Hi, my name is Marsha, and I've had my ileostomy for more than 50 years, since I was a kid of 15.
The doctors had to do the surgery in stages, so I didn't have the rectum/anus and sigmoid colon removed until I was 19. After the additional 4 years, trying to heal it hadn't worked so I argued with my parents and doctors to have it removed. I never regretted the decision....knowing back then, that I'd never risk a hook up....even if some time in the future it would be possible. I was very lucky, and the rectal incision healed relatively well. I didn't know until years later that it can take some people years for the area to heal.
However, like you, I'd often have what I called phantom pain... feeling like I had to "poop". According to the doctors, that feeling wasn't unusual. There are a lot of nerves, scar tissue, and lesions in the area, and I'd feel it most often before, during, or after my periods or when I used a tampon.
I don't have that issue anymore (I'm 69) BUT I have occasional pains during sexual or intimate times. Sitting down on the edge of the seat sometimes stimulates that pain, and riding a bicycle has been painful since I had the surgery (even when I changed the seat). Sometimes, the pain just happens. Just to be sure that there's nothing physically wrong, check with your doctor.....even if it seems embarrassing to you... Best of luck...and please stay in touch... Marsha