Intimacy without Sex - Can Meaningful Relationships Exist?

Have had my ostomy going on 10 years now. Very active at one time in my life, then follow-ups with doctors reveal that my surgeon butchered me, making a sex life impossible for me. Can there be a meaningful relationship without sex?

Hi Miss-T,

Thank you for bringing this topic up. I, too, have thoughts about this new territory. So my apologies in advance. I hope I don't offend anyone by my comments. And I believe we are all here to help each other be accepted and comfortable with our new US.

I am sorry to hear the doctors did that to you! It seems we all had some changes to anatomy due to saving our lives and the outcome is a pouch. You are not alone in this topic. I believe there can be a relationship without sex, but I also believe there are other forms of sex one could have alone as well as with a partner in lieu of traditional intercourse.

It has only been 20 months post-op, still healing from it all! I, too, ponder about my sex life. But all in time, lol. We are still breathing and need companionship with our new shot at life.

Don't be discouraged. It is your time to know your body and learn what gets you grooving and learn your desires. It is in our DNA to be sexual beings.

Miss T. - I'd like to message you.

I think this will help all of us here, especially if one is interested in relationships with an ostomate who has the same issues or couples where one of the partners has a pouch. Thank you again!

Thanks for letting me say.

BAYS ‍

Sign up at RomanceOnly.com, it's a website for people who want companionship but can't have sex, or have issues with intercourse. There are also people who want companionship but aren't interested in sex on that site. Check it out!

Hi all,

I agree with Bays, it's kinda tough to put out there. I'm in the same boat as others. I'm married but it is devoid of intimacy, friends, yes but nothing else. So I understand too... mountain.

I agree with Bays on this. I have mentioned before in another post that particularly for women, penetration is not necessary for a healthy sex life. If an impotent man has the use of his hands and mouth, he is more than able to satisfy a woman. There's that quote "The most powerful sex organ is your brain", just got to think outside the box a little (so to speak!)

Companionship is fine too if any kind of sex is out of the question, but if you have been active in the past, I hope you find a way to have both, not just one or the other.

The https://www.romanceonly.com/ site Uro mentions sounds like it could be well worth a look.

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Yes

Hello Miss-t.
Thank you so much for posting on this important subject, as it gives me another opportunity to share a little of my past research into some of the most positive and effective facets of relationships.
Having pondered the subject for quite some time I came up with a list of ‘AIMS’, which I try to live by and, incidentally, not one of them mentions physical sex.
Needless to say, my sentiments on this subject, like so many others, are expressed in rhyme so, for those who find this type of writing hard to read, I have also compiled the list in staccato prose.
Best wishes
Bill

AIMS FOR TODAY
1. To BE – THERE
2. To be CONSISTENT
3. To be HONEST, GENUINE & SINCERE
4. To be NON-JUDGEMENTAL
5. To LISTEN: Empathetically
6. To keep things CONFIDENTIAL
7. To ENABLE & EMPOWER (DIY process)
8. To show POSITIVE REGARD (unconditional)
9. To show RESPECT for INDIVIDUALITY
FEELING & NEEDS
10. To FOCUS CARING (according to my principles)

AIMS in RELATIONSHIPS.

In relationships I proclaim.
That it is good to have an aim.
So think of how much better then
If I increased my aims to ten.

My first aim is to be right there.
If you’re not there how can you care.
To be ‘there’ - for someone.
Has got to be, aim number one.

To be consistent is number two.
Then people can rely on you.
They’ll know you will not let them down.
And they’ll know you’ll be around.

Next, I’ll try to persevere.
To be honest, genuine and sincere.
So, honesty and sincerity.
Will be a top priority.

Non-judgemental’s number four.
For no one is without a flaw.
Judgements bring things to a close
So this is what I would oppose.

Listening is a lovely thing.
And true friendships it can bring.
Listening’s something that’s still free.
My listening comes with empathy.

What would I choose for number six
For good relationships to fix.
What has potentiality.
Is confidentiality.

In number seven I justify
My belief in D.I.Y.
To ‘my’ will no one will cower.
I try to enable and empower.

Unconditional positive regard.
Can sometimes be a little hard.
So I will try to show respect.
And relationships perfect.

It will come as no surprise.
My last aim tries to emphasise.
That I will focus on these aims.
And principles from which they came.

                                              B. Withers 2007
(This AIMS list is from inverse analysis book 1 )

AIMS FOR TODAY.

My aims are more than just some plans.
A must for new inventions.
They’re diagrams for artisans
With positive intentions.

An aim will be towards some point.
A target of your choosing.
And aims will rarely disappoint.
As they prevent you losing.

Aims have messages inside.
The aim it will be showing.
They’re designed to coincide.
With when and where you’re going.

Aims are things that can inspire.
As such they’re rather clever.
They help you to your heart’s desire.
All by your own endeavour.

Aims instigate and motivate.
Encourage and enthuse.
They stimulate and activate.
The tools that we then use.

Having aims will help you try.
To get that which you seek.
They always have an end loci.
So you’ll know when you peak.

Aims will affect your life for good.
They guide the way you are.
This is the way that all aims should.
Help you to be a star.

There’s many aims of many kinds.
To help folk find a way.
Just as there are many minds.
That many aims might sway.

                                     B. Withers 2012

AIMS FOR TODAY 2,

When I am thinking of an AIM.
For writing of the rhyming kind.
It’s readers in the target frame.
So it’s my Audience In Mind.

Sometimes my lines of poetry.
Are made up just for fun.
Sometimes they’re written just for me.
Sometimes for anyone.

The audience that I like best.
Are those who give to me.
The motivation and the zest.
To write my poetry.

They are the ones who in their life.
Have troubles by the score.
They struggle with their present strife.
And all that went before.

As these people talk to me.
Of what is troubling them.
I can grasp the things they see.
To capture with my pen.

Then when I give it back to them.
All written down in rhyme.
They realise each rhyming gem.
Came straight from their lifetime.

They know I’ve listened to their tales .
Of conflict and of pain.
When they read their woes and wails.
In poetry again.

Poems will illuminate.
Precisely what they say.
Verses just more nicely state.
It in a different way.

                                        B. Withers 2012

AIMS FOR TODAY 3.

I know that when I state my AIMS.
They’re there for all to see.
I don’t like playing devious games.
I like more honesty.

Some will say that I’m a fool.
And no one gives a damn.
But I will play by my own rule.
‘Cos that’s the way I am.

I’ve put my aims down in a list.
That anyone can check.
So that people get the gist.
If not, then what the heck!

I’ve spent a lot of time and thought.
Compiling every aim.
Maybe it is time you ought.
To try to do the same.

To find the substance of my aims
I looked at people’s pet.
This relationship acclaims.
The best that you can get.

The principles I plagiarised.
From this basic bond.
Can now be seen hypothesized.
In aims of which I’m fond.

The list of aims that I wrote down.
Saw scope for wider fame.
They have brought me wide renown.
And prominence to my name.

Now my aims are widely known.
And practiced every day.
As a way of life they’ve shown.
So many folks the way.

                              B. Withers 2012.

Hi, I've been married for 32 years. I love my wife to death. We hug several times a day (when off to work or such and to bed). Never once have we had an intimate moment. This is by mutual consent. We knew this before we were married. I do, with full understanding when we got married, step out occasionally but with no thoughts or possibility of damage to our love. It is called a Josephite marriage. We've lived through good times and bad and have come out stronger. Because of her, I was able to accept my ostomy as well as I did. So I say go you go for it - love is out there for you. Someone needs a hug!

Miss T....

To help ease your mind, I'd like to share something with you. Many months ago, I began texting back and forth with a member on here. A man. We graduated to phoning...then I dumped him (twice actually), concerned with our distance apart and many other things. He is a urostomy and I am an ileostomy. The friendship between us grew to much more. A week ago, he actually flew across mountains to meet me for the first time. Although many different organs don't work anymore, we have managed to not only grow our hearts for each other...but satisfied our sexual experiences together. Pee and Poo are cautiously discussing our next step.
Don't lose hope...don't get discouraged... We are living proof. Patience, my friend, patience.

Ritz Panguy...to be continued

To Miss T, and all the other helpful ostomates who have replied and/or read her post. I'm Marsha, and I had my surgery when I was 15. After 4 years of living with UC, long before I was thinking of being sexually active, two surgeries later, out came "the rectum", leaving me with bladder damage, loss of sensation.....and a lot of questions.. At 19, I was concerned about having a sex life and the ability to have children.. I couldn't speak to my mother, but I did speak to a therapist... And I was seriously dating someone, so there were lots of questions.....but few answers... The therapist was very helpful.... In a nutshell, he told me that whatever I/we were able to do or feel was going to be normal "for us". My partner agreed and still wanted us to get married. But I wouldn't go ahead with the wedding until "we tested my functioning" to see if I "worked".. Mmmm I had no comparison, so what did I really know? I knew I loved my partner, and he loved me, and we went on to discover what I could and could not do or feel. Obviously, anal sex was out of the equation for me... Yes, we did have intercourse, but to this day, I still don't know if I have "full sensation".. Later, my ob/gyn told me that "there is very little sensation in vaginal tissue... Don't know if that's true or not....but I did have two painless vaginal deliveries... I found that the ability to have an orgasm (for me) is more in the brain than in the sexual organs... My marriage eventually ended, but I went on to date and have "intimate" relationships with other men.......one at a time. I knew what I wanted and needed to feel satisfaction and always shared that with my partner. Some of the men I dated had their own intimacy and ED issues, and again, we did what felt good for both of us.. There are many ways to be/feel sexual... It takes communication.... Best of luck to all of you... To Miss T.......get involved with an open mind and with an understanding person.......and you will work out what is good for you... Marsha