Dating with a Colostomy: Surprising Reactions

I've been surprised and gratified by the degree to which "normal" women seem to have no issue with my colostomy. Kind of renews my faith in humanity. There was a recent experience I thought I'd share. I was talking to a 70-year-old psychotherapist through a dating site, not as her patient. We got to talking about my being a cancer survivor and she asked about it. I wasn't going to lie so I disclosed that I have a colostomy. She said, "That's a problem." I responded, "Oh! You're the first." We left the ball in her court should she wish to continue to get to know me. Haven't heard back. A 70-year-old psychotherapist no less!

I'm glad I told her sooner rather than later rather than having invested more time and effort in getting to know her!

Richard

I thought "normal" women wore bags. 

I think you missed my point.

No, I didn't miss your point. However, the women that have an ostomy are just as normal as any women without one and are probably way more sensitive to what you and your needs may be. Just because a person has some sort of health condition doesn't make them not "normal". 

Round one is over; next is round two. Be nice, no gouging or pulling hair.

How to Manage Emotions with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

I think I get you, Richard, but "Normal" is in the eye of the beholder. "Normal" is a relative term. When I walk down the beach with shorts and no T-shirt, I get lots of feedback about how "Normal" I am in the eyes of many people. When dry, it looks like a bandage of some type. I use Micropore Surgical waterproof tape to keep it attached in ocean waves. When wet, my shorts reveal "something" under there that actually is not normal for most people. I've exposed my bag on many beaches, Chincoteague Island VA, Long Island NY, and other NY beaches. I have also exposed it on many beaches in California, from San Diego up to my current location in San Francisco and Lake Tahoe. I have seen that "Look" in people's eyes sometimes, but most people don't react at all. If the beach has a military base in the general area, I have gotten a little nod or a look of recognition, sort of like a "high five." I've seen looks of surprise or a grimace if my bag fills with air while swimming...like 'what the hell is that!!' Generally, I walk straight and tall (well...not really very tall, lol... 5' 4" ☘🤠) and hold my head up high because the reality is that we are proud of the fact that we fought for our lives in a battle to the death. Some fought cancer, some colitis, car accidents, some misfortune proved to us how strong we are and just how much crap (literally!! 🤠🤠) we can take, just how much pain and suffering we can take and remain sane and alive after our fight. We defeated death and you know what!! That does not make us "Normal," it makes us above and beyond normal.

Those people who give you that funny look or whisper to their companions have no idea how strong and how much above normal we actually are!! People I know and who have never had a medical procedure, never had their belly slit open (maybe just an Irish phrase!!?? 🤡, excuse my French) from asshole to breakfast time with our guts laying on a table beside us in the OR.

Dinner bell just rang. But you get my idea. Normal is relative. 🤠☘💚

Hi Richard,

The tone of your message is that you're surprised by her reaction and slightly angered by it. I wouldn't have been. People are all different, with very specific likes, dislikes, and what they find acceptable or not. They're not wrong if they don't like you (or anyone else) for any specific reason... or for none at all. We all have the freedom to like what we like and dislike what we dislike. You're trying to equate the sympathy she should have in her job with that which she has in her personal life. That's not a fair comparison to make, nor, as you've found out, is it an accurate way to predict one's opinion or feelings.

I've never held it against anyone for liking or disliking me... for any reason. That's their choice and they're free to make it. The only thing you can control is your reaction to such situations, and I personally just shrug that stuff off and continue on. I've 'not liked' women for things way less than having an ostomy, and probably so have you. To be totally honest, before I became an ostomate, my reaction to someone having a shitbag stuck to their abdomen 24/7 might have been similar to hers. We tend to fear what we don't understand, and are looking for 'simple' in a relationship, not things that are out of the ordinary or appear troublesome.

Bottom line here is she's not right or wrong in her reaction... it just is what it is. I think you got it right... you learned of her feelings early and didn't have to waste any more of your precious time with a person who ultimately wasn't right for you. I'd look at that as her doing you a favor in that respect. At least you'll look at it that way when you find the right one.

Onward we go...

;0)

bob

Thank you Alex!!!!

😇

You're welcome. 

Bob, 

Well said.  Worry about what you can control.  Took me about 40 yrs to figure that out.  

SharkFan

Words used ironically or in a special sense
Quotation marks can also enclose words used ironically:

Many "experts" were called in for consultation.
The party whip called the five renegade MPs in for a "full and frank discussion" of the issue.

Hi Richard,  I take no issue with you referring to women without ostomies as "normal" as you are just using the word to make a distinction between them and us ostomates.  I think that woman did you a favour by being totally honest and upfront with you.  She could have said the ostomy didn't bother her, just because she didn't want to seem unkind or hurt your feelings.  That would not have been helpful to either of you.  Perhaps as a psychotherapist she has learned that honesty is the best policy.  On the other hand, a person cannot control their own physical reaction to something, regardless of their profession.  Before I became an ostomate myself, I would guess I might have had the same reaction that she did to a potential romantic interest with an ostomy.  I'm glad you have found her to be in the minority.  Good luck out there!

Terry

Couldn't have said it any better Terry xx

Years ago, one of my girlfriends told me a story about dating. She was a nurse, very pretty, met men easily, had Crohn's disease, and a colostomy. She met a very handsome bass player while at a music festival. They went on a few dates that went well. The next step was the talk about her condition, ostomy, and other personal matters that happen in an adult relationship. They kissed and said goodbye for the evening. But she never heard from him again. So after 5 days, she called him to find out what was wrong. He stated that he was okay with her condition (ostomy) but he just did not wear condoms and did not want to be in a serious relationship where he had to wear one.

But they started dating again after that call, but it remained casual for the reason above. If you really like a person, give them a call; rejection does not kill, it just stings a little.

A psychotherapist's work is also known as "talk therapy", so one assumes that they choose their words carefully. That was an unkind remark to someone who wears a colostomy bag and cannot be condoned in any way.

Hi there, I have a little Irish story that puts shitting in a plastic bag in the normal category.

I was at home driving in my car listening to a guy on "Newstalk Radio", Sean Montcrief... hilarious sometimes about 3pm every day on that station.

He was asking about things that people wanted to confess, "shitty" things they did. A girl called and said she had done a really bad thing to a guy. She proceeded to crack up everyone listening.

I was out drinking one night with the girls (Dublin Accent 🤯☘) and got really drunk. She connected with a guy before closing and went home with him.

"It was just getting bright outside and the bed felt kind of funny. As I regained consciousness (paraphrase!!) I wanted to hit the shitter so I put my hand down to get myself out of bed. Then I thought the bed was wet and thought, this fucker pissed the bed, not going to a fella's house ever again. Getting more pissed off I kind of slid out of the bed and it was just bright enough to see my hand when I started to get up. What the fuck is that fucking smell, Jesus he smells like shite. Well, I looked at my hand and it was shite, there was shite everywhere!! Holy Feckin Jesus, the bastard shit all over me!! As I pulled back the sheet to get out of the shite it looked like it was all on my side... what did this feckin eejit do, shite on me and then change places!!?? As I stood up I felt very wet and squish between my legs and when I had a good look the shite was squishing out the arse end of MY PANTIES (she squealed!!). No... Feckin... Nooo. It was me who had a shite in the bed, not him. I slowly and quietly got my clothes and cleaned up a bit without running the water. It was still almost dark outside so no worries about running into the milkman smelling like a two-day-old shite sandwich!! I managed to get out without waking him and he might not even remember me!!?? Then I thought... HE is going to think that it was HIM who shit the bed, not the sweet young thing he brought home!!."

She said that she really felt guilty but had a laugh every time she thought of the look on his face when he woke up covered in shite! Thinking that it was his shite. Must have scarred the poor guy for life!! Guinness gives that special aroma the next day, especially if you've been sleeping in it all night!!

I know this was word for word true. The way she told it there was no doubt.

Be careful with those Irish girls who drink Guinness, a Porter Shite is a terrible thing lol...☘🤯😈

Eamon. And no! Never did that myself, thankfully, bag or no bag.

Eamon 😈

This young lady is a case of "good cases make bad law" as a wise jurist once said. I'm sure this incident was a one-off, and the poor girl sadly went way overboard with her partying that one night... I just don't want to encourage the old stereotype of the inebriated Irish person. Generally, Irish people are good-humored and the least nasty people you could meet. I would say that if, after the guy had a shower and the "Hair of the Dog that bit him," the girl could walk up to him, tell him the whole story, and they would have a few pints... when they stopped laughing! Not that many!! ...and be best friends. Whatever happens, don't lose your sense of humor.

Keep your eye upon the doughnut and not upon the hole 🥳🥳☘☘

They do. I am living proof!

What do you mean by "normal women"?