Exploring Contradictions in Personal Beliefs and Experiences

In the book 1984, "doublethink" refers to understanding two concepts or believing two facts simultaneously so one can conveniently justify any number of Party claims. I use the word to explain the many pairs of entirely contradictory attitudes I've held and believed since I got my ostomy. Can you tell I do way too much thinking? But the thing is, there's no one worldview that properly explains why anything happens, or indeed how we should cope once it does. And since I approach everything in life like I'm researching to write a book on it, I actually sort, analyze, and record my own thoughts until I see patterns that my family refuses to find interesting or hear any more about. So I'm telling my diary/journal that just happens to be accessible to the general public.







This is not how it should be vs. there is no “should” in life



Someone I know made a status on Facebook which read something like, “Nothing ruins our life more than our idea of how it should be.” In some ways, that's actually true. When I start to get miserable is when I miss having a life with a normal colon… which is actually a life I never had in the first place. If I really got wrapped up in this sort of thinking, I could find myself making some unwise decisions. When I consented to the ostomy surgery, I had to explain to my family that I wasn't choosing between an ostomy and a healthy colon; a healthy colon was literally never an option, whether I wanted it or not. It doesn't matter if everybody else in the world has healthy intestines (and they don't); I am sick so that's irrelevant. Nevertheless, I cannot entirely help feeling hard-done-by, and I sometimes think I REFUSE to fully accept my situation. Yeah, this is what I've got, but it's not what I want. What I want IS important, and I refuse to want an ostomy. Again, I've accepted reality; I just feel the need to remind people of this now and then. I want to live a full life and be happy, and I intend to do those things. I just want to make it clear that, as far as I'm concerned, I'm doing it in SPITE of my illness and all the crap that's happened to me. I refuse to make this all beautiful and inspirational. I don't believe anything happens for a reason, so basically I think I just have crappy luck to have landed my consciousness in such a screwed-up body. That doesn't mean anything, and I can't change it or I would.











Medical problems should be approached clinically vs. emotions are important



You could say I refuse to take my health problems personally. Instead, I basically try to act as though I'm one of the doctors trying to fix this body that I just happen to be living in, and this has a number of good results. First of all, I ask questions and bother to understand the decisions they make about my treatment. I didn't get grossed out or intimidated by my ostomy care, and I wasn't nervous before surgery. The problem is, whenever I get really sick I find I have emotional responses (crying) which are entirely involuntary and only at the time of this surgery did I realize that the other stuff was really an attempt at denial. I found out recently while talking to my mom that I've actually repressed some memories of the last time I was really sick, which I find kind of disturbing. So, this time I decided to accept the negative feelings and ride them out, but I even do that in a clinical way: I'm sitting there treating crying like a task to complete while thinking about its stress relief properties which I learned about in Psych class. At this point, it's just comical. I didn't let my family sit with me before my surgery, which I feel bad about for their sakes, but they were bringing down my mood because they were treating this like something momentous. To the hospital staff, it's just another day and another procedure, and that's what I prefer. We chatted about my school and I bugged them by insisting they explain every single thing they did in detail. Then on the way to the OR, I started laughing like an idiot because I saw a surgeon who looked like the Todd from Scrubs. They must have thought I was having a breakdown, laughing at nothing on the way to ostomy surgery. I'm not sure I wasn't.











It's important to be independent vs. come on, I really want a boyfriend



Actually, people on this site's forums do a lot of complaining about being single, and in this environment, they aren't judged because we all know why they're worried. In general society, however, it's considered pathetic to need someone to "complete you," at least until the person in question gets married. THEN it's fine to say you couldn't live without your spouse, go figure. But saying you don't need anybody seems to be a thing that single people say. I'm not going to say it's always a blatant attempt at convincing themselves (ourselves, since I'm among that number), but yeah, I think it usually is. Now, I know that I have to make a life for myself on my own and find my own happiness, and actually, I wasn't too concerned about not having a boyfriend until after my surgery. If I really had been desperate, I could have accepted the guy who was all but stalking me during my brief stint at college. It's just that, as we all understand, an ostomy really affects body image and a high premium is put on looking good in this culture. I have accepted my ostomy, and I don't feel bad when I look in the mirror. But, in addition to wanting a significant other for all the obvious reasons, I know I'll feel a lot better still when another person accepts my ostomy completely, in a way they can only do by choosing to have a relationship with me. It's like what I tell my friends when they accuse me of having low self-esteem due to my frequent use of self-deprecating humor: I don't hate myself, I think I'm freaking great. It would just be nice to hear someone else say that for a change. Like it or not, we're wired to care what people think of us. It's 90% of what makes us remotely civilized, actually. So, to sum up, I'm not gonna go all Bella from Twilight and jump off a cliff because somebody doesn't like me. I just like a little validation from time to time—and also a best friend and a life partner and all that good stuff which a relationship should provide.

Hello theluckyfrog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this way. It's so reassuring to know that there are other people who 'think' (logically) a lot and simultaneously have their emotions impinge on this process. It's also good to hear someone express the concept that we can hold more than one view at a time. (I believe 'they' label that as dichotic thinking!)although I tend to create multi-views rather than just two. One of my favourite juxtapositions therefore is:-- right 'v' wrong 'v' different. I am envious of your ability to write in this free-flowing explanatory style, as for me, these types of concepts immediately send me into rhyming versification and sometimes, I feel stuck in that mode. However,my experiences of trying to converse about these matters at length with anyone other than my dog leads me to believe that many other people are not interested in the complexities of thinking beyond the 'right-wrong' framework.Once again thank you for sharing in this way. Best wishes Bill

Thanks Bill. I think a lot because, being sick most of the time, I don't have a whole lot else to do. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my brain automatically go into rhyming mode. Anyway, I just type the thoughts I do have into here because nobody I know has any interest in hearing about my health problems. I've actually had doctors get bored in the middle of hearing my medical history, because it's so long and complicated. They don't like it when they can't just look at you and know immediately what to do.

Hello luckyfrog,I know just what you mean about doctors getting bored at listening and wanting instant answers. I have one that puts key words into their equivalent of Google and then quotes back the answers. I usually say that Google and Wickipedia have some interesting answers as well. then we compare notes before deciding on what can be done--usually nothing more constructive than that which I've already tried by experimentation. He seems more interested in my experimentation and gadgets than he does in my condition. --Still, it is one area that I can capture his attention and after that sort of discussion he is amenable to almost any suggestions I have. Last week he suggested I spend a few more weeks looking for a solution and to go back to him if I came up with anything that needed his support. I think the message here is that much of the time, these doctors simply do not have the answers and they are only too pleased that there are others out there trying to seek them. Best wishesBill

I've already come to the conclusion that there's only so much the medical community can do for ostomates, so we end up taking care of things ourselves. For example, the pouch covers the supply companies offer are pretty blah so I've found like a half-dozen websites started by people with ostomies which sell nicer ones. Same applies to other products, like people on here using cough drops for deodorizers. My doctor doesn't find this particularly interesting, though, and unfortunately his ostomy nurse is a pain. I had to spend a week on the phone arguing to get her to allow me to make up my own prescription, instead of the one she typically writes which only allows *5* wafers per month. I have a friend who wants to be a doctor and I keep reminding him he needs to know how his patients' daily lives work and not just what condition takes what drug.

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister