Bag Interference During Intimate Moments - Any Solutions?

That is why I refer to my ostomy as "My Demon" ... during sex is the absolutely horrific time for that darn thing to expose itself and get in the way. I have done the tucking and taping and hiding as well in so many ways. There were times I simply wore a mini skirt and just left it hidden under there...but there are, for women, some really nice silky, lacy garments for just around the tummy area that hide it very well and look pretty. I miss having tummy skin on tummy skin though...that would be nice, I hate covering that little area all the time but would freak out terribly if I didn't. As for you fellas, personally, I wouldn't care if my male partner had it hidden or not, wouldn't make a bit of difference to me...but besides the tape idea which can be uncomfortable, you can also try Ace Bandage. Much love to all from your Wounded Doe

This may help out with some of the guys at least. My wife and I are naturist/nudists and have been going to a clothing optional hot springs for years. For the first 5 or 6 months after my surgery, I just didn't go at all. Then I went a couple of times and just sat there with my clothes on and visited with friends. I wanted to get back in the water so bad I went looking for an answer. I found an inexpensive and somewhat narrow lower back support brace at Wal-Mart. When I got it home, I discovered it was kind of in two pieces. The wider brace part and then a removable elastic band with Velcro that you use to keep the brace tight. I only use that piece for swimming. It's just wide enough (about 4") so that if I fold the bottom of the pouch up and the top down, it covers it completely.
Also, for intimate times after my exhausting search, I ended up at a Bridal and Tux shop and bought the cheapest cummerbund they had. It's comfy, softer, and covers very well.

Until this very second, I never wondered if it would bother me. I admit it. It would. Having that thing dangle and sway would be quite a distraction for me. That's why I cover.

I agree though. I so miss skin on skin. My covers are small and pretty but wrap all the way around. It would be nice to have the back free.

First post here, and sorry for resurrecting an oldish thread.

I use a stretchy waistband thing I got from a stoma supplier in the UK. It is lycra and covers over the bag completely, leaving everything else accessible, available, and unhindered.

Either that or because I tend to sleep in small boxer short type things, I tend to take my top off and leave the shorts on if it's more spontaneous.

The bag only gets in the way with some sex; it doesn't get in the way of other things you can do that are fun and pleasurable.

Hi Tara,

I'm new here (and a new ileostomate - Dec. 15th) ... where exactly are the photos?

My three biggest worries were/are blockages, hernias, and sex (so far I've had one of those - blockage).

Hubby is loving, totally not grossed out, and says I'm still sexy, and he's more than ready for intercourse (we've been intimate other ways right from the day I got back home.)

Me, I'm still sore/healing and would feel better with the poo covered up for intercourse. See surgeon next week for the 'official ok' to start. I'm thinking that covering the poo with a fabric 'something' would feel better against hubby's skin, and it would ease my mind. I'd feel prettier - sigh - what the female mind can do to us!

Love the frank and funny discussions!

Beatrice
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Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Hi, try

www.thewhiterosecollection.com

They have some quite good ones in their Romance Originals collection, or even Comfizz do just a plain black band which I use too, just keeps it out of the way...

Thanks for the site!

Also, I really like this and have ordered one: http://www.myheartties.com/coverlet.php?osCsid=db54617c6dd9ec2f98ffad3d262236e5 Not cheap, but I just loved the light pink one.

Was concerned that my ostomy pouch was kinda big/long and talked to the rep. Of course, you empty and roll fold the pouch up... she assured me it would fit. And that most ileostomates find it's fine for an hour.

At hubby and my age, an hour is more than enough time.

I have to say I feel bad about my figure since my stoma, but my husband makes me feel worse. He's a lot older than me, by 22 years, and has erectile dysfunction. But we still used to touch each other. However, around 6 months before my operation, he "lost the urge, can't be arsed" apparently. So for over two years, I've been celibate. Since my stoma, it's made me feel much worse about this lack of intimacy. I've tried talking about it, saying I still feel in need of intimacy, but he's not the type to talk easily about such things. I've tried touching him, but he just rolls over and shuts me out in bed, so I just stay miserable. I've got to the stage where I don't think I'll ever be in a sexual relationship again, and I hate it and get depressed. At 45, I'm a nun! I have the black deep lacy/satin suspender belt that hides it, and he says my stoma doesn't bother him. I know that's true because when I've had major leaks with green yuck pouring out everywhere in the past when the Crohn's was at its worst after the colostomy, he didn't bat an eyelid and helped clean the bedroom floor! So I need some ideas on what I'm supposed to do, please?

Poor you! It does sound like it's his problem and not so much related to your ostomy ... is that right?

Has he seen a doc? If he's healthy, there are those little blue pills. That's quite an age difference, maybe he's just not feeling 'it' anymore and doesn't want to disappoint you. Perhaps a complete physical checkup is due?

Lots of guys seem to think that hugging/cuddling/touching has to lead to penetration. So if they are not feeling like doing the penetrating (for whatever reason) they also don't do the cuddling, etc. And it's no secret that women love the huggy foreplay part of intimacy a lot and don't necessarily need it to lead to penetration. Does he know that you would be okay with lots of hugging and touching for now ... saying you're sad and don't know why that has stopped?

Keep trying to talk about it - that's what I'd do. And the doc check-up.

Don't lose heart,
Beatrice

I agree with Beatrice to a great extent, though I suspect that asking him to go get a check-up will go down like a lead balloon....

"Can't be arsed" says to me that he may be as depressed about it (or maybe something else?) as you are, but you know men, they just don't generally 'do' doctors until they really have to ....

I really don't know what to suggest, except that if it were me I would probably have to really confront him about it - but then I can be a bit of a stroppy mare! Dunno - is everything else okay with your relationship?

Good luck with it all

Rach xxx

I'm due to have my colostomy in six days. You seem like just the person I need to talk to! I haven't had the nerve to ask my doctor a major question: How long after the surgery before it's safe to have sex? I'm female, if that matters. I'm sure my husband would like to know, too!

OK, I can answer this. I bought the black stealth belts and zipped up my bag, and I can wear them to bed. So, after two weeks of being home, you will want sex again, or at least I did. I don't know your whole situation. I had no radiation or anything like that. Just be careful of where you were cut and your stoma. It's not that hard. You will figure it out, I promise, 'cause I did without asking anyone. Jenny

Rhian, I really was in a convent when I was young. I am so sorry you feel like this. I hope his heart is in good condition and he might need a check-up. Those blue pills are really okay if a man has no heart trouble. Anyway, a 60-something-year-old man should have no trouble with sex unless his blood flow is bad. I just haven't seen that in my life. I do know you can rent movies, but the oldies are the best with the Lynn girls in them. Porsche was my favorite, but Amber and her other sister are good also. Men at that age sometimes just need a lot more help. I would have sent you all my tapes, but I gave them up several years ago for my church. I still think you can believe in God and have a great sex life, and God understands or he wouldn't have given us all these feelings. But the truth is, I believe any woman can pretty much make a healthy man want sex. But I don't know his personality, so I can't speak for him. I just have one awesome husband, and when I want him in the mood, I just use the cell phone and talk about what I am doing when he is on his way home, and things go great. But I used pay phones years ago, even at the store when buying food, to get my husband in that mood. I am a pro at it. But anyone can learn to be good, and men love it. I really felt bad when I read your story, but sex is something I know something about. God bless, good luck, and I hope things go better for you both, Jenny.

I use the belt from my bathrobe to keep the bag in place. It is adjustable, soft, and discreet. I can take it off when I am finished with no problem.

I will show my age again. After thinking about it for some time, I remembered the old tops the girls used to wear back when I was in my 20s. {I don't remember what they called them}, but they are just a cloth with elastic on the top and bottom, and they fit over their ta-tas and around the back. About 6 to 8" wide. Most of the time, the girls would bounce out of them. I bought one that fits around my mid-section, and it keeps the pouch covered and in place. Okay, girls, what do you call those tops? All the girls had them in the 70s.

That would be the "boob tube"!!!
Well, it was in Oz and I have seen girls still wear them.
Excellent idea!

So as insane as it sounds, I found Bella Bands to be a life-saver (can easily be used by guys). First of all, they come in a bunch of colors and 3 sizes. They were designed for pregnant women, but work AWESOME during sex, swimming and just using them under clothes rather than using a belt. I must have 6 of them!

Only go with Bella Band though - there are other ones out there that LOOK cool (like Hip-tee) but don't work as well.

I also buy the smaller sized Gap pregnancy jeans, because they have this heavy, 4-inch wide band at the top - it sits right over the stoma. So fabulous! I buy them as shorts and skirts too.

You can also find black rouched top tankini bathing suits from Maternity shops, buy the size smaller. Then get tummy-control black underwear (which looks just like bathing suit bottoms). The extra heavy tummy control panel flattens down the appliance and bag and voila! No one can ever tell! I have even been able to wear a REGULAR bikini that had a wide waist band to the bottoms, that worked the same way.

For swimming, I live with Opsite Flexafix tape to "frame" my appliance. I have a swimming pool and live by the ocean and I can go swimming 2 to 3 times a day and it won't peel off, but also won't hurt my ultra-sensitive skin. It is basically Tegaderm, but on a roll. Awesome stuff! And I surf as well!

PEACE!

Thank you, girl. I love the info you are giving us. I would never have thought about maternity clothes. Plus, I love the Gap. I think I would feel better in my own skin if my clothes matched my makeup. I aimed to get my nails done today, but my husband is sick with a cold. I have been taking care of him. I am also going back to Xtreme Lashes for a while as I don't have time to get my mascara on every day. I will just do touch-ups for now until after my reversal in October. So cool you know about these things. I also used to work in the sex trade, and not selling toys. I think I bought more than I ever sold. But I was a Go-Go Dancer at the Hustler all through the 70's, and every time I went to see my real dad who was there, I had to stop in and make money for a few days. Larry was cool about that. I shop at the Hustler store every chance I get. Nice to meet you, and any tips you think of are appreciated. God bless, Jenny.

In my view, if you 'irrigate', then you do not have that bulky bag over your stoma. Instead, you have a cap which is too small to come in the way. Enjoyment is nearly full if you have the rest of the requirements in place.
Cheers
Anis from Calcutta, India

Go to Ostomy Secrets. Everyone that works there is an ostomate. They have perfect cover-ups in sexy colors. Talk with them. They are very helpful.

Hello everyone, new to the forum. I've had my colostomy since 26, I am now 53. Wow, time flies.
I have my share of hangups accepting it but find it refreshing reading on this board seeing others sharing some of the same things I go through both mentally and physically.
I found this thread especially close to home. Hope to add value and make new friends while learning from others.

Regards!
Alan.

I read this post the other night and immediately looked up Bella Bands. Bottom line is that I ordered one and it arrived today. I love it!!! Thanks for the info!

Hi, all. I'm new here and have only had my colostomy since May '09, but I have found a lot of tips and supplies online. I have both the Bella bands and Ostomy Secrets underwear and swim band. I love both products. I did find a pouch cover for intimate moments at Myheartties.com. I didn't buy one but used it as an idea to crochet my own pouch cover for when my husband and I have our intimate times.

I have to say that I have a wonderful husband who was so happy with the colostomy surgery I had that he wanted to send the surgeon a thank you card. He's not always been the most sensitive person, but he was willing to work through this. We've had to live with my Crohn's and all the complications that have come with it for the last 25 years. The ostomy gave me such a new lease on life, and our sex life that was practically non-existent before is now better than when we were newlyweds! The bag doesn't bother him at all, and he's just as willing to work around it as I am.

I know there have to be more non-ostomy people out there who are just as understanding, so don't give up looking for that special someone. Just give people a chance, and you may be surprised by what you find.

Hey folks..I've been an ostomate for 6 years now because of CD and I totally understand the insecurities and worry about sex with an ostomy. I'm a very sexual person, and have done lots of searching to find products or tricks that help to keep things out of the way and to make myself feel more attractive. There are a few good things out there that you can try. I find the waist bands the best. They are easy to put on, come in different colors and aren't too expensive. Check out some of the links I'm posting.
My best advice is this ... be upfront and honest about it. I tell people that I may potentially be intimate with well before we hit the bed. If they can't deal with it..then it's their loss! I have even put it in my profile on dating sites. Believe me, I haven't had any trouble getting laid!
Check out the sites...they have stuff for men and women..and some of them are really nice!!

http://www.stomawear.uk.com/waistband.htm

http://www.ostomysecrets.com/womenstyle.php

http://www.intimatemomentsapparel.com/women.html

http://www.vblush.com/intimacy/intimacy.htm

I posted about this in a different thread, but I'll post it again.
I wear a tight stretchy singlet top to bed, it can be slid down off the shoulders and rolled down so it holds my bag in nice and tight and out of sight.
I also have a black boob tube that I bought for the same purpose.

I only saw that she was back on site. But very nice to see that she is back. I hope that she gets better soon.

I have had an ileostomy for going on 25 years. About 7 or 8 years ago, I stumbled upon Ostomy Solutions and bought one of their belts. I can only speak for myself, but it changed my life in dramatic ways. I have since purchased several of their belts and wear one 24/7 - 365 days, with the exception of showering. Swimming, athletic activities, and especially intimate times have been transformed into stress-free activities. You will need to get used to wearing the pouch sideways, but when you take the belt off to shower, you will be shocked at how much gravity was pulling on the pouch without you even being aware of it. I don't work for this company, nor do I have a financial stake in it. I just really believe in these belts, and my wife has never been happier.

Hello all....when I first started dating after getting divorced, I was very nervous about how I would manage the "wild-thing" with a bag. So, I researched online and found www.whiterose.com...it's, a UK website that makes some sexy underwear along with everyday knickers for ostomates. I purchased a few lace numbers that were 2-piece ensembles. Not sure if they have similar for blokes on that site, but it's definitely worth a peep. I certainly had more confidence, even though the other party didn't have a problem with the bag. Now I'm in a relationship, nothing is necessary and "Stella," my bag, gets basically ignored. I just pick my times, so unfortunately spontaneity has gone out the window. But nevertheless, I've got my mojo back and I hope everyone else does too!!

ostomysecrets has a lot of garments for men and women

Yep.

But not all, just most of them, hopefully not including me.