A lot happens...

Hey ostomates, it's been a while. A lot of family issues—my sister passed away on August 12. She had cancer and fought it for 15 years. God bless her. She had skin cancer and was 56 years old, one of the twins. Her twin passed away, my brother had cancer too, and my twin passed as well. I'm the last of the twins in my family. I have 3 sisters left. I'm doing okay; had my first bag spill out in almost 5 years, not bad. Anyway, I'm thinking positive as time goes on. My photos and my cat Edie keep me smiling. I'm interested in chatting with single women, ages 50 to 90, just friends. Anyway, take care folks and keep smiling. slippery 5442.

sorry for your loss slippery.

Hi Slip. Too many of our loved ones have been taken by cancer. I am sorry for your losses. Over the last 20 years there have been incredible gains in the war on cancer, but still not enough. (Too bad humans are spending so much of their treasure on warfare instead of cancer research.) I like what you said about your cat; and I, too, am a great believer in the therapeutic power of our animal friends. At the very least, they help us keep smiling and sometimes that might just be enough.
PB

Hello Slippery. Let me add my condolences on your losses.
I too am a firm believer in the therapeutic nature of animals, particularly but not exclusively those we keep as pets. This is a subject that is close to my heart, as much of my early research was focussing on the Human-companion animal bond.If only our human-human relationships could sustain those same qualities I feel sure that the world would be a far better place for all creatures.
Best wishes
Bill

Thank you for all your kind words, primeboy. You're right, we spend so much money on other countries and we are falling apart here. I'm staying positive. We humans need to stop fighting with our loved ones and get back to the basics. No cellphones, no laptops, etc. Thanks again, till next time, slippery 5442.

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Dear Slippery5442, I am very sorry to read about the loss of your family member. So sad. Thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Take care. Sincerely, LH

Slip--Our hearts are with you. I had four sisters (Go Five Girls!), then one died (cancer), so there were three sisters, then another was born, a new fourth. My sisters watch over me. And they're really trying to be fun with the whole colostomy stuff, but they'll never REALLY understand it. You have a new sister here if you want one.

Hi Slip. I started to attend grief counseling group sessions made available by one of our local Hospice Centers. I have come to understand that there is a process to grief which varies with each person. One common element, however, is that somewhere along the line we all need to confront the sad reality that the life we once shared for so long with our loved one(s) is absolutely gone forever. I am still coming to terms with that harsh, cruel fact and am now appreciating that that beautiful life will never return. I feel a low-pressure all-encompassing obligation to myself and to others around me to deal with it somehow and then to go beyond. I suppose that this is my "guardian angel" nudging me to rise above my situation. Maybe it is like Ulysses telling his men to "push on and seek a newer world." The world I knew was beautiful and safe, but not anymore. My job is to make whatever comes for anybody just a little better. Am I up to it?
PB

Just keep thinking positive, Slip. I have been down in the dumps a lot with the loss of a dear companion, but I remember all the beautiful people that are still very much in my life. All these connections have been happening for a purpose, and I am going to work at being a better person, not because I have fabulous memories of things past, but because I owe it to her, myself and others. Where this takes me, I do not know; but the time is short and I still have the opportunity.
PB

Primeboy you made me cry. Slip, I hope you're still reading.

October 4th, PB, you ask "Am I up to it?" You have already made it so much better for so many people and I can't think of anyone to do it better. I'm so sorry for your loss but so confident you'll exceed even your own expectations to help yourself and others. Thanks for everything.
Mike

Slip, you have another sister here. I am sorry for all of your losses.

Primeboy, it is painful knowing the life with your love has changed forever as I have gone through that. It takes time; you're not on anybody's schedule of healing but your own.

I have gone through an 8 week program at our Hospice Center for those suffering the loss of a loved one, and I have learned a great deal. Some of what I have learned relates to the use of breathing techniques or emotional freedom techniques (tapping) as means to control panic attacks when certain memories are triggered, particularly at bad times (e.g., driving down the NJ turnpike at 80 MPH). I plan to continue my understanding of grief beyond the curriculum of this group and explore the profound depths of loss as a means of appreciating how valuable was my time with her. The old tune by the Fantastics still applies, "Without a hurt the heart is hollow." My pain right now is the price I have to pay for a wonderful 45 years of marriage I shared with her. Sure, I will be down in the dumps but, given time, I expect to end up on top of the world, grateful for all the blessings I have received and proud to announce that He truly does have the whole world in His Hands.
PB

Hello PB. It sounds as if you have embarked of the right path for coping and understanding. there is, of course, not real recovery from the loss of a loved one but there can be a sense of coming to terms with what has happened. It was such an incident that led me towards a lifetime of helping others come to terms with their problems and traumas in life and I have to acknowledge that every single person that I tried to help, also helped me in furthering my knowledge and understanding of the subject matter. I will be forever grateful to those folks who trusted me enough to share their grief and allow me the privilege of being alongside them in their time of need. Just as others had done for me when I needed it most.
I feel for you at this time, even though my own trauma has many years passed.
Best wishes
Bill

I have learned an awful lot from many people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, either recently or years back. Circumstances surrounding each one's loss can be vastly different, but at the core is a clear commonality: permanent separation. Cancer was the uninvited visitor in our house, and we made do with his mischief for 11 years. Now, it's gone and my next unwelcome guest is grief. We had many ways to cope with cancer, but grief... that's another story. It brings many sidekicks with it and cannot be easily removed. As the months unfold, I will know more about handling grief and I truly appreciate what's shared on these pages and in other fora. Thanks for your support.
PB/John

Hello Mike. Thank you for your kind comments and for your other posts that I read with interest. What you don't say is that you too are part of that forum for the same reasons. The forum is not just made up of a few contributors who seem to have a lot to say and are willing to express it in writing. It encompasses many people who just chip in from time to time and let us know they are thinking about our problems and would like to let us know they are there. I believe that there are even more folk who read the posts with equally avid interest and for the same reasons as you mention but they have not yet plucked up enough courage to tap out their thoughts on their keyboards. Sometimes, I ponder on whether us more prolific writers actually put these people off from expressing their own thoughts because they feel that between us we have 'said it all'. Indeed, on some threads, I feel this way myself and wonder what on earth I can say that could be relevant or even pertinent, that hasn't been said already. This is why I really appreciate those people who post just to inform us that they have us in their thoughts and prayers. Without these people, the forum could become a clique that could put others off.
Anyway, to get back to the subject matter. I agree with you that there seems to be a difference in the effect it has when people are old and die when it is expected of them, to those who die young and unexpectedly. I have experienced both types of deaths in my family and it certainly affected me in different ways. However, There are always exceptions to these generalised statements and the one that is most poignant is the one there is a deep and lasting love for the person that dies. Even if they are old and not expected to last forever, if one has been in a loving relationship for many, many years, their death is devastating and life-changing. In fact, the longer the relationship lasts, the more devastating the death can be, even if it is expected. People who respond to this by making well- meaning comments such as 'they had a good innings' can sometimes be insensitive to the affects that a death can have on the loved ones left behind. Sometimes it is better to keep quiet and to hold out an empathetic hand of silent friendship to let people know that you are there if they need you.
Enough of this! as it's making me feel melancholic.
Best wishes
Bill

Thanks, Bill. I truly respect your wisdom and admire your sharing.
The end of your reply reminds me of the story of the elderly woman in the last days of her life. The family called for a priest, and the seasoned pastor was unavailable, so a newly ordained guy about 28 years old filled in. He sat with the dying lady, listened to her story, and just didn't know what to say. He held her hand and cried his heart out. Embarrassed, he apologized to the family and went on his way.
The next day, the pastor came to visit the woman. She quickly dismissed him and asked for the young, inexperienced priest who, she said, really understood.
Sometimes we do the right thing just by accident, but knowing when to be silent takes some learning.
Sincerely,
Mike

Exactly!

HOT DAMN! I just wrote several good paragraphs on this topic pointing out that we all have different experiences with loss, but there are common elements. Catherine Sanders wrote a book capturing many people's experiences of spousal loss and found some common threads. Its title: "Grief. The Mourning After, Dealing with Adult Grief." I found it especially helpful when it came to coping with the loss of a spouse. Much of it is based on people's experiences of bereavement, which comes in stages, and we can recognize where we are and where we may be going in our mourning program. Grief is an experience we must endure because we cared so deeply for a loved one. There are strategies designed to move us out of the ruts and quagmires we can be trapped in and help restore us to our new life. At the very least, reading it will let us know that we are not alone and that we have choices.

Hello PB.
Reading about the stages of grief can sometimes be more effective at getting the message across than having someone talk you through it. I suppose reading gives one the opportunity of taking one's time and absorbing things at one's own pace, as well as not feeling that we are being 'told' what to think. However, talking it through can help some people and organisations like 'CRUSE' in the UK, set themselves up to counsel people through the process and the stages of grief. I have just been watching an interview with a guy who lost his wife in the Paris bombings and he was saying that he wanted to carry on grieving because for him the grief was a sign of how much he loved her and so it helped him to retain the link. This is certainly how I felt.
In reading your post, I thought that reference to your new wife was probably a Freudian slip but maybe it also makes sense in the light of retaining that love with what, in essence, is a new relationship with a departed partner.
Best wishes
Bill

Haha. Yes Bill. That was a Freudian slip, but your interpretation is precise. I will be living with the memories and feelings of our relationship which formed and grew over almost 45 years of marriage. Thank you.

And in all of this, have we forgotten Slippery5442? Are you still watching, Slip?
You might think that we've all gone off-topic, chatting among ourselves, but we are still on topic... grief. I hope all of our experiences help you. Please just "wing it" and let us know what you really need. We're only here to help.

Yes, Slip. This is your post and it drew out so much from all of us. How are you doing?
PB