Hello Doe1mama.
Thanks for your post as it gives us an opportunity to simply say that you and your husband are not alone in this predicament.
There seem to be a few reasons why stomas retract and pancaking is just one. (Mine retracts when any pressure is put upon it (or when it gets cold).
The pancaking is possibly exerting some minor pressure on the stoma so it might be an idea to try things to prevent that happening.
I would suggest asking for samples of Salts Healthcare - 'Dermacol' stoma collar, which are in various sizes to fit various stomas, so you would need to give them the size.
These are super-soft and fit snuggly round the stoma, guiding the output away and into the bag.
I used this concept to make my own bespoke device which includes a baseplate and a 90' waste bend elbow, which not only guides it away from the stoma but makes sure it goes in a downward direction into the bag/sleeve. However, not everyone is adept at DIY, so the Demacol stoma collars are the next best thing (in my opinion)!
PS: I did try to make a silicone mold of my stoma, but every time I put any silicone on, or near it - the stoma shrank, so that idea was shelved in favour of the sleeve and bend approach.
Best wishes
Bill