I'm wondering how everybody handles the issue of dating with an ostomy. Is this something you should tell in the beginning or once you have gotten to know the person better? I'm lost. At first, I thought I should tell up front, but then I was afraid I would be judged based on my ostomy. On the other hand, I was afraid the other person would maybe feel betrayed that I didn't trust them up front.
Welcome to the site, Lostmemphis, and know that your question is just about the number 1 topic discussed here!
Try looking at the Dating forum and Sex forum - you will see many, many posts on this topic.
As for me, I haven't had the occasion to date since my ostomy. Sometimes that is a relief for me because between school, my kids, my dogs, my elderly parents (and keeping up their house) and my girlfriends I'm usually on the negative side of the energy equation.
On the other hand, it's lonely and although I love my beagle, sleeping with him is not very fulfilling.
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First off, this is a pretty cool site with 37,000 members who truly understand you.
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No, do not bring up the fact you have an ostomy unless you are directly asked.
You have to give the person enough time where they know who you are before the ostomy thing comes up. You will get every kind of reaction known to man. Some it will not bother. Many will not understand it. Some will run the other way as fast as they can.
I do a lot of dating, probably more than anyone on this thread. I know what I am talking about.
Just think about it for a minute. Anything that may be considered negative, you don't push that out in front of a person. Why in the world would you come out with saying you have an ostomy? Let the person get to know you somewhat at first.
Rick.....
Hi Lostmemphis - I think that if you have that confidence about you where the stoma is just one of those things that helped you get where you are, then the confidence shines through and it becomes less of an issue ....
I had a marvelous time when I first started dating again - (and I am a bit of a mess - ileo, sleep mask, and hernia corset!) I had a wonderful experience with someone I met online .... could never have been a long-term thing, but oh my, it did the pair of us a world of good! But the difference there was my confidence - I had decided I was going to go out there and look and 'see if I still had it in me'! I did have it at that moment and have never regretted it!
Rach xx
I don't think that upon initially meeting someone, you have to tell them that you have an ostomy. I think you should treat it as friendship for the first few weeks to a month and just let them get to know you and your personality. Act confident and do not put yourself down thinking you are lucky to have met someone. They are lucky to have met you. Let them get to know you. If they bring up sex, you tell them you're not that type of woman/man to just sleep with someone from the get-go. It shows them you have respect for yourself. If you sense that they really like you and you are feeling it too, then you can tell them. In all honesty, if their reaction is negative, then thank God you found that out now and not later. You don't need to tell the opposite sex straight away about your ostomy bag any more than they need to tell you about their athlete's foot, body odor, or erectile dysfunction. Just get to know them first and then you can judge when the time is right to tell them. Before you tell them, start off with the history of how your illness came about and show them what a strong person you are. Lastly, in the conversation, tell them about your bag. If a person can see that you cope well and manage your illness, then they can see that they can too. You will meet frogs on the way. I've met my fair share, but there are people out there who have life experience and are compassionate and understanding. xxx
When I meet someone new or someone who doesn't know I have an ostomy, I just treat it like any other health problem, such as if I had a cold. If somebody asks you how you're feeling when you have a cold, you tell them you have a cold. It's the same if you're suffering with anything else. I'm not saying just announce it, and I'm not saying keep it a secret either. Just treat it as not a big thing. What usually happens with me is I get talking to someone, then he'll ask me something like how am I feeling or how am I progressing with my education. And since I'm suffering with my health at the moment, I say I'm having a few health problems. Then if he asks me to elaborate (and most people do), then I bring up the subject of the colostomy. And if somebody's going to judge me for it (nobody has yet), then it's probably best if I don't hang around with that person.
It seems like the consensus on this question is to let the person get to know you before you let them know about your ostomy and, from my own experience, I have to agree. I was in my early 20's when I had my ileostomy and didn't get married until my 40's so I had a lot of time to perfect my technique (LOL). There's no reason to tell a person right away unless you think you're going to end up in bed by the end of the night, which does happen. But other than that, if you get to know each other, in time your ostomy will become an insignificant part of your relationship. Trust me on this! Anyway, I think sex is better with someone you've gotten to know versus a one night stand. Just my personal preference.
Ditto ditto ditto. Don't tell anyone up front unless you want them to think they are dating an ostomy with a person attached to it. Let them get to know you first so it works in the reverse. I have had very good luck with waiting till just before intimacy.
I went out with a lady. We went out a few times, and when she found out, I did not see her again. She would not answer my phone calls or emails, so I have not been on a date now for a long time just in case it happens again.
Aww Skyblue - that's a real shame ... some people are so shallow .....
Well if you are ever down my way, you can take me for a coffee or a cream tea in the Polly Tea Rooms in Marlborough!
Rach xx
It seems that her 'running out' is more about her insecurity than your ostomy. If one is not good enough with an ostomy, then why would you want to see them anyway?
I guess partly because of my age, I am completely comfortable. I tell jokes on myself - a loud noise waking me up, jumping up to see what was happening, and discovering it was a loud belly fart. I discovered that cauliflower, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts as dinner make a lot of gas, almost earth-shaking. I laughed out loud at myself for 5 minutes. I talk openly and even show it to anyone interested in looking. Curiosity often is stronger than judgment.
It is a pretty amazing lifesaving procedure.
I am sorry this happened to you but more sorry for her. It seems she missed out on a guy that seems really sensitive. I hope you return to dating. Others will appreciate you. If I ever cross the pond again, I'll ask you to show me around.
Dating with an ostomy is more self-conscious than anything. I am that way with intimacy. You could be upfront by stating to your dates you have an ostomy. If they are considerate, they would be supportive. I have only run into a few folks who avoid me like I have the plague, Ebola, leprosy, and the heebie-jeebies!!! Oh well, I am stronger than they will ever be!!!
Hi... I am Chirag from India... You can reply to me... I also have permanent ileostomy...
