A loner with a stoma

Hi Bill and Ta Zuk. As you pointed out, you have been there for others and now you are abandoned. However, you now have thousands of people on this site who heard what you had to say and will bear you up as much as possible. You are not alone. I have been trying through court-ordered mediation for a few years to see my grandchildren; however, unfortunately, due to ignorance, my son and his wife won't come near me in case they catch cancer or poo on them. Shame on them. I had to listen to an hour and a half of verbal abuse last night (I thought I might be able to reason with my son, so I'm an idiot!) before my husband realized what was going on (as I was in bed and he was in another room), before he took the phone and ended the conversation. That is my own flesh, and all he sees is the illness. And when I was nursing, I'm sure the first thing I learned about cancer is it's not contagious!! So my friend(s), vent as much as is needed to restore your peace of mind and take comfort in being heard, and I believe you will be on many prayer lists. Sorry for being long-winded. I will watch out for you online, and I will be thinking of you when you have your surgery. God bless, Lorraine.

Hello Lorraine. So sorry to hear that you are still having problems with your family. I developed a set of three guidlines that help me ascertain whether or not it is likely to be worthwhile entering into a conversation regarding problems.1) Does the person recognise the problem as a problem? 2) Is the person willing to change? 3) Are they willing to work at changing? If any number of these questions is answered negatively then I feel there is little point in entering into a conversation in the first place.I hope this may be helpful Best wishes Bill

Thanks, Bill. Sad to say, you are absolutely correct. Our son called last night and sadly spent an hour and a half of my life I won't get back explaining and really getting into me why I can't see him, his wife, or the grandchildren. I heard from the family court that this is an irresolvable case as they want to be right, not interested in trying to mend this. The main reasons were a. cancer could be catching (duh) b. I have to wear fentanyl patches to cope with pain and they don't want their children around a drug user (duh). So unfortunately, we are going to have to draw a line under the situation and walk away, which breaks my heart. I also found out this week that I have more metastases and will need further surgery soon and stronger chemo. I have asked for a couple of weeks breathing space to digest the info and then I want to have the biopsies done again to be sure. So my friend, I appreciate your efforts as I feel a bit lost, trying to keep upbeat for my husband, but I am dying inside. So thank you so very much. Lorraine

Um, typo not dieting inside, dying but my spell checker keeps mixing up my words! At least it made me laugh xx

Hello lorraine. It's such a sad and unnerving set of circumstances when you have tried so hard and nothing productive comes out of it. It's also pitiful that they are acting as an unfortunate role-model for your grandchildren. Lets hope that the grandchildren will grow up to recognise what seems morally and emotionally right and wrong independently of what they are told by their parents. I hope things start to pick up for you soon Best wishesBill

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Thanks Bill and Lorraine. I know we should not treat others as they treat us, but sometimes the anger of being alone acts out. I most likely, as always, will be there for anyone who needs my support. I just wish I had a friend like me :) Lorraine, I hope your son sees sense and sees the hurt he is causing you (hugs).

Such a sad situation, Lorraine. How sharper than a serpent's tooth is it to have a thankless child (Lear). Unfortunately, the grandchildren are now learning how they should treat their parents in their time of need. What goes around comes around. I know this thought does not make your life any easier but it places the family at the absolute center of healthy socialization. PB

Thank you, Primeboy, and everyone who has taken the time to encourage me. I am truly grateful. It has been the worst week of my life, but through people who care (my friends and family and the friends I have made here), it has given me the strength to deal with a very difficult week. It is only Thursday, but I have had to set some boundaries and use my husband as a filter to prevent constantly having to go over the problems I have at the moment. I am so blessed to have such a good man (we went to school together; I have known him since I was 13 and he was 16) and we have never been apart, so God gave me a man he knew would love me unconditionally and forever. But to list in order what has happened in one week will help me banish the weight of the situation.
1. I have been diagnosed with further metastases.
2. I have been diagnosed with heart failure.
3. I have lost my eldest son and his family because they truly believe that they can catch my condition!!!! LOL.
4. I had to make a decision to discontinue life support for my mother 24 hours ago, and so it will only be a case of a few days or a couple of weeks at most. It was what she wanted, and although I live in Australia and she lives in Cambridge, England, she trusted me enough when she drew up her advance health directive that she put me down as the person to contact. It was a heart-wrenching thing to do, but I don't want my mum to suffer, and I hope that my family will make the decision if I can't so that I don't suffer. It still felt as if I was giving a vet permission to put my pet to sleep, though, terrible.
So I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to encourage me and help with advice or just kind words. I'm not giving in, but I just wanted to make sure everyone knew how grateful I am. A 100,000 blessings to you all. Lorraine.

Hello Lorraine. It sounds as though you have more than enough on your plate at the moment. I just wanted to offer you some support regarding your decision about your mother. It is great that she was able to share her wishes with you before this set of circumstances arose and it gives me great hope to think that you are willing to support her in her hours of need. Because I too have such an advance directive, it gives me great comfort to believe that my wishes will be fulfilled should I ever end up in such a position. There's is often not a lot we can do about the crap that life throws our way so it is good to know that support is available for others to do for us those things we would like to do for ourselves. Best wishes Bill.

To Bill, Primeboy, Ta Zuk, and everyone who has listened to me whine all week, thank you so much. Isn't it strange that the people who can care most are friends we make online without really knowing each other personally? I do feel that I have never felt so grateful or so lost for words for the love and kindness I have received! Thank you isn't enough, but it's all I have.

Bill, good morning. I see that my fellow ostomates are responding to a loner with a stoma. I really feel that you hit a home run with that. Sometimes, I feel like a loner with a stoma, in all honesty. It's very touching and so real..... Angelicamarie

Hello Angelicamarie.
Thank you so much for posting your comments on 'Loner with a stoma'. It means a lot to me to know that there are still people out there who are reading these verses and even getting something from them. There are a lot of us who feel this way at times and it is very good that we have a site like this where we can air our views and concerns amongst those who know what it's like.
Best wishes
Bill

Hey Bill

It's only when something like this happens that you find out who your true friends are. I certainly did! I lost my best friend... my husband! He just couldn't cope with my stoma, and that was more hurtful than my surgery x

Hello Taz.
Thank you for posting your thoughts and your experience on this issue which, unfortunately many people have suffered from.
I find it very difficult to understand how people can react so negatively to such a minor thing in life. It must be part of their dysfunctional personalities that they cannot cope with anything slightly different. Perhaps this shallow, self-centred perspective enables them to keep their little worlds insulated from what goes on everyday around them. They have little or no idea of the damaging effects their behaviour can have on people who do care about things and people. One of the things I like about this site is that we can support each other, not only because we know what it is like to live with a stoma but most of us have had a taste of those insensitive, hurtful 'others' who only cater to their own needs and expect others to cater to their needs as well.
Best wishes
Bill

So true, Bill x

Hello Taz.
I have a saying (lifted from this site) and stuck to the cupboard on top of my computer and it reads: 'If you want to find a true friend you can trust, get a dog.(or, I'm sure a horse will do just as well)
Best wishes
Bill

That is so true and I found my 5 besties in the four-legged variety, 3 dogs, 2 horses, and sanctuary ????
Best wishes x

Most of my academic research was on people and their relationships to their pets and the saying seems to support my own research findings surprise- surprise!
However, it is not surprising that our pet-friends couldn't give a damn about whether we have a stoma or not. Perhaps our human friends could learn something from them.
Best wishes
Bill

How about that? Love you regardless!!! Angelica Marie

Angelicamarie. You are a gem!