I'm a 62 year old single gay guy and had a total proctocolectomy in July 2024. I'm having issues dealing with this as being gay is who I am and I feel a loss of a big part of my identity. I'm struggling as I've felt very much alone and trying to find support from other gay guys in similar situations and how they have handled the same thing I am currently. How and where to meet new people for friendships and more.
Please help me as I hit walls on this subject
Howdy. There are many gay men and women on this site saying the same thing...in the same place.
Make use of the icons above in the header. You can select from there what and who you are looking for. The menu above will drop down and you take it from there. Good luck.
Keep your chin up. All is not lost.
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First off, this is a pretty cool site with 37,000 members who truly understand you.
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Hello,
Did you get a colostomy, an ileostomy, or an internal ileal pouch?
Many ostemates, gay or straight, have the same issues with intimacy and the body image we have of ourselves. What I've learned from this website, "Gotta be tough, to be an ostemate." Many members here have gone through hell and back with intestinal diseases, cancer, multiple surgeries, setbacks, personal anguish, loss, and rejection. There are no real good answers to the dilemmas we face. Each of us copes in different ways.
At 3 months post-op from your procedure, your body is still getting used to its new normal. It took me about a year to fully recover from colostomy surgery.
Seek out support groups in your area. Ostomy support and gay support organizations. It's good to talk with others who have an ostomy. Good luck.
Straight woman here, but also a Nurse Practitioner with many LGBTQ+ patients, and I understand that sex is an important part of life for many. If you've always been a bottom, this surgery will certainly require change. If you're a top and having problems achieving an erection, perhaps a chat with a healthcare provider about trying one of the available medications. And you're old enough to know there are other ways to achieve satisfaction with your partner!
Like Warrior said, there are many people on this site that may be better able to help.
I wish you the best!
Thank you for such a clear cut answer on this issue. You are an example of one of the reasons I love this site. Totally non-judgmental while sharing your knowledge and experience.
Thank you everyone for your support. This whole journey since my first surgery to remove the colon back in 2017, but without the need for a stoma or ileostomy, has been challenging. This left me desperately struggling to maintain my weight, my nutritional needs, and with any control of my bodily functions, such as uncontrollable diarrhea, even taking up to 100 loperamide every day. That didn't even slow things down and only complicated things with severe irritation because of the overuse of toilet paper around my anus, which then confused the issue between the HPV virus, FAP cancer gene, and the basal cell carcinomas and squamous cell carcinomas, what was actually what.
From day one, ever since suffering from Burkitt lymphoma FOMO back in 2011 and undergoing a rigorous chemotherapy regime for what seemed forever, and then 12 months to the day of being in remission, I found to have an abnormal growth rate of polyps in my colon with high-grade cell changes. Ever since doing that first round of chemotherapy, I wanted nothing more to do with chemotherapy, and I just wanted this dealt with aggressively: remove it, get rid of it, and then I don't have to repeat colonoscopies and endoscopies every two months with the risk of infection, internal bleeding, etc. My surgeon said that we could do that, we could take the anus and the rectum out along with what they termed as anal cancer and be done with it, but over a course of about four hours, the surgeon rethought the idea and said we'll go gentle and try Aldara cream to see if that clears up these other issues that were going on. I was to apply this cream twice a day for five days, have a two-day break, and repeat it for six weeks, and they would give me an ileostomy. That was November last year. I was able to apply the cream for six days before I was in so much pain I could not move. I didn't want to eat anymore because it hurt so much to go to the toilet and poop as I would have leakage, and I ended up in the hospital because of the pain.
We waited a period of time for things to clear up and settle down and to see whether using the cream made any difference, which it didn't, so on the 13th of July 2024, I find myself having a proctocolectomy and a stoma.
I had mentally prepared myself for this surgery right from day one when it was first suggested because I didn't want to do chemotherapy again. I weighed all the pros and cons, and everything stacked up to be positive. I felt positive about the surgery, even to the point where I was going to go out and get a prostitute for the night as my last hurrah to sex. I've always been passive in my relationships, or as someone said, a bottom, and I was happy that I am 62 and I haven't been in a sexual relationship with anyone for 12 years, so I'd resigned myself to the fact that sex was over for me. Once I woke up after the surgery, this last surgery, I just ran into this brick wall and I had to deal with it. Someone suggested that I was actually struggling with the stoma or the ileostomy itself, which I don't have an issue with; it was the fact that I woke up and something that was mine and had been mine for 62 years was no longer a part of me, it was gone, and I was never going to have it back again, and I still have issues. Okay, it has only been three months, but I still have issues trying to deal with it, or not so much it, the surgery, it's people's attitudes. People that are so cruel, particularly in the gay community where gay guys are so body image-focused they forget about the person behind the facade, the person that's in the skin. That's where I am struggling with people's attitudes, discrimination. It's so bloody lonely out there, and trying to find support, talking to my GPs about this, they don't get it, they don't understand, and even trying to talk to my stoma nurse about these things, they kind of get it but don't fully understand as they are not gay. Now it's me discriminating against the straight community. So that's where I'm at, I'm just adrift in a wild ocean out there without direction, and trying to find that direction, or trying to find some direction.
But yes, I have read your comments and I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I just thought I'd put it in a little bit more context for you, and as it was said, there are a lot of people on here that have gone through a similar experience, but it's finding those connections, and up until recently, I have felt so much alone in all this, even with my stoma nurse and surgeons, my family, my friends. I just feel really alone, abandoned, maybe useless would be a better word, and I'm tired of hitting that wall.
As a gay man, I too have been shunned and shamed by some of my brothers in the community. There are many shallow gay guys , especially when it comes to a person’s physical appearance. They are just ignorant and clueless about what really matters in life. What they think about you is none of your business. Do not allow them to define you or bring you down. Do not waste any more energy on them; channel it toward your recovery instead. Straight people also experience this kind of treatment. Women have always been targeted. There will always be haters, no matter what there background and being an ostomate just gives them one more reason to spew it. There are many kind and loving people who are supporting me as I navigate this new life and those are the ones I surround myself with. All this is just my opinion. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.
Thank you so much. You are right; it is their problem. It would be so nice not having to think about what's under my clothes, which I don't do that much of. It's the coming off of the clothes if ever the opportunity did arise. People have been accepting of me in conversation about the stoma, but explaining the rest of the surgery and the fact that I'm a virgin again, that's where the conversation stops and I never hear from them again, even to the point where I'm blocked on their accounts. Sex is not the be-all and end-all. Hell, I have a right hand and am looking at buying some toys for Christmas for myself. I even wear mesh shirts in summer, colour coded of course: the black bags with black bags, grey on grey; you get the picture, but God, it's lonely and people are cruel. Yeah, it's their loss, not mine, and I agree with your comments, but this is so very alien to me. Thank you.
Hello again, I just wanted to add something I've noticed. Once I hit age 50, I noticed people were not so talkative with me. I've been on many cruise vacations since I was 28 years old. Back in my youth, I met and befriended people easily on cruise ships. But after I turned 50, folks would say hello, then hasten to move on. I found my workplace was the same. I'm now 66. Managers avoided me, I wasn't invited to meetings anymore, or consulted about projects that needed help. Younger coworkers avoided me. I still worked 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. I came back to work full time 3 weeks after my colostomy surgery. But no matter... Last April they laid me off after 28 years at the company. I was the only older guy in my department that got the boot. Ageism is subtle discrimination. So you might be facing some of it too.
Life is so very challenging, some days harder than others. I remember over 30 years ago I was seeing the surgeon (who had an office in San Francisco) who performed surgery for my colostomy. I was complaining to him that I was a quarter-century old and had a stupid colostomy! He got angry with me. He stated, "What about the gay men who have lost their anus due to cancer or other diseases? Their loss is far greater than yours." He made me feel ashamed because having the colostomy really gave me my life back (no more spending my life on the toilet, horrible pain in my butt, heavy bleeding from my butt at random times). It is hard, but take it one day at a time, love yourself, and find things you love doing. If you should find that very special someone in your life again, know that there are many ways to make love and show love. This is a great place to visit too, with lots of help here with ideas and suggestions on managing your ostomy.
