Dear Chelsea,
I wanted to write you a quick note to let you know how you've influenced me, even under the sedation of Propofol. I recently had a colonoscopy which resulted in a very disgusted nurse, a pissed-off mother, and a waiting area full of amused patients and families.
Upon waking up from the procedure, I had to go to the bathroom. The nurse said, “You can't go to the bathroom, you're too sedated to walk,” to which I replied, “Too sedated? You've never partied with the Hirsch! But usually, when I wake up, my ass doesn't hurt!” The nurse looked disgusted and shook her head. My mom told me to shut my mouth. I said, “I feel like Chelsea Handler, Mom!” My mother said, “Who is Chelsea Handler? Sit down!”
I stumbled to my feet, stomping as I walked. The IV pole was waving all over the room as I set forward on my path to relief. A patient's family member yelled from across the waiting area, “You shouldn't be walking!” I yelled back, “It's like a party in here!” as I slammed the bathroom door open.
Relief came to me. Anger and embarrassment came to my mother. She left me to drive home after being sedated in the hospital. The nurse wouldn't look at me, and the boy who wheeled me back to my room said I was his hero. I believe I became a hero because of you. You're my hero, Chelsea Handler.
Said colonoscopy led to my now permanent colostomy bag. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of becoming a bag lady at 27, but I tried to focus on the positive, which is why I developed the following top ten list. I hope you'll enjoy it. Thanks for all the laughs!
TOP TEN REASONS TO HAVE A COLOSTOMY BAG:
10) No more embarrassing "I shit my pants" stories.
9) You have an excuse not to wear a two-piece.
8) You can knit little bag covers for your different moods, holidays, etc.
7) You use less toilet paper. You use less water from flushing. You save rainforests. You are a conservationist.
6) You have an excuse not to eat food people make that you don't like. ~"I would, but my bag can't take it."
5) A stoma and bag can be used for a number of party tricks.
4) You get to wear t-shirts that say "Bag Lady", "No colon and still rollin'", etc.
3) You have an excuse to pass on butt sex, as yours is sewn shut.
2) You have a bag of shit handy to use as a weapon at all times.
1) You can scare small children by chasing them with your stoma.
The now ass crackless,
~DJK
I wanted to write you a quick note to let you know how you've influenced me, even under the sedation of Propofol. I recently had a colonoscopy which resulted in a very disgusted nurse, a pissed-off mother, and a waiting area full of amused patients and families.
Upon waking up from the procedure, I had to go to the bathroom. The nurse said, “You can't go to the bathroom, you're too sedated to walk,” to which I replied, “Too sedated? You've never partied with the Hirsch! But usually, when I wake up, my ass doesn't hurt!” The nurse looked disgusted and shook her head. My mom told me to shut my mouth. I said, “I feel like Chelsea Handler, Mom!” My mother said, “Who is Chelsea Handler? Sit down!”
I stumbled to my feet, stomping as I walked. The IV pole was waving all over the room as I set forward on my path to relief. A patient's family member yelled from across the waiting area, “You shouldn't be walking!” I yelled back, “It's like a party in here!” as I slammed the bathroom door open.
Relief came to me. Anger and embarrassment came to my mother. She left me to drive home after being sedated in the hospital. The nurse wouldn't look at me, and the boy who wheeled me back to my room said I was his hero. I believe I became a hero because of you. You're my hero, Chelsea Handler.
Said colonoscopy led to my now permanent colostomy bag. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of becoming a bag lady at 27, but I tried to focus on the positive, which is why I developed the following top ten list. I hope you'll enjoy it. Thanks for all the laughs!
TOP TEN REASONS TO HAVE A COLOSTOMY BAG:
10) No more embarrassing "I shit my pants" stories.
9) You have an excuse not to wear a two-piece.
8) You can knit little bag covers for your different moods, holidays, etc.
7) You use less toilet paper. You use less water from flushing. You save rainforests. You are a conservationist.
6) You have an excuse not to eat food people make that you don't like. ~"I would, but my bag can't take it."
5) A stoma and bag can be used for a number of party tricks.
4) You get to wear t-shirts that say "Bag Lady", "No colon and still rollin'", etc.
3) You have an excuse to pass on butt sex, as yours is sewn shut.
2) You have a bag of shit handy to use as a weapon at all times.
1) You can scare small children by chasing them with your stoma.
The now ass crackless,
~DJK
