Coping with Isolation & Unemployment - Seeking Help & Tips

Hi everyone, I am
and new to this site.

I have had a permanent ileostomy for just twenty years now and have coped reasonably well through many years of surgery.

Lately, I have been suffering heavily with anxiety, more about my past choices than my current situation, which is bad enough as I have recently been made unemployed again. After coping so well, I have now found myself feeling utterly lost as I never married and have no friends to speak of. Previously, I had spent every day running which kept me sane, but now my joints are playing up. I'm not so young anymore. Even though I know these thoughts are irrational and pointless, I can't shake them and find it totally debilitating. I have tried many things but can't seem to find any point in anything.

I am sure there are people who have coped with a lot more than me, but all the answers I seem to hear involve talking to friends, etc. However, this is not really an option for me. I would appreciate any help or tips if anybody has experienced anything like this.

Kind regards,

Phil.

Hi Phil,

Just a couple of thoughts from me.

First, give yourself some credit ... you've handled an ileostomy for 20 years. Well done.

Don't allow yourself to dwell in the "have no friends/stay at home/no job" space in your head for too long. Have a plan of some sort. Do you want to find another job? If so, do something every day towards that. And the big thing ... make sure you are in contact with someone every day. Doesn't have to be a close friend, or even a friend. Smile or talk to someone at a store. Try to be with people every day or so. Go to the library. Don't isolate yourself. The feelings of being alone, with no job and now limited physical capabilities ... can see why anxiety may be a problem.

That said, if you are feeling great anxiety and depression, see a professional. When you had gastrointestinal problems, you knew you needed a professional. Same here. If the feelings linger and debilitate you, look for help.

Wishing you all the best,

Beatrice

I know how you feel, I think. I can just be sitting here reading and then all of a sudden I will get panicked for no reason. I have been on tranquilizers but when this happens they are no good. I sometimes will go for a walk or drive to our Walmart and wander around for a while and at times that will help. Don't know what else to do????

I agree with Beatrice. She has some great advice. I have also bought a Yoga Nidra CD by James Jewell. It was recommended to me as meditation for "the busy mind". It helps a lot when I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

The answer seems obvious to me! You have joined this site for a reason, and that reason is to reach out to others and make friends. Why don't you search for other ostomates in your area and make friends with them? That would be a good start. I looked at your photo in close-up and you look like a very nice man to me, who should have no difficulty in making new friends. If I wasn't old enough to be your mother or lived near you, I'd make friends with you!!!

Living with Your Ostomy | Hollister

Hi Phil,

First of all, big hug. :))

Now. There is a lot I could say, but let's start with this.

There are times in our lives that we feel "divine discontent". It is like the universe is saying, "Hey, there is more to all this than the daily grind. Time to wake up to it."

Having a job does not define your worth. Having an ostomy does not define your worth. You are an incredible, totally worthy child of the universe (God) just as we all are. You are important.

Without going into all the darkness of what I went through, I will simply share with you that in those darkest times, you need to use your willpower and practice gratitude. Focus on being grateful for anything you can think of...even just breathing, a beautiful sky, a non-leak day, a roof over your head...you get the picture. By taking your focus off the darkness and putting it on gratitude, you are turning your energy around. The universe will answer you with more to be grateful for. The universe does not judge you. It will simply give you more of what you hold in your focus...be it gratitude or...sadness. It simply says YES to whatever you focus on. You choose. It is time to exercise that choice and willpower to do so.

You are incredible! Live it! :))

I hear you. My UC surgery was in 1996, then I got diabetes from 10 years of steroids. In the evenings, I get anxious, depressed, and then the munchies. It messes up my blood sugar, and then I get upset. When it gets bad enough, I take something. I miss having someone here. Nearly every morning, I get up, get dressed, and go out. Sometimes for errands, other times to thrift shops. I just need to talk to somebody, smile, and feel alive. As the years have gone by, it's really become difficult to stand, sit, walk - and the pain makes me mad! I can't do the outdoor activities, parties, or volunteer as before. I've tried joining MeetUp groups, but it's either older couples or 20-30 somethings - not the same without a partner. I tried the Senior center, but it's also mostly couples knitting groups sitting and staring at one another. Getting old is a bitch. No matter what happy optimists say, I hate the way my body's aging. I've outlived most all of my family and friends. However, Twitter is beneficial - it helps me find friendly, optimistic contacts who share interests. I really wish the local ostomy group had not disbanded. I wish you a great day and hope you find a friend to share whatever makes you happy.

Hearts,

Why not start one? You have the power! I am in Fort Worth, Texas. Another ostomate and myself took charge of the one here when it was going down the tubes. So many have thanked us.

You can do this! When we truly give from the heart, we receive so much back. It's inspiring and humbling.

:)

Hi Phil,

Let me tell you, first I agree Beatrice had a good word of advice. However, things are easier said than done. Anxiety plagues a lot, so you're not alone. I am going to talk to you as a guy...I am one lol. You had this for 20 years, so you were probably young, like me, no kids, not married. So that means it puts you in a different category because most have their degrees, marriages, or children before getting hit with w.e (at least one of those). It's hard to date young, now throw this into the vain world of a young man.......then you get dotted sentences as if there are no words to fill in, but blank emotion. I remember Phil, there was a time I was so down, the only thing that touched my face was the cross around my neck. I found I couldn't cry, not because I was unable to, I just couldn't. At first we are scared of the unknown, but then when we forge on, we are tampered with that cross touching the face feeling, and sometimes it seems we are not scared of the unknown but the known. Knowing that you have an injury that won't go away, knowing there is a surgery with a mark. That chain around the neck feeling Phil is depression...pause....depression at its finest! It's depression, but also a sign of struggle and giving up. However, in these moments Phil, is when we learn our true strengths. Not strengths that you can hear, smell, and easily describe. They are intangible (you cannot touch them) silent strengths. They want to be heard, they are screaming, but remember they are silent. And when you're out there and you meet someone who sees your silent strength, keep them, for your strength is no longer silent. It was always strong, but now it has an echoing voice, some people call this their other half, I call it a partner in crime. Hey, I am too crazy, I want someone to share some life with and have fun, and go to jail with me so to speak. I say that because going to a prison where these strengths can't be heard and by yourself is not a good place. These are character-building moments. You probably have a lot of character Phil. Why is this so important? Let me tell you, ever see a hot girl...and girls ever see a hot guy? Then you talk to them, and nothing is there. They are a blank canvas when everyone in the world wants to hear them....but there is nothing behind the looks to hear, so people don't. It's because they don't have those silent strengths or character-building skills, just looks. I notice when I talk to women, they are shocked that I can carry a conversation, and I am not intimidated by anything in that conversation. That is character-building, you probably have a lot of that, and trust me.... women like that. I built 1/3 of my confidence through pain Phil. 1/3....33. What makes me weak and want to put my head down, also gives me confidence? Not a surgery, but what I learned to get up when that down.

Phil, I am writing this before going to bed, it is late my time...I also bled like crazy from a wound and I have no idea lol if I should have gone to the ER, cause it never happened before. However, it stopped and I am fine with the unknown now at times. Before I would have rushed to the ER. Why am I writing this? I went through all that just a few hours ago, and I am writing you. If I am doing that, at this hour, with what just happened...Phil I am sure many will as well. Not just on the internet but in person. Far as women, look at what I wrote above. Don't believe me? My phone just went off a few times as of this writing, guaranteed it was women- or a friend insulting my Cowboys who play the Bears tonight lol- it's the NFL. You know why, I can carry a convo...character building. I cannot tell you when I was younger I was undersized, was made fun of, had low self-esteem...now through this in the mix...boom!

Let me tell you, never be afraid to fail. Never one time I did something and did it right was I afraid to fail. I failed if I was scared to. Whatever I did, I would always fail, I think I have failed at everything I did, but when I did right, eventually would have success. You will have the naysayers, people will tell you, or maybe in your case YOU tell yourself,...you cannot do this or that. Remember you're always going to have some failure, but with certain things (not surgery different story) don't be afraid to. I remember walking into the gym, which used to be a second home. I remember after surgery I could not lift a bar more than 95lbs. I would warm up with 135 like nothing before. Let me tell you, I knew I would fail. So I would walk past the gym and the weights and leave.....because I was afraid to fail. When I got over that 1 1/2 years later, I went back, I knew I would fail, but wasn't afraid to fail. I tried maybe 50 times, many weeks, on bench to get to 135 (a mere warmup set in the past) and I failed. However, on the 51st try, I did it. Then before you know it 200, 225, 250 etc etc. I was told to my face, I could never lift above 50lbs again in my life. I would tell doctors and it was laughable. Why would I want to lift again...when " I am Healthy surgically"....And had a TIA (Minor Stroke) and other side effects. Now I had to find out different ways to lift. Sometimes you have to think outside the box. It took me another 1 1/2 years to come up with a good w/o program to suit my needs. I am not saying break the law, but sometimes you have to think outside the box and break some of your own rules. I had to face that gym demon, the rule I told myself that I couldn't do it. Never be afraid to fail.

You know, I wrote a blog about dating way back, click my profile and read it, I think it is," Dating and actual convo." There was a person I gave advice to in their 40s and they almost broke down crying. Oh btw they were a director of a program, and started asking q's as they faced the unknown. Check it out. I will paraphrase what someone I heard before...." You can never climb the ladder of success with your hand in the pocket." If you ever need workout tips I can help. I will not lie, this topic hit home a little for myself, and I actually went to a support group and didn't realize that people didn't know how to properly train for Mass. Some were so depressed and wanted to lose weight to have a J pouch... no doctor- btw there was a Ph.D and nurse in the room- knew what to tell them. I started talking, now I mssg one person every other day...they are older and married...but they need to lose weight, and I showed them things.. Btw she looked up things for me, like my wrap in the pic- still trying to find it...So again I will repeat," You can never climb the ladder of success with the hand in the pocket." Also, do not be afraid to fail, go out, be the best version of you that you can be. People will always fail, but success comes to those who fail, but are not afraid. Anxiety and depression are a cruel betch that I take out on a few dates every week (metaphor yes you can laugh) but somehow someway, I do not marry or commit to those two....Deep down I know I will have my bad days, but I won't settle the rest of my life with them, I just take them out on a few dates every now and then.

Sincerely,

Dcrazy AKA Rick Bitty

Hi everyone,

Just a big thanks to you all for taking the time to post, it is really appreciated.

I am sorry for the delay in response, I have just been moping and not been online for a while.

Thanks for all the inspirational thoughts, I wish you all well, you are all great people.

X

Hi Beatrice, I hope you are well today.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post, it is really appreciated.

A lot of what you say makes sense, alas it can sometimes appear difficult to implement

the ideas. It doesn't help that I am one of these people who tend to overthink things as well.

Thanks again and if you want to chat about anything please feel free any time.

Many thanks

Phil.

Hey Swede,

Yeah, your feelings sound so familiar. I just feel like I have to get out of the moment, but I just don't know how. I used to run many miles, but I struggle now with some joint problems. I walk a lot, but it doesn't give me that same natural endorphin rush, and I just carry on worrying too much. I hope things improve for you. Please keep me posted, and thanks for replying to my post.

Cheers,

Phil.

Hi Picket, hope you are well.

Thanks for the message and information, it is appreciated.

I will look into it.

Cheers,

Phil.

Hi Cecille,

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I am so sorry about the delay in replying.

You are right, of course. I have reached out, and hopefully just talking on this forum will help.

I really appreciate your kind words. Please feel free to chat whenever you need to, anytime you like.

I hope you are well today.

Many thanks,

Phil.

Hey Vikinga,

I hope you are well today.

Big thanks for your words of inspiration, they make a lot of sense.

I have for most of my life always tried to look at how lucky I am, when you consider the

problems ;many people on this earth of ours have to face just to survive, so I thankyou for reminding me.I think if I can get a job it will go a long way to at least getting my mind focussed, but every time I apply for one I don't even seem to get to the interview stage and then I assume it is because of my age.

Thanks again Vikinga and please feel free to shout ;if you want to chat about anything.

Many thanks,

Phil.

Thanks, Hearts,

I hope you are doing okay today, you have a lot to cope with.

I know what a difference it can make just to talk to someone, it can get you through the day.

Thanks for replying to my post, please post for a chat whenever you want.

Good luck,

Phil.

Hi dcrazy,

Thanks for all those thoughts and information, you sound like you are doing good.

When I was younger, I too never let anything stop me, but as I have gotten older I have become too reflective about my life perhaps! I really appreciate all your words, many thanks.

Best wishes,

Phil.

Hi, just wanted to say, hope you are feeling better. I think some days it does appear from nowhere, that wall of memories and anxiety. Try to be kinder to yourself, you sound like a nice person. I think as we get older all those thoughts can clog you up. What we need is a defrag button, like a PC! Healing hugs

Hey Dazer,

Thanks so much for the message and kind words.

Lately, especially over the Christmas period, the thoughts got deeper and darker, and I really have been struggling to try and stay positive. I feel like I am a different person to the one I was only a year ago.

Totally get your PC analogy. I just wish there was an off button, and I could just stop the thoughts from entering my head, but like "Pandora's box," once you have those thoughts, you can't lose them for good.

Sorry to be talking so much about myself, again something I never seemed to do. I hope all is well with you, Dazer, and if not, and you want to chat, please do so.

Thanks again for the message.

All my best wishes,

Phil

Hey Phil, I think you got a lot of great advice here. We all got to see how much caring there is from so many wise folks. I know you've been told things like “I feel your pain” and “I felt exactly the same”. My thoughts are that nobody felt your pain; it's yours and only you feel it the way you do. Others might have had the identical physical conditions, procedures, pains, discomforts and difficulties but felt them differently. It's difficult to understand and accept that not only did we get sick, suffer the pain of the disease and/or the surgeries and all the other stuff then we get the anxiety, depression, PTSD and sometimes just totally whacked out. I felt so rotten I went to a psychiatrist. I visited him seven times over a period of about ten weeks. He prescribed garbage meds and his "therapy" angered me to the extent that he became my greatest source of depression. I decided if I was to get better I needed to face the facts and learn how to handle things without hurting myself or anyone around me. This forum has been exponentially more beneficial than my shrink. People care for us here, maybe even love us and we owe them and ourselves, of course, our best effort to get better. You've been so gracious in your appreciation of everyone's offerings and you will be well. Keep in touch and you'll continue to get sincere offerings. We understand because we've been there and some of us revisit that ugly place some times. We'll all be better somehow because we have to.

Respectfully,

Mike

Hey Mike, thanks loads for your post.

You're right about the advice and care, I have noticed.

The fact that my problems are a case of the perfect storm this past year and not particularly just about my ileostomy has not stopped me from finding some good advice, something I have struggled to find after losing my job and not having anyone to turn to in my life. It is really appreciated by myself.

So many thanks, Mike, for taking the time to post and hopefully we will chat again in the future.

Take care mate,

Phil.

Hi Phil, I am sorry to read about your anxiety. The trails of posts are really great about this topic. I think of anxiety as the game whack-a-mole. Once the anxiety disappears, back into its hole, it reappears somewhere else, maybe not right away but comes back, always for me in the middle of the night. I can relate to getting older and looking back. I can't remember exactly where I heard this but someone shared with me, "We can't change the past, tomorrow is a dream, and today is a gift. That is why it is called a present." I try to remember "just for today" when I begin to worry. I know that I have shared this online before, but March is the month when I had my ileostomy surgery. I still can't believe how sick I was and how I almost died. I was the healthy one in my family, eating well, watching and trying to keep life balanced. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy myself when I was younger... rock concerts, dance clubs, traveling, trips to the beach, and everything in between. I even went back to school to earn another degree. It scares me to death to think of where I have been. Everyone here understands the sickness journey as others can't. How can a person describe bowel disease to someone who has not experienced it? I remember when I was sick, really sick and declining, a family member asked me many times why I was not taking the pink stuff... Pepto-Bismol (sp) to cure my GI problems. I explained over and over again that this was not the medicine for UC, but they refused to hear me. Another family member blamed me for getting sick, claiming that I did not respond to the UC symptoms quickly enough, which is why I needed an ostomy.... Are you kidding me? How can some people be so rude? Anyway, I take each day one day at a time. I try and practice gratitude and forgave one of the meanies in my life. I realized it was their defect of character, not mine. So I continue on, appreciating life's little blessings. I was very blessed because my husband, the support groups, and this site were there for me during all of the difficult and the good times. I hope that you are feeling better soon. Keep posting as everyone has great information to share and to be shared. LH

Thanks, LadyHope, love the name by the way.

Really appreciate your post and interesting perspective, wish sometimes it was "whack a mole" because I would really love the chance to hit back! Don't know why all these thoughts suddenly appeared as if someone had just turned them on, but they just aren't going anywhere and like I say; it's the "Pandora's box" situation where once you have let these thoughts in, you can't pretend they are not there. Just got to come up with a way of dealing with them, as I am sure lots of people do. The thing is the ileostomy is only one part of a many-faceted problem, the anxiety/depression has become an individual problem and caused me to face all kinds of dark thoughts.

Many thanks again for the post and advice, it is received with much appreciation.

Take care, LadyHope.

Phil.

Thanks Phil for posting again. This is just a thought...I find if I am really low and thinking all sorts of sad situations, I will go for a long walk to get the heart pumping and the body moving. My friends who exercise daily (I don't, sadly) say it is the endorphin hormones kicking in, making a person feel better. I usually feel better after a long walk. Unfortunately, this time of year where we live, the weather is cold and unpredictable. Today, we are in the middle of a wintry mix of snow, sleet, freezing rain, and rain. I could be literally risking my life just walking around the block. Last year, my girlfriend was getting into her car and slipped, fracturing her hip and was out of commission for three months. Another friend fell, hit her knee, and needed a total knee replacement. Walking is out for me unless I go to the local shopping mall or grocery store. But, there is nothing that beats a great walk on a clear, sunny day in the spring or the fall. Counting the days until spring..... Take care Phil and hope things improve soon. LH