Struggling with Depression and Life Changes After Colostomy

Just using this to vent. Looking back, I've lived with depression for a while, but it's been pretty bad lately.

I (30 male) got a permanent colostomy a year ago, and my sex life has plummeted. It never really was that great. I didn't have sex until I was 22… just a year later, I found out I had HIV…

It's been difficult coping with the fact that I can't bottom anymore. And since I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my colon, I'm pretty sure some nerves got cut/damaged, so my erections (if I ever get any) are weak and last for a few seconds.

I don't even get hard enough to enjoy masturbating. Feels like a chore.

Hiding that I was gay in childhood, hiding that I was HIV positive in adulthood, and now hiding a bag of shit hanging from my stomach.

Isolating, late to work, drinking and smoking my life away, which isn't helping my situation. Yet, I don't care to do anything different.

I knew it was bad when I didn't even feel like playing video games, the one thing that could distract me.

I'm 30, which is relatively young compared to the statistics of people with ostomies. I've never gone on a date, had a boyfriend, and everyone's in their prime, so I'm bottom of the barrel.

Welcome to the site.

It's no sin to say how you really feel... congratulations, it takes courage to vent.

You should look into irrigation.

It could be very helpful for your psychological well-being.

V. J.

Dan - Dealing with physical illnesses is a struggle; dealing with mental issues is, at the very least, ten times more difficult. The fact you are able to vent means you are reaching out for help. I so hope this website can start you in the right direction…getting some help. I give much credit to MAO for helping me to cope over the last 4 years…hopefully it will do the same for you. Hugs…jb

DD214, my heart always goes out to anyone young dealing with an ostomy. You got hit with a lot in your young life, and each thing is like another boulder. Your words really struck me: "Looking back, I've lived with depression for a while." For anyone, the act of hiding something is exhausting. No wonder you were depressed. You were hiding so much, and you have experienced so much loss, so many parts of your life affected. Depression and anxiety are expressions of things that we feel are out of control. It's like our bodies and minds either go on shutdown or freak out; they feel helpless. I can't impress on you enough how helpful a good therapist can be for you. You already understand why you feel as you do; that's major. A therapist can help you put things in order and give you back some control of your thoughts, at least, hopefully help your depression. All of us on here have had some degree of loss, maybe not the same as yours, but a lot of us understand depression/anxiety (I do.) Vent away, we're here to listen.

Venting about your feelings of despair and hopelessness regarding your situation is so much better than stuffing them. We are here for you. The reply from eefyjig was spot on. I hope you seek professional help to get you through this. I am 74 and got my colostomy last May. I can't even imagine how difficult it would have been to cope with it when I was young like you. I wish you the best and hope that you keep in touch with us.

Living with Your Ostomy | Hollister

Change your mindset. You're not the bottom of the barrel; you're the top of your own barrel. Anyone can read someone else when they don't think they are worth anything. Have you tried to date? The only way you'll get a person to go out with you is to ask them.

Eefyjig said it so well, I can't add more. There are other people your age with colostomies that date, marry, etc. If someone likes you for you, it won't matter.

One-night stands may be a thing of the past for you, but meaningful relationships aren't.

You are depressed, as you admit. You've had some tough breaks, so that's understandable. Hiding the fact that you're gay for so long would be enough, but you've had health issues on top of that. Get some help to fix your mindset. Step 1 is to learn to love yourself.

Please feel free to vent here as much as needed, but take care of yourself and get some help too.

You need help; speak to a doctor if you can. Depression will be the reason for your problems. You need to get on top of that so you can start living instead of just existing. Talking is the best therapy; the more you talk, the better. You might need some meds as well.

Ostomy isn't a problem in any relationship. If someone doesn't like it, they are just not the right person for you, just the same as it was before having an ostomy.

I had my ileostomy when I was 19; it's never been a problem in any relationship. It was me that was the problem in the early days.

Keep on fighting; life gets better.

Thank you all, the few responses I've gotten already have been helpful. Sounds weird, but it's honestly been refreshing hearing people with ostomy say “yeah, that sucks” instead of the general, blanket “it's gonna be fine, just stay positive” statements from people who mean well, but just won't ever get the small little things that come with ostomy that aren't discussed on a more bigger scale.

After reading what I just wrote, I think a big issue is I didn't really get to “grieve” my butt and control of my bowel movements being taken away. I went to sleep and woke up with no butthole and a bunch of people saying “you'll be fine” every other minute. I never really got closure, per se.

You are absolutely correct! I have a friend who isn't comfortable with negativity - that "toxic positivity." Not my go-to person when I need to vent, which is part of the healing process. We need to grieve, cry, scream, curse, TALK ABOUT IT before we can come back up. I know you're on your way, DirtyDan!

Hi Dan

While this site allows us to chat, network, and even vent, it also gives us the opportunity to connect with someone through dating via the friendship/relationship section.

Will