Overcoming Personal and Relationship Challenges

It has been the most testing few years, having had four operations, two within 24 hours, where I'm very lucky to be here. Two family bereavements, which I never thought I'd witness in my life, or having to support my child through such traumatic events due to the failings of the NHS. To trying to get a degree done and a failing relationship...

Also, my physical, emotional, and mental health declining due to surgeries and then having to look at myself every day. While having no support from my partner, to be told I've changed from when we first met.

I am grateful that my stoma changed my life, but oh my, I hate it some days, and I wish I could be somewhere else. I live for my children, and they will always keep me going.

When you've constantly been told how mental I am from years of traumatic abuse as a child and having PTSD, and then all the surgeries and having flashbacks from that... to then being told who would want me in the state my body is in.

It's degrading in itself when I do not now look like everyone else. I know I am better off without that person, but the years of name-calling really have taken their toll.

Needed a rant and someone who could understand and not be told I think you look nice when that's not how it works mentally in my brain, and then to be hurled abuse.

I hope that the storm isn't too long, and I know I can come through the other end, but having to see that person with someone else who isn't like me is also heartbreaking.

Sorry to read your struggles and medical setbacks.  Beauty, looks, firm bodies.... never last.  Even the most healthy, fit, beautiful people cannot cheat Father time.  

I hope you find the strength to carry on.  Many on this website have had partners, spouses, and friends walk away when they were needed most.  We understand.

Keep us posted about your situation.  We GET it.  No rant is too extreme, no question is too gross or off limits.

All of us here, have been to a mentally dark place while suffering in the hospital.  Our ostomies allowed us to "get our lives back."  

I didn't think I'd leave the hospital.  In the midst of horrible abdominal pain and extreme weight loss... There was a huge window in my room overlooking Balboa Island and Newport Beach.  I spent many days staring at cars, bicyclists, boats, joggers.  How I wished I could be down there.  Back to a normal life.  And by the grace of God and a surgeons skill.... I'm back.  Take care.  

Hello Melissa

At times it can be hard to believe, but things always get better with time.

Hi Melissa, it's not easy to see things as they really are or yourself as you truly are when you're being told otherwise by someone important to you. You stated things very clearly and sound like you know the direction you want to head in and that's a really positive thing. Unload on here as much as you need to - we all have needed to do that at some point! - and you'll get good support. 🤗

Hi Melissa,

The shit we have to go through is so tough. This is not an easy journey we are all on together. Your partner saying "you've changed since we first met" - well duh, of course we fricken change. Surgeries, trauma, chronic illness - it changes you deep at the very core. For me, it feels like the death of the old us, until we are eventually born into something new. Suffering drives us deeper, and there are people out there who will look at you and see the depths of your soul, and will not blink twice at the ostomy. I hope you have the resources to get support for the PTSD? It's important to have someone to help you work through everything you've been through if you can.

Sending huge amounts of love and care. We get it. We see you.

 

Staying Hydrated with an Ostomy with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Hi Melissa,

I know firsthand how tough being a single parent can be, even under ideal conditions. I commend you for not giving up and for your obvious dedication to your children. To them, you're just their loving "mom" and always will be. They don't see the differences in your body as having changed you. I guarantee they love you just the same (and more and more each day).

Now, as for that narcissistic person who shamed you and belittled you - you are SO much better off without them. Pity the poor woman they're with now, because this person will eventually tire of her too. They always do. What they did to you was verbally abuse you, and people who have grown up in abusive households tend to attract other abusers as adults because that's all they think they deserve. They start to believe the lies, and their self-esteem plummets. 

You can do so much better than that person.

You have experienced what no person deserves. I was with a verbally abusive partner for three years, and he wore me down until there was practically nothing left of me. I was in shreds - anxiety attacks, depression, self-sabotaging myself at every turn. Our breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I didn't realize it at the time.

In your case, on top of all that, you've faced numerous surgeries and illness, and guess what? You are still reaching out for support because you have such amazing inner strength and a desire to not merely survive, but to become your best self for you and your children. More kudos to you. 

Your stoma won't always rule your life like this. As BeachBoy said, "Beauty, looks, firm bodies ... never last." No, you don't look like everyone else, but over time, you'll find that it's less and less important in the fabulous new life you're going to have.

A fresh pot of coffee (or tea) and sympathetic ear are always awaiting you here ... c'mon in and warm your battered soul by the fire. You are now enveloped in a safe and caring atmosphere where you can begin to heal. We want to help. 

And we see your most beautiful self, even if you can't yet.

M
xo

That's some tough times. I cannot imagine it all, but I also had surgeries in the past couple of years and it's a lot to deal with, and we really need those close and around us for support.

Sounds like you are a tough one and can see there is light ahead.

It's good to be able to connect with people here. There are also a lot of great people on Instagram with stomas/IBD in the UK; I can highly recommend having a search. They are a great community also.

I am based in Stockholm, Sweden.

If you ever decide to travel this way, please let me know; I'm happy to meet for a coffee and a chat.

Sending lots of love!

Daniel

Hi Melissa86. I've learned over the years that people don't really change. They simply become more and more themselves. And so it is with your former partner. The new woman in his life will soon be treated with the same poisonous abuse you endured. Healing from our common surgeries seems incredibly daunting at first, enduring body-altering medical procedures that transform too many 'cans' into 'cants.'  Or so it seems. But, over time, we learn to adjust, to modify expectations and create new visions. When you're ready to accept yourself as you are, you'll see your beauty just like we already do...