Seeking advice - Boosting self-esteem after colostomy

I have had a colostomy now for 3 years, and for the most part, I have learned to live with it. But I cannot seem to feel confident about myself in front of my husband. He continues to touch me and make love to me like he used to, and tells me that I am still sexy, but every time I stand in front of him naked, I am very conscious. I get uncomfortable when he starts touching me intimately because I am afraid he will accidentally touch my pouch. Does anybody else feel this way, or is it just me? Can anyone suggest something that can improve my self-esteem? It really frustrates my husband, but I cannot help myself.

I would strongly recommend you seek counseling as soon as possible. This reaction is understandable post-surgery, but if you are having such problems persist 3 years after surgery, it's not going to get better on its own. It sounds to me as if you are denying yourself the very thing that would help build your self-esteem by not allowing your husband to show you how much he still finds you desirable. There are all sorts of reasons why we put up these defenses and end up hurting ourselves in the process, and sometimes it is impossible to disassemble the defenses by ourselves. There are experts out there who can help you and your husband work through this. This could end up being a very healing growth experience for you and your marriage. Good luck!

With all your intimate time thus far, has he touched the pouch, accidentally or on purpose?

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel. I've had my ileostomy now for almost a year and have not been able to let my husband see me totally naked yet. If you don't feel ready yet, that's okay. But you have to trust his love for you just the same. My husband respects my limits and doesn't try to push unless I'm ready. I found a company that sells sexy underthings specially designed for ostomies and now I wear sexy things to bed. I'm sure if your husband was the one with the ostomy, your feelings or desire for him wouldn't change one iota.

Take good care,

April

I do not think your husband needs help as someone else has suggested. I would say that you do need some help, however. Your husband is still so much in love with you and apparently remembers the vows he took on the day of your wedding. How many people can say that? Just read some of the stories in here about spouses that turned the other way and ignored their mate with the ostomy. Often these marriages ended in divorce. I have no right to lecture you, but please remember that you are the same person that you were before your operation and this goes in the bedroom too. Good luck and get with it immediately.

X_

Staying Hydrated with an Ostomy with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

I am not exactly sure, X, but I think that was what the others were saying as well. Maybe a re-read would aid.

KT,

Thank you, my friend. I did reread and I am not sure they are saying the same. I was referring to the specific post about counseling that I thought was misdirected. Sometimes people who push the idea of counseling are those who need it themselves. But, I thank you again, KT.

X_

Hi, if you wouldn't mind sharing, what is the name of the company you found these sexy things........ I haven't even had my surgery, but I want as much info as I can get.
Thank you...

shl3610.... I read through Herculisa's post and I thought it was excellent!!!!... Sometimes we throw up mental images that are just so difficult to tear down, no matter how hard our friends, life partners, etc. try to help... many times a third party can see through the fog... it sounds like you have a loving husband who has been very supportive... working together through a professional might just break down that last barrier.... All the Best

Hi,

I was also very self-conscious for a few years after my surgery, and regardless of my husband's love and affection, I did not like the way I looked naked and always wore something to bed, like a long pretty camisole for intimate times. Every person and experience is different, but if we do not have great self-esteem before ostomy surgery, it is more challenging to deal with and accept. I came to learn that I needed to feel and believe that my stoma and ostomy were now a part of me and accept them as such.

I found a wonderful company called "Yentl's Secrets" who make ostomy pouch covers and sexy intimate apparel for women and even make cummerbunds for men. The company is two sisters, one with an ostomy, who own the company and make the products. You can check out their website to see the items and download an order form. They size everything to you specifically.

Buying the intimate, sexy, and pretty "ostomy" lingerie helped me a great deal to regain my self-esteem, and I was able to feel like the sexy and deserving-of-love woman I was before my surgery.

Good luck.

I'm only a year down the line from having Eric, my ileostomy, and my hubby and I have only been intimate twice because the meds I was on up to the op and the fact that I was bedbound for nearly a year before that has made me fat and flabby, especially the area around the stoma. I have sat and spoken to my hubby about the feelings I get and explained that really this was my fault, it was how I saw myself at the moment, not how he saw me! I am outwardly confident about Eric; he saved my life and for this, I love him, but I cannot feel sexy while my body doesn't look sexy! I have always been big and small and have usually felt sexy with every size, but it is just the flab from the inactivity and meds that I hate!
Because I have had the guts (excuse the pun) to talk to my hubby, he now fully understands how I feel and is helping me every way possible to get to a standard I am happy with! Including buying sexy underwear for me and paying for me to try and get fit! Is it just the pouch that makes you feel uncomfortable? Have you talked this through with your hubby? Have you thought about what would make you feel sexier? (barring not having the pouch!) Would something like this (the bottom 2 lace things) http://www.stoma-na-und.de/shop/index.php?cPath=21 make you feel better?

I'm hoping that my problems will resolve themselves after I have become comfortable with myself, but if they haven't by year 3, then I would seriously start looking at counseling help not just for my own sanity but for the sake of my husband and our marriage!
x x Luv'n'ugz x x

Hello

I had my colostomy approximately a year ago and have had a hard time adapting to having my stoma and accepting what has happened to me.

I lost contact with my stoma nurse due to depression; however, I have just met up with her again and she has introduced me to a plug which you insert into your stoma and then you do not have to wear a bag for a number of hours, up to around 6-7 hours. They are similar to a Tampax (not that I have extensive knowledge of using them), but it goes into your stoma and then it is just like having a skin-colored plaster over your stoma. It is not painful, and wind is released through the plug.

I think, provided your output is fairly consistent and soft to firm (sounds like I am giving out details of track conditions for a horse race), you will be able to use them. I have given the details of the product above in the subject title; not sure if the code will be the same in America, but the description will be the same.

I agree counseling is the long-term option, but if you are able to use these, it will immediately solve your problem in relation to intimate moments with your partner.

Obviously, talk to your stoma nurse first, but I think they could be a solution to your problem.

Best of luck

Justin

First of all, half the battle of being unsure in the bedroom after surgery seems to have been won since you have a loving, supportive husband who is still attracted to you! That's awesome!

Secondly, I use the smallest, closed-end pouch from Convatec with or without wearing something over it for intimate moments. I happen to work for OstomySecrets and we sell the Foxy Wrap and Vixen Wrap specifically to use for intimate moments and they're awesome!

I know it's tough to get used to initially, but give yourself time and all will become second nature to you. I was married when I got my ileostomy at age 31 and he was accepting of my pouch as well. We eventually divorced due to other reasons, but I went on to tell other men about my ileostomy and the few I chose to be intimate with were all very accepting of my situation! So, don't sell yourself short! How we as ostomates embrace our new body image is hugely dependent upon how others will accept us.

You will learn to have fun with it and joke around about it, assuming you are healthy otherwise. Thank your sweet husband tonight for accepting you just the way you are and get yourself a Foxy or Vixen Wrap to help you feel sexy again!

Best of luck to you! Take care.

Pattycake

Thanks everyone for the suggestions, advice, and encouragement. I am so glad I found this website. I don't feel like I am alone with this. Thanks again.

I have read that our self-esteem is the price tag we put on our self-concept. We owe it to ourselves not to give control of our self-concept away to others but to safeguard and nurture it continuously. Thomas Carlyle wrote that nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment. So, what goals have you set for yourself lately?
Prime

So nice to know I'm not alone!!! I am so happy I found this website. I have major issues in the bedroom. A lot from a really bad relationship...aka my ex is a heartless bastard. And of course from this sexy bag of crap taped to my tummy! I don't think that anyone else sees me the way I do though. I know I'm my own worst critic, but that still doesn't help me feel confident in the bedroom at all. Any tips or ways to hide the ostomy would be greatly appreciated!!!

I keep thinking if there was some great way to hide it maybe I will feel more comfortable and be able to relax better during sex. But every time I try hiding it then I feel like I am being ridiculous and just causing more attention to go to that area. IDK???!!!

Yes, I feel the same exact way. I can't seem to let go. I feel so ugly that I can't imagine he'd be attractive to me. I am afraid that he will find someone else. He has in the past. I'm very confused. We have been together for 10 years and leaving is easier said than done.