How to disclose an ostomy to a new partner?

Jeffrey, well said, you are right.. We need to use our brain and not let the bandage be our baggage.. I looked at your profile and I wish you were here in Jersey and not all the way across the country as I would like to have coffee with you...

Will keep that in mind, Ady. Thank you.

And Juliet replied:
Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself . . .
It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man.
O, be some other name!
What's in a name?



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...That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

I am not sure a name change would lead to a lasting change in perception, but it's worth a try. Still, keep in mind "The course of true love never did run smooth (AMND)."        PB

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

This thread has me completely confused. Did something change while I was married? I would think if you knew someone well enough to be "intimate" with them then you'd have a good sense of whether or not they'd accept your ostomy.

I had other medical problems when I was young that put me at a disadvantage in a relationship so I needed to be certain about what I was getting into. (Like I needed to add AIDS on top of everything else I was dealing with?) Also, the disappearing acts some young men pulled on my friends when they became pregnant only reinforced my resolve to be more careful.

So has anything changed?

Of course if you don't want a serious relationship, then I really don't think the ostomy is going to matter -- neither is telling him about it. You can conceal it in a variety of ways. (The "tube top" mini skirt method is very popular.) If he discovers it, then you should tell him. If he freaks and leaves... well, that's *his* problem -- not yours. There are plenty of men who will not care that you have an ostomy.

-- teacat

God created humans, and promised them they'd find true love in every corner of the world, and then she smiled and made the earth round.



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Ah yes! I knew the bard would get it.

X_

I think the Bard was sensitive to the plight of those who wasted valuable time and energy on unrequited love.    Check out Love's Labour's Lost. On the other hand, didn't Tennyson advise us that it's "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It's your call. By the way, Three, when did God promise humans they'd find true love in every corner of the world?        PB

I heard it was during the First Council of Nicaea in the year 325 AD.        

You were suckered in by Arius and his cronies, Three. God did not promise universal love, but she did say there's a sucker born every day. Happy fantasies!

OMG, that's a hell of a lot of lollipops!        



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B,

Given the choices, I go with Tennyson.

X_

There isn't a way you'll know for sure until you just come right out and tell this person. If this is a person you would like to be intimate with, trust your own gut....tell him beforehand. If he really loves you, he will probably want to know more, the what, when, and whys of your disease. A lot of times another individual will feed off you...see how you handle it before he makes a move. Give yourself some credit...you will do just fine. I'm rooting for ya!!!!

Actually, PB, I was referring to you as the Bard. You did get the meaning as I see it.

X_

Your intent, X, was prima facie evident with your use of the lowercase "b" in Bard. Somewhere back in school, I learned that everything worth feeling or thinking had been enunciated by Shakespeare somewhere. To this day, I remain continually awe-struck at Willy's unparalleled apprehension of the entire spectrum of human thought and emotion.

Yes PB and now the real mystery, was he the illegitimate son of Queen Elizabeth I and Thomas Seymour? I wish that somehow Will would have let us know.

X_

Perhaps he did, X. There's an entire dictionary of Shakespeare insults, and one of the more frequently occurring insults includes the word "whoreson." Some examples are "whoreson caterpillar," "whoreson greasy tallow-catch," and, my favorite, "whoreson zed." If the Bard thought for one second that he was illegitimate, he might have toned down all this particular rhetoric. Still, I know his parents, John and Mary, brought him up better.

By the way, X, how did a thread which began by asking advice on informing dating partners about ostomies end up in our discussing some centuries-old indiscretion? No doubt many readers might consider our digression a custom more honored in the breach than in the observance.

PB

At times, some do not mind being swept away by the breach, and observance will follow soon, surely. A little light entertainment at times is very therapeutic and allows us all to enjoy the fruits of life.

But back to the thread, I feel if you are up front with someone from the start, you will find the real person from the onset and not when it gets too deep and hurts far more. The person who respects you for what you are and not what you have is the person for you.

PB,

Could that have been John de Vere, the supposed stepfather of Will and the 16th Earl of Oxford? Anyway, I am sorry for somehow guiding the thread away from its purpose. Kenny T, you say it so eloquently when describing how the other person should be told.

X_

Well said, X. All's well that ends well... (sorry).

PB

This thread digression was brought to you by the number 7, the word "whore-son", and by the letters PB X. If you do find yourself with that "special someone", here is how to inform them you are an ostomate. First, engage them in conversation, keep it light, not too serious, then ask the question out of the blue. "Say, have you ever seen an ostomate before?" They will look at you kinda odd at first, but then smile and most likely say "No... No I have not." Then at this point, you spring up to your feet, pull up your shirt, exposing your ostomy and yell out! "WELL HERE IS ONE!! TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT IT!!!!" Now, at this point, one of two things will happen. First, that "special someone" will look at you in complete horror and bolt for the door... OR, said "special someone" will burst out laughing. If this happens, then that "special someone" is a keeper! If they bolt... well... keep looking, that person was not worthy of you!
Hope this helps!!! LOL!!
DG44

Hey DG,

How are you? I see you don't warm up in the bullpen. You just come in throwing fastballs.

X_

PB,

You are the class of the classiest.

X_

Love this thread -- though somewhat digressing from the original query.

I've just learned to irrigate and found it very helpful. I can now wear just a bandage (which I don't feel very secure with) or a minicap which secures to a flange which doesn't look like much more than a bandage. And psychologically, it helps me past the bag image. I don't think everyone can irrigate, depends on your situation, but something to consider? However you do it, you need to get past your own feelings of being bagged (I know I'm not there yet!) before you can feel confident that broaching the subject will not have adverse repercussions on your developing relationship. But as others have said, the keepers won't care one way or the other.

Hey dentalguy. One small problem here. If I pull up my shirt, the only thing anyone would see is my bra and part of a scar. I'd have to pull down my pants -- love your idea, but don't think it would work for those of us with ostomies below the waist!! You gave me a good laugh, though. Thanks.

X is right, DG, you come out throwing fastballs. Perhaps there's truth in the old saying that the best defense is a good offense; but I am not sure you want to be too offensive with that "special someone" early in the relationship. Remember that night scene in Jaws aboard the Orca when Quint and Chiefy gradually revealed their scars and wounds with panache and delicacy. I was touched by their sensitivity and manly pride. There's no need to jump up and shout out loud, scaring the bejesus out of your partner. Set the proper mood with a little background music, perhaps from the Jaws soundtrack. Begin by showing her one of your dentures. She'll reciprocate in her own way. Then, remove your wig or perhaps undo a prosthesis.    Before long you'll know whether you have a keeper or a memory. Good luck!    
PB

I am not even going to try to comment on the previous expostulations of my intellectual superiors.
As I would make myself out to be a fool,

However, concerning the dating problem..............I think that most of the problem consists of, at first glance of a potential date, becoming concerned about the date discovering that one does wear "the bag". Somehow or other, it occurs to me that unless one plans to hop in the sack on the first date, there should not be a problem. I wore a bag for a year (then had a successful reversal). But during that year, I didn't feel it necessary to tell everyone I met that I had the bag. (I know we are talking about dating here) but the point is, it should not even come up, let alone blab out that you are "wearing". Wait until it seems as though you are near to entering that stage. Give it some thought but do not rush to doom.
You should be able to, after dating for a while, figure out how your date is going to react to the confession you render.

PB,

I can't stop laughing. Such prose. You might add that from her perspective, she can take you home in pieces.

X_

I am afraid that acquainting Quint and Chiefy to someone letting a potential partner is drawing a very long bow.

If someone is right for you, they are from the very beginning PB, and that is not hard to see. If they dislike you because you have a pouch, then not much will change, and you at least have the ability to ascertain that early on rather than prolonging the agony as such. As I said earlier, prime people will love you for what you are and not what you have. Easy.