Approaching dating with an ileostomy bag - advice needed!

Hi everyone, I'm Aneira and I have an ileo. "Bubbles." I suffered with Crohn's Disease for many years before I finally gave in to surgery in 2010. At the time, I had a man who loved me deeply and I felt the same for him. Unfortunately, in April 2011, we found out he had cancer and by the 2nd of June, I lost him. I have spent more than 2 and a half years as a recluse, with only my children and mother in my life. Last month, my mother and I took a trip to Costa Rica and it was so beautiful! I realize there is so much more to life out there and my husband wouldn't want me to spend my life alone in my home forever. My greatest concern is, how do I approach the subject (having an ileostomy bag) to a potential "date"? Is it something that sends them running in the opposite direction? I have accepted "Bubbles" as a necessary part of my life but will anyone else? I'm afraid it will gross them out and they will not get past it to get to know me. It took me a very long time to accept it myself. Does anyone have advice or an experience to share?

Thank you for taking the time to read what is on my mind and/or respond to my questions.

If he loves you, he will accept you the way you are. My partner has and has even offered to help me if need be. Don't be scared to tell him about your situation. All the best with meeting a future partner.

Hi Aneira! I am so sorry to read of your loss. I'm sure your hubby wouldn't want you to spend your life alone. I named mine Bubbles too - way back in 1975 at the age of 12. I was chicken to tell my husband about Bubbles. I slowly led up to it by saying I had been sick, then how long and horrible it was until I had surgery .... I took several months of this before I told him. If it's truly a person who values you, the ostomy won't bother them. ENJOY LIFE!

Hi Aneira, I am 3 years out from my surgery and I feel the very same way you do, except that I have totally given up finding a person who could love me in my new way of life. I don't like the way I feel about it and hope someday I will get past my fear and at least go on a date. Best wishes to you for reaching out to others with your problem and thank you for giving me the strength to even write about my fears now.

You will find someone, you have the spirit to try. I have definitely learned something from you. Peace!

Hello Aneira, I have had my stoma for just a little over 2 years now and met my boyfriend on a dating site just over a year ago. Chatted with him for a few days until I felt a little comfortable with him, then dropped the bombshell. His answer was it's not the outside that counts but what's on the inside. Took me a while to show it to him and he was not shocked or horrified with my stoma. Never give up looking for that special person, it may take time but there is someone out there for all of us stoma heroes. Thinking of you and sending lots of blessings from South Africa. Take care and God bless you always. Cheryl XxX

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Hello, how are you all? As a male 2 years into "buddy in bag" and 1 year as a single, I understand the predicament.
I have found that I now lack the confidence to approach women, having all the what-ifs and how-do-I's, and as such, I've started to isolate myself. In my mind, I perceive that no woman would easily accept or want to deal with "the bag" when there are so many more healthier men to choose from (small town population doesn't help either). I would like to meet someone and enjoy life with them, alas, I'm left feeling that only another like-bodied person would accept me, especially when it comes to intimacy, or it's a life of loneliness and despair. I would also like to note that my social circle has greatly decreased since the ostomy, and I was told by some that it was a direct result of the bag. WTF.
I know this was of no help to you, just wanted you to know you're not alone in this. So if we keep putting ourselves out there, our plight will become more accepted.

And yes, like yourself, I wouldn't mind a few suggestions on how to raise the subject, discuss it.

Since my ileostomy, 40 years ago; I have been married twice and for the last 12 years have been in a loving relationship.
Yes, I understand how scary it can be. I found that once I thought the relationship might get serious and intimate, I would tell him my story. If the man is seriously interested in you, then he wouldn't let a small thing like "Bubbles" put him off.
Our situation helps to separate the Prince from the Frog. You only want to be with a Prince who will be the kind of man that will be with you no matter what. Otherwise, he will not be worth it for you to be with him.
Also, it is all in your attitude. If you accept Bubbles to be part of you as a normal healthy situation; he will too. You can still be a sexy, vibrant confident woman and this attitude will come across and he won't even notice Bubbles.
Relax and best of luck to you.
Blessings,
Connie

I totally understand your fear; I'm single and live with an ostomy too. But I have to tell you honestly - it hasn't cramped my style at all, LOL.

To tell you the truth - I am very open about my ostomy and everyone who knows me knows I have one. As far as telling prospective dates who may not know, I simply tell them that I have a disease called Crohn's and it almost killed me and this is the price I pay to be alive today. Then I tell them my story, which is quite awful really as I'm sure most people's are - and by the end of that my prospective dates like me even more because of the courage and grace I handle it with. People are going to base their reactions off of you and they will take their cues about how to feel about it from you, so if you are not confident, or act disgusted or apologetic, they will react to you that way.

I get hit on all the time by men who know exactly what I'm hiding under my shirt and I go on plenty of dates. I even have sex, HAHAHAHA.

My point is, don't be afraid. If anything, think of it as a built-in asshole detector. At least this way you don't waste a lot of time dating someone only to find out they are superficial and fair weather partners. Just put yourself out there and have a great time doing it. Slap on some warpaint and a pretty dress and go forth with confidence!

Nice!