... Needless to say, that was my first and last time in that store. It was also my last time wearing anything white below my belly button. These days I'm fairly confident in my bagging techniques and habits so leaks are very rare for me now.

I never go out without my trusty backpack. I was in San Francisco for the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake and realized how important it is to be prepared. The entire city was blacked out for quite a while. I always have a month's supplies on hand at home. My backpack goes where I go and contains a full change of clothes and 50 ostomy changes. I rarely need to use them, but the few times I have needed them, they saved my ass!!

Just a little about the Quake. It was about 7.2 or 3 and was pretty scary. I had been changing my brake pads on my Mazda RX7 two-seater in the garage of the building where I was the Manager. It was 60 units and the two garage levels were solid mass concrete. In an earthquake, the basement garage and first level just rock around like a bathtub in a lake. As it does a rock and roll, the upper wood-framed structure bends and wobbles/sways I should say, creaking as the nails strain to keep everything in one piece. My car was up on two jacks with a heavy wooden block providing insurance (up on a ladder or under a car, a quake is always a consideration). I drove my brother's car to Safeway to get milk for my coffee and left the car on the jacks. As I pulled into the huge parking lot, the car radio started crackling on and off with bad reception. As I parked, I heard the long ropes hanging from a flagpole cracking and smacking the pole. It took a few seconds to figure it out. My first hint was the tip of the flagpole swaying gently at first and then violently swaying and cracking the cable against the pole. It was the most amazing and mesmerizing sight. Like the tall mast of a sailboat while anchored in rough water, the flagpole whipped back and forth. Then I noticed the cars bouncing. I thought that this only happened in the movies. The tarmac of the parking lot is flexible, unlike concrete, and it can move and flex when under pressure. As I looked across the parking lot, there were visible "waves" in the tarmac as the shockwaves rolled across the city. As the waves crossed the parking lot, the cars actually bounced up and down like the anchored sailboat (probably the safest place to be actually!!). I've seen examples of Newtonian fluids as they react like a solid or a liquid, and it reminds me of the tarmac that day. As I stood transfixed by the wave action and the bouncing cars, I saw a cloud of dust billow up in the air just the other side of Geary. Jim Jones of the "Jonestown Massacre/Suicide/mass murder" Jim Jones Church (Cult?) had a big building as their "Church". This was the cloud of dust; the building imploded and collapsed, and inside I cheered! A friend lost several family members to the psychopath Jim Jones.

If you have ever used the phrase "... Drank the Kool-Aid..." this is where it came from. The barrels of Kool-Aid were laced with cyanide, moms gave it to their babies and were forced when they rejected it, or just shot. Jackie Speer was one of the few survivors who had gone to check on the welfare of US citizens at the compound in Guyana.

Sorry guys, that was a bit of a stream of consciousness there.

Just remember when it comes to believing wacky, insane or just implausible conspiracy ideas that have caused thousands of unnecessary deaths and created thousands of orphans

...remember Jonestown, over 1,000 bodies littered the ground, from months-old babies to senior citizens.

"Don't Drink The Kool-Aid" ....!!

Magoo wrote:  "If you have ever used the phrase ",,, Drank the Coolaid .." this is where it came from . The barrels of CoolAid were laced with Cyanide , Moms gave it to their babies and were forced when they rejected it , or just shot ." 

Yup. You're almost spot-on.  The scumbag mixed the cyanide with Flavor-Aid, another kid's drink mix at the time, but it was mis-reported as Kool-Aid, and our childhood favorite summertime drink forever got a bum wrap for that one that will live on indefinitely.  And he used Grape flavor, which is my favorite.  Let's hope there's a special place in Hell for bastards like him.  If not we'll have to wait our turn to kick his ass when we get to Heaven. I'm sure it'll be worth the wait, if there's anything left of him. 

;0)

bob 

Forgot to mention. My car was still sitting on the jack when I finally got back to the building. Everyone jammed in the lobby watching a tiny portable TV. They said the building shook violently, but the wood framing just rolled with the punches with a few cracked walls.

Magoo

I knew there was something we both agreed on, Bob!

Jones was actually very close to the SF board of Supervisors at the time. Most of the people were on SS or some form of regular payment, and he confiscated their money. I'm sure he made lots of donations to be in with the powers of the day.

Jackie Speer has been a politician in the SF Bay area, and I think she just retired (a good person always). She was torn apart by AK 47 high velocity rounds and lay on the tarmac for over 22 hours with her dead colleagues all around her, Cong Leo Ryan and his entourage. It is simply a miracle that she survived with no amputation.

People in the compound had begged Leo Ryan to rescue them, Jones knew this so he wanted to (and did!!) take everyone out with him. Our housekeeper in the building I managed lost three of her relatives here.

A seriously evil bastard, even in death.

Driving through the city (SF), I noticed that his so-called church has been rebuilt and believe it or not, has the name "Jones" in its title. I can only think that it must be that Jones it refers to? Gotta look that one up.

My bet's on dining after the cleanup. Now I know that I'm in good company and not the only one. Routine is so important. And, being in a rush can cause some epic failures. I make up a dozen or so gallon storage bags with all the things I need for a change. And, I always close the pouch openings at that time. And, I keep another bag for the things I need with every change - scissors, paste, belt, gloves, qtips, pen, etc. No worries, unless I'm rushing. Truth be told, colostomy care is awesome compared to bowel incontinence.