Lonely and Depressed

I find myself staying in the house more lately, feeling lonely. I used to go out with girls and have some fun. I really miss that, but it seems like the girls have moved on and left me waiting behind. Is it because of the bag? We have been friends for almost 40 years. At first, I thought they were trying to let me get myself together. I still haven't got myself completely together, and I know I will never be 100% anymore. How can someone who's been in your life for so long... someone I love like they are my real sisters just give up on me? Let's not forget that my love life sucks... too scared to open up and give someone a chance... I don't want to get hurt anymore... is that all because of the bag? Aaauuuggghhh... lonely and depressed

Hi, boy, do you sound like me! I am so disgusted with people I knew before, as now I don't see them and they always have an excuse. I was such an active person before this colostomy from having cancer. I don't know about you, but I just feel like I don't fit in anymore. Hometown - Joyce

Hi Ragdoll, you're not on your own. I feel just the same. Glad I found this site :)

Hello Ragdoll, There is a saying that goes something like:-- Laugh and the world laughs with you --- cry and you cry alone. Your isolation from your 'friends' may be more to do with depression than the ostomy (although obviously for you the two are intertwined.) People are very sensitive to mental states in others and so often they treat deprsession as if it was 'catching' like a contageous illness. Most people are quite vulnerable to becoming depressed themselves so it is a 'natural'and 'instinctual' fear response to avoid being too close people who might make them so. For my part, I have learned how to keep such emotions well hidden when in the company of people who clearly cannot empathise or cope. They all believe that I am the happy-go-lucky person I choose to portray to them. This charade works very well and it allows me to explain the problems of living with a stoma and other ailments in a way that they can relate to and laugh at! Best wishes Bill

Ragdoll, I do not see any of my former friends, but mostly it is my choice. I don't know about you, but going out to eat always causes problems, and I either have to go shopping or to the movies, etc., before I eat. I think most people like to eat and then go shopping or to the movies afterward. Something else, my doctor is always asking me about getting a reversal. I was considering this two years ago, but then something went terribly wrong with the colonoscopy, and I am not going through that ever again. My doctor states she can always smell her patients who have colostomies (like a baby's diaper). I don't believe it for one minute; however, it is something for you to think about (perhaps your friends think they can also detect an odor).

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

I am sorry that your friends treat you that way. My wife has helped me get through the part with our friends. She has explained to them the scene; many of them already knew about ileostomies. They are still our friends. We go out, and once in a while, I may crack a joke about it, and we all get a good laugh. These folks are my friends. If they choose not to be around me, then it's their loss. I am sure your friends miss you and are not sure how to handle it. Maybe talking to just one of them one-on-one may help.

Hey Ragdoll, it breaks my heart to hear all this, but I understand xoxo... But first of all, never allow having an ostomy to make you feel less worthy of love, and never allow it to make you feel as if you have less worth or less value. When the right person or people enter your life, whether they be a loving partner or new friends, they will love you for YOU and value you enough to treat you with respect and be at your side when you need them. I am glad you, and each of you, are on this site as well. We need each other... and... don't be afraid to get out into that world and live life to a fuller extent, emotionally and psychologically, than ever before... you are a SURVIVOR... that means you have tremendous strength... allow that to place you in higher status within yourself... do you know what I mean?? xoxoo We're all in this together, girl :) You're gonna be just fine xoxo~Doe

Hey Ragdoll, it breaks my heart to hear all this, but I understand, xoxo... But first of all, never allow having an ostomy to make you feel less worthy of love, and never allow it to make you feel as if you have less worth or less value. When the right person or people enter your life, whether they be a loving partner or new friends, they will love you for YOU and value you enough to treat you with respect and be at your side when you need them. I am glad you, and each of you, are on this site as well. We need each other... and... don't be afraid to get out into that world and live life to a fuller extent, emotionally and psychologically, than ever before... you are a SURVIVOR... that means you have tremendous strength... allow that to place you in higher status within yourself... do you know what I mean?? xoxoo We're all in this together, girl :) You're gonna be just fine xoxo ~Doe

Thanks everyone for your comments and help...after all these years thinking that I had true friends...boy, wasn't I fooled...but it's ok...I'm gonna be just fine...the advice that everyone left me, I thank you so much...I've been making myself depressed...sitting around crying...thinking all kinds of crazy stuff...feeling so alone. It's good to know that even though we are miles away from each other...I can come to the site and chat with people who know what I'm going through...who's willing to hold my hand through the good and bad...THANK YOU, everyone...I haven't smiled like this in a long time...Ragdoll :)

We are here for you, Ragdoll :), stick with us, girl! Your smile is not only a gift to yourself but a gift to us as well... This is what we should all strive for in here... more smiles, happier feelings, and emotions... We are one heck of a big army in here, most of us want to support, to learn, and to improve our quality of lives, our own as well as everyone else's :) ...and hopefully, there will be more opportunities for many of us to meet and create more gatherings... We need each other. We're a powerful lot ;)

am sorry for you x

Hang in there, Ragdoll. At least you know who your real friends are; it's their loss. I have just a few friends, some know and some don't. Don't cry over spilled milk.

Hi Ragdoll. I was wondering about your initial question: how could your lifelong friends give up on you? Well, are you sure they actually did? You are very hard on yourself. Perhaps you are sending them the wrong message and are keeping them away. I like DNL's suggestion to speak to one of your friends about what is happening and Doe's suggestion about getting out and living. For what it's worth, my recommendation is to stop thinking of yourself as a ragdoll and all that that implies. Ragdoll? Is that the message you want to send to friends? Somehow I don't think your friends were fooling you all these years as you say. Think about it, and good luck. PB

I agree with Primeboy somewhat on this. I find myself that I just get on with life as I did before my ileostomy, and although life is not the same because of it, I treat it as something that's not a hindrance but a thing that needs a little forethought before doing some things. I'm sure your friends are still your friends; just make contact and get out there and have some fun! I play guitar and sing in a band, and I'm 51 and have had this ileostomy since 2006. We play private houses to pubs, and the first thing I always check out is where's the loo and how easy is it to get there! Adjusting my eating helps with this as well. Having a few drinks? No problem, as that is like it was before, you need to know where the loo is. Get out and have fun with your friends and let them know you're still the same person. Another thing that helps is to not ever talk about it unless someone asks, and then make it brief as if it's no big deal. That way, people feel more comfortable, and let's face it, no one can possibly know what it's like except you anyway. Also, most people you meet will never know unless you tell them. Life's too short to be sad and lonely; we just have to make the best of it and remember - there's always someone much worse off than you! Hey, you're pretty, I'm ugly, so you got a head start right there! :)

Hello Ragdoll so sorry to hear this...I know you live in Kentucky but know that you just made a friend in Southern Cali.

Joyce, you hit it right on the nail. I feel like I don't fit into the circle of friends anymore. Before the colostomy, I had an ileostomy. I noticed then that my friends were doing a lot of things without me: going out to eat, going to parties, just having a good time. They all knew about the ostomy; they came to the hospital to see me. A year later, my doctor thought I was ready for a takedown. Those two words changed my life, or so I thought. The girls came around; we were going out to eat, to parties, shopping, etc. I started having problems and had to get the colostomy. Once again, I noticed the change in the girls again: no calls, no invites out, nothing. To this day, it's still the same. So yes, Primeboy, they were fooling me all those years. Friends don't treat friends like that. I never asked them for anything when it came to the bag. I don't want to be depressed, and in due time, I know it will pass, but I can't and will never understand why the girls turned their backs on me. Was it because of the colostomy?

I hope you are feeling better. We are all here and we love you, as only people who have lived through the same nightmare can. You are not alone!

Hi ragdoll, how are you? I know how you feel! I used to go out a lot and now I basically stay home. Sometimes it is hard to explain to someone about our situation, you know. When you do, they either feel sorry for you or they tend to turn their back on you because we are different. It is sad but true, in my opinion. I also find it hard to trust anyone again. My family has a hard time accepting the bag and all. They should be more understanding. I know that we are all in the same boat here and it is a lot easier to connect with people here. We are accepted. In the long run, I hope that all goes well for you and you need to find out why your friends are distant. I am sure that there is an explanation. Take care of yourself. Keep your head up and keep on smiling!! Chris

Chris, thanks for responding to me. It's amazing to find a lot of people dealing with the same thing. I was going crazy trying to figure out what I've done to make the girls act the way they did. Sorry to hear that your family is having a hard time accepting the bag. I just don't talk about mine when I get around family. I know that they know I have it because when it passes gas, they all look at me. Sometimes I try to joke about it, but they take it to a whole different level. You can say excuse me or don't do it around the food. Don't do it when you're sitting next to me. There are other things that they say, and they say it in a way that hurts. Oh, and let's not forget the bathroom. Don't go stinking up my bathroom. So, most of the time, I just stay in to avoid getting my feelings hurt. My kids are wonderful about the bag. They accept me as I am. They try to protect me from the jokes or the nasty comments. They come over to get me and take me out to different places, to get me out of here. I hope in due time your family will accept you for you and not the bag. I'm going to take your advice and ask the girls what happened. Take care of yourself also. I'll keep in touch, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. ragdoll

I am so glad that you responded to me! My family really doesn't say anything to my face but as soon as I leave the room I hear things like air out the house, or they giggle or make jokes also. It can be very hurtful at times and no matter how you respond to the remarks it hurts you know? We already are in a sensitive state about it so I would think that they could be a little more tactful about it.Hell even my mother jokes about it behind my back in ear shot!! When I get an attitude she pretends to not know why I act the way that I do. I am so sorry for the way people have acted towards you! If you ever need to talk I will be here for you always. Sometimes it is good to let it out and I am a very good listener! Smile.. Oh yeah I almost forgot, using someones bathroom is so embarrassing knowing that the comments are not far behind. I really would like to be your friend if you need one ok? Well take good care of yourself and please try to keep your head up. Chris

Oh yeah I almost forgot ragdoll! I am a free member so we would have to find another way to communicate if you would like to talk. Hope to hear from you soon.

I know how you feel. I have been an ostomate for nearly 2 years when I was diagnosed with high-grade bladder cancer. People ran at the thought of the C word. Then I was told they had to do a radical cystectomy. I had 2 months left to live without the surgery. Well, now I am alone besides my kids and a couple of friends that live hours away, as they thought I was an embarrassment to them. I miss that human contact, just to be held for just a minute. They say I will meet someone one day. I think all countries should organize get-togethers, lunch, movies, etc., so we can have fun, even if only for a day.

irisheyes...we sound just alike and it hurts...I wish people knew what we have been through and what we go through every day...what a great idea to organize a get-together...I'm going to ask some of my friends here and see if they know of anything, and you do the same, and we can get back with each other and compare our info that we have gathered.

Bill... I don't know what to say... As I read those words, tears started to flow... It's like you were with me, living my life... Every word touched my heart... I wonder if I should send this out to my friends.

Or should I just leave it alone and continue to live my life without them? Once I think about it, it's not like I want them in my life again. I just want them to know how much they have hurt me. I've met some wonderful people here, some I consider friends, some who have helped me through some rough times. Thanks again for letting me read your words, and if I decide to send it to them, do I have your permission?

Hello Ragdoll, The way I percieve this verse is that it was inspired by you and encouraged by your readers and contributers. It is based loosely on the sentiments expressed within your blog and you can do whatever you like with it.---I have been writing this type of rhyming verse for many years and I always felt that once the verse on a particular subject was completed and I felt that I had 'immortalised the bastards' that generated my venom, then there was no need for them to actually read the rhymes. It was enough for me to know that the rhymes captured the sentiments of the times. As time moves on and circumstances change, sometimes what was said in the heat of emotional turmoil is not what one might like to be remembered for. Personally, I would leave the verse within the company of people (on this site) who understand and will not respond in any unforgiving, unforgetting, vindictive manner either now or in the future. Best wishes Bill

You are so right...I will keep this here... why give them the chance to hurt me again...I thank you for your rhymes and your friendship...

Hi! Here in the UK, we have stoma groups where we meet up every month. We all have a stoma of sorts. The group I ran when I lived in London was great. We would vent our problems, hoping that others might be able to come up with a solution, and we were friends too. Some used to meet up outside the group too, so there are ways of making friends. However, since I moved here to Herefordshire, I haven't found a group. I tried to start one, hoping that the stoma nurse would help give me some direction, but I'm afraid she is too busy, even too busy to help with my needs! Ain't life great? Lol.

Ya know, it doesn't really matter because if they were real friends, they would have stuck by you. I had my bag attached back in August and I spent 3.5 weeks in the hospital. When I woke up after my surgery, I looked under the sheet in the recovery room and saw my dreaded bag, and although I knew I would possibly end up with one, I hated the idea I knew I had to live with it or just die trying. Well, I go out with or without my wife, and the guys who know me take me for who I am, not what I have wrong with me, because I do not want their sympathy, just their respect. When I get rid of my bag, which is now part of my small intestine, I think I will miss it. If you feel like talking to a member of the osto family, then come and say hi to your new brother.

Hey brother how are you today? I hope that all is well with you also. It is refreshing to know that there are people out there who do care. However it does go both ways. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to drop me a line ok? We as ostomates have to stick together!!! Ya buddy... Anyway, have a good day and take care. Chris