Struggling with Intimacy After Surgery: Seeking Advice

History:


I was diagnosed with UC in January 2011, underwent a partial colectomy in August 2011, opted for a "J Pouch" in February 2012, and underwent J Pouch reversal surgery in January 2013. I have recovered completely and am a "Stomite" as we speak.

My wife was by my side throughout the roller coaster ride and over the last 3 years. We love each other.


Problem:


The physical relationship aspect of our married life did take a hit. However, I am back to reasonably good levels of performance and have been responsive for the past few months. However, and unfortunately, it appears that my wife does not find me attractive anymore and is keeping away on the pretext that her libido levels have gone down.


I believe that the appliance is not a good sight and she is not physically attracted to me anymore. Further, I feel I am not meeting her expectation levels. I am not getting younger - anyway.


Expectations from my friendly Somites:


Please do advise as to what I should do going forward. How do I handle this situation?

I was married for many years, and if you want my advice, you guys should have a really frank discussion. If the appliance is truly what is putting her off, just hide it. Although why it would put anyone off is beyond me, it's a freaking pouch. Big deal. If it were my partner that this happened to, I wouldn't care. I understand that not everyone probably feels that way though. So what I would do if I were in your situation is just buy a few wraps. They go around your waist and have a pocket on the inside you tuck your pouch into. You can't see the pouch or your scars. Men's wraps are available on the internet for about $25 a pop. BOOM. Problem solved
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Well, in theory lol.

Hey there Nazum,

Maybe her libido has changed. Women are complicated emotional creatures, and perhaps your illness and surgery have dampened her need to be physical with you!

I'd hide the pouch - seeing or smelling a pouch must be off-putting. And then, I'd gradually try to get closer, with cuddling, embracing, intimacy, etc., without the aim of intercourse. Can you get some books about psychosexual techniques? There is loads of information out there, and plenty of ways to rebuild the bond that you once had.

Hi Violet,



Many thanks for your views. Undoubtedly, it's a case of loss of physical attractiveness and understandably so. I've tried it all - from keeping the pouch as clean as can be, to using fragrance facilitators as well as wrappers, etc.



I am in the process of taking outside help, such as a psychologist. Unfortunately, one is neither trained to face a tsunami nor its aftermath. Unconditional love is indeed a rarity and understandably so. The disease has taught me to never say die, and I am optimistic that love could triumph.



I have not been able to access all the views - only the ones which have been received as a message. Do keep providing me with your valuable inputs.



God bless



Nazum

Nazum,
I am glad to hear that you are recovering well. As for your wife's libido, I am assuming that she is not too much younger than you. If so, she is right in the range of menopause and her libido is definitely being affected. Just as you do, she needs understanding and, if possible, some help. I know that I, myself, bottomed out and really went through a tough time until I got some bioidentical hormones. Not the regular ones...they are dangerous. They helped me get my sense of self back as well as libido, energy, mood, sleep, end of hot flashes, etc. Men go through this too and you are also right in that range. It's called andropause. I suggest getting both your hormone levels checked. I can suggest what to read about it if you are interested. Being in India, there may be Ayurvedic alternatives as well.
Stress can exacerbate or provoke these issues so be gentle and patient with each other in the process.
All the best,
Lisbett

Staying Hydrated with an Ostomy with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Well, could it be true? Does she need to see a doctor? How is she feeling? Maybe she is exhausted and in need of some pampering...
How about once she is checked out and the okay sign is given, you have a weekend away together, maybe something romantic. It could even be local... a hotel, hot tub, massage, champagne...

Sometimes it's not where you go but how you get there~

Many thanks to 348 people who responded with their views. Please do not laugh when I say that I do not know how to access these views and it is my loss. I have sent an email to the administrator for help and am waiting for a reply.

Cheers!

Nazum

Many thanks to 348 people who responded with their views. Please do not laugh when I say that I do not know how to access these views and it is my loss. I have sent a mail to the administrator for help and am waiting for a reply.

Cheers!

Nazum

Hi Nazum ~ 348 people have viewed your post, but only 7 have left a comment as of this point in time — many people look but don't comment.

Nazum - I really feel for you. While I've not had your particular problem, I did experience my husband of 26 years leaving me for lack of sexual activity, and he found a woman who was extremely sexually active. Hence, they married and he just passed away 1 year ago on October 1st. Unfortunately, I think there are lots of people who give up on a partner due to illness...nobody seems to take marriage vows seriously anymore, i.e., "in sickness and in health." He had always had ulcerative colitis and made it very clear he'd rather die than wear a bag. Well, oddly, I was the one ending up with the bag due to a ruptured colon while I was in the hospital for something else. He died right before I got the bag towards the end of October. I have no doubt that he would have left me because of that if the other had not already happened. He was the love of my life, and he did admit to me when I was very ill last year that he made a mistake and still loved me. I just hope he went where I hope he went, and I'll see him again in heaven. I've never wanted another man in my life. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.