Facing Divorce and Loss of Insurance: Need Advice

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22
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15492
blueeyes52
May 02, 2012 4:58 am
I'm not sure what to do

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My husband is divorcing me because I had to have my colon removed

last year on 3-9-11. I'm so worried I am on his insurance and when the

divorce is final I will lose my insurance. I don't know how I would get all

of my supplies: wafers, bags, powder, etc.

When I order, it's for 3 months at a time. I don't pay anything; I'm 100%

covered.



Please

Can anyone give me any ideas?

Thanks

Cindy
Primeboy
May 02, 2012 6:49 am


Maybe you should have chosen a more convenient date for your surgery. Seriously, you need a lawyer, preferably a piranha, to ensure you remain under his medical coverage as part of your settlement. Don't give up the ship in the interests of a friendly, uncontested divorce that ends up leaving you a pauper. Any decent judge should recognize your medical needs as a priority.   PB
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DH
May 03, 2012 12:33 am
Your husband sounds like a jerk. It's unfortunate that you may loose your insurance.But at least you will be rid of that S.O.B.
notexpectingthis
May 03, 2012 1:04 am

Please pack a used, preferably still full, bag in the last box he leaves the house with. For all of us! Talk to your ostomy nurse, or if you don't have one, go to the local hospital and find one! She may have donated supplies there that you can use. Also, I have seen a few people on here offering to ship things they have left over for free to those who need them. Your life is going to be so much fuller without this "man".

southerngal
May 03, 2012 1:13 am
Please take Primeboy's advice.  See a lawyer immediately.  Many years ago, I married a wife beater (didn't know it at the time).  After 3 years and a baby I was desperate to get away.  Since I was afraid of him I went against my lawyer's advice and didn't ask for anything.  That was a big mistake.  I worked 2 jobs and it took me years to become financially stable.  I could never make up to my son the time I spent working vs being at home with him.



My situation may seem very different from yours.  The bottom line is that you need to turn this problem over to a lawyer and let him represent you.



DH is also right.  Your husband sounds like a jerk.
 

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Past Member
May 03, 2012 7:58 pm

I have lots of supplies - had the reversal a few months ago. You're welcome to them should you get to that point. I've held onto them to give to someone who doesn't have insurance.

Craigslist and eBay are godsends in this situation. I'm uninsured and had to have an emergency colostomy out of the blue. I started writing a bunch of stuff about the DIY approach (didn't cut corners - I'm really squeamish. I think I actually improved upon some stuff!) but I'm not sure if that's the kind of advice you're looking for.

bag_n_drag
May 03, 2012 8:22 pm


Ditto, too.
I also married an abusive guy many years ago and stayed with him for over 20 years. At the 10-year mark, I decided that I would devise a plan to leave, and it took me 10 more years to actually execute said plan. I had to work and go to school at night to finally become financially stable enough to support myself and my daughter. And even though I really missed out on some of the time I could have spent with her, I don't regret taking steps to get to the point that I could leave and make it on my own!
Don't rationalize his behavior. If he is leaving you solely because you have no colon, then he is a jerk-o-potamus and you deserve better!
By the way, I also have lots of extra bags and wafers left from my reversal. I am also holding on to them for someone without insurance.

Darla
natosh
May 04, 2012 3:22 pm

Check with ConvaTec; they might help you with supplies. They have helped me in the past.

Immarsh
May 07, 2012 4:51 pm
Hi,

My name is Marsha, and I was going to post to the site, as well as send you a personal message.

When my husband and I divorced after 24 1/2 years of marriage, I was in school and taking care of our two kids who both had IBD. One has Ulcerative Colitis & the other had Crohn's. Once divorced, state laws required that I could not remain on my husband's medical plan, and so had to take out my own. Because I was still in school, I was not employed and so didn't have income or insurance. He was required to pay for my health insurance for 18 months after the divorce.

You need to have a lawyer put that provision into your divorce agreement, and if possible, even have an account created and dispersed through the court system. In my experiences, "agreements" are not worth the paper they're printed on, so unless it's monitored by the court, there's no guarantee that you will get the money for insurance, without having to take your ex-husband back to court.

Best of luck to you. You will adjust and be happier on your own, but it takes time. Feel free to write if you have any questions.

Marsha
jenepooh
May 07, 2012 5:23 pm

First off, let me just say that I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this.
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Looks like you could use some hugs. 3 (hugssssssssssssss)

Secondly, I would definitely lawyer up and get the help needed on your end.

Thirdly, see if the company you order your supplies from will actually let you order more than usual. I know some have a cap on the amount, but hopefully, they'll be nice and let you do this. If not, Convatec actually has a way that you can get supplies from them for free, but if you don't want to go through that right now, there is a group of people that I had to get my supplies from years ago when there wasn't insurance to be had at the time. http://www.bestbuyostomy.com is the website. They're really nice and very helpful and very very useful.
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I wish you the best in everything and if you need to just talk to someone or to rant/rave, we're here for you, Cindy. You're not going to go through this alone. God bless!! 3

-Jen-

Pinky
May 07, 2012 6:01 pm
Hi blueeyes - Been there, done that. Make sure as part of your divorce agreement that your spouse has to make the COBRA payments that will keep you on his insurance!



I was able to stay on my ex-spouse's insurance until I qualified for Medicare. He had to pay the entire premium for me every month, which was about $500 back in 2004-2005.



Has he already served you with the divorce papers? If not, and you live in a state that allows it, I highly recommend mediation rather than going through the divorce court system, especially if children are involved. Considering what an SOB my spouse was in his behavior, when it came to sitting down in front of the mediator, he became very reasonable because he didn't want to look like an asshole in front of her! I got pretty fair compensation, considering. And we made all our own agreements, which the mediator took to the judge and got approved. In my condition then, I never would have been able to go through a court process.



That's only if he's at all a reasonable human being. If not, get an aggressive lawyer to take everything he's got! You are the one the judge will likely sympathize with.
rey21
May 07, 2012 7:57 pm

Another side effect of our shared condition. My wife is not leaving me, but she has not accepted my alteration. She hates any mention of it. Seeing me with my pouch on after taking a shower or going to bed, especially when the pouch has stuff in it, is hard for her to see. I feel like I'm a freak to her. I'm not upset with her, just sad that she has not accepted it. Sometimes I think leaving would be best for us both. For me, I know my ostomy would not be the only reason she would not be happy with me; it just is one more thing that retards our relationship. All relationships are not perfect, and this major physical change is a big one that you can't cover up.

Besides the possibility of having your health insurance costs go up and not being a couple, leaving someone who can't handle the change that has happened may be for the best, don't you think?

If your medical condition is truly the only reason your hubby wants out, it may be best to put yourself in his shoes, not that I want to defend his position. I've had over two years of experiencing many of my family members really think about my change. But the ones who have to live with me are the only ones whose opinions count.

This change, as we've seen, affects those around you in different ways, and you have discovered, unfortunately, that your hubby is not capable of honoring "in sickness and in health."

Instead of fighting this one out, be realistic and ask him for the support, monetary/materially, needed. Tell him that you understand it must be difficult for him after your condition came into play. I would hope that he would have some empathy for you and would agree to not just kick you while you're down.

All the best as you move forward,

Ron

Pilgrim
May 07, 2012 9:51 pm

Ron (rey 21) is the only person who appears to understand reason here and says it much more eloquently than I would. For someone to make a statement that their spouse left solely because of their ostomy and for those who respond to these statements as "He's a jerk" are really in denial.
Of course, get a lawyer involved as it comes to your medical needs after he leaves and also contact www.ostogroup.org for very cheap ostomy supplies.
Kevin

shell
May 07, 2012 10:43 pm

I myself have been in your situation. I ended up not divorcing my ex, just legally separating. If you do this, you can still be covered on his insurance, if he agrees to do so. Unfortunately, I "negotiated" giving up his retirement (which I was entitled to), in exchange for the insurance. I feel health insurance is far more important than anything else, considering your situation. And truthfully, he ends up making out in the end. The amount he pays for you to be on his insurance is probably minimal, compared to other things he may be obligated to pay. Try talking to a lawyer or going with a "mediator" - it's a lot cheaper. That way, the two of you can work things out amicably, if that is possible. Good luck! Shell-

Juuust_James
May 08, 2012 5:47 am

I understand your worry - I have just a very limited insurance plan that only applies to office visits - doesn't cover supplies, so I've been stuck for the past 6 years paying 50 bucks for a box of 5 one-piece pouches, and that lasts me 5 to 6 weeks. :p

tweetybird
May 09, 2012 8:56 pm
Hi,



I know that Convatec will provide a once-a-year 'destitute' allowance for 6 months. Go on their website and give them a call if you require assistance with your supplies.



Not sure if you use Convatec, but I have an ileostomy and they have assisted me.



Don't get discouraged when you talk to them... The individual you speak to does not have an ileostomy or colostomy.



Stay positive and know that you are loved...



Best
franmcg53
May 15, 2012 2:47 am

I don't have any insurance either. Try www.ostogroup.org, and I go to ostomy support meetings where I am able to get free supplies from other members. I'm sure there is an ostomy support group in your area.

I knew that a guy would dump you for something like that. I don't date (not like I am that young), but I don't even consider it. I get lonely sometimes, but I think I will get a cat; they don't care if you have something different about you.

blueeyes52
May 15, 2012 4:48 am
franmcg53
Thank you so much for the website. You know, I was married for 7 years
to my husband. Well, still married, but you would think after 7 years you
loved each other enough that something like this would not matter,
but I guess I was wrong.
I do have a small dog; she is my baby girl, and grandkids that keep
me busy. It has been 1 year and 2 months since my surgery.
I have not been on a date either. I'm just about ready to give up
on men...


Thanks
     Cindy
Juuust_James
May 15, 2012 6:26 pm

Sorry for going "off topic," but after reading the last few replies on dating, I wanted to comment. I've had my ostomy for over 15 years now, and have been in 3 relationships over that time period—and none of the ladies had a problem with my pouch—I was the one that did. Then, once I saw that they cared about me for what's on the inside, it no longer was a big issue for me either. I've always told ladies about it long before we got close enough to start talking about or experiencing intimacy, so this way, if they felt uncomfortable about it (hasn't happened yet), then we could both go our separate ways and things wouldn't be difficult or uncomfortable. My philosophy is: If someone couldn't accept me for my ostomy, then I deserve better!
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franmcg53
May 16, 2012 11:17 pm
Hi Juuust_Jim:




I have to apologize upfront because I am going to sound sexist; but women are usually not as judgmental. Examples: I remember back in the 70s, there would be men sitting at the workplace cafeteria and rating or commenting on all the women that came into the cafeteria. Mostly, women don't do that. I remember in the 90s, I was working at a place and we women decided to have a ladies' luncheon, and a lot of the men were upset about this. We could not figure out why; then my boss at the time said that it was because we were going to talk about the men. It was the farthest thing from my mind and from those I talked to.

I have found men to always be extremely critical. My dad is kind of senile and he is still like that, most of the men I have dated: critical, the examples I listed above. I would love to believe that a man could be open enough to embrace a woman who has a bag, but the past has shown me that most men just don't have it in them.



This is a rhetorical question, but would you date someone with an ostomy? Have you talked to your male friends about it? Maybe because you have an ostomy, you would be more open to the experience, but your friends?



Sorry, but that has been my experience.
Juuust_James
May 17, 2012 8:40 pm
Well Honestly -I dont have have any male friends now -and have had very few in the past. I am very old fashioned with my morals and values -especially when it comes to speaking about and treating women with respect and an equal. I refused to go to Bar to drink and especially go to strip joints like a lot of Guys I was friends with in my youth. You are right though in how a vast majority of Men "rate" women openly in public but i dont see a whole lot of difference in that and the way millions of Women lust over those fake Vampires in those Twilight Movies? When I used to be on Facebook, i had Dozens of female friends that drooled over those Guys openly and repeatedly in their comments -and their fictional characters

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blueeyes52
Jun 12, 2012 6:52 am
Thanks everyone for your suggestions and ideas. I have not lived with the SOB for over a year and 3 months, and I still have his med inc. See, I used to live in Des Moines, Iowa, with the SOB, and my med inc was paid 100%. But see, I moved with my son and his family because my daughter-in-law got promoted in Council Bluffs. I did not have anywhere to go after coming home from the hospital, so I had to move with them to Omaha, Nebraska, and now I'm out of network for my med inc.










Thanks everyone again

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               Cindy
tweetybird
Apr 08, 2013 3:39 pm

ConvaTec will provide a once-a-year indigent supply, which is quite generous, and you can get a lot of supplies at 800.422.8811. Also, find out where there is a wound care specialist in your area - usually at a hospital - and go in to see them for fitting, advice, and recommendations. That helped me out a lot. All the best... Tweety Bird