A loner with a stoma

A LONER WITH A STOMA.



Laughter simply drained from me

after I gained my ostomy.

It turned out just as I had feared

as all my friends just disappeared.



I don’t know where or why they went

after all the time we spent.

No longer seen around with me

and that’s down to my ostomy.



I was bereft within myself

for feeling left upon the shelf.

And I was lonely as could be

this can only be the ostomy.



I think as far as I could tell

they would be put off by the smell.

But as my stoma makes no scents

to blame aroma makes no sense.



Furthermore, there’s more to it

than stink and smell when stoma’s spit.

Maybe it’s fear brings them to go

about the things that they don’t know.



The clever bit is they depart

as if ‘they’ never shit or fart.

And then they feel they really must

up and go and show disgust.



But I’m disgusted in the end

with every maladjusted friend.

To go and treat a friend like this

they don’t know what friendship is.



So I now walk or sit alone

with bits of talking on the phone.

Or I come on the internet

to see what company I get.



B. Withers 2013







(My thanks to Ragdoll and transmission man for their blogs which privided thegeneral conceptfor this verse)

Very good! As for these so-called 'friends', you are better off without them. Through experience, I have found true friends, so they are out there somewhere, and one day you will find them x.

Loved it, Bill! My favorite part is when an old friend sees you for the first time after your surgery. They try so hard to keep their eyes from going below the neck. They wait and wait, and chat...but then, oh-oh, there it is! That quick eyelid drop to your middle and ever-so-slight change in expression. If you blink, you'll miss it. Then, they never call you to go out. They check in by email or on the phone, but that's it. So I've become a loner with a stoma, too.

Those that love you, will stand by you... You are never alone.... Even after 3 years with a permanent ileostomy, I hate living with it. You need to keep swimming and keep your chin up! Life is so much more than dealing with those that are ignorant!

Dear Bill, if your old friends are aware of your body change, it would be natural for them to be curious. I have no problem unzipping my jeans and showing my bag, stoma (red rocket), and all... so what if the contents of our small intestine drain into a medical pouch? We do get a chance to see our food as it is digested and absorbed. Color of the day game... I keep my bag flat and empty - also use several products to avoid leakage (odor)... and since I am a girl, I decorated the top of my pouch with rhinestones (bling)... Hang in there, Bill - what state are you in?

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. Loneliness can be a very disturbing state of affairs if you let it get to you. Yet being alone doesn't need to be a negative experience as some people soak up the experience in a much more positive way. Of course there are different words for it - depending on how one feels about it. It's either loneliness or solitude. Personally I have invented another term - 'fringe-edger' which indicates a person who is on the edge of relationships with others, either by choice or by default. 'Someone' once said I don't have any friends - only people I know - and some I know better than others! Best wishes Bill

Fringe-edger, it is how I feel. Thanks for sharing all of this.

Well said, I feel alone to a point, but on the other hand I'm totally cool with it. It's all in God's time when it's meant for me to have a man in my life. Thank you for responding to my post, Bill. I was under the assumption that this was a dating site for ostomy people... that's why I joined. I would like to meet others who have an ostomy like me. I also think it would be neat to date someone who has been granted the same life-saving thing like me. Had I known it was a site like this, I would not have paid to join it. But I can still meet new friends like you, Bill. Thank you again. You are the only one who posted on my post. I appreciate you already. Have a great day and stay warm... here in S.Cali it's brrrr cold... Alisa.

I must be odd then... I like to be alone... sure I need human interaction and possible affection... but only for a moment. I do not feel alone. I drink Jack Daniels, dance to loud music, and believe in medical marijuana... all in the comfort of my home sweet home... My 19-year-old son does live with me, and I am trying to start working part-time again. That is all the interaction I need as of today. By the way, are you quoting Bill Withers, the singer?

Hello moonshine. Thank you for your reply to this blog. In my perception of the relationship universe you are not 'odd'. However, (as with the planets of the solar system) -- as individuals move away from the centre of 'gravity' there is much more space to move about in. Therefore those on the 'edges' are less likely to be meeting others like them. When they do meet someone else their paths will often only meet briefly as each will be on a different trajectory. I tend to value those meetings because I never know when another will come along- if ever! As for the B. Withers name. As I do not follow music or celebrities, I had not heard of the singer by that name when I was looking for a pseudonym. My rhyming verse at that time was mostly about what was wrong with the 'systems' within our society. I bleived that if 'those in charge' were to get to know who was writing the verses then my own job with them would certainly be terminated. At first I was Bill Toby Withers - which, with little or no interpretation translates into: (Bill) the 'price you pay' (Toby) 'to be' (Withers) 'with us'. However, that name quickly became shortened to a call for solidaririty against all things that were percieved to be wrong about the system and society- hence 'be with us!' I wrote several verses to encapsulate the concept of coming together in this way, one of which I will reproduce below. I hope you like it. Best wishes Bill.---------------- B. WITHERS.B. WITHERS TODAY, B. WITHERS TOMORROW. B. WITHERS IN PAIN, B. WITHERS IN SORROW, B. WITHERS BY DAY, B. WITHERS BY NIGHT. B. WITHERS WHEN WRONG, B. WITHERS WHEN RIGHT. B. WITHERS WHEN POOR, B. WITHERS WITH WEALTH. B. WITHERS IN SICKNESS, B. WITHERS IN HEALTH. B. WITHERS WHEN HAPPY, B. WITHERS WHEN SAD. B. WITHERS IN GOOD TIMES, B. WITHERS IN BAD. B. WITHERS IN BODY, B. WITHERS IN MIND, B. WITHERS WHEN CRUEL, B. WITHERS WHEN KIND. B. WITHERS WHEN CRYING, ,B. WITHERS IN LAUGHTER. B. WITHERS IN DEATH AND B. WITHERS THEREAFTER. B. Withers 1994

I enjoy writing....I really enjoyed reading that! Seriously though, I pulled away from my friends after my surgery and probably long enough to make them feel uncomfortable. I often wonder if it is because they feel like they are useless in supporting us and that maybe they are freaked out about how to be with us. Most people lack true compassion and the ability to really reach out.

Hello Peppermint. Thank you for your post and, as a writer, I'm sure you will understand how gratifying it is to think that someone has enjoyed reading what you have written.There are many and various reasons why people either come together of drift apart and I'm sure that you have identified a couple of the latter in your post. People often look for things that they may have 'in-common' with others before they will get closer. There was some research done on a college campus where a subject was lying on the ground as if in distress and the object of the research was to see who came to their aid. (and why) The outcome indicated that if the person was wearing a football shirt - then the supporters of that club would stop to help. People without such shirts were left to suffer. It makes one wonder what sort of world we have created!Best wishes Bill

Bill, I love it. You are so talented. Maybe because in the beginning, we are so aware of our ostomates that we subconsciously bring others' attention to it. I have a very bad habit of putting my hand over my ostomy when I walk. Firstly, to support it, I'm waiting on a decent belt that provides support but doesn't stop output, as I have had two major surgeries in less than 6 months. Secondly, I would hit the roof if someone bumped me in that area accidentally. It is so sensitive and sore. Will you allow me to use your poem to circulate on the internet? As a writer myself, I prefer to be asked rather than assume it's okay. Bye for now, Lorraine.

Hello Lorraine. Thank you for your comments which are much appreciated. This particular verse is yet to be published (April 2014)in 'My Ostomy World Book 3'(paperback) and in 'My Ostomy World- trilogy' (May 2014 -hardback) So ostomates on this site are getting a preview - which is how I feel it should be. If you wish to circulate it more widely, then I would hope that you would quote where it can be found. After the publication date this is probably not so important. However, if someone likes this one then they might also like some of the others that have been published so it is helpful to point them in the right direction. It might be useful to explain thet I do not publish for profit so I'm quite happy for the verses to be widely circulated for free and I usually email them to people who like to read them.Best wishes Bill

Hi Bill, thanks for your reply. Of course, I would make sure you and the source were quoted as author and owner. I will wait happily until you publish, and hopefully, I can buy a copy in Australia. Merry Christmas or happy holidays as I will be offline for a while, going for a tune-up!

This poem I think everyone can relate to. Every time I got sick, friends disappeared and it makes me think to never trust mankind. I was sick for 8 years with UC and CVS, and throughout that time, I had a single friend stand by my side the entire way. My best friend since grade six never left my side. She may have not been there always - having a life of her own... but unlike everyone else who followed your poem to a T... she stuck around and supported me. It's the 1 in a million - because face it.... people suck.

Hello Cinderella11126. Thanks for your comment. Your friend does sound like that one in a million and is a very rare and precious person. Everyone should have the opportunity of knowing someone like that but sadly there are simply not enough of them to go around.Best wishes Bill

Bad things can bring out the best or the worst in a person. My 4-year boyfriend left me after being told I have cancer and the colostomy. But as many have said here, you don't need friends who will leave you when you most need them. It is a beautiful poem, I hope to read more from you soon.

Hello China2011 Thank you for your comment. I was saddened to hear about the way your boyfriend reacted to your news. (but not surprised!) It got me thinking when you said that he was a '4 year' boyfriend because that's about the emotional age that I estimate these people to be. It is an age where chldren are self-centred and have not yet learned about empathy or social responsibility. Some people never get passed this emotional age, even in adulthood. If you want to read more of my verses you should be able to do so by going into my profile. (right click on 'Bill' under my photo) Then click on any of the titles under 'latest blogs'. there's loads of rhyming verses there that I have previously blogged. Best wishes Bill

Hi Bill, hmmm... I never thought of that, a person's emotional age... interesting point of view of yours and also insightful. When it comes to a serious matter, people decide on different mechanisms, I suppose. I first act on instinct, though I don't know where that comes from. All I know is I'd never leave a friend who is in need. Not much I can do maybe, but I will be there. I will now check on your profile page, thank you!

When you say there's 'not much you can do' - you grossly underestimate the positive effect of simply 'being there'. - It's the number one thing about relationships and it is often overlooked when it happens natuarlly. One of the reasons I started writing rhyming verse was that I came across people whose situations and circumstances I could not change - so I wrote rhyming verse to show that I was 'there' and that I had listened empathetically. It was one of the few things that I could do at the time. There has not been one occasion where this has not been appreciated. I feel so priviledged to be able to do this for people who have (sometimes) irresolvable problems. Best wishes Bill

Absolutely, simple things make huge differences, especially when people are somewhat vulnerable...

Bummer! Yours is the first blog I have ever read. I decided to join Ostomates as I was hoping to find inspiration to get back to some of the activities I enjoyed prior to becoming ill. Doesn't sound like it's going to be easy according to your poem. However, you can certainly turn a phrase. Just looking for something more upbeat. Good luck to you!

Hello China2011 Thankyou for your comments. You are of course quite right when you say that simple things make a difference. There is so much about communication - both verbal, non-verbal and by ommission that affects us much more than we sometimes care to acknowledge. Vulnerble people tend to also be very sentsitive and sensitised to those things that might pose an emotional danger to them, so they pick up on things that other (less sensitive) people just let go past without a second thought. There are ways to control the sensitivity, so that it does not diminish a potenial quality of life that sensitive people might otherwise have.Best wishes Bill

Hello notoveryet. Welcome and thank you for your comments. I am well aware that many of my verses are about those things that go wrong in life. This is because they are often written to reflect what individuals have communicated about there own, personal circumstances and feelings. It is what I have labelled 'inverse-feedback'. Of course I don't apologise for this approach because I believe that people with problems appreciate when someone actually listens to what they are sayng. The poems will be recognised as their own thoughts and therefore indicate that someone has obviously listened intently and understands their feelings in an empathetic way. Very often there is little else that can be done in a practical sense, so it's my way of being 'there' for people and giving them a little emotional support. Please don't let my verses divert you from taking part in any activities and enjoying life yourself. My own stoma has not really affected my life in many adverse ways and, compared with previously, it has enhanced the quality of life no end. I have just finished my third publication specifically on 'My Ostomy World' and the last two poems reflect my own feelings on what you are saying about the verses being somewhat negative. I will blog the last verse in book 3 in a minute, so that you can see my thinking on this issue. However, I do hope to also continue writing verses in the old-style for the reasons I have outlined above.Best wishes Bill

Keep on keeping on. I enjoy your writing. There is something for everyone.

Hello Lorraine. Thank you so much fore your comments. Of course it pleases me no end when someone indicates that they enjoy what I have written, especially when the subject matter is not necessarily to everybody's taste. I will try to keep on with the theme of ostomies but it becomes progressively harder to find different things to versify. However, I am very grateful to the people on this site for sharing their experiences as it is from them that I often get my inspiration and subject matter for the verses. Best wishes Bill

Hi again Bill. Don't feel constrained to write only about ostomies. I write in a journal daily and have done for many years, but I also have many topics of interest and I recently submitted a paper to the Australian War Museum about the military nurses and the women and children who were interned during WWII. They have accepted it (much to my amazement as I never feel completely happy with my work) but it will be catalogued and eventually available for display. So please share your thoughts on any topic you feel passionate about. I believe this site is not just for advice, venting, meeting others, and support but for encouraging each other to stretch ourselves to be the best person we can be. We may never be ballet dancers or gymnasts but it is so exciting to see another person facing the same daily issues excelling at something they love. I hope you will not think me presumptuous but I love to see someone who has a passion. Bye for now and God bless.

Hello Lorraine. Congratulations on having your paper accepted for publication. I know exactly how it feels not to be happy about what you've written - it's like that everytime I write something. Unfortunately, I never had a proper basic education so I tend to be a bit sensitive about that sort of thing. Wherever possible I try to get someone to proof-read my verses before publication. However, the last person who was doing it for me went back to New Zealand last year and I haven't found a replacement. I do write about stuff other than ostomiesbutr much of it is for people with mental-health problems and I feel that it would not necessarily be appropriate to be sharing it on a site like this. Also I am aware that there needs to be a balance in the blogs and postings so that it is not swamped with rhyming verse from one person. Otherwise new people coming onto the site could be put off by thinking that this was what the site was all about(and it isn't!). I used to be passionate about painting - so much os that I spent three days solid on one picture, not eating or sleeping. It was then I decided that painting was not good for my health and I needed an interest that would not take so long to complete. Rhyming verse filled that void nicely as each poem rarely takes more than a day and most just take an hour or two. Also I can store loads of them in books or on the computer so they don't take up as much physical space as pictures. Some writing I do in prose but after I finish a paper I usually feel that the points I'm trying to make would be much more consise if I put them into rhyming verse. Sometimes I visualise a time when I will not be around to comment on my work so I will write a paper/book explaining what I meant or what hoped to portray. This is a throwback to being slightly irritated by art critics who 'interpret' what the artists have painted after they have died and cannot put them right in their pretentiousness. I have many varied and wide-ranging interests that more or less keep a balance in my life. I try to do stuff outdoors when the weather is good and indoors when it's not. Hence, with the English climate, I find plenty of time to do research and write. I've recently finished a 'spoof' PhD.thesis, documenting the findings of my research entirely in rhyming verse.(368 pages)- Along with a booklet entiltled 'Scientific Rhyming Verse' explaining the reasoning and method for such a tome. Because it tends to poke-fun at the academic system I would doubt that it would get past the examiners of any actual university. However, there are a few academics that enjoy reading my stuff and provide some motivation for continuing to knock the 'system' in this way. I have been experimenting with writing short scripts and sketches in verse just to see if it would work as an entertainment but as yet I haven't thought about getting anyone to perform it. At my age the ballet-dancing and gymnastics have to be done in the written form rather than physical but the principles and the enjoyment are much the same!Best wishesBill

This is so true, except my surgery is in 2 weeks and no one around me already. People run when they don't understand, although I was always there to hold their hand. To walk alone won't be my loss but theirs, for when the next time they're scared, I won't be there again to listen and show I care.