Hi, Gary. You're definitely spilling your guts (pun intended) in the right place. After 2 failed resections, I woke up with an ileostomy and was told I could have it reversed, imagining at the time, that it would be just like having another resection. Had no insurance, so it's been put off. As of this month, I'm covered by Medicare. All I've wanted since day 1 was to have this reversed, but now that it's a possibility, after doing a lot of reading on reversals, mostly on this site, I'm seriously considering staying in my current state. I never thought I'd feel this way. I truly hated my situation and while I can't say I'm happy about it now, I no longer feel quite as horrified about it. It's still very new to you. Give yourself time. One day you'll realize you actually went 5 minutes without thinking about it. I hate to put it this way, but it's not that different from when someone close to you dies. One day you realize you hadn't thought of that person for a few minutes and maybe that's when the emotional healing starts. It took a year and a half before I stopped waking up in disgusting messes a few times a week. It still happens, but only once every 2 or 3 weeks, and I usually wake up while it's still a puddle, before it becomes a flood. Like a number of folks on this site, I've read a blog written by Gemma. Don't know if she's had other posts, but just from that one blog, her feelings about you are obvious. I hope you know how lucky you are to have someone like her in your life. My husband was there for me the same way - 100% in my corner - and unexpectedly died less than a year after my surgery. He actually took care of Walter (my wenis) for the first month or 2 after surgery, spent all kinds of time on the internet learning what he could about it and found products on Craig's list and Ebay, as we had no insurance. It became important to me to regularly let him know how much I loved and appreciated him and I hope you do the same. Having no clue that it would be one of the last things I ever said to him, one night I put my arm around him and told him how much I loved him. A few minutes later he got up to go to the bathroom and went into cardiac arrest and died. I couldn't be more grateful than I am to have had those words as the last words he heard from me. I started out wanting to suggest you keep putting one foot in front of the other, as, like I said, I've been where you are and NEVER dreamed I'd reach even the low level of acceptance I have today. It wasn't my intention to get into showing your appreciation to those close to you, but I'm glad I did. So often we get so absorbed in dealing with this nightmare, we don't stop to think about what it's like for those who love us. Do some more reading on this site - notice how many people had spouses who couldn't deal with it and walked away, then, despite how awful it is for you, take a moment to let your wife know how much her love and acceptance means to you. I'll come down off my soapbox now. Good night.
